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Original poster

I'm looking for advice re 1st date

70 replies

soverign21 · 31/03/2011 16:41

I have been chatting to a man on POF and we have arranged to meet at mine for coffee tomorrow lunchtime
Have organised DM to have DC for a few hours so we can meet but now i'm starting to panic
He seems really nice, single dad of 1 DS 15yrs (he has custody), he's a bouncer at a pub and i have made it very clear that when we meet tomorrow there will be NO SEX just coffee and biccies and a chance to see if we like each other in RL
But now i dont know what to talk about, what if we dont like each other, should i change where were meeting ect ect someone please give me advice i'm on the verge of calling the whole thing off
I want to meet him but am petrified of the unknown, this will be my first date in 11 years, i split with XP 10 months ago and i'm also worried about comparing him to X and suppose worried incase i can't move on from X Confused
I feel ready to dip my toe back in but not sure if it'll work, all my insercurities are starting to surface HELP!!

OP posts:
JaquiChanFeelsBlue · 31/03/2011 16:44

First rule of internet dating - MEET SOMEWHERE PUBLIC NOT YOUR HOME!!!!!

perfumedlife · 31/03/2011 16:45

What is POF?

No way would I allow him to come to my home for the first meeting. Why on earth are you even thinking that? Apart from a safely aspect, how drudgery and boring. Get him to take you somewhere nice, have the coffee served!

BooBooGlass · 31/03/2011 16:46

WHat on earth are you doing giving a stranger your address? HAve you no common sense?
Cancel the date and meet somewhere public. And for goodness sake don't invite him back.

madonnawhore · 31/03/2011 16:49

Number one rule of internet dating: Don't meet him at your house!

BooBooGlass · 31/03/2011 16:51

I've reread your OP> WHen I met my dp (also from POF) we already hd a good feel for each other so to speak, I wasn;t worried what we would talk about. And the very fact that you've had to outline that there will be no sex makes you the most naive woman on the planet to still go through with the date AT YOUR HOUSE and him the worlds biggest wanker for even suggestign it.

Original poster
soverign21 · 31/03/2011 16:52

I haven't give him my address, am not that silly (thank god) but this is why i'm thinking of changing venue, don't want to be too paranoid but it was a spur of the moment agreement for him to come to mine and now i have had time to think i'm regretting it

Perfumedlife, POF is plentyoffish.com

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 31/03/2011 16:53

Who suggested your house?

Original poster
soverign21 · 31/03/2011 16:55

There was no mention of sex from him, i have had plenty of people message me that are only looking for sex and i wanted to make sure that we werent both wasting our time if that was all he was interested in so i laid it on the line, in fairness he was very taken aback that i thought that's what he was after

We have a good rapport but meeting in person is different, i tend to clam up sometimes and am worried that the same thing will happen and we'll just be sat in awkward silence

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 31/03/2011 16:57

So you're the one who said no sex, and yet suggested your house? Tbh I think you need to be a bit more savvy to do internet dating right. He may well be thinking he's in. And yes, women shoudl be free to invite whoever they liek to their homes. But not a stranger. And certainly not a man who I presume is considerably bigger and stronger than you

Original poster
soverign21 · 31/03/2011 16:58

he said he'd have to pop round for a cuppa sometime and i said ok, then when we arranged to meet he just assumed that he would come here for a cuppa and i didn't say no

Am very new to online dating, dating in general to be fair was with XP for 11 years so am not sure how these things work IYSWIM

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 31/03/2011 16:59

He should have said no. I am shocked at your naivety. Have you really not told him your address already? The date is tomorrow.

Original poster
soverign21 · 31/03/2011 17:03

Nope told him i would call him tomorrow with the addess, all he knows is the town i live in, that's it

And i think your right about being naive, if we decide not to date then i think i will give on line dating a big miss in future, have never done it before and thought i'd try also stereotype away, he is much bigger than me

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 31/03/2011 17:13

So call him and ask him what time he plans to come over and then say there is a lovely coffee shop etc. If he says oh don't worry I'll come to yours just say no, that's actually not convenient (your mum could be looking after DC there or anything).

Don't meet at your house. Don't judge internet dating just on this experience. But do get a bit more savvy.

perfumedlife · 31/03/2011 17:14

There's nothing wrong with online dating, but plenty wrong with a guy inviting himself round to yours for a 'cuppa' as a first date. One, it's way too familiar, and could be dangerous. Two, it is god damn lazy and shows he is hardly trying to impress you.

Punch higher than this. Expect to be taken out, or met somewhere nice. Give yourself a reason to look forward to dressing up a little and leaving the domestic behind.
What happened to wine bars and dinner? Am I over the hill at 44?

BitOfFun · 31/03/2011 17:16

DO NOT meet at your home under any circumstances.

zikes · 31/03/2011 17:21

Arrange to meet elsewhere, somewhere public, somewhere you can do a bunk from easily if he's not what you expect Grin. Let your mum/friends know where you're meeting and when you expect to be back, and let them know if you're over-running.

And then have a good time. Grin

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 31/03/2011 17:26

DOn't meet this bloke at all. He's either as ridiculously naive about internet dating as you are, or he's a predator, and probably the latter.
A sensible man who has, like, read the instructions on a dating website wouldn't dream of inviting himself to a woman's home for the first date. And one of the biggest red flags going is men who tell you not to be so paranoid when you don't know them. It's reasonable not to want to invite a strange man into your house.

anothermum92 · 31/03/2011 17:28

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EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 31/03/2011 17:30

Internet dating is fine, but you need to be careful.

Weed out the obvious 'just want a shag' types.

Don't ever give out your address.

Talk on the phone first.

Always meet in a public place

Tell a friend who you're meeting and have them call you 1hr after you're due to meet - it gives you an out if you need it.

Even if they seem lovely, don't accept a lift home or share a taxi.

The advice given on here by those who have used dating sites tends to be that if you are serious about wanting to meet someone then the free sites aren't the easiest way to do it- they're more likely to be serious about meeting someone if they've paid to join a site.

FourFortyFour · 31/03/2011 17:31

I agree with SGB.

I met my husband after exchanging letters and phone calls and my best friend told me not to take him back to mine even if I really liked him. It was sound advice. By the time he came to mine for dinner I knew he was a gentleman and I was safe.

emmymoomoo · 31/03/2011 17:31

NEVER EVER say you'll meet at your house. Avoid a man who suggests this as well. It's not the done thing.

Original poster
soverign21 · 31/03/2011 17:32

Will definately change venue, will tell him mum having DC here, have told mum and friends to contact me during date to make sure i'm ok(just via text), am meeting at 12.30 and have to pick DS1 up from school at 3.15 so that's my time scale

I think most of my panic and anxiety is because it's been so long since i met someone new, never thought i'd be doing this again, not sure these types of dates are for me too many what if's, i've always met men through friends but that was a long time ago, maybe it's not the done thing anymore :)

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 31/03/2011 17:33

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anothermum92 · 31/03/2011 17:35

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Original poster
soverign21 · 31/03/2011 17:41

i feel really confident when i'm talking to him but it's the thought of meeting in person

Have called him and he's fine with meeting elsewhere, he said he was worrying a little about coming to my house too, seems like a good sign :)

OP posts: