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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think my dad is having an affair -crap

71 replies

rocketupbum · 02/04/2011 21:33

My parents are in their early sixties and have been married for about 40 years. I would say their relationship is reasonably happy but I would imagine they do not have the most active sex life (altho don't all kids think this!)
Anyway I accidently opened the inbox on my dad's mobile (we have same phone, it was done with bleary eyes early am). There were 10 texts from one girl, I then decided to read them as I felt a bit suspicious (why oh why). They were not sexually explicit but they were extremely familiar and chatty with "i miss you" "can't wait to see you" and lots of xxxxxx's. He is not normally very kissy - I get one x (if any)on a text.
I know who this girl is as they used to work very closely togther (and I know he thought very highly of her). She is younger than me.
I am now in a very awkward place, I have no idea how to go forward from here. My instinct is to bury my head and try to forget what I may know. On the other hand it feels so wierd and is making me question what kind of man he is.
Not sure what I want from you ladies, advice/previous experience/some perspective?

OP posts:
Original poster
rocketupbum · 03/04/2011 19:24

Huge thanks to all who have replied. Now that the dust is settling on my emotions I can only see a solution in the ignoring option. I really do not want to be involved in my parents sex life and even though I love my dad and hugely respect him, I am not overly surprised by the discovery (although that shocks me a bit to think that too). By a wierd twist it was his b'day this weekend and we have had family do. I now find myself watching his every move and he seems very content and happy to be amongst the family. I need to deal with this in my own way and move on.

OP posts:
MikeRotch · 03/04/2011 22:07

Oh yes. It's hard not to watch and make pointed comments. I remember that

QueeferSutherland · 04/04/2011 06:30

Look, imagine a year down the line you're comforting your mum after the break up of their marriage, and she makes a comment about not having a clue, and sees something flash across your face; she's your mother, she'll know you knew. Will she understand why you kept schtum?

Do you have a more bombastic older sister you could confide in?

Aislingorla · 04/04/2011 10:17

Or brother?

cabbageroses · 04/04/2011 11:55

Ignore. Not your business.
Also- don't assume either:

your parents have no sex life- how on earth can you judge that one?
your mother doesn't know.
this could be your father's payback for something in previous years.

carmenelectra · 04/04/2011 13:30

I would absolutely NOT ignore it!!

IF it was anyone else, i would say, yes, ignore, none of your business. But it's your mother.

I wouldn't just ignore the fact that my father may be knocking it off with a woman younger than me and just keep out so as not to rock the boat.

Even if it isnt an affair, I would not be impressed with an ageing husband sending 'miss you xxx' texts to a much younger woman. Yuck.

I would want to know and I would be livid If I had a daughter who hadn't said a word and was covering up for her dad.

cabbageroses · 04/04/2011 13:35

carmel- can younot see the dangers in what you are suggesting?

Although these are the OP's parents, the ins and outs of their sex life and what they get up to with each other or anyone else is not a daughter's business.

The mum may already know
she may also have had/been having an affair
she may suspect but not WANT to know

she may be doubly embarrassed to find out her DD knows.

Original poster
rocketupbum · 04/04/2011 14:18

I can see all the opinions here and they are pretty much exactly what is going around my head!
I have siblings but they are younger and I am not sure I want to burden them with this horrid discovery.
My mum is the type of person who would bury her head in the sand about this sort of thing. You never know but I pretty sure she wouldnt be knocking anyone else off but I also know if she knew I knew it would damage our relationship forever. She would be mortified.
And carmel you are right it is pretty yuck. I am really struggling with that side, it is such a fucking cliche (old man younger model etc) and am sad he has conformed so neatly.
My other thought was to contact other woman and see what she has to say. But then do i start a process that I cant stop?

OP posts:
carmenelectra · 04/04/2011 14:19

Well, I would absolutely confront my father at the very least!

There is no way that I could speak to him civilly knowing that he may be up to something. If my mother knew, or there was something agreed between them, whatever fine, then I would expect them to be a bit more discreet about it, ensuring that I didn't find out.

The OP's dad can't be too concerned, sending texts on a shared phone.

Anyway, I don't see how this is prying into anyones's sex life .. The way I would look at it is, That the OP's father may be being unfaithful to the mother in whatever way.

carmenelectra · 04/04/2011 14:21

Rocket, I don't think that it is your place to confront the woman. Its your dad I would be gunning for.

nikki1978 · 04/04/2011 14:23

I was in the same position once. I was pretty sure something was going on but not 100%. I left well alone to be honest. It would have destroyed my mums life. I kept an eye on him for a while and whatever it was went away I believe.

Very glad I never said anything tbh but depends on how you feel as to whether you say something to him. In your shoes I would keep quiet.

cabbageroses · 04/04/2011 14:25

carmel- not the same phone- same model I think she means.

I am looking at this from another point of view. I am probably nearer in age to the Op's parents tha nthe OP.

If me or my Dh were ever involved in anything like this, I would not want my children to a) know about it and b) take any action.

In the same way that i would not interfere if I had evidence of one of their partners being unfaithful.

It's funny too how double standard s prevail- if a woman gets a toy boy she is labelled a cougar and has the admiration of her friends. if it's an older man then he is slagged off as a "cliche."

Original poster
rocketupbum · 04/04/2011 14:25

Asking him makes me very nervous, asking her is the wimps way out really!
Also it is not a shared phone (to confirm) just the same model. I was staying at their house and saw it on the side and assumed it was mine.

OP posts:
carmenelectra · 04/04/2011 14:35

Oh I get it about the phone, sorry!

I still couldn't ignore it though I don't think. I feel very uncomfortable that this is the 21st century and people are saying that it's best not to say anything in case you destroy the woman's life.

Most people's lives would be destroyed if theirhusband had an affair, however, I find it shocking that it is best to let the man get on with it rather than ruin the woman's life .

Of course this is just my opinion and I would much rather know and deal with the heartbreak than find out years down the line anyway that my marriage was a sham.

Original poster
rocketupbum · 04/04/2011 19:34

Unfortunately the cliche exists for a reason cabbage, I am incredibly shocked that my amazing dad has chosen to be this much of a knob. And if my mum was trading in for a younger model she would be gettting very little admiration from me to be honest. That said it is interesting to hear your view and I think you probably do understand the difficulties in confronting all this head on.
Carmen, I wish i was a bit more brave and could do some more digging and maybe even have the chat with my dad but I can only see heartbreak on the horizon and I am not sure if can live with the guilt of bringing it all to a head.

OP posts:
mankymummymoo · 04/04/2011 19:41

What is the best outcome you could hope for out of "doing something about it"?

What is the worst outcome?

Maybe think about that and weigh them both up...

Its not just about the morality of it and this stage, because you do not know the whole story.

mankymummymoo · 04/04/2011 19:42

sorry... "at this stage" not "and this stage".

cabbageroses · 04/04/2011 20:10

the cliche exists usually because people are jealous- leaving aside any morality if the peeps involved are married.

If you talk to your dad are you willing for it to jeopardise your relationship- maybe for good?

If you have got te wrong end of the stick are you prepared to look daft?

Are you in fact blackmailing him- saying if you don't tell mum, I will?

If you tell your mum are you prepared to be instrumental-perhaps in a divorce? whereas if you ignored the supposed affair it will probably blow itself out.

( Younger women may be flattered by older men, but don't want to wipe their bums in 10-20 yrs time.)

Are you really standing in judgement of your parents- what right have you to do that?

FABsBackAndIsWell · 04/04/2011 20:18

Why not delete all the messages. Your father will know someone has had his phone and hopefully he will behave or at least be more careful. You could also delete her number..

Original poster
rocketupbum · 04/04/2011 20:24

I do think any kind of conversation with my dad will be to the detriment of our relationship.
I wouldnt mind looking a wally if I really thought that would be the end of it but I kind of know in my gut that there is something going on.
I would be very reluctant to do any kind of "you tell her or I do" showdown. And/or tell her myself.
I dont think I am judging but it is very hard to read those messages and not feel a bit odd about the man I thought he was and the long marriage they have.

OP posts:
cabbageroses · 04/04/2011 20:33

rocket- I do feel for you. I do wonder too though if this is the first time you have actually realised your parents are people and not just parents?

It is easy to put parents on pedestals and think they are near perfect.
At some point though you see them as people with all the faults humans have.

Have you asked yourself how you would feel if it were you who was doing something one of them thought was wrong- and whether you would want them to pass comment?

I wonder why you are so sure that your relationship with your father would be unchanged? I know someone who cut their father out of their life after he had an affair.

MikeRotch · 04/04/2011 20:37

i became super sluth.
tbh it annoyed me more than helping
Id advise against

Original poster
rocketupbum · 04/04/2011 21:38

I am definitely coming to terms with the fact they are just people and while i knew their relationship wasnt perfect I am still a bit shocked.
If i was doing something they didnt agree with they would prob tell me in a quite a nice nonjudgemental way. (actually i am just about to embark on something they do not really agree with and they have said they will support me all the way!).
I think our relationship WOULD be changed regardless of the outcome of any future conversations. I cant really see any good coming from a confrontation with him.
Having become a supersleuth all the messages have been deleted and the inbox was empty. I dont plan anymore private detective activity, too bloody stressful.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 05/04/2011 01:07

Fab -- DD1 made a risque photo of exH's floozy that she found on exH's phone into his wallpaper...

FABsBackAndIsWell · 05/04/2011 09:33

Clever, mathanxiety!

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