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Original poster

The KIND of affair -

73 replies

lostinthejungle · 31/03/2011 19:15

Here's another one for my affair-surviving friends on the board (and by surviving here I mean anyone that is still alive) - what's your take on the importance of the kind of affair, EA/PA/EA-PA?

I ask because I'm having some doubts after a first meeting with a marriage counsellor yesterday. H and I both really liked her and want to continue with her despite elevated cost. But I got to thinking last night about something she said - she asked my husband what kind of affair it was he had, romantic or purely sexual?

The answer is purely sexual (lasted about 5 weeks while I was away, finished before I returned because he was feeling crap about it). She said to me (before I explained the wider context to our relationship, for which I got a lot of sympathy) and said that well, a sexual affair is "just a scratch on the relationship". She wasn't saying that it was justified, or that I was stupid to feel terrible about it in the immediate aftermath. But I did take it a bit as "well this shouldn't be too difficult to get over". Bearing in mind also that I'm in South America where culturally quite accepted.

So I'm not only wondering about her as a counsellor, but more importantly about my reaction. It's true that the context for my husband's sex-only affair was a pretty awful one (supported him for the entire almost 11 years of our relationship, thus becoming resentful and cold with him), but if I leave aside the other factors for just one second, should my reaction to a purely sexual affair be softer than to one where there is real feeling involved?

I have thought on occasion how an EA would be easier in fact. I have slept with my husband a few times since discovery and end up feeling dirty afterwards because of where his "privates" have been. Using condoms (as we now have to) reminds me of how he used them with her. I am finding all that VERY hard to deal with. But I know so many say that an EA is much harder to deal with. Until you've been there, it's hard to know.

Anyway, appreciate your ideas here, thanks ladies!

OP posts:
Xales · 31/03/2011 19:20

I think if emotions are involved at least you know he isn't risking your relationship for a cheap fuck there is a little more to it.

If a cheap fuck is all it was to him that is what he thought your relationship was worth risking at the time.

My opinion anyway.

I hope that makes sense.

PeterAndreForPM · 31/03/2011 20:07

I would think very poorly of a man who risked his relationship for "just sex"

you can have "just sex" with anyone...what does that say about his view of your importance in his life ?

he ranks you lower than an easy shag

nice

you have supported him and this is how he repays you ?

I wouldn't have him in my house

I could go and find another cocklodger very, very easily

they are two a fucking penny

Original poster
lostinthejungle · 31/03/2011 20:13

Xales, it does make sense and I carry that with me like a millstone. His answer is that he was just massively depressed, which he was, and that there was no thought involved. He never even weighed the possible consequences. Something really bad had happened on the professional front and he gave in.

Obviously to me it is desperately hurtful that he never thought of me or our son until later in the whole process, but from what I read here that is not unusual.

Any other perspectives, same or different? Thanks again

OP posts:
sufficient · 31/03/2011 20:25

The absolute worst is the combination-affair- E and P. Statistically, that is the one that fewest couples recover from, and what my H had.

I don't know about the others, potentially equally fatal, if not dealt with properly. Definitely not "just a scratch" though, ffs. Angry Hmm

piratecat · 31/03/2011 20:30

i would think very hard about this womans comment, and how you truly feel about her suitability, if thats how she has described what your husband has done.

no wonder he likes her.

Leela2 · 31/03/2011 20:32

Do you think it was just sex, or there was more to it? Perhaps he misguidedly things he is sparing your feelings if he says it was only sex?

BertieBasset · 31/03/2011 20:33

Surely it isn't her place to tell you how serious the affair was to the relationship? She should be uncovering how serious it was to you and what can be done to get over it.

I don't think you have overeacted, and I don;t think anyone should minimise your feelings.

Original poster
lostinthejungle · 31/03/2011 20:37

Thanks, Peter, I see another interesting conversation coming up later. We have talked about all this over and over again, yet I still can't get my head around it. I have never been able to do anything without thinking through the consequences, it is just totally alien to me.

Anyone out there whose partner has had EA like to add their pennysworth?

OP posts:
Leela2 · 31/03/2011 20:46

I agree with BertieBasset, no one can tell you how you should feel about it, you feel how You feel, and no one should try to make you feel bad or wrong about the way you feel (if that makes any sense whatsoever) My ex had both the emotional and sexual affair, and tried to make it out to be all my fault, and for a while it was me trying to do all the work to fix it.

PeterAndreForPM · 31/03/2011 20:58

OP, how would your partner be reacting right now if you had done what he did ?

for "just sex"

think about that

lemonstartree · 31/03/2011 20:59

sorry, for me, either would be 'the end'. Full stop. I'm worth more than that.... but then (new) dp hasn't done that.... and I know how very much I love him...

I hope the decision remains theoretical

sorry this has happened to you :(

Original poster
lostinthejungle · 31/03/2011 21:07

Many thanks to all who have posted!

Yes, I agree with BertieBasset too that it isn't her place to say how I should feel about it. To be fair, though, she certainly didn't try to make me feel bad about my feelings though. I liked her as much as my husband did (if not more), just this comment started to niggle with me last night. It surprised me that she would say something like that without knowing the situation preceding the affair (and when I explained she seemed to be very supportive of me indeed, so of course fairly easy to like her!) I will discuss it with her straight out at the next appointment, which will be individual, and think very hard about her answer before continuing with her.

Leela2, I'm not sure anyone can answer this question but pls bear with me because I'm going to ask it anyway - do you think you would have felt any better (ultimately - not while he was blaming you) about your husband's affair if there had been no emotional element?

As to your question about whether he may be lying about the depth of it, it's possible but on balance I don't think so. He says he made it clear to her from the very beginning (and for what little it is worth she was the one who made the initial move - he gave in to it straight away) that he was married and would never leave his family (unless of course they found out and chucked him out, eh?) As I said above, he was depressed and in a highly vulnerable state (of that I have no doubt) and that he needed the physical affection (we had dysfunctional sex life, I was away and had also told him I didn't miss him). I was in a similar situation myself donkeys' years ago, so I can understand that dynamic, but then I wasn't in a relationship, with a beautiful child, was I? A reason, but no justification.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostinthejungle · 31/03/2011 21:14

Peter, you ask a very relevant question - how would he react? Well of course there's no way of knowing because I would NEVER BLEEDIN DO what he has done, but I suspect (and I had wanted him to read this thread but now not too sure because I'm about to be quite nice) that he might actually react the same way as I am reacting - only less face-slappingly vase-breakingly. Of course in his case the fact that I have supported him for so long is of relevance - not just financial and practical, but gratitudionally (?). But also despite his stupid and pathetic actions he's not the kind of man that would walk out on his child and I don't think it would kill his love for me either (other way round I'm not so sure how I feel).

No easy answers there then! lol

OP posts:
Leela2 · 31/03/2011 21:18

Hmmm tough question really. I think it would have been easier to deal with for myself if it had been just physical, but I would have thought him an even bigger shit for throwing everything away for a bit of fun. I was in a situation where I had had a nearly fatal miscarriage, was caught pregnant straight away and very scared and became agoraphobic. He had an affair with someone at work because ' she was bubbly and happy, not like you' So, I can understand (ish) the motive, but as you say, it is no excuse.

PeterAndreForPM · 31/03/2011 21:20

he is the "kind of man" who would shit on the mother of his child though, yes ?

and the fact that you "would never do it" is irrelevant

he has done it, and I don't know him, but doubt he would be posting on a support forum to find a way forward

how are you dealing with it, btw ?

you haven't actually said

Original poster
lostinthejungle · 31/03/2011 21:21

lemonstartree, I also hope very much it remains theoretical for you! But as others have said before on this board, what you are saying is exactly what I would have said 4 weeks and 2 days ago, and in fact that's what I told OW (aka BBB) when she kindly called to tell me all about the lovely time they had been having in my absence. But being confronted with the reality of it is massive, not least if you have children. (Should clarify I'm not talking about "staying for the children" but I am talking about making extraordinary efforts to salvage relationship with H because of DS, which is what I am tentatively trying to start to do right now.)

OP posts:
cloudybay24 · 31/03/2011 21:27

My DH had an EA.

The thing that pisses me off A LOT is that I knew her, they were friends at work, she was engaged, we went to her b'day party, she was at DH's 40th, she babysat for us. Gradually tho the thing shifted and at some point crossed the line. And I just bloody KNEW and I said to him and he denied that anything inappropriate was happening. I even said to him that since he was so senior to her he should watch himself. Therefore I feel that I know of watched the whole thing develop under my nose, and it sucks.

Having said that I know how easy it is for an email or text exchange to go a bit too far cos I have been in that situation.

As far as I know, the thing they had was conducted almost ebtirely via text and email and they kissed twice (does that make it a PA??). There was nothing lovey dovey, it was all a bit suggestive and childish.

Leela2 · 31/03/2011 21:29

Wow Lostinthejungle, what on earth did the OW hope to gain by spilling everything to you??

cabbageroses · 31/03/2011 21:31

funny really- a friend of mine said this week that if her Dh ever had an affair and it was just sex, she would not be at all bothered. She could overlook it.

I know I will be shot down for stereotyping and gendering and all that BUT I do think that more men than women can have "just sex".

They are a different breed and that's why women find it hard to believe when men say it was "just sex". I don't think men do think, TBH. They manage to convince themselves either a) they won't be caught b) it's worth the risk.

OP- the counsellor is not there to give her opinion. She is there to ask you "Is this just a scratch on the surface of your marriage?"

I think it might help you to aside all the 11 yrs of support you gave as a separate issue. If you ask yourself- if the affair had neve r happened would you still be resenting the support you gave? It's a bit like a parent saying to a wayward spoilt child "But we gave you everything!"

It might have been wrong for you to support him so much but you cannot use that as another stick to beat him with after the affair.

Original poster
lostinthejungle · 31/03/2011 21:34

Peter, he says he just didn't think about it, he was caught up in the "fog" and the "drug". This is something that I have heard on this forum and elsewhere. So I have to believe it's possible even though for me it's like trying to understand what's beyond the end of the universe (always had a problem with that one, better not to think about it, eh?).

As to whether he would post on a support forum, probably not because he has difficulties communicating (=reason for everything that has happened). But he's not a heartless SOB by any stretch of the imagination and he has spent a lot of time trawling this very forum and other websites I have showed to him to try and understand my reaction and the reasons that he did what he did. As I have said elsewhere, the one thing I can say is that he has done pretty much everything right since D-day (and he had ended the affair several weeks before then).

How am I dealing with it? My god, I've never felt so hurt in my entire life and I hope I never feel it ever again (in fact I would really like it if it could stop now). Maybe 2/3 of the time I feel like I am about to die. And the other third I just give into emotional/lack-of-sleep-driven exhaustion and normal conversation/activity takes over. Unfortunately for my husband I am not a submissive, relaxed, easily-forgiving woman.

Prize for the person who invents some way of unplugging my pain and slotting it into my husband to add to his (Be warned - I doubt he would survive).

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 31/03/2011 21:43

his difficulty communicating is the reason why he shagged another woman ?

that is priceless

I am sorry for your pain, I wish you the best

am I sorry for his pain ?

no

but you are...far too much

cabbageroses · 31/03/2011 21:46

I think you are missing the point PAFPM- she meant his poor communication skills were at the root of their relationship problems- not an excuse/reason for the affair.

PeterAndreForPM · 31/03/2011 21:47

CR...I was addressing the OP, thanks

cabbageroses · 31/03/2011 21:51

so?
Don't you like anyone else posting about something you have posted?

PeterAndreForPM · 31/03/2011 22:11

I wasn't posting for your benefit, CR

You have no need to address my posts personally

Why do you feel the need ?

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