How does it feel to look back on the Abuse a long time after breaking free?

[pirahamorgana]

My baby will be a year old in a 8 days time.

This time last year, I was trying to believe what I knew but didn't want to believe - that my now x p was an abusive,angry man who fit 100% of the Lundy Bancroft book profile.

I was afraid of the future.
I posted on here every day,usually lurked all day and often all night too.

Many wonderful MN-ers offered fantastic support and straight talking ,and my experiences and feelings were never more validated than by the NPD Threads.

I literally "woke up" whilst lurking on the first one.Even then, I took a while to really get out.

Now, I am preparing to return to work. My dc's and I have a calm,settled home.Any drama is of the normal family type.We dote on our baby.She is ours because her father has no contact.Aside from the fact that I took out a Harassment Order and had a panic button for most of last year,he now denies that she is his,and does not wish to see her.

So,we look back on what we now see as a lucky escape from which we gained a gift.

But it is now very difficult to believe that we - well, that I ,ever saw my relationship with him in positive terms at all.Prior to meeting him,I was a confident,outspoken woman.I would never have considered that I was at all vulnerable to being "scammed" or "taken in" by a con artist.Yet now,that is what I see when I look back.
I can see that I was "brain washed". I know the triggers,the weak points that he picked up - I actually had a virtual neon sign on my forehead,visible only to prospective abusers - Love me ; rescue me ; underneath , I need a man^ -

I still thought that a Mr Right could give me the perfect "ideal" family model,to present to the outside world.A big,strong man to be at my side to fight off the baddies who judged me as a single mother.

Now,I am proud of us for the family we are.I don't believe in fairytales.I can make my own happy endings.

What do others feel like,after time has moved on?

I am proud of the positive and strong person I have become.But I still struggle to come to terms with How on earth I couldn't see then,what is so obvious now?!!!!

I would love to hear from others about this

I was a different person at that time. Like you I am now confident and happy, have more self worth.

It is 10 whole years plus a few weeks, since I saw the light and finally dumped my ex. I do look back very occasionally and am at myself.

I had a m/c when with my ex; was devastated at the time but in retrospect I think it was meant to be.

Dh and I (as in your house) have the "normal" family dramas but there is no emotional manipulation, alcoholism and mind/word games.

It is a massive relief and I appreciate what I have now all the more.

Best wishes to you pirahamorgana

My kind of thread....

When I look back, the years spent with H seem like another life I led, where each day was another to navigate through. It was scary because I never knew what was coming next; it was living with Jekyll and Hyde and chaos reigned.

Now life is gloriously normal with no confusion or fear. Contentment reigns.

I know I would never repeat my former mistake life, as I am a lot wiser, especially since arriving at MN.

Here, join me in a , and good luck all

Feels like it was a whole different life and that I was a different person. Odd moments are burnt into my memory, but its like watching a film.

There is also a feeling of pride that my DD and I came through some desperate times and we survived

Well done all the rest of you proud brave ladies

"contentment reigns" - what a lovely phrase. :)

piraha i hink maybe when you have another relationship then find put how much one has learned. What is normal, what is not. How to behave... I have always been relieved to think this isn'ta future risk. done it once, never twoce. stupid keypad.

Walking on eggshells all the time,everywhere.
Waiting for the big blow up,just for the relief of the peace that would follow - however shortlived - because he would be gone for a bit,and I could then make it all better - by apologising .....for anything/everything.....

omg.It crept up,gradually, insidiously.Until it seemed normal.....

The warning signs at the start - irritable with staff in a hotel at breakfast - I would never let that go now....

I can't believe I ever let ANY of it go.
I allowed him the power.

Now,I think back to some of the appalling scenes - ones where I felt scared and miserable (but didn't admit it to myself) and I wish I could go back there,stand up and say "who the hell are you to carry on like this,fuck off,I don't need you"

I thought I did.But quite clearly ,I didn't.
And - AAARGH - I thought it was "love" -wtf ?

Please believe I am not beating myself up here! This is all validating and affirming.At a "this time last year" point in my life.

I'm one year and four months on, this Friday.

I suppose I just feel... lucky. Lucky that I don't have to deal with that any more, but also lucky (and quite privileged, in a weird way?) to have the understanding I have now of that experience and now have such high standards. I find it really bizarre TBH because I look back on the relationship and I can't remember the good times at all, only the horrible parts. I don't remember what it felt like to love him or even that first flush of infatuation, I just feel angry at various things, weirdly angry at things I wasn't angry about at the time. Also quite a lot of memories now have the feelings clarified. I can remember in crystal clear detail the night that he punched a wall and smashed the ring he was wearing, that I'd bought for him, to symbolise our relationship. I was so so upset by that, more than anything else he ever did, but it's only in fact in the last few days that I recalled that and realised it was because it symbolised our relationship, that he'd effectively broken the relationship at that moment. (It took me 19 months after that to leave though) At the time I remember thinking "That's exactly how much he cares about me. Not at all. I can just be replaced with any other meaningless "ring"".

I feel lucky now because by the time I found mumsnet, the doubt had already set in, I felt able to post about it (though the first couple of threads I posted got "that's not abuse" replies.) and by the time I felt strong enough to leave I knew I'd have support - and it was only 2.9 years into the relationship, not 10+.

Mumsnet also made me see that neon sign above my head, Yes! I know all about that and learn how to switch it off, how to be happy on my own, and how to spot a loser - even if I never posted about the one I encountered, I had alarm bells ringing because of the way he was acting, I knew if I posted on mumsnet about him, I'd be told to call it off. Funnily enough a year later that same guy is "in a relationship" with a girl that he was taking the piss out of last year, and he's changed his status on facebook to a song lyric, the same one he used last year. He's still a player, I'm just glad I spotted it :)

And now with a lovely guy, taking things really slow, enjoying the fact I have a boyfriend but don't live with him and I just appreciate it all. Even when I miss him because we don't see each other, even when we argue. We both end up grinning. It's great, I couldn't have ever believed I'd have a relationship like this. I even initiated sex the other day (and very shortly after I left XP I really truly never thought I would have or want sex ever again) and afterwards he said "Damn, you spoiled my plans, I just wanted to cuddle tonight because we always end up having sex and I didn't want you to think that was all I come here for." and just tiny things like if we go to do something and the plan doesn't work out, it's not stressful, we just do something else, it's fun. Which is probably a word I could never have used to describe the relationship with XP.

Anyway I'm rambling

I look at my life now, almost 14 months after leaving and can't believe what I have achieved, I can't believe that the calm, peaceful, happy life is mine and here to stay. Sometimes I am so happy I just want time to stand still so that the feeling lasts forever.

I'm not quite where I want to be, I still feel affected by him even though I don't see him, I'm looking forward to the day when I feel completely free of him but meanwhile I push myself forwards enjoying all the simple pleasures in life that I was denied while living with him.

I don't think about the abuse much now, I fill my mind with other things but there are times when the thoughts take over and I am forced to think through them. At the time it was happening, although the sensible part of me knew it was abuse another part of me was in denial, I suppose I just couldn't believe it was happening to me, here was this successful man who everyone seemed to like and respect, I thought I must be getting it all wrong. But now, those same people are telling me how relieved they are that I left, that they knew there was something about him, that they never really liked him. The only person that has stood by him is his mother and also a couple of people who believe the false self he presents.

The best thing for me about leaving has been the massive change in my DD. She has blossomed, she has changed from a quiet, moody and sad little girl who didn't socialise well into a happy, confident child with lots of friends. She is doing well at school and so obviously loves her life. She loves her daddy too but every now and then she will want reassurance that we aren't going back.

I feel great! Life is good and getting better all the time

It feels great but I haven't got my confidence completely. Until I have financially separated which I'm fighting to do, I won't feel free.

I think I'm still looking over my shoulder and fighting really hard to avoid being in that situation or vulnerable ever again.

Friends laugh because I am independent and financially independent so they don't know why I worry..but he is still pursuing me for money. It will end.

It's 13 years for me since I left.

I used to feel ashamed of it and angry about it. But now I believe it taught me compassion and was a wonderful opportunity to learn how not to be victimised. I'm proud of myself for getting out. I feel sorry for the younger me having to struggle with that abuse but I don't pity her. She was very strong web though she felt very weak and powerless.

No-one could ever make me feel like that again because I'll never give anyone that power. And that makes me feel incredibly safe and relieved.

Congratulations on getting free. You should be very proud of yourself.

*even though (autocorrect!)

Blinder; " No-one could ever make me feel like that again because I'll never give anyone that power" - That is so true..

Cheers merrywidow !

A friend and I are convinced we will die single and lonely because we cannot let ourselves get close to a man because we fear giving power again?

How do you manage that?

Whilst I view myself as single I feel strong.
Letting a man into my life is dead scary.

I have a man in my life but he's being held at a distance

I thought that I would remain single forever too, although not lonely as I am far less lonely now as a single person than I was living with him. Recently though I have started thinking that I could enjoy a relationship because I am a different person to the one I was back then, I have learned such a lot about myself this past year and I am confident that I would not make the same mistake again, I trust my judgement. I also know I wouldn't settle for anything less than an equal relationship so there is no fear of me giving away my power and if I don't meet a man who fits the bill then I am quite happy to spend the rest of my life alone, because finally I am happy with me!

It took me years. It helps that my DP is a gentle sensitive musical sort. I don't take any shit. He is not allowed to raise his voice. We discuss things calmly or not at all. But he's very kind and sweet and he won me over.

Also I know what the signs of an abuser are and he doesn't have them. I also know that I have let go of a lot of the self-hatred and guilt and unworthiness that fuelled my acceptance of the abuse.

It took counselling and time for me. And I still struggle with some things but I do let myself get vulnerable with my DP because he has proved himself trustworthy.

Just take your time. It's ok to be wary.

If hes a good man he will understand and have patience.

The loneliness in a terrible relationship is by far the loneliest you can ever be

Yes indeed I was single for seven years on and off. And that was nowhere near as lonely as being with my ex.

It was lots more fun too !

The loneliness was crippling. He seemed to get such pleasure from denying my existence, going about his day, coming and going as he pleased, totally ignoring me. He would go days, sometimes weeks without speaking a single word to me. He refused to share a bedroom with me, he treated me like an outcast but yet was enraged when I left him. I still don't understand it. Not that I need to any more.

I remember I used to watch couples in the street/ at school events/ in restaurants and wonder if the women were treated badly by their partners and what kind of relationship they had; WTF!?

TimeFor, that is truly terrible..

Since I left my abusive ex I've got my old sparkle back and its great!

By reading alot of these threads though I'm shocked to see how common domestic abuse is

I do that now merrywidow. I was waiting to go see DD's teacher last night at parents evening and sat watching a couple talking to each other, having a proper conversation, he was listening to what his wife was saying and looking at her while she spoke, truly interested in what she had to say. I never had that with him. Then today at work a guy came marching up to reception with his young and very sad looking wife walking behind him, he did all the talking on her behalf and then walked away from the desk, ahead of her and without speaking or acknowledging her, I could guess what kind of relationship they have.