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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he is leaving her and she is destroyed

71 replies

deburca · 04/04/2011 20:39

So here is the story, married for 17 years, together over 20, one child, early teens. 2 rounds of relate and during the second round he admits to one affair years ago and one taking place right this minute. The girl concerned is about 10 years younger than him, pretty , good figure etc etc but from what i hear from people who know her (but dont know about the affair etc) she seems to be a lovely person also. I know both of the people, ie the wife/husband, they have approached me individually to talk and honestly I dont know what to say. this has been trundling on since last summer, wife veering from trying to sort it out to telling him to go.

To be fair to him he has been honest with her from what I gather, he said last summer that his marriage was over, business failed and tied up in mortgage of the house so both of them sitting tight etc regarding living arrangements. DH has openly said both to me and his DW that he is in love with this girl and that his marriage has been over for years. DW is understandably bitter towards this girl, sending nasty texts - which she hasnt replied to - phonecalls where she is calling and then saying nothing (the girl contacted the police and had the number traced and when found out it was her boyfriends DW wouldnt press charges). I feel so bad for the DW but I think she is hurting herself more now by not just kicking him out and letting him get on with things - Ive told him this also - I was cheated on but have managed to move on from it and I think that is why I have been approached on this topic. Any MN advice out there.

OP posts:

ike1 · 06/04/2011 13:40

What's funny about this is that deb is able to come on here all passive aggressive telling anonymous people that they are ball breakers, but a bit of truth with 'friends' where it matters is all but impossible. Either she is the other woman, secretly enjoying the 'gossip', or a complete spineless twunt.

ike1 · 06/04/2011 13:41

Belle yes indeed.....sadly.

spidookly · 06/04/2011 14:12

"I'd let him hide out in my house, but unfortunately it's being renovated at the moment."

:o :o

prettyfly1 · 06/04/2011 15:08

see it is really funny - I didnt think this was the OW until her last post. Why would you get so angry that people care about your friend? You wouldnt. I now totally believe that this is either a drama loving narcissist injecting herself into someone elses tragedy to get a thrill or the OW who is pissed because her guilty little instincts are recognising a few too many uncomfortable truths in what we are saying. Either that or she is a REALLY SHITE friend and I REALLY hope the wife has some nicer ones around.

By the way I know a lot of councellors. Not many of them would say sitting in the middle of someone who has behaved like this will be helpful to anyone. Nonsense.

welshbyrd · 06/04/2011 15:49

deburca - he should leave as for
" i dont think he can afford to move out, bankrupt etc etc, living hundreds of miles away from any family "
Perhaps if he had thought about that before he started shagging another woman
He behaviour has consequences, he should live with them
And let his DW have her sanity back

positivesteps · 06/04/2011 16:35

Deb,

If you were a good friend or even a friend to either of them you would tell them both the truth. You don't have to shout and swear but anyone can see that although they might have had problems in their marriage it is not acceptable for him to cheat on his wife and hurt her so much. It wouldn't be acceptable or right if she did the same to him. Although you don't want to fall out with him your sympathies really should lie with the wife in these circumstances. She hasn't cheated. I think you should support the wife . I am sure the husband has other friends to talk to so why are you getting involved with him? Do you fancy him or something? The sympathy should be with the wife.
How would you feel when it happened to you if your friend supported your husband too when he put you through hell and cheated on you? You wouldn't think she was a very good friend would you?
That's why I find it strange you are being their for her husband! I think you want him. Any normal Friend would say you have cheated so really this is why she is so upset and say she needs the support at this time .
Your not a good friend to the wife at all.
For the reasons I have said above that is why you are not being a good friend. Put yourself in her shoes .

BenHer · 06/04/2011 17:40

Nothing much to discuss here,the bloke loves someone else,the marriage is over.He needs to do the right thing and just go.Two rounds of Relate sounds a bit of a waste when one round of honesty would have sufficed.

Voddy · 06/04/2011 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 06/04/2011 19:38

Spidookily "You are a shit friend."

I think Spidookily has summed you up perfectly. A real friend does not condone bad behaviour in a friend. A real friend will pull their friend up and point out how unacceptable their (the friend's) behaviour is when they're acting like a twat like the DH is.

Quite frankly with 'friends' like you the DW doesn't need enemies and I hope she has some real friends to support her at this time.

perfumedlife · 06/04/2011 21:42

God my heart sinks when folk start with the ' I'm not going to get involved' crap. You are involved, you know their business, they have shared this with you, so take a side.

Preferably the side of right.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 06/04/2011 23:42

Maybe the dumped wife is a cow and the marriage was miserable for years before the H met someone else. It does happen, after all.
However, where the H's behaviour is out of order is in expecting to stay in the family home and rub his wife's nose in the fact that he has replaced her.

positivesteps · 07/04/2011 00:42

I think if the wife was a cow and he had been miserble he should have left sooner or before starting an affair. Its no excuse! He cheated and thats it! The OP should be helping the wife come to terms with it. If the wife was a cow then the OP wouldnt be friends with her would she as nobody wants to keep a cow close, they keep them at a distance not getting involved in their personal lives. Its the OP that sounds like a nasty piece to be honest not the wife, siding with both and a cheat at that and not supporting the wife or at least if she didnt really like the wife as a friend before he cheated why interfere then? why get involved ? . You only side with the cheat if you fancy him/her so like other people said on here I think the OP is the other woman in this case.

Skinit · 07/04/2011 00:50

If he wanted to leave hi wife Deburca he would have.

seoraemaeul · 07/04/2011 02:56

One of my male friends had an affair and in fairness I had never really got on with his wife but I still told him he was a bloody idiot and to sort himself out for the sake of his wife and their marriage.
If they are in Relate this is a good place for them to sort out their issues. And if you are struggling to find the right way to support them then just say so. Tell them they are both friends and you don't want to be involved. Then walk away, don't get involved and let them work it out for themselves.

seachange · 07/04/2011 07:45

OP, is it not ringing any alarm bells for you that there is not yet one single poster who is agreeing with your stance on this?

That level of unanimity is pretty impressive, esp considering this is MN - it's a shame you're so stubborn and blinkered, and care more about what other people think of you than doing/saying what is right.

BelleBelicious

Thundersighs · 07/04/2011 10:40

perfumedlife thats bang on, I especially hate the 'friends' that come over as supportive till they get the gossip and then say they don't want to get involved.

OP if this really isn't about you then FFS wake up and do the right thing - tell the loser to stop fucking with his DW and DD's heads and piss off. So what if he hasn't got anywhere to go, fucking boo-hoo he can rent a room.

ThisIsANiceCage · 07/04/2011 10:40

At the end of the day my interest is my friend, the OW.

How vile you are, deburca, presenting yourself as the friend and confidante of the DW who already has quite enough betrayal to be dealing with.

As for your deep, sincere concern for the child of this marriage...

Diggs · 07/04/2011 10:47

the ex doesnt want him to be having a relationship while he is living still at home, however if they are finished whats the problem?.

Are you being serious ?
You sound as vile as your freind and this guy. Do the wife a favour and tell her you fully support you freind shagging her husband. Poor woman.

caramelwaffle · 07/04/2011 11:29

Advise him to go and live with his parents as they have offered.

PeterAndreForPM · 07/04/2011 17:38

busted

welshbyrd · 07/04/2011 17:59

Your a cock deburca

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