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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I still be expected to go a 'friends' wedding after this?

67 replies

Roseflower · 31/03/2011 14:18

I have had a group of 4 friends that we have all know each other for over 10 years.

Last year I got married and explained to the group I could not afford everyone as a bridesmaid and would have my sister and my best friend (from a seperate walk off life).

Last minute I did ask one of the girls from the group as we had always been a lot closer and she goes out her way to help me and has been the only one to pay any interest in dc at all.I knew it meant a lot to her.

Now another 'friend' from the group is getting married in a month. I am pregnant and told her about 2 months ago as I am getting really bad morning sickness and could not attend her hen do as it was some full on drinking and clubbing session. She was fine about it.

However She has since ignored all my messages but I saw her online last and explained how sick I was for past 2 months and how I had an awful weekend as had bleeding with baby.

She turned the conversation to her wedding and cheerfully told me how everyone in that group is her bridesmaid.Except me.

She thought it was fine as I hadn't asked her but I explained that I hadnt asked everyone, but one person from that group as I couldnt bear hurting 1 person by leaving them out. She then ignored me and I not heard a word since.

I feel awful. I been housebound for 2 months with awful sickness and not barely a text from anyone in that group let alone anyone visiting me. Instead they have all been meeting up together for months to plan the wedding together.

It is humiliating. I had no idea all this time, no-one thought to tell me. Though I found it odd I was the only one out of the group to get a mass facebook invite.

I cannot believe when I am having a hard time not only do I get no support but it seems I am also kicked futher. I was terrified I was going to lose my baby at the weekend and now this. I feel so depressed.

I wasnt sure I could make it with my sickness but now how I be expected to sit there the only one not a bridesmaid, completly sidelined.

Can I really be expected to attend this wedding?

OP posts:
zikes · 31/03/2011 16:37

I just think you made a mistake asking one of the group: it should have been all or none. Your signal was that the others weren't close enough, so you can't really complain that she feels the same about you.

She may be a bit of a fairweather friend, or she may have been frightened or felt out of her depth when you were having problems with your violent ex.

She's not your close friend, but I wouldn't boycott her wedding - it'll likely have a knock-on effect on the whole friendship group and end in people taking sides, and possibly not yours, since you were the first to exclude them.

perfumedlife · 31/03/2011 16:42

VivaLaBeaver, your friends behaviour was shocking, I'm surprised you see it as a regret you have, it was her who fell out with you, and in a really immature, nasty way. I would say good riddance.

Easy for me to say, i know. But stunned. She could have said she was disappointed at the start, or just grew the fuck up and taken delight in her daugher being chosen.
What is it with women and weddings? Confused

Original poster
Roseflower · 31/03/2011 16:44

Its just ridiculous though. I have supported her over the years. I have had to forgive her so many times for the awful things she has done. Yet this is another chance to hurt me.

I guess what this thread is making me realise is maybe I just had enough of her hurting me over and over a long time ago. If I had really wanted her to be my BM I would have found a way. But it would have felt a lie.

And her behaviour now just seems to prove why it would have felt a lie.

OP posts:
positivesteps · 31/03/2011 16:58

I think you need to exclude the past from the topic you are posting about. From what you said she hasn't been their many times when you needed her. Fro what you are saying she definatley should have supported you more with the ex and his violence .
But this isn't the issue your posting about. You excluded her from your wedding - some people have pride and may not tell you what they feel but still be hurt. You hurt her so she's hurting you. You don't feel close by your own admission because she has hurt you for other issues in the past but which ever way you look at it you still posted saying that you are a group of 4 and you excluded 3 and invited 1 to be your bmaid. If you kept it to your sister and other girl it wold be fine now. By excluding them they probably don't feel like you see them as close friends so why then do you think you should be bm? Bms are usually family or close friends and you say that your not close to her . Just go or if you don't want her as a friend anymore then don't go and don't have the friendship anymore . Maybe have a talk to her before deciding.

Original poster
Roseflower · 31/03/2011 17:14

Thank you Positivesteps.

I guess I do very much see the past as part of the issue. I think this situation has forced me to realise maybe I really don't think there is any real friendship between me and her as for me her behaviour has wrecked it. Maybe all that exsists is a shared history.

Really we are not close friends. Not in the way I am with other friends I have met since. I guess other friendships just highlight how weak this one is.

Yet she no closer in reality to the others than me, they never seem there for each other either which makes the whole thing a bit...

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 31/03/2011 17:33

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Original poster
Roseflower · 31/03/2011 17:39

How nice. Well she def is not as evil as that.

OP posts:
Boudoiricca · 31/03/2011 17:56

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Roseflower · 31/03/2011 18:00

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EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 31/03/2011 18:05

'(I) explained to the group I could not afford everyone as a bridesmaid '
'Last minute I did ask one of the girls from the group as we had always been a lot closer and she goes out her way to help me and has been the only one to pay any interest in dc at all.I knew it meant a lot to her'

That's your reason.

You said you couldn't afford to have them and then went and picked your favourite .

fallingandlaughing · 31/03/2011 18:30

You aren't really close friends.
You don't even sound like you like her.
You need to ask yourself why you even want to be bridesmaid.
Time to start seeing her as a peripheral friend and save all the heartache.

cremeeggsrock · 31/03/2011 18:44

facebook invite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! blooming heck. whats the world coming to, i wouldnt go just on that:)

seriously though, dont be offended! shes not a true friend anyways.

MigratingCoconuts · 31/03/2011 18:44

RoseFlower, its sad when friendships drift apart but you have said yourself that you are not that close anymore. Your pride has been hurt, just like her's was when she wasn't included in your bridesmaids.

Its a bit sad that your friends should be ending on this sour note. Could you just accept this for what it is, go to the wedding (if you are well) and accept the friendship on its new terms?

I think you need to spend time looking after yourself. With such a bad time, you must be feeling vulnerable to this sort of thing.

Original poster
Roseflower · 31/03/2011 18:50

Ha ha cremeeggrock!

Thank you migrating what a lovely message. I am still not sure about the wedding I have tried to speak to her just now...no response.

But I think your right, I need to get this out of my system and concentrate and keeping stress free for my baby now.

OP posts:
Showmeheaven · 31/03/2011 19:19

Someone said earlier you need to suck it up and I agree. At least you know why she hasn't asked you to be BM, and there is nothing you can say or do now to undo that. These things really do seem to matter to women tho, can you imagine men getting all shirty for not being asked to be best man, it would never happen! Be the bigger person here, go to her wedding and be happy for her.

Original poster
Roseflower · 31/03/2011 19:32

Well I just tried to clear the air.Instead I got screamed at because I should of been at one her her hen do's and not in A&E terrified we were losing our baby at the weekend.

I think that is the final straw.

OP posts:
ChupaChups · 31/03/2011 19:47

This all sounds a bit childish. Why bother? It sounds like you don't like each any more anyway.

I would retreat gracefully, let her go and concentrate my energies on finding friends I didn't have a tit for tat relationship with. It's far too draining.

Original poster
Roseflower · 31/03/2011 19:51

Your right. I have had enough.

I don't think I have ever heard anything so sick.

The stress she is causing now is not worth it to my baby. Im going to move on a focus on much healthier friendships with other friends.

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
Showmeheaven · 31/03/2011 19:53

Oh, thats awful Roseflower. She's turning into a Bridezilla Shock

perfumedlife · 31/03/2011 19:57

Shock one of her hen dos ? She definately sounds too Bridezilla by far! And no sympathy you were in A&E? Charming.

I thought you had already told her you wouldn't make the hen do?

ChupaChups · 31/03/2011 20:00

As you get older you realise that some people are just not worth hanging onto. As soon as alarm bells start ringing I beat the retreat from people! I am always nice. I don't get into slanging matches with people. I don't explain myself, I just quietly withdraw from them. It's the only way.

Leave it a short while, politely decline her invitation, wish her the very best for the future, don't slag her off to anyone, forget her and move on. There are lots of lovely friends out there for you.

Good luck with the baby.
x

crystalglasses · 31/03/2011 20:03

This sounds very childish to me. i think that once you are all married you will probably move on, make other adult friendships and laugh at your young selves when you reflect on it all. Once you have your baby, this bridesmaid preoccupation will be the last thing on your mind.

G1nger · 31/03/2011 20:10

I can understand why you're upset. I believe the question, though, is whether you want to split the group over this issue (by not attending the wedding) or take it on the chin. I believe you should rise above it, show her how much dignity you have in this way, and look towards the future.

You have also spoken twice about having felt very rough recently / been through bad things for longer than that. The group - or this individual - might want you to be more fun to be around. Whether that is fair or easy for you or not, if they are indicating (and I think they might be) that you need to put in more of an effort and not "play the victim" then you need to do that if you want to mend everything.

I also think that for going forward, you should think about not communicating via Facebook. Give her a call and speak friend to friend. Speaking via Facebook tends to inflame things in my experience, but you might get on better by meeting/speaking in person. Ask her why she did this - and ask her what you can do to be better friends with her in the future. If that's what you want to do.

G1nger · 31/03/2011 20:10

(I've done that thing where I didn't read the last page of messages again, haven't I?)

Original poster
Roseflower · 31/03/2011 20:11

She is having 2 or 3. Yes I already told her with plently of warning. But it serves me right to be 'left out' according to her because I didnt make the effort to be at her hen do. I already said it was unlikey due to sickness but as it turns out out I was in A & E that night. But that is not good enough.

She has errupted like this too many times. One classic time when I caught her and an ex getting it on at my graduation party. It was my fault back then.

Im almost laughing at how stupid I have been to waste 13 years on this evil, childish 'friend'.

OP posts: