I'm looking for advice re 1st date

[soverign21]

I have been chatting to a man on POF and we have arranged to meet at mine for coffee tomorrow lunchtime
Have organised DM to have DC for a few hours so we can meet but now i'm starting to panic
He seems really nice, single dad of 1 DS 15yrs (he has custody), he's a bouncer at a pub and i have made it very clear that when we meet tomorrow there will be NO SEX just coffee and biccies and a chance to see if we like each other in RL
But now i dont know what to talk about, what if we dont like each other, should i change where were meeting ect ect someone please give me advice i'm on the verge of calling the whole thing off
I want to meet him but am petrified of the unknown, this will be my first date in 11 years, i split with XP 10 months ago and i'm also worried about comparing him to X and suppose worried incase i can't move on from X
I feel ready to dip my toe back in but not sure if it'll work, all my insercurities are starting to surface HELP!!

Cabbage roses: a good friend of mine shat herself on a first date!

poor thing- tummy bug?

Just found this Sov , how did it go ?

funnily enough i had to cancel because of a tummy bug, wonder if it was brought on by nerves, have rescheduled for this friday

He was very understanding and we have been chatting loads since then too

Yes! In a small restaurant with only one toilet. He was very nice when she said she had to leave urgently, he put her into a taxi with shit running into her tights!

Cabbageroses: there is a lot of cultural pressure on women to be nice to men, which includes accepting dates and attention they don't really want. Some men take advantage of the fact that a lot of women feel they can't simply refuse attention, to hurt women . There have been one or two threads on here, for instance , from women who have had abusive relationships, stating that the man in question decided that the woman was his girlfriend, and though she wasn't all that keen, his persistence combined with cultural pressure from friends and family to 'give him a change/you don't want to be single all your life' etc meant that the woman found herself in an abusive relationship when she would not have had to suffer the abuse if she'd listened to her own instincts and told the man to fuck off at the beginning. Ther e are also incidences of rapists expending time and effort to convince the woman that they are harmless and not a rapist and then going on to rape her.

I'm not saying that the OP's particular date is necessarily a rapist or an abuser, just that it's as well for all women to remember, when dating, that's it's Perfectly OK to tell a pushy man to go fuck himself, and there isn;t anything wrong with just cutting contact with someone after one date, if you don't want to pursue the relationship. You only have to be rude if a poolite firm refusal is ignored.

Apart from the safety aspects this sounded very un romantic -"popping round for a cuppa" !! Coffee meets in the lounge of a smart hotel can be good - easy to relax, lots of space, not being overheard. I'd expect to be asked to meet in a wine bar with the option of moving on for lunch somewhere. I'd also suggest checking the person out on 192.com to check id, age, location etc. if it looks as if it is going anywhere.

I think internet dating on the whole is really unromantic. You can talk for hours on MSN and even the phone and still feel nowt or even worse creeped out when you meet in person. I know it works for some.

Adamschic: And a man can be hugely, sweep-you-off-your-feet romantic at the beginning and six months down the line be kicking the shit out of you. OTT romance is one of the red flags of an abuser.

SGB that might be true in some cases, and it has happened to me, (the OTT followed by controlling behaviour) but I would like to think that it's not always the case.

Rather than looking for a relationship by scouring the internet I would prefer to meet someone by chance that makes me want a relationship with that person IYSWIM.

SGB I don't recognise the scenario you paint. Sorry.

You often seem to give similar examples of women. I think it's a gross over generalisation- borne out of experience by you- or just more cant?

Despite being apparently keen to promote sisterhood, you seem at the same time to believe that most women are not as savvy as you- and need help ( aka patronising?)

Adamschic: Of course it's not always the case that a romantic man is going to turn into an abuser. However, if a man is OTT romantic and the woman feels uncomfortable with it, this is sometimes a warning sign that there is something unhealthy happening.
Cabbageroses: there are shitloads of cases described in threads on here of women who have become involved with abusive men because everyone around them and vast amounts of propaganda in mass media encouraged them to 'give the man a chance' and overlook worrying behaviour. Because women are encouraged to be nice to men and please them. Of course not all men are rapists and abusers, but rather a lot are, and it's important to keep reminding women that if you feel uncomfortable around a man, if you don't want him to make romantic gestures towards you, or to spend time in his company, it's OK to tell him to fuck off.

SGB I think your rant is completely off the wall WRT to original post.

You are utterly OTT saying that a lot of men are rapists and abusers.

Some are- and this forum represents a lot of unhappiness women feel- people don't post here about how happy they are. But I do not agree that many men are how you describe.

I also do not recognise the scenario you talk about. 70% of divorces are filed by women, so contrary to your opinion that women sit and suffer, the reverse it true.

OP- the simple fact is if you do not like the guy then you do not have to see him again. On the other hand, first dates can be nerve-wracking. If you think he - or you- has fluffed it with nerves, and want to try a 2nd or 3rd date to see how you feel, then do that.

If you don't feel it's worth pursuing, I think it's polite to say so by text or email- say you ar sorry but you don't want to take it further.

My brither who is late 40s does internet dating and he always appreciates receiving/sends a text saying "Nice to meet you, but don't want to take it any further." better than promising to keep in touch and not doing so.

Do you not think that the best way to approach any new relationship, whether it is going to be a friendship/romance/most amazing sex ever (can always live in hope :) ) is with a completely open mind? I don't see why you feel the need to have made it clear that sex is not on the cards - surely no-one would automatically assume that would happen? Completely agree about meeting in a public place. Why not do something like go to a fun-fair or bowling or even a walk somewhere? That takes the pressure off sitting looking at someone - the whole 'date' thing is so contrived as though you can sit across a table and magic up all sorts of emotions. If you do something together you can have a laugh and there is no pressure - you also get to see how he reacts in different situations and with different people. Just an idea!

I've been in a relationship for years but I know that if I was single I would hate to do that traditional 'dating' stuff. There is so much pressure and you feel you are being sized up. Just think it's better to view it as a potential friendship (if lucky) and maybe more (if very lucky).

Good luck!

Cabbageroses: the fact that it's not happened to you means you are either very lucky, have excellent radar (ie you don't accept a date or even get stuck in conversation with a man you don't like the look of) or you've been out of the dating game for a long time.
It does't mean that it doesn;t happen to other people. Have you ever been conned or at least thoroughly annoyed by a persistant salesperson?

It does happen , its happened to me and its happened to my freinds . Its also happened to my teen who gets called tight and told not to be a bitch if she politeley declines dates . Shes meant to give him a chance " cos he really likes her " . How she feels about it is largeley unimportant.

Normal men do happily accept that a woman doesnt want further dates but a lot dont . " What have i done " ect and lots of emotional blackmail follow while the womans freinds tell her she could do worse and to just give him a chance , ive seen many a thread where women want to get rid of some hanger on but dont feel they can because theres not a good enough reason , or where he just wont accept it.

I agree that all the men I've met who declare love from the beginning and go over the top are wankers and one turned out to be controlling and abusive, I got rid of him asap. Some of my friends are in full on from the beginning relationships atm so I wouldn't like to think that all men are like this.

I prefer my boyfriends to strike a happy balance in the beginning and let me dictate the pace as I like my freedom and am usually put off by men who don't give me space.

Just realised that I advised my DD to give her very first bf a chance even though she thought he was boring, because he was arranging nice days out for them etc. She didn't take my advice, thankfully.

SGB- I was not talking about me- though if iwere then I'd have to say that although i used to have dates with men who were not my cup of tea, they were never abusive.

I'ts nothing to do with how long you have been in or out of the dating scene. it is everything to do with how you handle other people.

I don't recognise the scenario you depict and neither would my friends aged 40-60 who do internet dating.

it is actually incredibly easy to tell a man you don't want to see him if you don't. It's not the man who has the issue- if anything it's women who have no self esteem or confidence to say what they want.

Cabbageroses: read the two posts above. Not all women have enough self-esteem and self-confidence to be able to resist social pressure, which is why I post a lot to tell women that it's not compulsory to be nice to men they don't like or don't want to spend time with. Some women are never told this: instea they are told that being single is shameful that men are lazy or selfish of sex-mad but hey, that;s just the way men are and women must put up with it... etc.

I just would not have guy round to my house or go to his till I had met him outside at least TWICE. I know lots of women who do dating and this is what they advise. Even if he were safe getting on your own with him for along period at the early stage can so easily lead to sex when you might not want it.What if he does not want to leave? etc etc Keep the first meeting short, set a time say an hour You can make another date if things go well and take it from there