Husband left me 7 months pregnant, I didnt tell him about some debt I had, I dont know what to do

[jammygirl]

I dont know what to do. A couple of years ago I had my own business and when the business got into difficulty I borrowed some money, I thought no-one would ever know as it would be paid back. To cut a long story short the business eventually failed and I never paid the money back, my husband has now found out about this debt and walked out.
We have been together for 20 years and married for 8. We have 2 children and I am 7 months pregnant with our 3rd child, my husband has gone to stay at his parents and has been there for 3 weeks now he says he cannot trust me.
I have tried to expalin to him why I have done what I did but he will not listen. I have asked him to come to marriage councelling and he just says he has not made his mind up yet. After been gone for 1 week he came back and wanted sex but kept saying I'm not coming back.
When I try and tak or ask him to come home he says he will not consider coming back until the debt is sorted but he wont tell me what that means, some days he says hes not coming back. Today he says he is not coming back to this house and wants to sell up and start again, I dont know if that includes me and the kids I cannot get a straight answer out of him. I have been totally honest with him and given him all of the information about the debt but he says he cannot trust me.
Sorry I know this is a long post and proberbly a bit mixed up as I feel as though I cannot take any more. Any advice is much appreciated. Do I just Give up or do I try to change his mind

I actually think you need to protect ytourself and your children. This is why -

"After been gone for 1 week he came back and wanted sex but kept saying I'm not coming back"

If you are married, and you are normally resident in the house, he may not sell the house without your permission. Don't give him your permission .... but make him explain why he wants to.

I'm guessing he's stretched himself financially about as far as he can and finding out that YOU have a debt he didn't know about has frightened him.

I think you are proberbly right, he has always been paranoid about debt which is why I didnt tell him in the first place.
He thinks if we sell our house we will have no debt and a clear slate to start again, which is proberbly true as what we would sell our house for would cover any debts we have and we would proberbly be left with a small deposit for a new house. In principal I suppose what he is saying is correct bet then we still have to buy a house to live in ??
The thing I am really struggling with is if he loves me and our kids how can he walk out leaving me pregnant and not really interested in the kids he has seen our son twice since he left and our daughter once. I have asked him about our unborn child and his answers to my questions are always I dont know. I know he is angry with me, but dont know what is going on or what he really wants

nEVER MIND WHAT HE WANTs!

You cannot live your life according to what someone else(adult) wants.

I see his point because i'm frightened of debt myself - will he actually discuss the finances with you?

him walking out on you at 7 months pg is not a good sign. And him not bothering with his children is, I'm afraid, not a good sign.

How much is the debt for, and are your creditors taking recovery action? Did you put up anything (eg the house) as collateral?

This part of the problem isn't going to go away, and will have a major impact on the practical side of dealing with the future of your marriage and family.

How much is the debt? Can you feasibly pay it off (even in small amounts).

Don't even think about selling the house.

Seems to me that he feels he has the right to "punish" you for the debt. And he is willing to punish his children at the same time. He has seen his children once or twice in three weeks? That is ridiculous.

You have been together for 20 years, so I am assuming he is in his mid-thirties to early-forties and he is behaving like a 16yo sulky child.

I can understand him being angry with you about the debt, but that is no reason to hurt his children.

As to him coming back for sex ... I am speechless at that.

He sounds like a bit of a knob.
You both sound like you are not that into this relationship tbh but he needs to let you knw where you stand.
He's coming back for sex? Talk about having your cake!

I think you need to take a bit of control. OK, hiding the debt was an awful thing to do, but this to-ing & fro-ing and keeping you on a string is no good either.

I suggest you stop having sex with him, he can't have it all ways, he is either with you or you're apart, none of this coming back for sex business. It's degrading.

I don't think he is behaving like a sulky child - he is probably pretty shocked that the trust and honesty that he thought existed in your relationship didn't exist (or at least not in the same way he expected).

What suggestions can you make for dealing with the debt? Is there any wya that you can earn some money, could you remortgage? could you sell somethings? You can't just leave it to him to sort out.

Thanks for the responses, we are talking about £20,000 and we are not being pushed into paying it back, we could pay it back over a period of time, but he will not entertain that.
I am really confused over what he wants. I would fight to keep us together and have been trying to for the last 3 weeks, I love him very much and have told him this. I have asked him to come back and he keeps saying i have lied to him how can he ever trust me again.
He says dont try to get me back as its just pushing him further away. He also says he will not consider coming back, if ever, until the debt is sorted, but I dont know how I can do that unless I do it over a period of time that is likely to be years, so where does that leave me.
Nothing I can do is right for him, he just wants to shout and scream at me, I understand he is angry with me.
I really feel like he is trying to punish me for what I have done and I know what I have done was wrong, Ive expalined to him why I did not tell him in the first place and he now says he can understand that.
I feel so helpless and everyone says to me show him that you can manage without him but that is so difficult whaen all I want is for him to come home and sort things out.

But there are numerous things here.

1. You were running your own business and ran into difficulties, and borrowed money. BUT YOU NEVER TOLD YOUR SPOUSE neither about the difficulties nor the loan.
2. How did you think you would pay back a loan, with interest, if your business was already failing? You were taking out a serious financial commitment, when you knew there was a risk that the business would not be able to pay back the debt. You jeopardized your family's financial security, as if the business failed, you would be without work, and have debts to repay. Who would pay?
3. You decided nobody needed to know. How have you serviced this debt over the years? From the family's combined salary? From his salary?
4. Or did you NOT repay anything at all? What position has this put your family in now then?

So you kept the truth from him, deliberately put your family into debt, and were banking on nobody knowing? You have been dishonest, and shown very poor judgement by putting your family's financial security at risk.

Honestly, I dont think you can blame him his indecision. And I dont think you can look so harsly on it as him "just coming back for sex". He probably still has feelings for you, but you have hurt your relationship a great deal.

What steps are you taking to rectify this?

Have you been working since? Do you have other savings?

Wow! You hid £20K's worth of debts from him? No wonder he's angry with you - especially if he hates the idea of owing money.

Are you working at all? Have you made any attempt to pay off any of the debt? Do you have a plan in place to re-pay it? If you don't, I can really understand why your husband might be suggesting that you sell your house. What is the alternative?

All of that, though, is separate from not seeing his children, which is truly unforgiveable. It does suggest that there is more wrong with your relationship than just this debt though.

Why did you not take bankruptcy when your business failed?

My DH did similar a few years back - in that he borrowed more and more money for his business (but borrowed it personally, not business loan). He told me one day he was struggling to pay things back - I knew he had small loans and credit card debts but no idea how much. Turned out when I forced him to sit down and work it out it was 30k. On credit cards . He had been borrowing money for repayments.

I was shocked yes. Upset yes. Kind of angry but more worried about the situation. It wasnt like he had been off on spending sprees or gambling, just trying to make a business work.

I rang CCS and sorted out a payment plan with them. The debt was all in his name, not on the house. He is paying it back at £300 a month or something (compared to the £1000) a month. Our house is fine, we are fine. I also 'made' him get a job rather than be self employed (he was happy to do this).

I understand your DH being shocked or maybe angry but this isn't really that big a deal if they are not pushing you to pay it back. You weren't off splashing the cash on things just trying to make a living. Ok you should have told him.

So angry yes. Wanting some time to calm down yes. But this? At 7 months pregnant. He is not behaving well at all.

20 k is a lot of money.

I am speechless.

How come you decided to have a third child, with this debt hanging over your family?

Good post QS. If my dh had borrowed 20 grand without telling me, I would feel very betrayed. And furious that he had risked our joint futures on a decision he made on his own. And deliberately kept from me.

Quint - I understand what you are saying but this is done. She is upset and in a horrible situation. And 7 months pregnant. I dont see how this is helping - she isnt going to do it again!

£20k is a lot of money yes but you could get an unsecured loan and pay that back at about £350 a month over 5 years. Or if you added it to the mortgage much less. If they are both working and bringing in money it should be manageable.

Hiding it from her DH was wrong yes but I don't see how it is worth breaking up a family over.

You can't make him come home and he's told you he doesn't want you to try to get him back, so take him at his word.

Letting him come & go and have sex with you is going to break you emotionally. You need to have your strength.

He's got a right to be angry, but there's only so much you can do if you're now being totally honest & open about the finances and have apologised & explained.

I would sort out arrangements to pay back the debt over a length of time on your own steam, and live your life, focus on your baby and kids.

Give him time & space to work out what he wants away from you, but sex comes with a loving relationship, not as a weapon or a bribe.

I think you should tell him to get lost. Saying he is not coming back then pestering you for sex. That's really bad.

DO NOT sell your house. For all you know, he might be planning to leave you permanently and wants half the proceeds of the house. If you don't move out, he can't sell it.

What I don't understand is how you were able to borrow that amount of money without putting it against your house - what kind of loan was it?

You're lucky you haven't had to sell your house already to pay it back, tbh.

Did you borrow it from a family member?

Who have you borrowed from? Have you seen a CAB debt advisor?
I would do this first, and get good advice on how to clear the debt. You need to start getting the finances in general on a firm footing. Sort it out as if he is not coming back, you cannot act as if you expect him to rescue you, you need to rescue yourself.

Then work on your relationship and maybe get some couple counselling if you both want to work on your relationship.

A good friend of mine has said that financial stress kills more relationships than anything.

You have not acted well here, or even like an adult. But you can pick yourself up, and start sorting the mess out.

No she's not going to do it again, but it might help Jammy to understand how he might be feeling. He might not be a twat, he might be reeling with shock and unsure of what the hell to do. And that might make her feel better.

peppa, would you rather I had not posted?

I think jammygirl needs to know exactly where her husband is coming from, and lots of posters telling her she has done nothing wrong and her husband is an arse, and she should protect her house, etc, might not be helping either, but I dont admonish posters for saying this.

She has screwed her family financially, her husband is telling her he is not coming back until the mess she created and hid from him, is sorted. Fair dos.

I bet he does not really want to sell the house, and start fresh, but he has been knocked for six, and the op needs to know how serious the situation is.

I dont think the op will be able to move forward unless she realizes that simply telling her husband she loves him and wants him back, is not enough, she need to do more, and she needs to try and work out a plan to get OUT of this mess.

Can you remortgage your house jammygirl, rather than selling and buying a new one? It might be cheaper and easier.