How does it feel to look back on the Abuse a long time after breaking free?

[pirahamorgana]

My baby will be a year old in a 8 days time.

This time last year, I was trying to believe what I knew but didn't want to believe - that my now x p was an abusive,angry man who fit 100% of the Lundy Bancroft book profile.

I was afraid of the future.
I posted on here every day,usually lurked all day and often all night too.

Many wonderful MN-ers offered fantastic support and straight talking ,and my experiences and feelings were never more validated than by the NPD Threads.

I literally "woke up" whilst lurking on the first one.Even then, I took a while to really get out.

Now, I am preparing to return to work. My dc's and I have a calm,settled home.Any drama is of the normal family type.We dote on our baby.She is ours because her father has no contact.Aside from the fact that I took out a Harassment Order and had a panic button for most of last year,he now denies that she is his,and does not wish to see her.

So,we look back on what we now see as a lucky escape from which we gained a gift.

But it is now very difficult to believe that we - well, that I ,ever saw my relationship with him in positive terms at all.Prior to meeting him,I was a confident,outspoken woman.I would never have considered that I was at all vulnerable to being "scammed" or "taken in" by a con artist.Yet now,that is what I see when I look back.
I can see that I was "brain washed". I know the triggers,the weak points that he picked up - I actually had a virtual neon sign on my forehead,visible only to prospective abusers - Love me ; rescue me ; underneath , I need a man^ -

I still thought that a Mr Right could give me the perfect "ideal" family model,to present to the outside world.A big,strong man to be at my side to fight off the baddies who judged me as a single mother.

Now,I am proud of us for the family we are.I don't believe in fairytales.I can make my own happy endings.

What do others feel like,after time has moved on?

I am proud of the positive and strong person I have become.But I still struggle to come to terms with How on earth I couldn't see then,what is so obvious now?!!!!

I would love to hear from others about this

A few months before H died My mum said to me ' you never used to be like this ', I asked ' Like what ?'

She said I was like a shadow and I didn't laugh and joke anymore and I seemed really deeply unhappy.

It was terrible merrywidow, I felt unwanted and in the way, I wished I was invisible. The day I moved into refuge he hadn't spoken to me for 16 days. The day I rang them I felt I was dying, I was emotionally drained, totally empty. I truly believe that Women's Aid saved my life, I don't know what would have happened if they hadn't helped me to get out.

I'm still in limbo. I'm "growing a new me" and it really will be some time, yet, before I feel the changes. I can already observe them by contrast - the woman who loved (almost worshipped) a string of miserable, self-serving, fucked-up fuckwits is no more. The little girl in me, who NEEDED to be loved, cared for - and told what to do - is less needy now; she's got me. My siblings' marriages now look like farces played by lunatics; I used to think they were normal.

I love to read and learn from threads like this one! Merrywidow, I always enjoy your posts. PM, I'm awestruck by the pace of your recovery! More power to you :)

I used to see other couples together or read or hear about relationship things, like the way someone's husband had proposed to her, or the way someone and her husband giggled about things together while she was in labour, from the extraordinary to the ordinary like that, and just feel awfully, awfully sad and empty and lonely and envious.

Then when I was single I didn't feel like that any more. If I saw something I thought was sweet, I just felt happy for them and I suppose thought "When I find someone, they will be like that with me." I went through a stage of watching loads of chick flicks and crying. In fact I went through a really emotional period where it was like I was rediscovering not only happiness, but sadness and anger and empathy, and everything was so strong. I still find it really hard to watch or read fiction because for a time in the relationship I couldn't afford empathy at all, now it's almost overwhelming, especially in a book or film where the intention is that you empathise with the characters, I can keep it to a manageable level in real life.

Now though I do find myself unconsciously analysing people's interactions to see what their relationship is like, say when watching One Born Every Minute. I can't just accept certain things any more and it really, really bothers me that so many people are unhappy but don't feel "justified" in ending the relationship. I want to show them the light I guess (the "light" being that being single is okay, XYZ is not just "how men are lol" and just that you deserve to be 100% happy in a relationship.) Honestly I wish I could get everyone to see this before they even start dating. How much heartache could be prevented if people knew they didn't have to put up with shit from the start?

Thanks Garlic!

TimeFor, I stood outside my solicitors office and sobbed my heart out the day I went to see them to file for divorce. I actually cancelled the proceedings about a month and a half later because H was writing ridiculous, stalling letters and running up my costs so that I could no longer afford it.

Three months after that H got sick and died

I don't know what would have happened if he'd lived; it was getting really bad.

A psychiatrist friend said something really interesting to me and that is some couples relationships descend into a downward spiral and others go upwards just getting better. I quite like that analogy

Merrywidow, it seems you were meant to get out of that relationship one way or another, fate appears to have stepped in.

My relationship certainly descended in a spiral downward, only stopping when I hit rock bottom. Now I'm spiralling upwards! Well, at my last session my counsellor did tell me that I would fly!

its been more than 10 years now for me. I feel like i have had two lives. one then that was truely awful and one now that is just brilliant.

i am everything xh said i could never be. i have a brilliant job am widely known locally and respected for my work and writing and public speaking. It just does not compare to my former life where for just over 10 years i was not allowed to leave the house on my own or speak to anyone except imediate family without xh present and then later to tell me how i could never be trusted with anyone as i was a complete psycho.

i must admit it has made me a much stronger person and i am more willing to speak out when i see abusive behavour now.

sounds like your xH was talking about himself jj

Thanks,garlicbutter! Some fabulously life affirming posts here.

Bertie,I so empathise with your last post.

I was in a beautiful city last weekend,visiting a famous cathedral.It was sunny and warm and crowded with couples and families in spring outfits.As we sat soaking it all up,I heard scuffling and the raised voice of a frightened woman.
I had to look hard ,through the crowds to see where it was coming from - no one else was looking .

A very tall girl of about 17 or so was been pulled by her elbow by an even taller man.I couldn't see at first what their relationship might have been.
I got up and rushed nearer.

No one else was interested.

He pushed her roughly onto a bench and it looked as if she was very afraid that he might hit her.His face and body language were intimidating.
Two younger teenage boys were standing by him,looking embarrassed.
The man was shouting very loudly in German,right into her face as she cowered and cried.

I felt sick and very angry.
The person I was with held me close and wouldn't let me intervene.I had dd5 in her pushchair and said (rashly,in the heat of the moment) "lets see if he'll do that to a woman with a baby"

My companion told me,gently,that it wasn't safe for me to rush over.He was worried that we could make it worse for the girl.He felt sure the man would be quick to "explain" and to leave.We were worried he would punish her for "getting others involved".

He looked around for a police officer,but there was a public protest going on nearby and we couldn't find one.

After a while ,the man shouted at all 3 teenagers and stalked off,away from the square.We felt sure he was their father.They all got up and followed him,the girl crying her eyes out and the boys either side of her.

I was really upset.It looked so familiar.He had made sure that her memory of that beautiful,famous place would be of the fear and upset he had created.And I also felt sure she would be apologising for causing him to do it.

I really wanted to do something - like to hold her and say "this is not ok,he has no right to behave like this" Just in case it made a difference - even years later.

I was saying I wish I was a massive,tough man so I could go and punch him.I would have done that anyway,if I hadn't been stopped.

We talked about it for a long time.We both worried that intervening could have made it worse for the girl.Neither of us speak much German.

But are these excuses?

I know that had it been me - it so very often was,once - my abuser (s) would have become charm itself at once,and explained it all away,ended up "mates" with the rescuers.
And I would have been terrified at what he'd have done to me later.Wishing no one could see me.

No one else took ANY notice at all.

Sorry for long post,I really wanted to share that.

I have been free for almost 10 years now. I have started counselling to talk about my abusive childhood, first marriage etc. and we discussing this today. I look back at the woman I was 10 years ago, and I almost can't believe it was me. It was like a transparent version of me, almost fading away.

Well done for getting away and building your life, it will get easier I promise.

I wish I could fast forward!

good on you all!
especially you PM, I remember your threads at the time, just awful

On 27th march it was 6 years since my ex tried to kill me. I was 17. He drove me apart from my family and I lived with him for a year. I thought I loved him

I am a totally different person now. I am happy now.

Back then I was controlled, verbally abused, down-trodden and self loathing. I was 'fat', 'ugly', 'worthless', 'nobody else would want me'. But he 'loves me and that's all that matters'.

In a drunken rage he locked me in a disabled toilet in a bar. He screamed and shouted in my face, pinned me up the wall. Told me he would kill me. Then proceeded to strangle me. The door was broken down as I blacked out. I didn't press charges, I told nobody and I went back to him.

I walked out on him in the middle of the night three months later and have never looked back.

He won then. He isn't winning now.

Now I am married to the most wonderful man. I have a DD and DC2 is on the way. I have learnt to be happy again.

He wants to dread the day he ever sees me again.

Lovely stories, although piraha, that's really sad about the man shouting at the girl. I feel like I can sometimes tell that there's a problem just by seeing a couple - the tension in a woman's body.

I'll be two years out of the relationship next month. I was reduced to tears on most days during the relationship, and guess what, after the initial flurry of tears after leaving, I haven't cried since. The first few weeks after I left, various friends came to stay, and I kept marvelling at how it felt to be around people who seemed to like me. I had got so used to being disliked. They cared how I felt, and they didn't ride roughshod over me to get their own way! It felt strange, and I'd only been married for 18 months. He did a lot of harm in a short period of time.

I see my ex fairly regularly due to our DD, and the difference is that I can walk away the minute he starts acting up. Now that is freedom! I love having my own bank account - not sure I could ever have a joint account again. Best of all, I can cuddle my DD whenever I want (well, assuming she allows me) without anyone getting jealous and pulling her away.

Well I suppose I am coming at this from a slightly different angle

I grew up with an abusive adoptive father. I still have the scars physically and mentally. He behaved in the classically narcissistic and abusive way that men like this do, but my adoptive mother did not have the courage that you ladies have. She stood by him and stood back whilst he abused me mentally, physically and sexually.

I am many years down the line and now have no contact with him. When I challenged him for the first time he cut me out of his life. I have had therapy and medication and am glad to say I now have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children - it has been a long, hard road though.

The love and advantage you give your children by walking away from these kind of men is priceless. As a teenager I self harmed and believed men would only like me if I was submissive. I abused myself and was miserable. I had eating disorders and was depressed. All this most certainly because of the controlling bastard I grew up with.

I am not sure why I posted but I wanted you to know that you are very brave women who have above all put the love for your children first by removing them from these fathers. These kind of men might be okay when children are little but they most certainly turn into abusers and manipulators of their children when they start to express individuality.

Well done!

Triton I am so glad you posted, thank you! Your post has made me feel really proud that I took action and got away.

The turning point for me, when I knew I really had to get away came at Christmas 2010. He accused me of not loading the dishwasher properly, he raged and raged at me in front of DD despite me asking him not to. DD was sat on my knee at the time but took herself off to her bedroom, returning with a £2 coin from her money box which she pressed firmly into my hand. I didn't take much notice at the time, just smiled and thanked her but the next day I returned the coin to her and asked her why she had given it to me, she told me she gave it to me so I could leave. That broke my heart and I knew then that for her sake I had to get away, that I wasn't able to protect her any more because he didn't care what he did to me in front of her. Seven weeks later I was out of there and we haven't looked back!

You have hit the nail on the head in your last paragraph Triton, you have said exactly what the CAFCASS officer said to me, that I should prepare myself for when DD hits puberty and has a mind of her own and starts to say "no" to him, she said that is when he will become abusive towards her, that he won't like not having control.

TimeForMeIsFree- that £2 coin just made me cry, how old was she?

That is when the more overt abuse started certainly. I know now that the seeds had been sown long, long before though - subtle but there. As a little girl I was the apple of his eye, his princess. It was however coercion, seduction even. I use that term because he seduced me into believing that he loved me, but it wasn't unconditional. As long as I adored him and gave him narcissistic supply by being good at things he had wanted to succeed in, then the contract was quite simple.

I broke the terms of that contract when I started to have a mind of my own. The rages, oh yes I remember the rages. The slip,slap of his slippers on our tiled kitchen floor, the football droning on in the background and I would hide away upstairs. The slightest thing would provoke him. A dropped plate, the clang of a pan would stir him violently from his dream world in which he was master of all into the reality he hated - a pathetic, insecure little bully who had been rendered powerless in his own childhood by an abusive father.

Then the verbal torrent would begin. There was no limit it seemed to what he would say to a vulnerable teenage girl. Then he would act relieved like he had ridded himself of some rather nasty emotional indigestion. There that is better, now don't be so sensitive crying and snivelling like that. Get over it.

These men are all essentailly woman haters and they turn sons into woman haters too.

For those of you whose children still have contact, I would never suggest stopping it but do be careful and wary of what these men will do and say to covet the power they seek to hide feelings of powerlessness that they are not even aware of

She was just 7yrs at the time exhausted but she is wise beyond her years, I think she has had to be. She hasn't shed a single tear since we left, she has been so strong and brave and that has made things a hundred times easier for me. I haven't doubted for one minute that I've done the right thing in leaving because DD is a changed child. She is amazing

'The loneliness in a terrible relationship is by far the loneliest you can ever be'

Says it all. Is the biggest burden to bear.

Pira - well done you for getting out.

Something else she did, which I recently discovered, was take photos of that incident using her DSi, she had photo's of me crying and him raging like an animal, she took so many photo's. I only came across them while trying to free up some memory for her and it made me feel sick to my stomach to see things through her eyes.

Triton The CAFCASS officer was very reluctant to give him any contact at all, she was worried about the effect he would have on DD. I felt a huge responsibility for her emotional wellbeing after that meeting, I was so scared of getting it wrong but DD is truly amazing and she recognises that her fathers behaviour is not right and not acceptable, she talks to me about it and I make sure that she understands as best I can in a way that is age appropriate. Thankfully I had a fantastic CAFFASS officer that gave me some good advice. At the moment she is quite cross because he won't allow her to choose her own clothes, he has to choose them for her

As for your comment that these men turn their sons into woman haters yes, I think you may be right. When I left my ex I also had to get away from my 18yr old son as he was being abusive towards me too. I love him but I do limit the contact I have with him as he isn't very pleasant to be around and that breaks my heart, I do feel responsible for how he has turned out and I hope to god that as he matures he realises that he needs to change.

just wanted to say its very nice too see people who've rebuilt my life after such abuse.hugs all

triton, my three-year-old DD has a lot of contact with her father. At the moment she is, as you said, the apple of his eye, but I am concerned about the longer term. If you have any advice on how I should take care of her in this situation, I would really welcome it.

TimeForMe, your dd sounds wonderful, and I'm sure she'll make good choices when it comes to her partners in the future.

Timeforme - the fact that you discuss this with your dd and confirm with her that her father's actions are not right will be hugely validating to her. This means she can see him but with clear eyes and trust in her own judgements. It is also hugely important that she has one parent who loves and treats her appropiately, it will buffer her father's behaviour. I did not have that as my adoptive mother was also a narcissistic and shallow woman who would do anything not to provoke my adoptive father. To this day she denies he did anything wrong and still maintains he was an excellent father and it was in my head

As a child this meant I blamed myself. I had no siblings or other family to bear witness to what I was suffering. Society was back then reluctant to really tackle the taboo (I am only talking about the eighties but I think things have changed). Your dd has her own mother behind her, she will be fine I am sure

I am sorry about your ds . It seems he may have been affected as he is older. However I presume you were living with him growing up? So he will still have had your influence and unconditional love. He is 18 it is a difficult time anyway. He should not have abused you but I hope as he matures he will realise what his father has done and come back to you.

Nickname - he is her father and contact cannot be stopped I know. At three she is so young and probably enjoys being the apple of his eye. Tbh as long as no direct emotional, physical or sexual abuse is happening then I think it is okay just to ride it out and just keep an eye on things

As I said in my last post the best thing you can do is give her the love and support of a mother who is there for her (which you have proved by leaving ex). As she grows, if any bad behaviour on his part materialises you validate it and give her the confidence and self belief to know what abusive behaviour looks like and how it is experienced. You after all have had first hand experience of it

It may be that their relationship suffers as she gets older. However if she has had a good enough mother she will get through life just fine .