Dh who has always said he loves and adores me has had a change of heart...

[confusedandbewildered]

And it's probably my fault.

Have been together 11 years, 2 dcs 4 and 18m mad passionate love between and lots of rows but deep enduring love.

He has been my absolute everything and best friend through so much.

Having the dc has wrecked us, I love them but since becoming pg 5 years ago by accident when suing contraception I have been angry, bitter, stressed, resentful and hateful. Dh has stuck by me mostly but tbh on some ocassions he's been a twat. He didn't cope with dd out 1st being born and although he's been a great Dad he's been spiteful, mean, childish and hostile to me. However despite all the awfulness I've always felt he still loves me completely and would do anything for me and our family.

Recently the rows have got worse mainly due to his clingyness and possessiveness and my disinterest in him, in sex with him and any kind of affection. I have treated him with contempt and critisised him relentlessly as the attention he seeks from me was almost sending me completely barmy.

Last week we had some time to ourselves much needed went for a bike ride and shopping together, had a laugh, usual warm affectionate vibe between us he was warm funny loving. then at the weekend we had the worst row ever and he withdrew from me completely.

He now says his feelings have changed, he's no longer as in love with me, he no longer adores me although he loves me still. He's been polite but distant and hasn't smiled, joked, or done any of the things he has always done that have reassured me of our closeness. He said he can't be as in love with me as I told him in an argument I thought my feelings have chnaged. they haven't but I've just been angry for so long I don't know my own feelings.

He won't talk to me about it but he hasn't shown me affection for days now and when i get upset just says coldly "I didn't mean to upset you". he says he's not punishing me but he needs some space to work out his feelings and doesn't want me pestering him and asking him questions.

He's been perfectly pleasant but almost too well mannered and there's a sense of sadness when we're together. He wants us to stay together as do I but not with a half hearted, limp insipid version of what we had before.

I am going to try to stop nagging and critisising he is trying to stop being so angry and clingy but I think I've lost him. I'm sick with anxiety about it all. He's away on a stag weekend now til Sunday. I'm terrified he'll come back worse, more distant and cold.

There's been so much horribleness I don't know if there's a way ack from it. He's completely different and I'm scared.

The only way you can move forward and rebuild your relationship is if you do it together. You both have destructive ways of arguing and resolving arguments. Throwing water at him during an argument is something you should have got out of your system (and grown up) before you had children. But that's fine. We all have our flaws. Likewise, it's just as bad that he bullies you to hurry up and do your shopping, as it is for you to accept that kind of behaviour and try to hurry around the shop. You are both, I believe, trapped in a bad cycle of behaviour and you need to change. He needs to accept that he needs to be part of what needs to change. I suspect he'll be highly resistant to going to counselling, but it's what you need.

Your bit above : "Last week we had some time to ourselves much needed went for a bike ride and shopping together, had a laugh, usual warm affectionate vibe between us he was warm funny loving. then at the weekend we had the worst row ever and he withdrew from me completely." also caught my eye. It's easy for couples to have a lovely time together and then - when the arguments start happening - to withdraw from eachother. He might be wondering why he should bother making the effort to be happy if it's all going to be so shortlived.

My partner and I have a history of having OTT arguments as we got together as teenagers and had to grow up together. You two need to go the same if you have a future together. You can't row like immature ars*holes in front of the children (or with them in earshot, or with them sensing the tension always) as it's just not fair and it's not good for any of you.

It sounds like you're both sick of the current situation and would both like to see it change. That's why you're both now talking about separation - as a means of escape. I suspect that with him you're going to have to be the bigger person and have the strength to initiate and insist on the changes that need to be made to the way the two of you communicate.

CAB,

Re this comment you made earlier:-

"We don't argue in front of the dcs anymore, if i see something escalating I'll try to calm it down, avoid it, anything to prevent him shouting".

You are modifying your behaviour around him and are probably doing that around him more often these days. And yes he is punishing you and continuing to do so as well for your so called transgressions. I would also say that he is doing this because he can; he holds most of the power within your relationship here.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?.

I'm going to buck the trend here and offer you sympathy.

I don't know what to suggest but you sound stretched to your maximum. It doesn't matter if you're doing what is seen as a normal load. You sound like pressure has well and truely moved over to stress and possibly depression.

This is very likely to be the cause of your arguments. Feeling pressured about your time away from DH and children will not help.

I think there are two issues here - your marriage and yourself.

I would suggest you consider getting acres to counselling to look into your stress. It doesn't matter if everyone else thinks you haven't got too much if a load because it sounds very much to ne that your load us too heavy for you. You need to be given tools to handle this, space to talk it through and support to walk out mending this situation.

If this strikes a chord then tell your husband and say you think you need to address this in order to strengthen your marriage. Hopefully he'll see things from a different light.

If thus doesn't strike a chord with you then feel free to ignore me x

Apologies for typos my phone insists on correcting me incorrectly. Hope it still makes sense

Thanks for all the posts,cabbageroses sorry if I was rude I appreciate the advice but when you said "get over it" I thought that was very rude. A lot of the rest of what you said made sense but also the going on about changing jobs, not an option right now. And the comment

"Your DH- please don't bandy labels like ASD about unless you know about them professionally- which you might. His behaviour may fall into that spectrum but he may simply be an arse."

I don't want to say exactly what I do but it's in mental health and I've taken part in numerous ASD assessments so I'm not using the label flippantly. It's something I've thought a lot about, carefully.

You'll find I have taken things on board, about counselling, about not wanting all the drama anymore. I don't love my job but I don't hate it, my colleagues are fantastic but we're all so stressed. One came into my office for a chat today and burst into tears because it's all so relentless .

I'm not naturally organised but I will try to be more so, meal plan etc. I'm fairly good with organising trips and holidays but not the bitty stuff, I need to get on top of it more, buy presents for parties in bulk rather than dashing out last minute to the expensive local toy shop.

I know I "only" work 3 days (8-6 actually work 3.5 squashed into 3) but I'm also doing a post grad qualification and on the 2 days "off" in the week I'm with both dcs, that's not "off". I know lots of women do this but tbh most i know have some space somewhere. I know SAHM with their dcs in nursery a day and a half or mums with dcs at school who work part time so have whole 6 hour chunks off. I do plan time for myself but it's all so frenetic it hardly seems relaxing pegging it into town to watch a play then pegging it back again.

Re me and dh I'm v ashamed of the way I've behaved, I've only done things like that when I've had PND but still not acceptable. But the nit picking at him seems to have become habitual and quite nasty. His controlling behavious has escalated since we had dc as I do want to do stuff and we can't always afford babysitters so I do it alone/with friends. We used to do everything together so I think he finds this hard but I encourage him to have hobbies too.

I'll admit i am v reluctant to downsize my career, my mum had a similar career and always worked, had status, but then again she was always stressed and irritable. I have thought about down grading, and i will do so more some more.

Lots of things to think about, thank you.

You sound absolutely at the end of your rope, and I am not surprised.

Unless your DH would consider taking over more childcare (no clue in your posts that that would be evn remotely a possibility!!), would it suit you better to employ f/t childcare and work f/t? A nanny can enable you to be very flexible, too.

I understand the feeling of being trapped - worse if you don't even feel secure in your job atm.

re your DH, he does sound very hard to live with. If you were feeling relaxed with plenty of capacity, that would be ne thing. But you aren't. If it is ASD then I doubt you can do anything. But you could try Relate. At least you could learn, between you, some other ways of expressing yourselves to each other.

Look very carefully at how you could manage, too, on your own. If you worked f/t. Remember he would need to contribute significantly to childcare costs. Even if you don't want to separate, knowing you COULD could be empowering and fee you of the trapped feeling. If you are reasonably senior in your job, could you really not manage, somehow?

Find a way to mentally and emoptionally put yorself somewhere else when your DH starts provoking you. Think of yourself, actually visualise it, as a cog in a gear NOT engaging. A cog that stays apart with a clear separation from the other moving cog. Still and calm as the other speeds up. Still, calm and separate. And calmly state your case and walk away. That is real assertiveness. Which may also hel you feel more empowered.

Thanks Blu I could manage financially if I was full time. But I don't mean to keep complaining part of the reason I feel a bit desperate is because all the jobs on my grade are now being advertised on a grade below (nhs cuts in full force) so there aren't that many about anymore and once you drop hours you can't get them back , they go towards "the deficit". As for the grade above which is what I was working towards with the post grad, they are rare to non existent these days.

Thanks for the visualisation I will try it. We are a bit "stuck" financially unless we downsize. We have a 3 bed semi but in a v desirable area, dh has a well paid job but it's on a rolling 3 month contract and he's permanently on edge about whether it's going to be renwewed every time. If we split I'd have to leave ad buy a smaller house in a different area. I could never afford this mortgage on my own. It makes me panicky.

confused- okay let's make up!
I am sorry to accuse you of not knowing anything-possibly- about ASD. I do as it's been part of my work over the years. I get a bit peed off with posters who use terms like AS and passive-aggressive etc when they don't really know anything about them.

On the otherhand it is unlikely that your DH has "become" ASD after the birth of your children- though the stress could have exacerbated a condition that was mild.

I know it's easy to say , but I think you would benefit from appraoching your issues on 2 levels- understanding your belief system ( ie do you have to do paid work to have status, do you have to subconsciously folllow in your mum's footsteps) as well as understanding who you are and what makes you tick.

The fact that your DH's job is not really secure creates alot of uncertainty- can he not look for other work?

One other point made by another poster is that you are allowing yourself to be bullied- and in doing so are colluding/condoning/perpetuating this behaviour of his.

Why? What consequences are you afraid of?
If a man told me to be back at x hour, I'd tell him to fuck off. Unless, we had agreed already so he could have his share of "child free" time.

Couples counselling is a must but you might also benefit from working through your own issues without him there.

It sounds to me as if you have been living with a crazymaker -- take a look at this site.

Please remember that the behaviour of a partner is their choice and their responsibility every time. It is not your choice or your responsibility. If someone chooses to abuse you, it is not your fault even if you are afraid to strike back.

I don't wish to sound harsh but you both sound like you need serious conselling to sort out your issues with each other, you don't sound much different to me, just have different 'touchpaper' so to speak.

I feel desperately sorry for all of you especially these poor children caught up in the middle of all this.