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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm looking for advice re 1st date

70 replies

soverign21 · 31/03/2011 16:41

I have been chatting to a man on POF and we have arranged to meet at mine for coffee tomorrow lunchtime
Have organised DM to have DC for a few hours so we can meet but now i'm starting to panic
He seems really nice, single dad of 1 DS 15yrs (he has custody), he's a bouncer at a pub and i have made it very clear that when we meet tomorrow there will be NO SEX just coffee and biccies and a chance to see if we like each other in RL
But now i dont know what to talk about, what if we dont like each other, should i change where were meeting ect ect someone please give me advice i'm on the verge of calling the whole thing off
I want to meet him but am petrified of the unknown, this will be my first date in 11 years, i split with XP 10 months ago and i'm also worried about comparing him to X and suppose worried incase i can't move on from X Confused
I feel ready to dip my toe back in but not sure if it'll work, all my insercurities are starting to surface HELP!!

OP posts:
EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 31/03/2011 17:42

If you're feeling anxious could you talk to friends about it and have them throw parties- BBQs with summer on the horizon- and invite their single friends? It would mean that you could meet new people without feeling under pressure or 'set-up'. It might help give you the confidence to ease back into dating, even if nothing comes of it.

zikes · 31/03/2011 18:57

One thing, and it's a stereotype and is not true of every bouncer, but a lot of the ones I know have been 'players' and rather promiscuous. A lot of opportunity and opportunistic.

cabbageroses · 31/03/2011 19:24

Most decent dating sites have a sectionwhich advises youhow tokeep safe when using dating sites- eg Match.com has this.

The first thing they point out is that you should never meet at your home. FGS- my brother does internet dating and a few women he has met have never given out their address even after a few dates.

POF is free yes?

I am not saying all free sites are rubbish, but TBH if people have to pay you tend to get a slightly more discerning type of person on them, including guys who are not always looking for a free quick shag or who have a wife back home.

Given that a bouncer is going to be pretty strong physically you were mad to even think of asking him to your home, and letting him know where you live.

Please wise-up on the rules of internet dating for your own safety.

macdoodle · 31/03/2011 19:32

Dear god, you told him your children wouldnt be there, and then you invited him alone to your house. You've never met him, he's a bouncer (sorry yes judgy stereotypes), you are absolutely mad.

cabbageroses · 31/03/2011 19:44

I feel it's worth adding that most decent men expect a woman to be cagey about where she lives etc.

My brother - who uses Match and Muddy Matches- is always very surprised at the few women who seem unaware of personal safety. For instance, he sometimes asks new women to go dog walking or for a coffee. He has never offered to pick them up in his car as he realises that no sane woman would get into a car with a stranger she had never met.

You need to read the rules on personal safety.

1 do not give your home address
2 do not give your home phone no.
3 try to have a dedicated mobile for internet dating if you can.
4 never ever meet a guy in your own home
5 always meet in a public place ideally in daytime.
6 have enough money for a taxi/bus home
7 do not drink so much that your judgement is impaired or you cannot drive yourself home
8 tell at least one friend where you are going and what time you will be home
9 get a friend to call you while on the date so if the date is a disaster you can say she called re. an emergency and you have to go home now.
10 be wary of any date who after a while will not tell you where he lives, lets you meet his friends, or says he has no landline- all 3 mean he is married.

Original poster
soverign21 · 31/03/2011 19:53

Cabbageroses, clearly you have not read all my post's, i have NOT given him my address, just the town i live in

Zikes, i too know a lot of bouncers and i know what they can be like which is why i laid it on the line from the off that there would be no sex

Macdoodle, we havent had the date yet and yes i told him my DC wouldnt be here, if i put myself at risk by meeting someone i dont know i'm going to make damn sure that they know they will never get anwhere near my children just incase they are unsavoury characters, i might have forgotten to take my safety into consideration briefly but i would never forget theirs which was at the forefront of my mind

elnp, i have talked to friends but they all claim to not know anyone single (they are all in relationships) so it came to a deadend

As i have pointed out numerous times i am new to dating/online dating and have not been on a date as of yet, comments about me being mad are not what i came asking for, i was asking for advice on my situation

Due to the advice given i have changed the venue of the date, havent given him my address and am making sure people check on me and i will be in a public place so safe
Now the question is what type of things do we talk about? what are no go areas ect any advice on that will be very much appreciated and i appreciate all the advice given so far too

OP posts:
cabbageroses · 31/03/2011 19:57

Don't get all shirty- you were a tiny step away from giving him your address as you had agreed he could come round- and you were mad enough to think that a first date constituted no more effort than a cuppa, biccies and a message from you that sex was not offered. FGS.

Even by mentioning no sex shows that you were lowering the bar right from the first date.

Original poster
soverign21 · 31/03/2011 19:59

X-post I have been cagey about where i live and from you list i have done 1,2&3 intend to do 4,5,6,7,(meeting for coffee) & 8 and will definately be looking for the signs of no 10

I am very thankful that people have been concerned for my safety and have pointed me back in the right direction, being my first time i think i got myself in a bit of a tizz which is unlike me as i am usually very on the ball with these type of things, more than a little paranoid sometimes tbh

OP posts:
cabbageroses · 31/03/2011 20:02

I don't think you need advice on what to talk about! If it's hard work, then maybe give him another chance, but if it's still hard work, leave it.

Have you not chatted by phone at all?

Most people try at least a couple of phone calls first to see if they click- though of course not everyone is great on the phone- some men see it purely as a means to make arrangements, not chat.

As a rule, don't talk about your ex's and what went wrong. be interested in him and ask questions but not as if you are MI5.

Pay attention to what he says - if he talks all about him- yaaaaaaaaawn- maybe he is just too into himself.

Original poster
soverign21 · 31/03/2011 20:11

Thank you and i wasnt trying to be shirty, we have talked on the phone but like you say he's not that great on the phone, brilliant in messages but then thats easy

Figured the X thing was no go, wasnt sure if to ask how he came to be a single parent or not and i can sometimes seem like MI5, even friends have commented on that Confused

will have to reign it in and see how it goes just hope i dont seem boring, it's all so nerve wracking at least through friends you have a heads up on them and usually already know what common ground you have

OP posts:
crystalglasses · 31/03/2011 20:11

Remember the burden knowing what to talk about is on his shoulders as well so don't worry if you dry up. If you both run out of things to say maybe it's a sign that he's not the one for you and you should just say to him that the dates isn't working out but thanks for the coffee.

zikes · 31/03/2011 20:21

Didn't mean to teach granny to suck eggs about bouncers Brew.

Talk about films, music, all sorts.

Original poster
soverign21 · 31/03/2011 20:23

thanks Zikes, i used to be a barmaid so bouncers are well known and certainly don't scare me, as big as they are they all go down with a kick to the balls Wink

OP posts:
crystalglasses · 31/03/2011 20:35

~Well sovereign - 'they all go down with a kick to the balls'

you sound as if you can take care of yourself! Grin

G1nger · 31/03/2011 20:41

I think you sound apprehensive about meeting this man at all. How right am I?

adamschic · 31/03/2011 20:47

Glad you are not meeting him at your home. Never do that until you have got to know someone. I always think that if you struggle with conversation it's probably best to move on.

I've met a few people on internet dates. I don't rate it and would love to meet someone in a more natural way. Works for some though.

Original poster
soverign21 · 31/03/2011 21:07

It's not that i'm apprehensive about meeting him G1nger, i'm just apprehensive about meeting any man

I was with my X 11 yrs and have been apart from him 10 months, it's just a scary thing to get back into, i'm 31 now with 4DC, i'm not the person i was when i met him at 19 and it's not just me i need to consider anymore it's my DC too, i just worry that if i make a mistake in choosing a partner it could be catastrophic for them iyswim, i am just worrying about things that dont need to be worried about at the moment

I feel ready to get back out there, for me but god it is scary Confused

OP posts:
G1nger · 31/03/2011 21:09

Pre-planned questions. It's like what I did to overcome my shyness - I planned ahead a collection of useful "starter" questions that I could draw upon if I got stuck for something to say. I agree that it must be absolutely terrifying to be "getting back in the game" of dating, but you're both there for a reason and you'll both be making an effort. Good luck :)

malinkey · 31/03/2011 21:17

I would be wary of meeting any man I didn't know who 'assumed' he would come round to my place for a first date and didn't really seem to want to take no for an answer.

I know you have since rearranged the venue, but if you do still go ahead and meet him, listen to your instinct. If he makes any more of those sort of 'assumptions' about things or if he says anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or brushes aside your comments if you disagree or if he basically doesn't listen to you then he's not a nice person.

AKissIsNotAContract · 31/03/2011 21:24

I met my DP on POF but had to go through several shit first dates first. It's pretty unlikely that the first guy you meet will be the right one so just use the date as practice. When you do meet the right man you won't have to worry about conversation flowing.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 31/03/2011 22:03

Just remember that you don't owe this man anything. And if he is obnoxious or rude to you, just get up and walk out and block any further contact with him.
He may be a perfectly nice man and you may have a lovely time and go on to date him again and even shag him at some point. But he may not be. Just remember that you are under no obligation to 'give him a chance' if he's boring, or smells funny, or does something that makes you feel uncomfortable.

cabbageroses · 31/03/2011 22:11

lol- she's not under any obligation but most of us need/want/deserve a 2nd chance if we are nervous at a first date etc.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 03/04/2011 10:43

Cabbageroses: it depends how a person behaves, even if it is nervousness. If someone is agressive, or drinks so much they shit their pants, or is just really really boring, it is not the job of a near stranger to forgive them and look after them if said stranger doesn't feel any inclination to do so.

cabbageroses · 03/04/2011 10:52

Crikey- you must have had some odd first dates- or have a good imagination. maybe you could add to the list "Or takes a gun to your head and demands you hand over all your money"

I think we are splitting hairs- don't you? :)

flimflammery · 03/04/2011 10:58

now this has been bumped...
Soverign: how did it go???