Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he is leaving her and she is destroyed

71 replies

deburca · 04/04/2011 20:39

So here is the story, married for 17 years, together over 20, one child, early teens. 2 rounds of relate and during the second round he admits to one affair years ago and one taking place right this minute. The girl concerned is about 10 years younger than him, pretty , good figure etc etc but from what i hear from people who know her (but dont know about the affair etc) she seems to be a lovely person also. I know both of the people, ie the wife/husband, they have approached me individually to talk and honestly I dont know what to say. this has been trundling on since last summer, wife veering from trying to sort it out to telling him to go.

To be fair to him he has been honest with her from what I gather, he said last summer that his marriage was over, business failed and tied up in mortgage of the house so both of them sitting tight etc regarding living arrangements. DH has openly said both to me and his DW that he is in love with this girl and that his marriage has been over for years. DW is understandably bitter towards this girl, sending nasty texts - which she hasnt replied to - phonecalls where she is calling and then saying nothing (the girl contacted the police and had the number traced and when found out it was her boyfriends DW wouldnt press charges). I feel so bad for the DW but I think she is hurting herself more now by not just kicking him out and letting him get on with things - Ive told him this also - I was cheated on but have managed to move on from it and I think that is why I have been approached on this topic. Any MN advice out there.

OP posts:
FABsBackAndIsWell · 04/04/2011 20:41

"DH has openly said both to me and his DW that he is in love with this girl and that his marriage has been over...."

That makes no sense.

Original poster
deburca · 04/04/2011 20:42

What you mean fab. He has told me and also his wife that his marriage has been over for years and that he is in love with this other girl he has met now

OP posts:
OnEdge · 04/04/2011 20:43

Tell the bloke he is a prick

seachange · 04/04/2011 20:45

He needs to leave. There is no 'being fair to him', there is no merit in honesty if all it does is torture DW. F the financial arrangements, he needs to get his arse out of there, his behaviour is sickening, fair enough he doesn't want to be married any more, people will have their own views on that, but hanging around? Disgusting.

Original poster
deburca · 04/04/2011 20:46

i cant, im friends with them both. what good is it going to do alienating him? they have a child and i think it would be best for that child if they were able to be civil.

Ive known them both years, knew them when they first met - think they were too young to tell you the truth and they have grown apart, separate rooms etc for about 18 months now etc etc

OP posts:
FABsBackAndIsWell · 04/04/2011 20:47

I assumed you were talking about your husband.

Original poster
deburca · 04/04/2011 20:48

no, i did have a dodgy dh once but he is gone, have a lovely one now :)

OP posts:
seachange · 04/04/2011 20:49

Are you sympathising with him? Saying, oh well, if you don't "feel" like you don't love your wife, then that's fine! Go for it! She's well out of order anyway. Yeah, I know you're a cheating bastard but I don't want you not to like me so I won't "take sides". And isn't the OW amazing? Such a nice person!

Hmm
Original poster
deburca · 04/04/2011 20:49

sea, i dont think he can afford to move out, bankrupt etc etc, living hundreds of miles away from any family (my house getting renovated so living between 2 rooms myself really so cant put him up).

feel so sorry for both of them. Its a mess

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 04/04/2011 20:58

Why are you taking this on board, and putting it on mumsnet?

I also thought it was about your relationship when I started reading Confused

There's nothing you can do re another's relationship, (apart from be there for them), they have to do that themselves

FABsBackAndIsWell · 04/04/2011 21:00
Biscuit
Original poster
deburca · 04/04/2011 21:04

because they are both my friends and have asked for my help and i want anothers opinion on what the best way forward is.

Sea im sympathising with them both, I feel sorry for both of them, there was obviously something wrong in their marriage as for the OW im not here to judge anyone - its about trying to help them find a way out of this without hurting themselves or their child anymore.

to be honest I dont know why I posted now, I certainly would not consider myself a friend referring to him as a cheating bastard either!! I didnt come on this site for man bashing, I came for advice - as many others have.

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 04/04/2011 21:11

Wondering if you're actually the ow involved in this triangle?

seachange · 04/04/2011 21:23

deburca, there is not always something obviously wrong with the marriage. People who are doing cruel, heartless, manipulative, deceitful, sekfish, unfaithful acts should be judged, should be called to account and told, as onedge put it, actually you are bring a prick and you need to sort it out.

Your "friend" is hurting his wife, unbearably. Man bashing? Someone does need to bash this so called man.

ratspeaker · 04/04/2011 21:31

The best advise you can give him is to leave and stop prlongig the agony for his wife
To the wife you sympathise then tell her she needs some self respect and a good solicitor . She wont get any self respect trying to save a marriage when he has admitted he wants to be with someone else. She'll just hurt herself continuing to live with him in these circumstances
She feels hurt angry betrayed but needs to keep her dignity and nor phone the OW, not text the OW, the focus of her anger should be her husband

wannabefree · 04/04/2011 21:46

These kind of 'well-meaning' friends piss me off. You can't put him up because your house is being renovated? Well thank F for that! How would his wife feel if you effectively took his side by putting him up?! They're married FFS...does that not count for anything these days?

If more people in shaky marriages had people around them encouraging them to try and make it work rather than saying 'oh you want to shag someone else? That's understandable after all these years..I feel for you....I'd put you up if I had the room,' maybe we wouldn't have such a throwaway culture around marriage.

dignified · 05/04/2011 09:17

To be fair to him he has been honest with her from what I gather, he said last summer that his marriage was over,

No he hasnt been honest with her at all. I thought you said he,d recently admitted an affair years ago and one thats going on now ? No wonder the wife is so upset .

What did the ow actually expect when she embarked on an affair with a married man ? I honestly dont see how you can support him in any way at all on this . Him continuing to live there while being involved with someone else is absurd , theres a thread on here at the moment where the H wont go , makes painfull reading. I dont think i could be freinds with someone like this.

Original poster
deburca · 05/04/2011 09:25

Yes I would put him up and I would put her up if she asked and if I had room. No im not the OW, I have a husband of my own and am happy with him. I did once have someone cheat on me though - hence why Im asked for advice on this.

Surely being friends with someone means not judging them - no one knows what went on in that marriage, the same way no one knows what went on in my first marriage

I actually laughed out loud at the "you are being a prick" - dont be stupid and dont be judgmental about anyone. Im actually closing this thread now as apart from rats I dont think Ive got any constructive advice, just alot of bitterness.

I have been the wronged woman and let me tell you there are no winners but Man bashing isnt helpful either. God some of you should read back what you write, its laughable. How do you have friends if you judge so much?

Sad!

OP posts:
ike1 · 05/04/2011 09:27

SNORT!!

ohPuhlease · 05/04/2011 09:30

ridiculous OP

dignified · 05/04/2011 09:35

I dont have freinds who treat their partners like shit.
Im picky like that.

Voddy · 05/04/2011 09:50

You are a bit of a nob.

Voddy · 05/04/2011 09:51

Haha! Just caught 'man-bashing', you're a total nob. HTH Smile

Original poster
deburca · 05/04/2011 10:34

girls to be honest Im happy you consider me a nob - if I had something in common with some of the posters on here I would be more worried. As for picking your friends, dignified if that guy was your friend would you say all that to him - actually no you wouldnt be a friend then would you. you would be judgmental and more interested in giving your own opinion that anything else.

I support all of my friends, regardless of sex or who is right or wrong. They both know who is at fault here, its their marriage. I fail to see how getting on my high horse and pointing out that he is a bastard helps anything.

Oh grow up ladies, this is real life with real people no saints involved!!!

Voddy - your name is apt - you appear to have ingested quite a bit! - no doubt with some bitter lemon lol -

Goodbye - off to meet the female half of this distressed couple, perhaps I should just call him a bastard tell her to cop on and throw him out and forget about their daughter or having any civil relationship between the DH and DW when they separate. Great advice - truly!!

My 17 year old neice would actually have more sense than some of the posters on here. Embarrassing!!

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 05/04/2011 10:40

Hmm. You did get one good piece of advice OP which is to tell the H to move out of the family home ASAP. It's almost impossible to live amicably in the same house with someone you've dumped if they were not happy for the relationship to end.
It's also true that the best advice you can give the dumped wife is accept that the marriage is over and stop trying to get revenge on the new partner. It makes you look like a mad loser and if you are aggressive about it, people will think that your H dumped you because you are a spiteful bitch anyway.
What this dumped wife needs to do is see a solicitor, keep contact with her XH to a minimum and keep it polite and formal, and get on with moving on. For her own sake, too.