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Original poster

Are my parents odd?

83 replies

hmc · 07/04/2011 23:53

For some obscure reason 20 years ago they moved from Peterborough (admittedly a heinous place) to Scarborough to retire ...which given that it is on the A64 largely single tracked road might as well be Outer Mongolia ...(at the time I was living in Leicester and brother in Birmingham)

Anyways - they were invited to come and stay with us (south coast - 275 miles distance between us) for 3 or 4 days next week to coincide with ds's 7th birthday and indeed mum's birthday (15 April). Haven't seen 'em since Christmas. So mum rings me tonight - 'we are not coming after all because your dad has a bad back and so do I....'

Now they are old - 77 and 82 respectively, and it is a hell of a long way to drive at their age....but in the past we have frequently offered to pay for train tickets and to pick them up from London so they don't have to change trains etc...

Why don't they want to see their grandson on their birthday?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 08/04/2011 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluddyMoFo · 08/04/2011 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 00:32

Yes Buddymo - you've got it. Quick on the uptake

OP posts:
pinkstarlight · 08/04/2011 00:32

i think its just your parents age its a sign they are slowing down,enjoy your sons party then go to visit them over the easter holidays.

Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 00:34

Except they didn't need to live where i was - just not move several hundred miles away. I suppose I am going to have to be hard nosed and callous when one of them dies since I am in no position to help them

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tallwivglasses · 08/04/2011 00:38

What are your plans for when you get old hmc?

How do we avoid all this...resentment?

Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 00:44

Tallwiv - a valid question and I am aware it is not straightforward. I don't think I would choose to move further away from my adult children during my retirement though! I wouldn't want to be a burden on my children and that would be a consideration, but I would like to be able to see them often. If they are living abroad that could be difficult, and similarly tricky if they are at opposite ends of the country...that wasn't the case for my parents though.

Tbh, if my children seemed settled I would think about relocating near them if necessary - and I know plenty of older people who have done precisely that

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tallwivglasses · 08/04/2011 00:48

Ah, but how close is too close? Smile

piprabbit · 08/04/2011 00:55

I think it is very sad when people move hundreds of miles from their family when they retire. In recent years I have had friends trying to get infirm parents home from Spain, another friend's elderly father dying alone and unfound because he had moved to the back of beyond (and was an unsociable old sod who made no friends locally) and another friend frantically trying to relocate her elderly widowed mother hundreds of miles to a sheltered flat in a very short time frame (meaning the mother left behind her DHs grave and the friends she had made recently).

I think it is great that people follow their dreams on retirement, but they should do so with the awareness that the picture may not always be rosy.

Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 01:02

Exactly piprabbit - and despite the inference from some quarters that I am a bit of a self obsessed cow, actually at the heart of it I am concerned for my parents (and myself, because I am going to be torn up with guilt when I am not local enough to help them) that they have made this choice and the implications of it....

OP posts:
BluePyjamas · 08/04/2011 01:05

82yo doesn't want to travel 200+ miles to party with a load 7yo kids SHOCKER!!!

Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 01:12

Or alternatively...82 year old doesn't want to spend time with his grandson despite only seeing him a couple of times per year - SHOCKER! Party is only 2 hours of their 4 day proposed stay [shrugs]

OP posts:
BluePyjamas · 08/04/2011 01:15

Proposed by whom? They obviously don't want to come.

Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 01:18

Apparently...

...Blimey, why would I complain about that? I suppose you would be delighted in a similar situation? Or don't you do empathy ...just wankery?

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Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 01:19

God, that was a good line!

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stream · 08/04/2011 01:21

It seems quite common for parents to move away, once their kids have grown up. My own parents planned to move to Wales, where we'd had lots of holidays as a family. My Dad died before it happened.

I wonder if it's because once your kids hit school years, you can feel a bit 'stuck' because you don't want to disrupt their education? Afterwards you feel you can do what you like.

Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 01:25

Yes I suppose so stream. I suppose I should try to be more open minded - I guess 'family' means different things to different people. Just because my parents choose to do retirement differently to how I hope to doesn't mean they are 'wrong'. I suspect they may regret it though at some point - and I am still struggling to understand their apparent lack of interest in their grandchildren.

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Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 01:28

Incidentally my dh's parents retired to the Cotswolds. They had a couple of good years there and then FIL died. MIL was stuck in a remote village unable to drive and experienced a miserable year of widowhood. We were in the process of moving her down (with her 100% agreement) when she sadly died...

OP posts:
BluePyjamas · 08/04/2011 01:30

Wankery?! Nice! Your parents are too old to travel to your childs party. It's quite simple. Have party for kids and then visit them quietly.

Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 01:32

No it wasn't nice but you deserved it. You clearly have no idea how this came across: "They obviously don't want to come" Angry

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Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 01:33

In fact my response to you was quite muted in the circumstances

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BluePyjamas · 08/04/2011 01:37

Well they don't do they?! Why are you upset with me saying it?

tallwivglasses · 08/04/2011 01:37

Erm... 82 is pretty fuckin old. My mum died at 83 (my dad a lot younger). Neither of them could travel much in their later years but they loved their family around them.

I loved my mum, she was great, so I welcomed her when she offered to move up and help me look after my dd and later I happily looked after her.

DD has said she wants me near or at least in close contact in the future always.

Wow hmc - interesting stuff I should start thinking about.

Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 01:38

Oh I dunno - doh! Hmm

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Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 01:39

tallwiv - apparently my dd isn't moving out at all!

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