Dh who has always said he loves and adores me has had a change of heart...

[confusedandbewildered]

And it's probably my fault.

Have been together 11 years, 2 dcs 4 and 18m mad passionate love between and lots of rows but deep enduring love.

He has been my absolute everything and best friend through so much.

Having the dc has wrecked us, I love them but since becoming pg 5 years ago by accident when suing contraception I have been angry, bitter, stressed, resentful and hateful. Dh has stuck by me mostly but tbh on some ocassions he's been a twat. He didn't cope with dd out 1st being born and although he's been a great Dad he's been spiteful, mean, childish and hostile to me. However despite all the awfulness I've always felt he still loves me completely and would do anything for me and our family.

Recently the rows have got worse mainly due to his clingyness and possessiveness and my disinterest in him, in sex with him and any kind of affection. I have treated him with contempt and critisised him relentlessly as the attention he seeks from me was almost sending me completely barmy.

Last week we had some time to ourselves much needed went for a bike ride and shopping together, had a laugh, usual warm affectionate vibe between us he was warm funny loving. then at the weekend we had the worst row ever and he withdrew from me completely.

He now says his feelings have changed, he's no longer as in love with me, he no longer adores me although he loves me still. He's been polite but distant and hasn't smiled, joked, or done any of the things he has always done that have reassured me of our closeness. He said he can't be as in love with me as I told him in an argument I thought my feelings have chnaged. they haven't but I've just been angry for so long I don't know my own feelings.

He won't talk to me about it but he hasn't shown me affection for days now and when i get upset just says coldly "I didn't mean to upset you". he says he's not punishing me but he needs some space to work out his feelings and doesn't want me pestering him and asking him questions.

He's been perfectly pleasant but almost too well mannered and there's a sense of sadness when we're together. He wants us to stay together as do I but not with a half hearted, limp insipid version of what we had before.

I am going to try to stop nagging and critisising he is trying to stop being so angry and clingy but I think I've lost him. I'm sick with anxiety about it all. He's away on a stag weekend now til Sunday. I'm terrified he'll come back worse, more distant and cold.

There's been so much horribleness I don't know if there's a way ack from it. He's completely different and I'm scared.

What is it you are so angry and resentful about? About the DCs, about your DH?

You say he's been spiteful, mean, childish and hostile to you. You also say you have treated him with contempt and criticised him relentlessly. Which came first?

What was your row at the weekend about?

Do you think you could persuade him to go to counselling with you to talk it all through? It does sound like you both love each other somewhere underneath but there is a lot of bad feeling on both sides. It sounds like you need some outside help to get you both through this.

I am angry and resentful about childcare, having less money because of the effect on my career, being financially dependent on him and feeling v insecure about our relationship, the way he was with me when I was pg with dd and afetrwards when I had PND. I hated him for the lack of support and his hostility. I don't suit being a Mum sometimes, I feel trapped and bored. I miss my old life and us together like a physical pain. I miss what we had prior to dcs sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating.

The row at the weekend was because I'd planned to go hiking with some childless friends. Dh is v rigid in his thinking and thought I would be gone exactly 3 hours 10 til 1. I tried to gently tell him I couldn't dictate the groups timetable and it took an hour to drive to the peak district then an a 3 hour walk then an hour back. To top it all my friends turned up v late to pick me up. He just ranted and raved about it for hours and hours. Co-incidentally his scheduled 3 hour mountain bike ride on the Sunday turned into 7 hours but I didn't care. Since then he's completely shifted. he can't undertsnad why i'd so upset, last week when we went shopping he was as loving as he could be then this week so distant and removed, all because I went on a bloody walk.

I also sent him a horrible text saying I didn't know if I loved him as much because i couldn't stand his possessiveness. I was just being vile. I shouldn't have done it. Now he doesn't believe anything I say.

Your husband sounds like an abusive asshole, who has done a good job of making yourself think this is your fault

Get to marriage guidance quick, you don't mention what this is doing to your children have you even thought about what this is doing to them.

What is wrong with being a family enjoying your children together rather than trying to escape from them.

this man is a gaslighter

second emmys post....abusive.

Reading your second post I'd be inclined to agree with emmy. It sounds exhausting.

Sounds like he was horrid to you when you were pregnant and when you had PND. I would imagine that you might feel less trapped and suffocated if he was a decent supportive partner.

His reaction to you going hiking is just ludicrous. I think his reaction afterwards was to punish you for daring to go out for longer, then he stayed out longer the next day to 'show you'. The being distant afterwards sounds like a punishment for disobeying his rules. Does he overreact like this - ranting and raving - frequently?

I think his possessiveness would elicit a similar reaction to yours in most people. I don't think you were just being vile - you were reacting to his behaviour.

I would like to revise my first response and suggest that instead you go to counselling on your own to talk through your feelings.

Why are you resentful about childcare?

I'd say you need to a) work on yourself and b) work on your marriage.

If you are harbouring a lot of anger due to being at home, losing your career etc etc then you need to deal with that- either you accept the down sizing and loss of earnings, and start enjoying your kids, or you get some coaching/counselling to help you make changes . You can't keep taking out your anger at your DP and indirectly your kids.

Meanwhile your DP needs to grow up. he sounds like an emotional bully. How dare he dictate how long you can have out with friends? You both need to do some serious grown up talking.

Hi wasn't out and out horrible when I was pg with dd just crap. Went out and got pissed all the time, every single weekend. The tried to fawn all over me. he also went snowboarding twice. Once just after I realised I was pg and acutely shell shocked and once when dd was 4 months old, I was exhausted from f and had pnd. I just wanted him to stick around for me, my parents were ok but not great, I wanted the support.

I've done some terrible things in rages though, slapped him, thrown water over him usually when mid argument he's refused to speak to me, I've become so so angry since having dcs.

We try our best in front of them, ocassionally we shout but I usually back down as I don't want to upset them, if i feel upset I go out for some fresh air. It's hard to have a normal disagreement about anything, it just escalates. He thinks i have a go at him all the time, about housework, childcare, parenting. I am v v critical but he has no f**king common sense.

If you guys stay together you really need to find a better way to have fights.

I mean every so often a huge big row blows into town, but it sounds like you guys are constantly in hyper fight mode. It must be exhausting you both. And there is no way it's not coming across to your children.

OMG and your kids are caught up in the midst of this dysfunctional family.
Look- your DP sounds an arse but you don't come over much better TBH.

You need to get help. You sound resentful of your kids and all the work having a family entails. You seriously need to get yourself to family therapy or at least Relate.

You both sound like a pair of school kids having a scrap all the time.

Grow up and start taking your role as a parent seriosuly and start thinking about your kids not just yourselves.

I'm not a SAHM I work 3 days a week, do childcare for 2. But I don't earn enough to buy a house etc on my own if I needed to. I used to. I had my own flat then sold it when we bought a place together because we needed the equity. it makes me feel trapped.

I resent childcare because all I do is work in a caring profession do housework or look after pre schoolers and keep the house running. Someone always needs me, all the goddamn time. I do go out in the evening but the fallout is exhausting ie if I'm back 20 mins late or whatever. If i try to have an hour or so at the weekend is has to be planned with military precision and say i'm trying to buy clothes I end up charging round john lewis anxiously checking the time to make sure I'm not too late back

Are you actually listening to anything anyone is saying?

It's up to you to change your life. if you don'tlike your job then set about making plans to change it.

You had kids. They are yours for another 20 years at least so you need to get used to the idea.

And seriously think about leaving the man you are with- he is bad news. he is a controlling bully.

how old are you? you sound v young- as if you really were too young to have kids when you did and you are wanting to go back to the single life.

we don't argue in front of the dcs anymore, if i see something escalating I'll try to calm it down, avoid it, anything to prevent him shouting. We do have bickery type disagreements in front of them but I've seen far worse tbh. I've never done any of the things I listed below in front of the dcs. I "bottle" feeling resentful all day and it come out when I'm tired in the evening.

I know having dcs is hard work cabbageroses doesn't mean it isn't shit sometimes too. I don't mind the graft, I struggle with the trapped feeling.

I wasn't too young, I had too full a life, too many things I hadn't done I got pg when using contraception but I thought it would be ok as so many people did it and loved it and we had money a nice home, professionally I was doing well. The reality of being a parent coupled with horrendous PND floored me.

I'm fairly senior in a public sector role, there are cuts being made left right and centre we need the cash i bring in, i'll just go out and find something similar shall I? I do actually like and enjoy (as well as being good at) some aspects of my job it's the relentless never ending need. I have done a year as a SAHM and it was a lot easier than work and childcare but for various reasons i need to work.

OMG listen to yourself, you work part time, have issues with child care, have housework, your family needs you and you don't have time to shop.

I don't about the rest of you out there but isn't that your average mum's life in a nut shell.

You need counselling.

That will help you work out if you feel trapped because you are living with a bully, or because you have not come to terms with the limitations that motherhood imposes on us.

Maybe it would also help to make a list of what type of freedom you want. My Dh and I used to have 1 day a weekend each to do whatever we wanted. That was my bit of freedom- neither of us had parents nearby so I had childcare 24/7 for years and getting out at a weekend kept my sanity.

Some people are simply not suited to being parents. Can I ask why you went on to have the second child when you were so shocked by the first, and your dh's drinking and attitude the fist time?

You need to come to terms with what you have now- not how your life was.
Everyone has a choice. if you worked less then you might have to give up your nice house and downsize- then you could see more of your kids. If that is what you want.

You seem to want life pre -kids.
Not going to happen.

Get over it.

Fk off budgieshell I'm just not part of the martyr brigade that's all. I adore my dcs I don't neglect them we do loads together I don't want to say what my actual job is as it's too revealing but emotionally it's at the top end of the spectrum for demanding. even my supervisor said I'm going to get completely run ragged if I continue the way I am doing.

Re our 2nd dc our ds once the first year was over after having dd and I went back to work we had a period of calmness we went on holiday, spent time together as a family the rows diminished and I began to enjoy dd and wanted a sib for her and us. I got pg had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and exeprienced grief I didn't know existed. The only thing the resolved it was when i got pg again with ds. Sfter ds was born I had a lovely year mat leave a lot easier baby than dd happy to potter about at home with him and dd. the s**t seemed to hit the fan at xmas, went back to work in Oct.

I'll admit neither of us are great at dealing with stress and I am the sort of person who enjoys time on my own which I think I'm entitled to motherhood or not. there have been plenty of threads on here recently with people expressing their disillusion at having dcs and some even saying they wished they'd never had them. plenty of support there I've noticed.

I've made mistakes and not conducted myself brilliantly in this relationship but I want to make things better.

It isn't remotely normal for your husband to be dictating how long you spend out of the house, nor for you to have to rush and worry about being late :( My DH encourages me to go out more, arranges things for me, says "take as long as you like". because i'm not a possession or an employee.
Was your second DC planned?

Sorry, x-post.

I've obviously not put myself across very eloquently. I don't want life pre dcs. I want us to be happy as a family and for me and dh to have to warmth and affection we had pre dcs.

Honestly? I don't enjoy motherhood sometimes. Esp when I've been exhausted and depressed. I'm not depressed now, just sad and wanting to chnage things.