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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think my dad is having an affair -crap

71 replies

rocketupbum · 02/04/2011 21:33

My parents are in their early sixties and have been married for about 40 years. I would say their relationship is reasonably happy but I would imagine they do not have the most active sex life (altho don't all kids think this!)
Anyway I accidently opened the inbox on my dad's mobile (we have same phone, it was done with bleary eyes early am). There were 10 texts from one girl, I then decided to read them as I felt a bit suspicious (why oh why). They were not sexually explicit but they were extremely familiar and chatty with "i miss you" "can't wait to see you" and lots of xxxxxx's. He is not normally very kissy - I get one x (if any)on a text.
I know who this girl is as they used to work very closely togther (and I know he thought very highly of her). She is younger than me.
I am now in a very awkward place, I have no idea how to go forward from here. My instinct is to bury my head and try to forget what I may know. On the other hand it feels so wierd and is making me question what kind of man he is.
Not sure what I want from you ladies, advice/previous experience/some perspective?

OP posts:

oldwomaninashoe · 05/04/2011 14:15

I have just read the OP. My oldest ds was going out with a girl last year, and something very similar happened, her twin sister "discovered" her fathers brief period of infidelity and confronted him.

Don't go there please, it completely emotionally destroyed the whole family. The Mother was destroyed, the kids were forced to take sides.Son's wife is no longer talking to anyone, and one of the twins who was still living in the family home had a nervous breakdown
The girl who blew the whistle on her Dad has been "blamed" by all and sundry, as it was her revelation that upset the applecart.

ajandjjmum · 05/04/2011 14:27

Are you a good actor?

How feasible would it be to joke with your Dad that you 'forgot to mention' you opened a message from the girl 'by mistake', and tease him about her seeming to have a bit of a crush - obviously looking for a father figure - does he fancy being a bit of a cliche etc.? Better not let Mum find out - you'd be for the high jump. Just generally take the mick a bit.

Would it help? I don't know, but maybe it might shame him into thinking before he embarks/continues with an inappropriate relationship.

ThisIsANiceCage · 05/04/2011 14:40

Yes, I was wonder if something like that might work, ajandjjmum.

Doesn't even have to be done jokingly.

"Dad, I picked up your phone by mistake and saw texts on it. I'm not asking, but if you ever did anything to hurt mum I'd find it hard to forgive you."

If he's playing out the romantic hero script so beloved of adulterers, that would bring it crashing back into the family context. Where there are consequences for everyone.

Original poster

rocketupbum · 05/04/2011 18:23

I like the idea of doing it in a jokey/more flippant way. My DH (who knows what I found) has offered to do something along those lines. Not sure if that just makes it more awkward?
And then I read a story from oldwomanshoe and start to feel very nervous about rocking the boat for the entire family. We are very close and all get together for meals/weekends/hols etc.
Bollocks

OP posts:

ThisIsANiceCage · 06/04/2011 01:08

Well, by joking or saying you don't want to know, you can give him an escape route while still marking his card.

Sorry you're in this situation, btw.

NunTheWiser · 06/04/2011 01:30

If something is going on, I'd bet a lot on the fact that your mum knows, even if she is choosing not to acknowledge it. By making the issue public, if indeed there is anything going on, you are forcing both your mum and dad to take action.
As long as I was not being asked to lie or cover for someone, I would not tell your mum. You have no idea what the boundaries (explicit or implied) are in another relationship.
If you don't feel you can leave it, why not do as another poster suggested. Tell your dad you picked up his phone thinking it was yours and saw some texts that, even though they are from a silly wee girl younger than his daughter , might be misconstrued if someone else were to read them so perhaps he ought to discourage her from sending them. If it's innocent, he may not have even considered that they could be seen as inappropriate and if not, well, he knows they've been seen.

Disney24 · 06/04/2011 07:59

I would tell him. it needs dealing with, maybe this woman is after his money.

AKissIsNotAContract · 06/04/2011 08:38

That's a very odd thing to bring into this, Disney. She could only get his money if he divorced his wife and married her. There is absolutely no indication based on a few texts that this will happen.

cabbageroses · 06/04/2011 08:45

OP- what have you decided?

I hope you won't tell.

perhaps you could though say you had picked up his phone the oter day in error and read some texts before you realised ...and be really apologetic and see his reaction?

That way you don't accuse him, your mum is not involved, and he has the chance to knock it on the head.

However- I do feel you should not play judge and jury. You don't know all the facts or what is going on in your parents' marriage.

maybe- just maybe- your dad has a history of flirting with women- considered that? maybe you never knew. maybe your mum does and it's her part of the bargain.

And take on board that if you ever do "tell" it might bite you on the bum as someone said- they may not thank you- but will blame you for upsetting things.

marylouise75 · 06/04/2011 10:37

My parents have been married for nearly 40 years. I found out my father was having an affair when I was 16. He use to "lodge" in her flat and I would go up and stay with them! I buried my head in the sand and never said a word. My father is now nearly 70 and this woman was his secretary. Not a young, attractive thing either but probably 8 years younger than him. I had to have dinner with them when I was about 27 and it was clearly still going on. He was always so much nicer around her. I am very good at acting a bit dozy about things but I just wanted to get out of there. This woman now lives abroad but she does come to stay with both my parents and they go over to stay with her. I personally can't bear to be around if she is around because I feel so awkward and fearful for my mother. It annoyed me that my father told me to invite her to our wedding. The trouble is I actually quite like her. She use to take me shopping in my teens.

I would never have dreamed of saying anything to my father. he's not approachable. And I would never say anything to my mother either. I haven't spoken to my siblings and i haven't said anything to my DH. I am in my thirties now but I still worry they would divorce and my mother is very old fashioned and marriage is very important to her.

I have come to accept it I guess. Although it is upsetting, so many people have affairs and if it never comes out in my parents' lifetime, so much the better. I will probably go to my grave with my secret!

ajandjjmum · 06/04/2011 12:01

Wow marylouise - you're a strong lady. But relationships are funny - maybe they are all genuinely friends now.

marylouise75 · 06/04/2011 12:16

I think my mum suspected and I'm sure my siblings do but stiff upper lip in my family and best not to face things like that!

Bluemoonrising · 06/04/2011 12:50

When I was in my early 20's, I befriended a man I met through the drama group I was in. He was in his early 60's. We just hit it off, had very similar interests and great conversation.

There was never anything untoward went on (or even thought about), but our telephone calls were a bit like that (this was before text messages and emails existed... showing my age here!).

It might be an innocent friendship with a woman that is maybe a bit naiive as to how the texts will come across.

oohlaalaa · 06/04/2011 12:58

Hi Rocketbump, I have not read all of the thread, but if it was me, I would try to forget what Ihave seen. I don't think any good would come from confronting anyone - only hurt.

Original poster

rocketupbum · 06/04/2011 19:43

Hi all again
I have not totally decided what to do but my strongest instinct is to ignore. I have a very small vague suspicion that my mum might know and I do not want to blow this all up in some dramatic family showdown. If it all goes tits up I think I can support her better if I have not been the catalyst in the situation.
They do not have the perfect marriage (I dont really believe anyone does) but I did perhaps think that my dad had quite high moral values. I think it will take time to work this out in my head and see their flaws and faults as normal human stuff.
I plan to talk to a pal in rl, her dad had an affair. It is hard to discuss with other people as I do not want them to judge my parents. Thank you all for helping me talk/write all this through after the intial shock.

OP posts:

commeuneimage · 07/04/2011 08:20

It was my daughter who told me she suspected my husband was having an affair. (She was 18 and had noticed how oddly he was behaving.) I trusted him implicitly and the thought had never crossed my mind.

I asked him straight out if he was and he confessed, and it was terrible for the whole family. But the truth needed to come out and I would never have blamed my daughter for telling me her suspicions. I felt such an idiot as it was for not having seen what was going on. If it went on even longer and my children knew about it and I didn't that would have been even worse.

I'm inclined to think you should tell your father what happened and ask him if there's something going on that your mother should know about. Or tell your mother and get her to ask him. But it's a very difficult situation for you and you don't have to do anything if you feel you can't. I just don't think your parents would blame you for raising it - it's about them, not you. Good luck.

welshbyrd · 07/04/2011 09:46

I could not ignore it

I wonder all those that have suggested this, would feel if they thought their mum/dad knew of some dodgys texts off another woman to thier DH/DP, and chose to keep stum

welshbyrd · 07/04/2011 09:46

I also do accept this is a very horrible situation for you to be in

jesuswhatnext · 07/04/2011 10:25

op - ive been thinking about this for a few days - what is the general kind of way you speak to your dad? - is it a jokey kind of way, could you laugh, say you had picked up his phone and wondered if he was being a daft old sod and having his truned by a bit of fluff? , it marks his card without being confrontational, lets him know that you know and if something is going on it may bring him up short!

or, could you bring up the woman in normal conversation and just ask if he has heard from her lately as you were wondering how she was getting on? kind of test his reaction then?

i have a feeling that actually, nothing is going on, you say he is comfortable spending time with you all, you are all close and do a lot together, dosnet sound like he is disarppearing/acting suspiciously etc - ime my df, the same sort of age as yours, has made many friends, men and women, in the course of his business life, he keeps in touch, he particuarly likes to know how 'younger' people are getting on and enjoys meeting up/having dinner/lunch - it could be totally innocent!

jesuswhatnext · 07/04/2011 10:26

having 'his head turned'! doh!

carmenelectra · 07/04/2011 13:11

I still find it hard to comprehend that we are living in the 21st century and people think it is best not to say anything in case it 'upsets the applecart'.

Why would anyone want to let their dad 'get away' with 'possibly' cheating on their mother who they presumably love to bits?

If it were a friend or colleague, yeah keep your gob shut, as you would most certainly be blamed, but your mother???

I think this would only work if you are able to truly not let it affect your relationship with your parents once you had this knowledge. personally, I could not 'be ok' with my dad if I thought he was up to something, just to play happy families. I would at the very least have to comment that I had seen the messages and gauge the reaction.

I agree with the poster who say what would they like to happen if a parent viewed such messages about their own dp/dh.

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