Dh who has always said he loves and adores me has had a change of heart...

[confusedandbewildered]

And it's probably my fault.

Have been together 11 years, 2 dcs 4 and 18m mad passionate love between and lots of rows but deep enduring love.

He has been my absolute everything and best friend through so much.

Having the dc has wrecked us, I love them but since becoming pg 5 years ago by accident when suing contraception I have been angry, bitter, stressed, resentful and hateful. Dh has stuck by me mostly but tbh on some ocassions he's been a twat. He didn't cope with dd out 1st being born and although he's been a great Dad he's been spiteful, mean, childish and hostile to me. However despite all the awfulness I've always felt he still loves me completely and would do anything for me and our family.

Recently the rows have got worse mainly due to his clingyness and possessiveness and my disinterest in him, in sex with him and any kind of affection. I have treated him with contempt and critisised him relentlessly as the attention he seeks from me was almost sending me completely barmy.

Last week we had some time to ourselves much needed went for a bike ride and shopping together, had a laugh, usual warm affectionate vibe between us he was warm funny loving. then at the weekend we had the worst row ever and he withdrew from me completely.

He now says his feelings have changed, he's no longer as in love with me, he no longer adores me although he loves me still. He's been polite but distant and hasn't smiled, joked, or done any of the things he has always done that have reassured me of our closeness. He said he can't be as in love with me as I told him in an argument I thought my feelings have chnaged. they haven't but I've just been angry for so long I don't know my own feelings.

He won't talk to me about it but he hasn't shown me affection for days now and when i get upset just says coldly "I didn't mean to upset you". he says he's not punishing me but he needs some space to work out his feelings and doesn't want me pestering him and asking him questions.

He's been perfectly pleasant but almost too well mannered and there's a sense of sadness when we're together. He wants us to stay together as do I but not with a half hearted, limp insipid version of what we had before.

I am going to try to stop nagging and critisising he is trying to stop being so angry and clingy but I think I've lost him. I'm sick with anxiety about it all. He's away on a stag weekend now til Sunday. I'm terrified he'll come back worse, more distant and cold.

There's been so much horribleness I don't know if there's a way ack from it. He's completely different and I'm scared.

confused I'm not standing in judgement on you. Lord knows I found the first year of ds's life utter torture! i mean, I hated evey second of it. The culture shock was enormous.

I think your post is coming accross about the kids when it's not really about them, more that your happy family unit is not what you envisaged. That is common. It can be worked on. What is not so common is this weird behaviour of your dh, timing you on days out. Christ, if you are as nasty to him as you say, why the hell is he trying to hurry you back home?

It doesn't make sense. You sound like a strong, assertive woman, so why are you rushing around John Lewis? What has happened here for him to rule this roost?

Sorry if you think you are not getting support. x

What would you like to do about the effect the combination of your job and childcare is having on you?

Would you prefer to work more?

Then your career wouldn't be on the back burner in the same way.

Does work fulfill you? Does it feel like your thing? If you had enough time at work to devote yourself to your job, would that help?

I think you are being manipulated. You hurt him and he wants to hurt you sooo much more. He is playing the indifferent card, because that really is the most hurtful thing to experience from a loved one. But obviously he doesn't feel indifference all of a sudden, that emotion creeps up over time and is not borne of anger over a period of a weekend. It is just a different turn in a long, bitter, prolonged argument that you are having.
I think he sounds one to be very wary of, and the relationship sounds dreadful frankly. You started off describing it in glowing terms but as you described it more you make it sound absolutely awful.

You definitely need to go and talk to someone. All this passion and high drama can't be good for the kids. And 'just' bickering is nasty to be around too.

You sound pretty weird, OP. I've no way of telling whether this is due to your current stress levels or not, but some of your language suggests you prefer a highly-coloured emotional life: lots of peaks & troughs, all or nothing, break-ups and make-ups? If so, the anaesthetic dark of depression must have been terrifying.

On reading your first post, I'll admit to having thought you two sounded as bad as each other - and bad for each other. Some of the things you added though, wrt to your husband's rigidity, are abnormal in a different way. Has he always been like this, or is it his reaction to things spiralling out of control? Such extreme aherence to timetable, if ongoing, does suggest some kind of mental disorder. Could be anything from an ASD to an anxiety syndrome to a personality disorder. How did he react to your requests for support during your down times? Did you show any responses other than anger & resentment?

Have you always loved so utterly, so adoringly? I'm afraid that makes it more likely you've wed an abuser.

Oh, and as someone said, you were out walking for over your allotted period (what the fuck is that about??) so he was punishing you the next day with the 7 hour cycling.

I just wanted to say that a lot of the replies to your post have been really harsh.

I can completely understand most of your points. What jumps out at me (after a couple of glasses of wine - excuse me if I'm picking this up wrong) is that you had difficulty adjusting to ,motherhood after an unplanned pregnancy (lots of people do, planned or otherwise) and that your partner, who you love, has been unsupportive since before your DD was born.

It sounds like you have stumbled along in this difficult time of pregnancy/babies with both of you finding it tough but believing you loved and adored each other and that you thought/were sure you would come out the other side. Now he has decided he doesn't feel the same way.

I don't want to alarm you but this is ringing a lot of bells with me and my H had an affair. I'm not suggesting that your H is having an affair but would suggest that you need to take this seriously and go to counselling. It's not just about him, you need to have your needs metsas a family and as a wife. It doesn't sound like that's the case. It's not just about you changing to make him happy. He needs to make you happy also.

I agree that you sound addicted to drama.

I also think you should re-think your job. If it is stressful and you don't deal with stress well- your words- why the hell are you in that job?

It sounds as if it gives you an ego boost to be doing an "important job"- but at the same time it sounds like you can't hack it.

Work-life balance is a cliche but yours is not working!

What do you want out of life?
Why don't you write down your ideal life if you had a magic wand- include the job, the hours, the time for you- everything.

I don't know who is exactly in the wrong here, although to me it does sound like both.

But I find it refreshing that you admit you're at fault as well as him, hopefully honesty will help, can both of you go to counselling?

garlicbutter it's true when i was younger i wanted the drama and grand passion but not now. I'm weary of it, I want something more enduring and sustainable. I have always have volatile relationsips but I realise they are not actually happy ones or compatible with a settled family life.

I used to love completely but I'm totally disillusioned by that now. I no longer believe in "the one" or "soulmates". I no longer think "love conquers all" it's bullshit. But i do want the absolute closeness we had when we were best friends.

Re support in the olden days (pre dcs) he was great, very kind, I had a brief period of having panic attacks in my early 20s and he was fantastic, he did relish the "daddy" role though, enjoyed being needed. After dd when bf and depressed i did ask him for help a few times and he helped me practically but not really emotionally. Never really comforted or consoled me, just the basics really.

I do think he has ASD traits with his rigidity and inflexible thinking definitely and his anger if things aren't exactly his way. Quite OCD like. He's also ill equipped to deal with the emotional aspects in a relationship, his mother is extremely immature and his father definitely has ASD. This has affected the way he is with me, his emotional cruelty and his lack of comprehension about why I get so upset.

Oh dear, confused :( Thank you for your insightful reply. If you were to read it from another poster, what would you think?

It sounds - again, only looking at a thumbnail sketch - as if you got together when you were foolishly romantic, dramatic, idealistic ... and he, perhaps, hoped that some of it would rub off on him? I think my ex did that - he was an abuser, but also markedly Asperger's. He wanted to "feel like people do" and mistakenly thought he could learn from me [hollow laughter].

You sound like a really bad match, my love. You're growing up and rounding out, emotionally, while he seems stuck in his black-and-white, rigidly-defined world of little feeling. Is he redeemable, so you think? Or is it just the way he's made?

cabbageroses please go and do one there's a love. I'm trying to get some decent advice and you're being remarkably one dimensional. I don't mind having stuff pointed out to me but your tone isn't helpful.

EVERYONE I work with is stressed to fuck. It's NHS we are existing in 50% clinical staff because of cuts, our referral rates have rocketed. We are all trying our damndest in difficult times to meet the needs of our (challenging) client group. People far more senior than me are struggling. Your leating on aout work life balance is inane. What do you suggest I go and earn a 3rd of what i do now working part time in Boots?! It's not an ego boost it's something I've worked bloody hard at and when i have suggested leaving and doing something less stressful to my colleagues they've begged me to stay BECAUSE I'M GOOD AT IT AND I HELP PEOPLE GET BETTER not as some sort of weird self aggrandising thing

Icandothis thank you very much for your kind post. the stuff you describe is something I've been concerned about. He's given up on coming out the other side. He is actually more needy and emotional than me these days, and I think my continued rejection has culminated in him withdrawing from me emotionally too.

garlicbutter I'm so sorry that happened to you, you are the voice of experience and thank you for your advice.

His reaction to what i would consider minor things is so petulant sometimes it drievs me mad e.g "sorry to say it again but could you possible not let all your empty beer cans pile up on the side as I'm getting a bit sick of the clutter and always having to take them out to recycling"

Response (shouted) "why don't you take them if it's so important to you, what are you always finding something to have a go at me about, anyway you do x y z yourself etc.etc."

so guess who just does stuff now to avoid the issue, then the "little" stuff does build up and huge resentment begins to breed.

Well, this is bonkers. Hate to ask what you don't want to answer - but would you be better able to handle the work stress if you didn't have the home stress? From what you're saying, this relationship is pretty limited in its capacity to improve your life.

Thanks for the empathy - let's just say I learned a lot!

Well he is away now on a stag do for 4 days and the dcs and me had a lovely eve just the 3 of us after I picked them up from nursery, very chilled. And bedtime went without a hitch too. I enjoyed being with them.

Usually when i come in from work I feel like my heads going to explode.

Agree with cabbageroses.
You are not a single person anymore. It sounds as though you get time to do your own thing - hiking and you have a part time job which many Mums hope for (don't know what the job is, just the part time hours). You may not have signed up to the martyr brigade, but having children and a happy family life does involve sacrificing things. Would you prefer to be single? Have a serious think about what you want. Be logical and see if you can have everything you want, or if not, what has to give.
Once you are on top of what you want, and hopefully that won't conflict with what your family needs you can start to be a loving and loved person. It sounds as if you don't love where you're at just now so it's hardly surprising DH isn't all that sure either.

I'm glad he's gone away we both need time out, although he hasn't text me. don't know if that's another "punishment", although if I try to point that out I'll get the cold "you're reading too much into this" denial.

Only read the first page, but on page 2 cabbageroses suggested writing things down, which is just what I was thinking!

I agree with harocare - be logical about what you want! "My husband to be a different person" isn't logical ...

Nice that you enjoyed this evening :) Would you rather most of your evenings were like this? Or not? Can you get some counselling with your job? Not couples counselling, just for you to sort your thoughts/feelings out.

Thanks for all the advice I think counselling may help, I've toyed with the idea previously but am now seriously considering it.

Bed now, up far too late for me!

I think your H sounds like hard work, if not downright emotionally abusive tbh.

He stops arguing in mid argument.
He demands that you get home from shopping or some outing bang on time.
He sulks and 'shows you' by taking a whole day himself.
He punishes you by withdrawing and giving you the silent treatment.
He is needy emotionally but doesn't give.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have time to yourself, imo. In fact, I think it's vital.

so your dh 'developed' ASD after your dd was born?
you describe his behaviour after dd was born in what you perceive to be typical ASD traits but say he was very different and very loving prior to children.
be real and address the issues in your relationship and life and dont look for a medical condition to blame
i hope that one day you can both think about your childrens needs and what your unhealthy relationship is doing to them
i dont agree with you being rude to a poster who was trying to help

confused
There is no need to be rude. I am not "your love". I am a woman in my mid 50s and i am actually trained in helping people with issues like yours.
I gave up time during my evening to try to help you.

Your outburst seemed to be another example of what goes on at home.

If I am being 1 dimensional then so are you- because you simply refuse to consider a career change. Or in fact take on board anything anyone says which is constructive.

You talk- but do you listen to anyone?

What I said was everyone always has a choice. You may not want the other options- but they are there.

I think you need to be honest with yourself. Is this about work, your DH or your inability to adjust to having people need you?

Work- you always have a choice. I don't get the sense that you love your job- and the fact that people say you do it well is not a reason for your to stay in it.

On the otherhand- 3 days a week is not full time- so why are you so resentful? You have more of your week not at work- 4 days. Where's the rub?

Your DH- please don't bandy labels like ASD about unless you know about them professionally- which you might. His behaviour may fall into that spectrum but he may simply be an arse.

The demands on your time- so com e on- what is it that you really want?

You have been good at saying what you don't want- but what do you want?

Is it more support at home?
More time for you so you do what you want to do?
Is it a job less stressful?
Is it - impossible now- life without the responsibility of kids?

cabbagerose, great post.

Was in this position after dc3 was born (we now have 4 all under 8yo), dh is certainly not an arse but his job sent him away from home for months at a time. Struggled to juggle everything, had a sense of loss of identity and I was unhappy with my job. I felt as though I was drowning under the weight of it all. My brother came to visit and I had a complete meltdown. I never felt resentment just felt I was useless and not worthy because I was not coping well. Brother was amazing, he was tough but honest - he told me I had a choice (echoed in cabbage's post). He emphasised that I had to realise that I could change everything and all I had to do was decide to do so. It really was that easy actually, once I decided that things had to change I set about looking at what those changes could/should be. Here are the five most important things that happened:

1. Gave up my job (this was tough as I have always been v independent), will start back when youngest dc goes to nursery.
2. Rallied the troops (ILs, parents, brothers) who helped when DH was not in the Uk (dh doesn't go away so much now and length is week or two at most)
3. dh really pulls his weight with regards to dc, cooking and other household responsibilities. We go out on a dates or have date nights in. On Valentines, for instance, dh took a day off work, dc1 and 2 at school and dc3 at nursery then at playdate with cousins and dc4 with my parents, so dh and I spent the whole day watching movies. Bliss.
4. have an arrangement when I have me time every week (no dc or dh) and I can pursue a couple of my hobbies. I also see my friends and have a girls w/e away once a year.
5. Became supremely organised - I live by my lists and I plan at least a week in advance. Of course there is always flexibility built in but I essentially know what the week should be like - food, activities, older dc's homework/projects.

I found it possible to achieve equilibrium but I had to stop being so resistant to change and something had to give (my job) and I had to ask for/accept help. I am no earth mother and I am really, really crap at some things but no one is perfect. And I do realise I am very lucky to have this extraodinary support.

Clearly you cannot go on like this because you sound utterly stressed, and your dc will pick up on the disharmony between you and your dh. Don't know what to say about your dh as his behaviour is truly unacceptable and horribly controlling. The immature way you deal with each other is shocking and I suggest you seek couple's counselling.

I hope you do find a solution to it all.

Thanks HW. I am glad that you found a way forward.

OP- maybe it would help you to understand that many women feel as you do. Someone else pointed that out. it's true for most women that we feel pulled in different directions and are on call to everyone 24/7. welcome to the world of juggling!

You need to prioritise:
is it work that you want?
status?
money? ( as much as you have and more- or less?)
More time for yourself?

I didn't get it right but for other reasons. I knew that I could not cope with my previously demanding career and be a mum. my DH was overseas a lot, no family around, and this was 25 yrs back when nurseries were few and far between.

I was a SAHM for a few years then began very p/t work far below my capabilities- though same kind of career.

I felt very frustrated and unhappy.

However, I knew I could not have the alternative- going out to work more in a more demanding role.

I was lucky that DH earned a good-ish salary, but he was often absent and i was living like a single parent a lot of the time. Our standard of living now is good but way below what it could have been if I had pursued my career full time, which would have meant we could easily have had a 2 nd home, flash cars, holidays abroad etc etc.

What I am saying to you is that most people have to make compromises if they have kids.

You need to work out what you want- and above all your DH needs to grow up- or get out of your life. he sounds toxic.