Can I still be expected to go a 'friends' wedding after this?

[Roseflower]

I have had a group of 4 friends that we have all know each other for over 10 years.

Last year I got married and explained to the group I could not afford everyone as a bridesmaid and would have my sister and my best friend (from a seperate walk off life).

Last minute I did ask one of the girls from the group as we had always been a lot closer and she goes out her way to help me and has been the only one to pay any interest in dc at all.I knew it meant a lot to her.

Now another 'friend' from the group is getting married in a month. I am pregnant and told her about 2 months ago as I am getting really bad morning sickness and could not attend her hen do as it was some full on drinking and clubbing session. She was fine about it.

However She has since ignored all my messages but I saw her online last and explained how sick I was for past 2 months and how I had an awful weekend as had bleeding with baby.

She turned the conversation to her wedding and cheerfully told me how everyone in that group is her bridesmaid.Except me.

She thought it was fine as I hadn't asked her but I explained that I hadnt asked everyone, but one person from that group as I couldnt bear hurting 1 person by leaving them out. She then ignored me and I not heard a word since.

I feel awful. I been housebound for 2 months with awful sickness and not barely a text from anyone in that group let alone anyone visiting me. Instead they have all been meeting up together for months to plan the wedding together.

It is humiliating. I had no idea all this time, no-one thought to tell me. Though I found it odd I was the only one out of the group to get a mass facebook invite.

I cannot believe when I am having a hard time not only do I get no support but it seems I am also kicked futher. I was terrified I was going to lose my baby at the weekend and now this. I feel so depressed.

I wasnt sure I could make it with my sickness but now how I be expected to sit there the only one not a bridesmaid, completly sidelined.

Can I really be expected to attend this wedding?

Look you're going through an awful time but the reality is that while you've been off sick and unavailable they have been planning being bridesmaids.

Of course you should go to the wedding as a guest if you feel up to it. It's really hard to be left out but try not to see it as that - you have just drifted apart a bit as you have been ill.

What does the closest one of the group (your bridesmaid) have to say - has she been supportive of you or as useless as the rest?

If she is your friend then you should be happy to be there on such a very important and special day.
Surely feeling crap, sick and being pregnant, you wouldn't have wanted to be a bridesmaid and this is the reason you weren't asked not because you didn't ask her.

She didn't even know I was pregnant when she asked them all. I did not even know myself.

So the pregnancy is not the reason.

I think that when you changed your mind and did invite one of your group of friends to be a BM, it may well have put at least this woman's nose out of joint. Also because of the pregnancy she may think you wouldn't be able to be a BM for practical or (less nicely ) aesthetic reasons.

The group may not have realised that it's less by choice than through how ill you're feeling that you've dropped out of their radar, and unfortunately it's a lot easier to be supportive over fun things that involve going out drinking & having a laugh than it is over pregnancy-related illness. People are a bit selfish and thoughtless sometimes.

Oh x-post, sorry.

Personally I would not attend the wedding and would wave bye bye to this "friend" also. She sounds like someone you can do without frankly.

You really got a "mass facebook invite" to the wedding ??

Maybe she genuinely thought that as you had not asked her to be your bridesmaid, you wouldn't mind not being hers?

Also, like you, maybe she couldn't afford to have everyone as bridesmaids, but didn't have a sister and another friend to ask, or simply didn't want to ask anybody else, but chose her three closest friends out of your group, which left you out?

She probably could and should have explained it better to you.

Go to the wedding, enjoy being a guest, and focus on your baby. Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way!

Yes a mass facebook invite.

Maybe she was upset at not being BM but I made it clear I could not afford 6 bridesmaids. For a small intimate wedding it would be ridiculous anyway. I still involved her as much as possible she helped pick out my dress and so on.

If I had asked everyone but her I would understand this is just tit for tat. But I could never do that to someone; make just one person feel 'left out'.(This sounds like we are still 14 I know).

I guess if this was just a one off I might think it was just immaturity. But there have been a number of things she has done over the years. I dont know if this the final straw.

Also, like you, maybe she couldn't afford to have everyone as bridesmaids, but didn't have a sister and another friend to ask, or simply didn't want to ask anybody else, but chose her three closest friends out of your group, which left you out?

Well perhaps but she asked the three from the group,plus 3 other girls on top of that (from her work)!

Opps, meant to Italic that. I wish there was a proper way of doing quotes on here...

"the only one to pay any interest in dc at all."

• are you the only one with children?
• are you the only one who is married?

If so, that might be the reason. Only a few years ago it would have been seen as ridiculous to have a woman who was a) married and b) a mother as a bridesmaid. It is more common now, I grant you, but some people have traditional views.

Bridesmaids are traditionally supposed to be young unmarried women.

Put it another way, what sort of age/circumstances would you consider to make someone not be picked as a bridesmaid?

For me, I guess it would be something like if someone is married with children and over 30.

Other people would have stricter/lesser criteria - such as having a male bridesmaid.

How old are they all??

I am the only one with a dc and married (though still a few years under 30)

She has said that the sole reason for not asking me, and not asking me alone is that she was not my bridesmaid.

She really is not the traditonal type...

They are 27-28 years old

If she has told you that the only reason she hasn't asked you is that she was not your bridesmaid, then she clearly was upset at you not asking her, and so this probably is tit for tat.

The other problems you have had with her - did they all come after your wedding - so after she wasn't asked to be bridesmaid? If so then I think it is clear that this is what the underlying problem was.

If so I guess you just have to accept it and move on. Problem is, if you let this friendship slide, do you risk your friendship with the other three girls too?

Well, she's been honest then: she wasn't close enough a friend for you to ask her to be a BM, and she's turned that round to deciding you're not close enough to her to be hers. Either out of pettiness or because she felt hurt.

Leroy that's awful. I don't get it- why ask everyone but one person? I couldnt do it to anyone.

Are you still friends with them?

I think you chose one girl from the group to be bridesmaid and it has angered her. That's what I believe and she probably did a mass invite probably to show her annoyance for what you did. I don't think you should have had anyone from the group as your bm . Girls will be girls everyone's different and takes things differently. She has obviously took offence. I think if you were that close as you say you would communicate more and no how she would take things.
Also you did tell them all you wasn't having anyone out of the group as bm because your reason was you couldn't afford but then at the last minute found some money to have one of the group. Don't you see how that would look like you lied or making excuses and could hurt the others? If you say you couldn't afford then find some money out of nowhere for 1 girl then you could have found some for the other 3 girls. That's how I would have seen it and would be hurt that you singled just one girl and it wasn't me. If you treat them like that then don't expect any courtesy back to you I'm afraid. That's the way it goes. If you want them to be all supportive with you and caring then you have to give them the same and you didn't did you ? And I bet they all came to your weDding even when you snubbed them! So you should do the same go to the girls wedding and think about their feelings more next time.

Tbh, and I don't mean to be in any way offensive, but I wouldn't have asked you to be my bridesmaid either, just because I think if you have bridesmaids it's a way of having your closest friends with you on the day. I think you probably hurt her more than you are aware in not asking her to be yours, and she probably took you not asking her as an indication that you didn't think of her as a close enough friend to do so. Which, in fact, you didn't.

If you had stuck with your original intention of not inviting any of them and had just the other 2 she may not have taken it that way, but when you changed your mind I suspect she did. Did you take the time to explain to the other 2 why you had changed your mind about your other friend being included after all, but not them?

Try not to get upset about it. After all, bridesmaiding would probably have been difficult if you are having a bad pregnancy/would have a young baby to look after. I hope you can resolve this and enjoy the day with her, and of course that your pregnancy gets easier.

Yep I think you maybe need to apologise for hurting her and she probably thinks you singled her and the others out by only inviting one from the group. I'd clear the air. Suck it up and go .

I agree with BellsaRinging. You didn't ask her, she's not asked you. Alls fair. Yes, you take the moral ground of not leaving one out, she is choosing another way. It's her wedding, her choice. Also, you alerted her to your pregnancy and sickness two months ago, she gets wed in a month, so that's three months where you have been out of action health wise, and didn't make the hen do. When ever that was. I think, married with young child and one on the way, I wouldn't ask you to be bridesmaid either. It's just not practical.

I had a close friend who met her dh to be through me. Shortly after, I married and had ds. We saw a lot less of each other for a couple of years, although she asked me to her wedding, evening only. My mother and a few others were outraged on my behalf. She only met him because of me! So what, that's the random way of life. I couldn't care less. Got ds looked after and dh and I went to her wedding and had a blast.

Women make such a big deal out of the small things.

If I am really honest the friend getting married is no way as close as the one as I choose as bridesmaid(or who made it clear she wanted to be). The one getting married never told me she minded at all.

I have had a pretty hellish five years.Out of one of the worst things to happen, this particular friend was actually there some years ago when a violent, drunken ex physically attacked me in front of dc and her finacee had to get him off me. It was awful. ( I know sounds very Jeremy Kyle)

I didnt hear from her for months after that. She didnt see if I was ok. She didnt help me at all and I was on my own with dc and a total mess.

Maybe I somewhere can't let go off feeling betrayed in my darkest hours and it would feel wrong to have her as a 'close' friend.

She knows all I been through, hasnt supported me and now possibly uses her wedding as some 'pay back' for the fact we could not afford all these bridemaids.

I can understand if I asked everyone but her. But I didn't.

I had similar with my wedding. I only wanted a child bridesmaid and when my best mate asked me who was going to be her bridesmaid I said I wanted her daughter (my goddaughter). I thought she'd be thrilled and she seemed like she was. Unknown to me she was pissed off that I hadn't asked her - but I didn't want an adult bridesmaid.

She started planning her wedding while we were waiting for mine and informed me she was asking 4 of her work colleagues (who she had never seen out of work) to be bridesmaids and not me. It was at this point I realised she was pissed off.

I tried to explain but she still wasn't happy. 2 nights before my wedding she emailed me to say she couldn't make my wedding and neither would her daughter (my bridesmaid). She switched her phone off so I drove 20 miles to see her - she was really arsey and said she had better things to do than come to my wedding. I haven't seen her since.

It does sound like your friend is annoyed at not been asked to be a bridesmaid. I would go as a guest and see if you can get past this. I regret falling out with my friend over it.