My DH is leaving me.

[Porcelina]

My DH is leaving me.

He'll be leaving at the start of May I think. For "a month or so" to stay with his brother but I don't think he'll be coming back. He isn't in love with me any more.

The past 8 months since DS2 was born have been tough and have, for the most part, been a blur of shit sleep, frequent crying, guilt, shit sleep, etc. But as with all things baby-related, it isn't forever, it passes, and in the past month or so the fog has really started to lift and I'm enjoying being a mum of 2 (finally). Sadly, while I've been wandering alone in this haze of physical but mostly emotional exhaustion, DH has completely closed himself off. In about November he started spending insane amounts of time on the xbox, and then increased the amount of martial arts he was doing, and then started running / training every night to the point that he was so exhausted he almost fell asleep at the wheel once or twice and I refused to let DS1 go anywhere in the car with him. I noticed that quite suddenly he stopped saying 'i love you' or giving me a kiss when he came in / went out etc, stopped sending me texts through the day. His behaviour was noticalbly cold and distant and I ended up writing him a letter asking what was going on. We've talked and he says that he loves me but he doesn't feel 'in love' with me, he doens't have any sexual feelings toward me (or at all in fact). He's totally focussed on his martial arts and training. He now does a different martial arts class every night, AND then goes out training for about 3-4 hours afterwards. He puts DS1 to bed while I sort out DS2 and then leaves the house right away and doesn't come home until 1am, sometimes later, depending what shift he's working. He has changed the crappy attitude, though... he's no longer cold and unfriendly, in fact he's very pleasant and chats to me quite normally.
He doesn't even want to try and work things out. He says how can he try when he doesn't feel anything? He won't miss a martial arts class to stay home for even one night to spend even a little time together. I can't believe he's willing to throw away our family life as easily as this.
The craziest thing is that we don't argue. We actually get on really well. There is no bad atmosphere in the house. He adores the boys and they love him, especially DS1... which brings me to my title question.. how the fuck do I explain this to my beautiful 3yr old? Where do I even start? I never, ever thought this would happen to my family. I always thought we were strong enough to get through anything, and now everything is falling apart and I can't do anything to stop it.

[malibustac]

porcelina, as hard as this is you are doing the right things. Dont mean to sound rude but with dh out the house so much ds wont notice too much has changed and due to access he will probably get more quality time with his dad. Building a better relationship.

We're here if you need to vent {{hugs}}

[caramelwaffle]

(hug)

Good on you for getting things organised.

When you think of doing Anything from now on, think of yourself first x

[Porcelina]

joed293 - several men? I really don't think so. I may be slightly in denial about the OW but I'm 100% sure there's no other man.

Anyway, I haven't asked him to leave before May. No clear reason why, but financially it definitely makes sense.
But I'm really under no illusion here - he's not going for a month. He's going for good.
So I've been filling in forms and making phone calls applying for benefit. And I've started planning things with the kids. Organising and planning my life as a single mum. It's scary. I know it's going to be tough at times. But I deserve more than I've been getting for the past 4-6 months. Whether it's OW or an exercise addiction, the bottom line is he doesn't want me. He's not interested in trying. Which means me and the family unit mean far less to him than we should. Which is not okay.

And PositiveSteps, you're right about his brother. He wouldn't want to lie to me, but would do it for his brother if the situation arose. He's loyal to both of us but wouldn't go against his brother's wishes.

I'm feeling quite positive today, for myself at least, but so very very sad for my little boy who is going to miss his daddy so very much :(

[joed293]

'brother' he's definately cheating on you with at least several men, i've seen this before

[malibustac]

hows things porcelina? Thinking of you

[forehead]

Sorry OP, your dh is deffo having an affair. Why does he need to go to another woman's house, shouldn't he be sorting out his problems with you.?
I think that you're in denial and i think that you should insist that he leave.

[Shaggymane]

OP what WWIFN and many others have said. I have been in almost exactly the same scenario as you.

listen to what posters are saying. All the signs are there for you to act on, you have had hunches which you have reasoned away, he has virtually told you in words and actions that his preoccupations are not with you and his family, they are with someone else.

Do not allow him to dictate the timing of his going. You must take some control of this awful and sad situation and make the timing yours if you don't at some point down the line want to punish yourself further with self recriminations because you didn't act when you could.

You will, in the end, feel better for it. Believe me. so sorry.

[suburbophobe]

"spend some time together just talking and maybe watching a dvd or something and he said no, that he's not really interested - at the moment, in spending any time with me in that way."

Just wondering what this man is still contributing to your life in any way, apart from a lot of grief? He's got 2 children with you FFS!

If I was a mother with 2 babes sleeping in my bed with a dead-beat dad around, I'd've shown him the door long ago!

(I did, by the way, only 1 babe tho)

[Jemma1111]

Hi Porcelina, just wondering how things are going for you?

[oldwomaninashoe]

I'm sorry, he is having an affair, the circumstances you describe are text book!

Please wake up, and look after yourself and the children, stop giving him the benefit of the doubt.
He is not depressed he is worried that you might rumble his little scheme!

[amberleaf]

This is a really horrible situation OP and i really feel for you, lots of people who've posted here have been in your situation and know how you're feeling right now please take on what they are saying.

Get angry and dont let him F* you over anymore than he already has.

Dont feel sorry for him-hes not depressed...hes a bastard.

[Stac2011]

Hi porcelina

I have read the thread and totally agree with wwifn. Lets face it no-one wants thier OH is having an affair but look at the evidance you have.

Training till 1am
Going to her house and meeting her frequently
Her recently ended relationship
His brother is covering for him

Also the reason he doesnt want to leave till may is because OW doesn't want him to move in so soon after her exP has left.

Your instinct is saying he is telling the truth because you dont want him to be lying or hurt you, but he's doing it anyway.
I really feel for you and for your own sake this matter is sorted as soon as possible

[positivesteps]

Oh and he's not out training every night, that's just what he tells you.

[positivesteps]

Hi Porcelina,

I feel awful for you .

As for the thing with the brother he is always going to side with your husband. He's not going to tell you the truth if your h has asked him not too and if he knew the truth that he isn't going to stay with him then he won't want to hurt you by telling you either so don't think by asking your husbands own brother proves he's not guilty.

You had doubts about this woman before so your instincts are true but you are denying it to yourself. I totally get why . It must hurt you so much .
You said you know he goes to this other womans every other week well firstly why ? Why does he need to go their ? And why do you think its okay? Secondly he has told you he only goes then but how do you know he's not going every night? But thirdly even one night spent at another womans house when he's got a wife and family sat at home is not normal and plainly obvious he likes her. You had suspicions before and he's giving you evidence by choosing to be with her . He's got a cheek. Its heartbreaking but you can't force someone to love you. The best way is to let him go. If he loves you truly he will come back. Its whether you would want him back after his lies and cheating. Let him go though. You have nothing to lose he is not with you now physically or emotionally so what's the difference going to be? You deserve so much more and so do your kids.

[welshbyrd]

Again agreeing with everything WWIFN has said

I really feel for you OP

If you can not find the courage to confront DH at the moment, at least keep your eyes peeled for any unusual financial goings on, over the next few weeks, so as WWIFN said he does not screw you over
Im in the "he is having affair majority" too, im afraid

And quick thought, could you ask a sitter around one evening this week?
If DH is where he says he is, then you could pop there and have a sneaky peek? I know it sounds immature, but as your not willing to approach him yet, I can not see much else you can do, to be sure

[aurynne]

Sorry OP, he is shagging her. It is blindingly obvious for everyone reading this thread, and it would be for anyone else, except you. He is "preparing you" to leave you, and then magically, after some weeks, he will "announce" he has met somebody else.

Very, very predictable.

[Jemma1111]

Everything Whenwillifeelnormal has said is IMO spot on.

I know its upsetting to accept that its highly likely your H is having an affair but you must face it and go and find yourself the 'proof' you need. Just follow him one night and I'm sure you will find it.

As someone mentioned, most men do not leave their families unless they have another woman to go to.

Your H is out now (training?), and you are yet again left alone with your dc's feeling lost, worried, you name it. But does your H give a damn? No.

When my ex and I split, OW involved again, he at first promised to see our kids as much as he could and provide financially as much as he could. This was a lie, and as said before, men do have a habit of trying to get out of paying what they should for their kids.

Your H is acting like a lodger in your home and is just using you. Sorry to sound harsh but I hate to see women and children being treated like this.

Please don't let him continue to make a fool out of you.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

So that's why you're in denial of what seems obvious to everyone on the thread - if you had absolute proof that he was having an affair "then it's over. Completely. No going back." And you don't want that, so you'll ignore the overwhelming evidence and agree with posters who say it's irrelevant, whether there's an OW or not.

It's really not irrelevant you know. You're still clinging to some desperate hope that he's depressed, going through a crisis and is not himself - that he will change his mind. So you're going to let him live in your house, increase your hurt and pain every day he's there, feel like you're under a death sentence until he deigns to move out and no doubt in the meantime you'll carry on cooking, cleaning and tiptoeing around him in case he's feeling low? Plus of course, trying to do everything in your power to be the perfect woman whom he couldn't possibly leave?

Whereas if you had incontrovertible proof that he was having an affair, you'd do what? Hopefully tell him that you've blown this ridiculous tale of lost love and he'd better get out.

I think he's in the midst of a full-blown affair and I think he's delaying till May because of some barrier in the OW's life that would prevent her being able to live with him now. And he's plotting this on your time and planning to use your family budget, to finance his new lifestyle.

Quite apart from the emotional torture aspects, you need to know about the affair from a financial point of view. Men who leave for OW have a nasty habit of screwing their former partners and children for every last penny; forewarned is forearmed.

Please see this.

[Porcelina]

PeterAndre.. Yeah, I'm not sure. Certainly not with the children around, though, which they were for the entire time he was here this evening (1 hour between getting home from work and heading out to class & training again).

MC - thank you x

[MigratingCoconuts]

You have it about right porcelina...I wish you luck!

[PeterAndreForPM]

good luck x

I wonder when you would think it the "right time" to assert your rights as a person who deserves respect ?

[Porcelina]

I'm okay thanks. He's still here. As others have said, it's easier said than done. We did talk more yesterday... well, I talked, he said surprisingly little.
I spoke to his brother today, who also thinks his exercising is obsessive and his behaviour odd - but I trust his brother and he said that H will be staying there!

With regard to the 'OW' - just to be clear. He goes over to hers on a saturday every other week. And he also sees her once a week at a martial arts class where her ex also goes (H met her through her now ex). If he was going to hers to play xbox every night, he certainly wouldn't still be here now. If he was going to a male friend's once a fortnight to play xbox until the early hours I wouldn't be bothered so (allowing for them just 'being friends') that is much less of an issue than the being out training every night.

With regard to the 'mentionitis' - he doesn't talk about her that much. He used to mention her more a few months back, which is when the idea first crossed my mind that he may be interested in her. She was still living with her boyfriend at the time although things were rocky between them. I believe her ex also thinks it a bit too coincidental that within a month or two of them splitting, we have also separated!

Lookingfoxy - I think it's entirely possible that he's had / is having some kind of breakdown or depressive episode. He;s absolutely in total denial about the training and refuses to acknowledge there's anything wrong. He absolutely won't go to the GP or counselling of any sort.

But as some people have said, it's sort of irrelevant right now. If it turns out most of you are right and it is the OW, then it's over. Completely. No going back. And if it's a breakdown of sorts / depression then he needs to acknowledge it and get help. Of course I would support him through it, but while he's in denial and refuses to work at our relationship, we can't go anywhere or move forward anyway. We're just treading water.

But still, asking him to leave right away is still a scary prospect and yesterday wasn't the right time for me to say it. Turns out today wasn't either!
x

[PeterAndreForPM]

"worm" being the operative word...

[MigratingCoconuts]

I think it gets worse when they realsie their genitals have led them to make a mistake and they try to re-write history so that they are not as guilty as they actually are and worm they way back in.....

[PeterAndreForPM]

They can do some utterly horrible things when heir genitals are in charge

Or they convince themselves they have found their "soul mate" and the "love that will conquer all"

fucking tosser behaviour innit