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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think my dad is having an affair -crap

71 replies

rocketupbum · 02/04/2011 21:33

My parents are in their early sixties and have been married for about 40 years. I would say their relationship is reasonably happy but I would imagine they do not have the most active sex life (altho don't all kids think this!)
Anyway I accidently opened the inbox on my dad's mobile (we have same phone, it was done with bleary eyes early am). There were 10 texts from one girl, I then decided to read them as I felt a bit suspicious (why oh why). They were not sexually explicit but they were extremely familiar and chatty with "i miss you" "can't wait to see you" and lots of xxxxxx's. He is not normally very kissy - I get one x (if any)on a text.
I know who this girl is as they used to work very closely togther (and I know he thought very highly of her). She is younger than me.
I am now in a very awkward place, I have no idea how to go forward from here. My instinct is to bury my head and try to forget what I may know. On the other hand it feels so wierd and is making me question what kind of man he is.
Not sure what I want from you ladies, advice/previous experience/some perspective?

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 02/04/2011 21:37

Tough call, it does sound as if something is going on.

Would you be able to approach him about the texts.

Original poster
rocketupbum · 02/04/2011 21:40

I feel very nervous of approaching him directly. Best case scenario he says it is just flirting - our relationship is still damaged. Worst case, he admits it and then what the bloody hell do I do?

OP posts:
sweetygilly · 02/04/2011 21:40

rocketupbum

The dirty old tw@t. I'm flamin speechless.

lookingfoxy · 02/04/2011 21:40

Or could you ignore it if its no threat to the marriage (but thats hard to tell)

lookingfoxy · 02/04/2011 21:42

You could let him know you looked at his phone by mistake that morning and leave it at that, he would probably know then that you've seen them.

Original poster
rocketupbum · 02/04/2011 21:43

The ignore is my first reaction. My mum is adorabe but her dad left when she was young and it has affected her forever. I don't know if I could cope with being the catalyst to the breakdown of their relationship. If I keep this to myself then it is only me who is dealing with it

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 02/04/2011 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rocketupbum · 02/04/2011 21:47

I know bluddy, I have NO idea why I looked. It just looked wierd to only have 10 msg in inbox and from only one person. I wish I hadnt snooped more than anything

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 02/04/2011 21:54

Perhaps your mother does know but 'puts up' with it?

I don't think you need to rush into anything yet. I think I'd let my own emotions calm down a little first. Then goodness knows what I'd do.

chicaguapa · 02/04/2011 21:55

As hard as it might be, you should keep it to yourself. You don't know the ins and outs of their marriage and I don't think it's your place to say anything tbh.

The pain of keeping it to yourself can be your penance for looking at his messages. Not judging btw, it must have been very tempting.

ValiumSoltera · 02/04/2011 22:00

As they have the same phone then he can't reasonably be that annoyed. And if he is 'that' annoyed it's guilt.

Original poster
rocketupbum · 02/04/2011 22:01

Thanks, I understand the bit of judging! I am also inclined to think even if my mum might have a feeling she would go for the "put up" option. I suppose we never know how our parents relationships really, only the version we are shown or choose to believe.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 02/04/2011 22:06

This is naughty and sneaky but could you 'swop' phones with your father accidently. Then the day after hand it back saying "sorry about that." not mention anything about it but glare at him... See if he then speaks to you to explain...

Pancakeflipper · 02/04/2011 22:07

No. Ignore my post on swopping phones. It's a horrid thought. Could open a can of worms.

NimpyWindowmash · 02/04/2011 22:09

I would try what lookingfoxy suggested first, and see if he says anything

MikeRotch · 02/04/2011 22:10

I had this. We ignored. 'twas tough. Think it's run out though. We weren't sure if the other half knew. couldn't see bow it would impact on us unless discovered. So left.

Figgyrolls · 02/04/2011 22:11

This is a tricky one, if you approach him and he is having an affair then you might perhaps motivate him into doing something that he was never going to do, alternatively if you don't do anything and he leaves anyway.............

Or it may be innocent.

I think the issue here is that you know something that you don't know if anyone else knows or if it is a problem, the point I think I am trying to make is that whatever happens, if you know or think you know there is very little that you can do to change the outcome I would suspect.

Original poster
rocketupbum · 02/04/2011 22:11

There is a part of me who wants to do something that drastic too! However that was mostly when I drank the best part of a bottle of wine last night.

OP posts:
MikeRotch · 02/04/2011 22:17

Don't. Have been through all this. Just ignore.

mathanxiety · 02/04/2011 22:22

Send her a text from the phone to say he is dumping her as she has given him crabs?

RCToday · 02/04/2011 22:25

I would just ignore it

No good will come out of it if you say anything

Let your Dad manage his own relationship/s

noddyholder · 02/04/2011 22:26

Very difficult with parents your view of them is a bit skewed and so I would say do nothing but be aware you may be needed for support.

fallingandlaughing · 03/04/2011 12:16

Ignore it. No good can come of being involved in your parents' sex lives.

jimswifein1964 · 03/04/2011 12:19

I would keep quiet. What good will it do, if he knows that you know?

gettingeasier · 03/04/2011 13:07

Yes say nothing and try to put it out of your mind