How does it feel to look back on the Abuse a long time after breaking free?

[pirahamorgana]

My baby will be a year old in a 8 days time.

This time last year, I was trying to believe what I knew but didn't want to believe - that my now x p was an abusive,angry man who fit 100% of the Lundy Bancroft book profile.

I was afraid of the future.
I posted on here every day,usually lurked all day and often all night too.

Many wonderful MN-ers offered fantastic support and straight talking ,and my experiences and feelings were never more validated than by the NPD Threads.

I literally "woke up" whilst lurking on the first one.Even then, I took a while to really get out.

Now, I am preparing to return to work. My dc's and I have a calm,settled home.Any drama is of the normal family type.We dote on our baby.She is ours because her father has no contact.Aside from the fact that I took out a Harassment Order and had a panic button for most of last year,he now denies that she is his,and does not wish to see her.

So,we look back on what we now see as a lucky escape from which we gained a gift.

But it is now very difficult to believe that we - well, that I ,ever saw my relationship with him in positive terms at all.Prior to meeting him,I was a confident,outspoken woman.I would never have considered that I was at all vulnerable to being "scammed" or "taken in" by a con artist.Yet now,that is what I see when I look back.
I can see that I was "brain washed". I know the triggers,the weak points that he picked up - I actually had a virtual neon sign on my forehead,visible only to prospective abusers - Love me ; rescue me ; underneath , I need a man^ -

I still thought that a Mr Right could give me the perfect "ideal" family model,to present to the outside world.A big,strong man to be at my side to fight off the baddies who judged me as a single mother.

Now,I am proud of us for the family we are.I don't believe in fairytales.I can make my own happy endings.

What do others feel like,after time has moved on?

I am proud of the positive and strong person I have become.But I still struggle to come to terms with How on earth I couldn't see then,what is so obvious now?!!!!

I would love to hear from others about this

You can move on and have happy, fulfiling lives. I was abused by step-father over many years - my mother married him (within 6 wks of meeting him) despite him admitting he "had a problem with young children". She had 3 young children (my dad died) and she might as well have gift wrapped us. She told me later that she never believed he'd touch her children.

Well that set me up nicely for an abusive relationship at uni (mental and physical) It was my first proper relationship (ie) sexual and it was 2.5 yrs before I was able to see what was going on and walk out.

I ended up having counselling many many years later in my mid 30's. I guess once I was married and had children of my own and could never imagine putting them in that situation, I could not get my head around what my mother had done. When I got the courage to bring up the abuse (when in seniour school) she slapped me round the face and told me I was always a precocious child!

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I have been happily married to a wonderful man for 13 years, have 2 great children with DC 3 on the way. It may seem a long long time away, but a different, happy life is possible for everyone.

Thanks, Triton. I'm sorry you had such a horrible childhood.

girlfromdownsouth - glad you have managed to leave the legacy of your childhood . I think it always there, the sadness of what you missed. However a great healing can be found through giving your own children what you didn't have.

I think by reading these threads it shocks me even more that my adoptive mother stood back and let it happen (although in reality she is an abuser too). These women have shown that you can have the strength to leave and do better for your children

The thing is a was a precocious child but it is exactly because my adoptive father was inappropiate and crossed boundaries

Just wanted to add - I do intervene when I see it. Always have. I go up to the woman and ask if she's all right. They always say yes but at least it breaks the moment and validates her feeling. I have the phone in my hand and dial 999 if the man tries to have a go at me - I've only ever had to make the call once (the police arrested them both!)

I remember one time, when XH was bawling me out in Sainsburys, a couple of people came up and had a word. It meant so much to me, I resolved to carry on interfering

Nicknametaken, as things stand right now I have every faith that my DD will make the right choices when it comes to men. She already has a good head on her shoulders

Triton, thank you. I too am sorry you had such a bad childhood. I had a narcissistic mother too which led to a very lonely and desperately sad childhood. It seems I chose a partner who was very much like my mother.

As for my son, yes, I was with him while he was growing up. I was a single parent to him up to the age of 8yrs and he was a wonderful little boy, we then moved in with my ex and things slowly began to change. My ex seemed to enjoy getting my son onside, buying his affection with expensive gifts and money. He would complain about my son to me, over trivial things really but her would insist that I speak with him and 'put him straight'. I would do as I was told because I was afraid not to but then my ex would side with my son against me, making me look the bad guy. Then my son would be given money by my ex, he seemed to be rewarding him for his behaviour towards me. I used to feel like he had set me up to row with my son. I think he know exactly what he was doing.

I left my abusive husband 3 years ago today.

The abuse was mostly emotional, sometimes physical and he was unfaithful for much of our marriage but I was so ashamed I never told anyone how bad it was. After 14 years I was no longer the confident happy person I had been when I met him. In fact I was such a mess and so desperate I left my children and my home - I just had to get away.

Now I am married to the most wonderful man who has supported me through everything and helped me find my old happy confident self again. My DS and DD now live with us and have regular contact with their Dad, we have bought a new home together and we are sorting out the financial mess my exH left. My DH is my best friend, the love of my life and a great step dad to 2 DCs who have had a lot to cope with.

I never thought it was possible to be this happy and finally I know I am a good Mum - something exH always told me I wasn't - I can see my DC blossoming in a happy family environment, growing in self-confidence, making friends and starting to do better at school.

So that difficult, emotional decision I made in a state of desperation and distress 3 years ago was the best one I have ever made. Perhaps it would have been easier if I had taken the children at the time, one day I may be able to forgive myself for that although they forgave me a long time ago. I have also learned to deal calmly and unemotionally with exH, I have the confidence to stand up to him and I am no longer afraid of his reactions.

I almost can't remember the person I was then - it seems like a lifetime ago so much has happened.

It had crossed my mind to leave without the DCs Ginandchocolate.

This evening a friend has come over with her DS, her DH is away and so is my DP ( working ). We are having a big sleepover, shes just popped home to get her dog. When H was here, even if he was away this would not have been possible.

Its a lovely evening

Well today has been lovely! A calm, peaceful Mother's Day, no abuse, stress or drama. No matter what the occasion, if it was my occasion, he had to be the centre of attention and ruin the day, he couldn't stand me to be happy. Today, looking back on the abuse feels good because I am finally free of it!