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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is an arse right?

83 replies

uniquegeek · 07/04/2011 04:59

I posted recently on AIBU re my boyfriend who didn't buy me a birthday card or present but happily let me pay for his spa on my birthday.
When I got upset about his lack of consideration he got angry.
Anyway last night I read his facebook page and he'd posted a public statement about if he should move towns or not. I got upset about this as I felt he should talk to me first. This is the first I'd heard of it.We had a row. I said I really needed him right now as my mum is dying. I asked him to come round so at leat we can talk about our differences. My dad told me yesterday and we are devastated.He didn't come round and comfort me but instead ignored my calls and de=friended me on facebook. Whenever we row he stonewalls like mad. i don't feel anything. I'm numb. This man is a not worth it is he?

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 07/04/2011 21:04

You didn't run after him and beg to get him back when he ended it (by defriending you on FB - WTF??!), so he's now playing the 'poor me' card to get you pulled back in line again. The most manipulative trick into the book is to threaten suicide. Stop answering the phone to him. Then he won't be able to manipulate you the way he's doing now. He knows you're vulnerable at the moment because of your mum's illness and he's taking advantage of that.

Delete his number, don't communicate with him at all. Move on and concentrate on your parents, while you still can. So sorry to hear about your mum BTW, this is already a tough time tor you and you don't need his shit.

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 07/04/2011 21:11

No no no, he's a twat. Why would you want a selfish, nasty twat in your life? Love? Pah.

nothingnatural · 07/04/2011 23:11

shakes op look honey, Relationship rule #1 Once a knob, ALWAYS a knob.

Listen to the sensible advice on here. If you keep this arse in your life he will ALWAYS let you down. Think of this as a big test for him, if he was a half way decent man he would put you first at this time.

He hasn't, therefore, he will NEVER be the man you want him to be.

Tough for you, for him to let you down now, I do feel for you.

washnomore · 07/04/2011 23:19

OP he's a complete tool. Really, he's like another child. Do you need that? No, you don't need that. If he can't help you (he can't) and he just hinders you (he does) then he's no use. Boot his arse and worry about the important stuff for now. The bloke you're moping over (the one who would support you through this dreadful time with your poor mum) doesn't exist. Some fuckwit extraordinaire who thinks the world revolves around him is there instead. Boot his arse.

Original poster
uniquegeek · 08/04/2011 04:15

I feels so sad because he was so wonderful to begin with and I feel like I have messed up. He told himm I only see the neagtive in him.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 08/04/2011 04:45

Knobs like this are Always wonderful in the beginning.
Ignore him and concentrate on your mum and dad.

As someone said - they would not de-friend you, because they love you .

Original poster
uniquegeek · 08/04/2011 04:47

One of my red flags was that he said he loved me too mcuh too soon rather than showing it. He still says he loves me now exept it's not but.....

OP posts:
popalot · 08/04/2011 05:08

ah yes, it was a red flag indeed. It begins with the whirlwind romance, followed by the gradual critical destruction of your self confidence followed by the cold stonewalling when you don't do/behave how they want you to.

Next it's the attempt to convince you that it's your personality that is wrong, that his behaviour is normal and that you are mental. He is beating you down.

Does this sound familiar? 100s if not 1000s of us have been there and got sucked in. You're not at fault. It's because you are normal that this has happened, you just don't suspect what they are up to. That's why each time they have to tighten their grip and do something more cruel to you to keep you in a vulnerable state.

He's a bully, simple as.

Conentrate on your mum and just completely ignore this man until he crawls off and finds another victim. You will be stronger for your family at such an awful time.

Original poster
uniquegeek · 08/04/2011 05:46

I look at my behaviour and to be honest I did criticise him too. Or rather I would pull him up when he upset me. I don't think he was used to that. I am analysing this thinking was I being unreasonable to be upset by the small things such as him not buying me a birthday present and card. i went on and on about it when he was going to treat us to a azoo outing. He probably thinks I'm a materialistic bitch.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 08/04/2011 07:10

who gives a shit what he thinks ?

His importance is only in his own tiny mind

You are sounding like a doormat, why is that ? Where is your backbone ?What would you think if your daughter/friend was criticising herself for the shitty behaviour of a bloke ?

get a grip

QuintessentialShadows · 08/04/2011 07:43

You are a fool to listen to him and be sucked back in by his manipulation.

At the beginning of the thread I though "hell yeah, this is a woman who can break free from a manipulative abuser". But clearly you are not.

Please prove me wrong.

Original poster
uniquegeek · 08/04/2011 08:52

Look I have dumped him ok. I just took all of his stuff and put it on his doorstep.
I have also asked for my Jamie Oliver cookbook back and the £10 that I gave him the other day. However, I would rather he just put it on my doorstep as I no longer want to see him. I feel strangely proud of myself and relieved!

Just on equestion; was I wrong to take offense at not recieving a birthday card or present? I did make a BIG deal of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
uniquegeek · 08/04/2011 08:53

Just for future reference. I did do a bit too much of the old texting in this relationship. Would like to improve for the next one.

OP posts:
welshbyrd · 08/04/2011 09:32

I rarely txt my DH,
Only when I want a bag of sugar/bread/milk etc picked up on his way back from work [was going to type school then Blush ]

garlicbutter · 08/04/2011 10:37

Unique, people like this keep you off balance by blowing hot & cold, saying one thing while doing another, criticising you for things you thought were okay and telling you what to feel. It's not surprising you felt a bit clingy & needy. Unless you already knew you had an issue with over-involvement (doesn't sound like it to me, btw) I reckon you can be confident you'll act normally when you're in a normal relationship!

It's perfectly normal to expect your partner to recognise your birthday. If you made too big a deal of it, that will be because of his mind-games. The only worthwhile lesson to be learned from this is - next time, pay attention to your red flags!

zikes · 08/04/2011 11:54

Well done on breaking it off with him.

It's ok to make a big deal out of not getting a birthday card or present from someone who is supposed to love you, and it's right to pull someone up when they upset you.

I'd forget the cookbook and tenner, personally - just gives him an excuse to get in touch again - cheap price to pay to get shot of a leech.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/04/2011 12:17

I don't believe anyone should expect presents, but since it seems you're getting stuff-all support from the selfish one it's not surprising you felt it was significant. A person who is deeply in love looks for any excuse to show it. Likewise if you care about someone you want to support them through any suffering, not throw a strop because they are too busy being upset to be a great partner to you.

You care about him because you are the sort of person who cares about other people. Unfortunately, by the sound of it, this guy is not. His version of "love" is "nice to have around" (as long as things are going smoothly?). Like you might "love" a car or an ornament, but rather less than you would love a household pet. You are the person he wants to be worshipped by. Sounds vaguely wrong, doesn't it? That's because it is. Love should be mutual if it's to be any good. Well it is sort of mutual in a way: you both love him. Pity nobody in this scenario is sufficiently into loving you. You're sweet.

PeterAndreForPM · 08/04/2011 12:37

Next time take heed of the red flags, they are there to signpost you and very, very rarely are they wrong

Good luck x

mumonthenet · 08/04/2011 13:23

Every thing about this guy is a RED FLAG.

Answer to your question.

NO, you were NOT wrong to take offence at not receiving a birthday card, present. Making a big deal out of it was simply you having some boundaries and knowing them...and expressing them. Boundaries are bloody important.

You had a perfect right to expect some kind of acknowledgement for your birthday. He may claim to have different expectations as regards birthdays but it didn't stop him accepting your Spa gift did it? In your view it was offensive and hurtful. That is your view...uphold it....be proud of it...shout it from the rooftops...."if someone wants to be with me...they need to love me enough to make me happy on my birthday". It doesn't matter what he thinks. This is not about him.

So sorry about your mum, you must be in shock. Hope you are ok.

Original poster
uniquegeek · 08/04/2011 15:53

Yes in total shock.

He did write a lovely birthday message on Facebook and he took the day off work to be with me. He was always buying stuff for dd and I and just ran out of money as it was end of month. Just feel so numb and sore at the same time right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
uniquegeek · 08/04/2011 15:53

Here I am making excuses for him.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 08/04/2011 16:27
Grin
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 08/04/2011 16:36

Yep, stop making excuses for him. That way lies having 'Welcome' stamped on your forehead. Focus now on your family. Sorry to hear about your mum x

Deliainthemaking · 08/04/2011 16:58

I think you've answered your own question

he is an arse you'de be much stronger on your own
hugs

Deliainthemaking · 08/04/2011 16:59

great post mumonthenet

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