My DH is leaving me.

[Porcelina]

My DH is leaving me.

He'll be leaving at the start of May I think. For "a month or so" to stay with his brother but I don't think he'll be coming back. He isn't in love with me any more.

The past 8 months since DS2 was born have been tough and have, for the most part, been a blur of shit sleep, frequent crying, guilt, shit sleep, etc. But as with all things baby-related, it isn't forever, it passes, and in the past month or so the fog has really started to lift and I'm enjoying being a mum of 2 (finally). Sadly, while I've been wandering alone in this haze of physical but mostly emotional exhaustion, DH has completely closed himself off. In about November he started spending insane amounts of time on the xbox, and then increased the amount of martial arts he was doing, and then started running / training every night to the point that he was so exhausted he almost fell asleep at the wheel once or twice and I refused to let DS1 go anywhere in the car with him. I noticed that quite suddenly he stopped saying 'i love you' or giving me a kiss when he came in / went out etc, stopped sending me texts through the day. His behaviour was noticalbly cold and distant and I ended up writing him a letter asking what was going on. We've talked and he says that he loves me but he doesn't feel 'in love' with me, he doens't have any sexual feelings toward me (or at all in fact). He's totally focussed on his martial arts and training. He now does a different martial arts class every night, AND then goes out training for about 3-4 hours afterwards. He puts DS1 to bed while I sort out DS2 and then leaves the house right away and doesn't come home until 1am, sometimes later, depending what shift he's working. He has changed the crappy attitude, though... he's no longer cold and unfriendly, in fact he's very pleasant and chats to me quite normally.
He doesn't even want to try and work things out. He says how can he try when he doesn't feel anything? He won't miss a martial arts class to stay home for even one night to spend even a little time together. I can't believe he's willing to throw away our family life as easily as this.
The craziest thing is that we don't argue. We actually get on really well. There is no bad atmosphere in the house. He adores the boys and they love him, especially DS1... which brings me to my title question.. how the fuck do I explain this to my beautiful 3yr old? Where do I even start? I never, ever thought this would happen to my family. I always thought we were strong enough to get through anything, and now everything is falling apart and I can't do anything to stop it.

[louloudia]

i wonder if he is involved in drugs to increase his stamina

could explain the behavioural changes

[mouseface]

I have to agree with other posters that I don't know of anywhere that is open for training at that time every night, assuming that I've read that right and he's not working until 1am?

The reason I asked about the 'function as normal if he stays' is that if he is having an affair, then he's coming home to you, loving, caring you who has washed his clothes, cooked him food, cleaned the house, ironed his shirts or the like.....

Do you see what I am trying to say.

Cake and eat it springs to mind.

He has to go Porcelina.

[MissMontoya]

His story just sounds so unlikely. I have never known a man who exercised for five hours a night every night. I have, however, known dozens of men who have had affairs, particularly (sadly) when their children are very young and their wife's time and energy is taken up by rearing babies.

I'm really, really sorry. This is just unbelievably shit and I wonder how on earth your 'D' H can look himself in the mirror knowing what a shite husband he is.

[GandTiceandaslice]

He's having an affair.
And what you were going through with a young baby is no excuse.
Good luck for you future x

[Porcelina]

Yes, he is having his cake and eating it.
I think though, surely if he was having an affair he wouldn't mention her regularly and tell me that he's going over to hers to play xbox (like tonight for example).
As far as I know the 'training' is mostly practising martial art techniques now, with some running but not nearly as much as he was doing when he was so insanely exhausted that he couldn't keep his eyes open and looked quite ill. He seems to need to 'perfect' all the techniques he's learning, to be the best, and will go over and over and over certain routines until it's completely perfect. I looked through his kit bag the other week and there are pages and pages of japanese terminology for ninjutsu techniques, so I still think the over-exercise is an all consuming addiction.
Not that I'm ruling out the OW totally. But if anything I suspect it's emotional and not sexual.
I don't think he's into any drugs to increase stamina - I think given his quest to challenge himself and prove himself he would see that as failure.
I will talk to him at dinner time (DS1 is at his grandparents' for the night) and suggest he goes to his brothers' sooner than May. Though I think the reason for it being May could be due to his brother's convenience.

Thank you all, I really appreciate your perspectives and your help x

[MollieO]

If he isn't having an affair then where is he every night until 1am?

[TheCrackFox]

It is almost irrelevant if he is having an affair (although playing X-Box with her sounds unlikely) he is treating you the same way a 17yr old boy treats his mum. He likes having a nice home, freshly washed clothes, nice dinners but is looking for fun somewhere else.

He needs to go and you need to start putting yourself first. You must be exhausted.

[MrsStudMuffin]

He could be mentioning her to throw you off the scent.

If he is going he should go now but maybe his OW/her flat isn't available until May.

[TheCrackFox]

Men often mention who they are having an affair with all the time. They can't help it, they are so pleased with themselves.

[QuintessentialShadows]

So, are both children in bed with you?

If the kids are in bed with you, at what time would it be natural for him to feel sexual about you?

I am just thinking, if he loves you, and respects you, and you get on, and there is no ow, could it be worth try to get the closeness back, and teach your children to sleep in their beds?

[amberleaf]

He is sooo having an affair and in time it will be so obvious that you will kick yourself for thinking otherwise!

He really does sound as though hes having his cake and eating it to-particularly that fact that his children visit at weekends. If you kick him out tmrw how will his access visits work?

seriously dont let him take the piss until may.

Pack him a bag.

[peeriebear]

My DH had an EA last year. He mentioned OW all the time to put me off the scent. It sounds like he has found a woman who is "fun" ie martial arts/XBox, no kids, no complicated family stuff, so is planning to get on that boat. However he is keeping one foot on the dock, ie you.
I hope i'm wrong though.

[ScaredOfCows]

OP - when do you get time off in all of this? When he lives at his brother's he needs to understand that he will be required to participate in childcare, to have the children so that you can go out/persue a hobby, so that should really start now. If he won't stay in with you then he needs to stay in on his own to give you at least a couple of nights off a week.

[piratecat]

Sorry to hear this Porcelina, it was the same for me.

what you have explained was my ex dh too, only he turned to Buddhism and tai chi. Completely 'abandoned' us.

Left on the same night he told me he didn't love me anymore, and didn't ever want to talk about it again.

Mine got colder and more distant, less interested in dd, started being mean and angry. All the sides i never know existed in him. My guess is it was a way for me to get angry with him and then he a reason to start hating me.
He had issues and i feel yrs later he still has them, that he never resolved his 'crisis', as under 2 months later he met someone else. ( i did ask him if he had got involved with her before this, but he said no-i will never know). Yet there was a woman who he knew at one of his classes, who he mentioned a few times as being nice, and that she had a boyfriend and baby. I just thought, oh thats nice you have someone at your classes you get on with. He was deffo one of those guys you could trust, and i had no reason to think anythng of it. I think, he confided in her about our marriage, the ups and downs, the turmoil of the never ending sleeplessnights, the strain.

Yet, like you i thought we would get there, and like you i had started to feel better, when the bombshell came.

I am so sorry this is happening for you. I am afraid that some men end up lacking responsibility and the ability to move through change. It hurts to accept this, as it seems bloody unfair and why can't they do it if we 'have ' to. x

[EricNorthmansMistress]

I'd guess he's in the 'permission giving' stage. She's not an OW yet (in his mind) as they haven't been physical. So he's telling you he wants out before he starts something with her. That way he can feel completely fine about telling you about her because nothing has happened in his mind. He can also convinmce himself that he ended it with you first and is therefore not a bad person. In fact, I'd bet £££££££ that she, or what she represents (interests in common, excitement, opposite of domesticity, sexual promise) has been the insigator, if not the cause of his 'falling out of love with you'.

At some point, soon, it will get physical, because he is giving himself permission to do so by ending it with you first. That does not mean it is not currently an affair or that he is behaving well, or that he would be leaving you if she wasn't on the scene.

I'm going to be contraversial and say that if you could have counselling now, and he could see what is happening before it goes too far, you might have a shot at working it out - but I suspect once it goes sexual it might be too late for you :(

[purpledragonfly]

I don't mean to be abrupt but am a bit rushed...

99% chance of affair IMO. Happened to me, all seems so similar. You mustn't let him stay until May. He's taking you for a fool and during April he's going to have his cake and eat it. He's going to decide on a plan etc...you mustn't let him do this to you! In the vast majority of cases, men don't just leave. They leave because they have an OW.

You should tell him he must leave today. A shock like that would help him decide whether he actually wants the OW or whether he wants to give your marriage another go. He is just using the marital home as a hotel.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Quint makes a good point.

I will confess that last year DH and I had lost our way big time. Not due to a baby but the results were similar..in September I cheated on him (not sex, but cheated) with a stranger. He got my number and we texted. DH was away and when he came back all the things that had hurt me, upset me, annoyed me seemed overwhelming and I told him I wanted to separate. I then went on to have an affair with the OM (although DH and I were 'separated' it was still an affair). I was so tired of being in e relationship that seemed broken and couldn't summon the energy to try to fix it, so I ran away from it.

Your H is being a coward and a loser and completely intolerant of the changes a new baby brings - but damage to a relationship can often be fixed, it needs both of you to acknowledge the damage, your parts in it, and work together.

I suspect he's on a course to an affair now that probably won't be derailed. I think I know what he feels like and if I'm right then he won't give her up at this stage. I hope I'm wrong :(

[Niceguy2]

Porcelina. It does not matter if he is having an affair or going to have an affair....there is no difference to you.

Step back a minute and read back what you are writing as though this is not you but someone else. What do you see?

From our point of view, we see a woman who's husband has said "I don't love you anymore but I'm going to leave you in a bit. I have this female friend but honest guv'nor, nothing has happened, we just erm play xbox games all night."

More interestingly, read your replies. You are actually defending his behaviour and making excuses for him. Do you know what that makes you sound like? Actually I do.

A few years ago my (now ex)GF got rather drunk one night and took an exception to my heinous crime of watching TV with her. Long story short, she bit me so hard that she has left teeth marks on me. A few days later, was out with the lads and whilst getting changed, I forgot and one of my best mates saw the bite. All the way home, the lads were telling me that it was over. All the way home I was defending her....until it hit me. I sounded like one of them women who gets beaten up and then actually defends her attacker. I dumped her the very next day.

This is no different. He's not physically but emotionally kicking you around and not being the supportive husband he took an oath to be. Yet here you are defending his behaviour.

There is no excuse. Take charge now. Even if you don't want to kick him out right this second, at the very least start talking to a divorce solicitor, talk to the benefits ppl to see what you are entitled to.

You can see the car crash coming. If you can't avoid it, at least take some action to cushion the impact!

[Porcelina]

Quint - that's a valid comment. Yes both children sleep in the family bed (king size plus single mattresses if you're wondering about space). I know this isn't ideal for everyone but it is our belief that the children decide when they want/need their own bed space. Obviously this arrangement can have an impact on sexual relations. But it doesn't always have to happen in the bed and prior to ds2's arrival, we always made time where possible to spend adult time together in the evenings downstairs. A dvd and cosy blankets etc. It wasn't as often as we would have liked but we were getting there!

To be honest, sex has been the last thing on my mind in the past few months anyway. But with regard to getting the closeness back... I have asked him if he'd like to spend some time together just talking and maybe watching a dvd or something and he said no, that he's not really interested in films etc at the moment, or in spending any time with me in that way.

EricN - yes, if anything is in fact going on with her, that is exactly what I would surmise is the situation. I asked him again outright today about her and he said nothing is happening at all, which i know doesn't mean it's the truth, but my instinct does say he's telling the truth.
He has point blank refused to go to counselling or marriage guidance, so that's not going to happen.

[Porcelina]

Niceguy2 - we crossed posts there. I will read back over my posts in a minute. Yes I suppose I am aware that I am being too easy-going about this. Too understanding. I guess it's because perhaps I'm still thinking that he's having some sort of depressive-related episode and that this isn't really him. It's certainly not normal behaviour by anyone's standards. And therefore I suppose I want him to get help and become the husband he once was.
Perhaps it hasn't actually sunk in yet. I shall go and re-read with a different perspective and re-assess my judgement... thanks x

[NimpyWindowmash]

Hi Porcelina, I just wanted to echo what ScaredOfCows said - he is indulging in all this martial arts and Xbox as a way of escaping from his parental responsibilities, as well as escaping from working on your marriage. So I hope you won't let him continue to get away with it. He should be helping out with looking after the kids so you can pursue your hobbies, nights out with friends etc. That is not asking too much, they are his kids too, and he needs to be aware of his responsibilities in caring for them, even if he can't be bothered to engage in the relationship any more.

[Niceguy2]

It's certainly not normal behaviour by anyone's standards

No you are right but his behaviour is classic for someone who is having an affair.

[CelebratedMonkey]

He's either having an affair or is obsessive about his hobbies to the point of losing his family - either way, he's completely selfish. He hasn't 'fallen out of love' so much as not taken any of the steps most of us do on a daily basis to stay involved in and caring about family life.

[Jemma1111]

If he were my husband I'd have him out the door with the xbox shoved firmly up his arse!

Blimey, this bloke goes training more times than Bruce Lee ever did!

Seriously, he is taking you for an idiot and I honestly think that if you let him hang around, using your home as a hotel, until May then you will kick yourself for it.

[positivesteps]

Hi porcelina,

So he's over at another womans playing on the xbox tonight? Who is she? Do u not think its odd he's there.

I told my husband about this and he said he doesn't know anYone who would be able to keep up that amount of exercise every night.
Also if he out till 1am every night when does he work? What job does he do? Could it be somebody at work he fancies?

He's probably going somewhere after his training. Either his friends to keep out of way or to another womans. Does he train at weekends? What does he do at weekends?
But you said he's at another womans tonight. Think he's trying to lessen his guilt but think he's not being honest about seeing her as just a friend. He could play xbox at home and be their for the children if they wake up in the night, and be a dad.
But he chooses to be with her therefore suggests why he cant emotionally connect with you Is because he has feelings for her. He needs to bloody grow up if I'm honest and act like a responsible adult.
I think you need to suggest him going now and be firm and tell him he needs to take some responsibility for the kids while you go out etc now that your separating. Keeping him there is prolonging your agony.
Can you not have a night out and tell him he has to look after kids? Then go out don't be his doormat.