Husband left me 7 months pregnant, I didnt tell him about some debt I had, I dont know what to do

[jammygirl]

I dont know what to do. A couple of years ago I had my own business and when the business got into difficulty I borrowed some money, I thought no-one would ever know as it would be paid back. To cut a long story short the business eventually failed and I never paid the money back, my husband has now found out about this debt and walked out.
We have been together for 20 years and married for 8. We have 2 children and I am 7 months pregnant with our 3rd child, my husband has gone to stay at his parents and has been there for 3 weeks now he says he cannot trust me.
I have tried to expalin to him why I have done what I did but he will not listen. I have asked him to come to marriage councelling and he just says he has not made his mind up yet. After been gone for 1 week he came back and wanted sex but kept saying I'm not coming back.
When I try and tak or ask him to come home he says he will not consider coming back until the debt is sorted but he wont tell me what that means, some days he says hes not coming back. Today he says he is not coming back to this house and wants to sell up and start again, I dont know if that includes me and the kids I cannot get a straight answer out of him. I have been totally honest with him and given him all of the information about the debt but he says he cannot trust me.
Sorry I know this is a long post and proberbly a bit mixed up as I feel as though I cannot take any more. Any advice is much appreciated. Do I just Give up or do I try to change his mind

If I had done this to my DH he would be so upset - angry and frightened - I have no idea what he would do. But leaving me may be a possibility, regardless of the children.

He has a serious and massive fear of any debt. Plus add to that the massive betrayal of trust that I would have shown.

I'm not saying that I think the OP's DH was right to behave as he did, at all, but I can absolutely see why he has done.

We dont know how the money was spent. For all we know she might have spent it on the best accountancy firm in the city, BEFORE she even had a product to sell, she might have taken out 12 full page glossy ads in 3 different female monthlies (which most people know is pointless and unlikely to pay for itself), to sell her home made bunting, or a huge stall at Network Security World, manned by 3-4 bimbos in stilettos, to sell her banner ad services, or homemade cookies in beaded jars. But all that is beside the point.

If she'd posted that she was pregnant and had just found out her DH had taken out a secret 20k loan for his failing business, we would be urging her to leave him.

Would you really?! I would be suggesting a massive pow wow about money, where it went, why he lied and then would say that she should agree to the counselling. I wouldnt be telling a pregnant woman with 2 other children to leave her husband if the marriage could be saved!

'If she'd posted that she was pregnant and had just found out her DH had taken out a secret 20k loan for his failing business, we would be urging her to leave him.'

I wouldn't.

I get a rep as a man-basher here, but in reality, the only times I suggest a person leave is in the case of cheating combined with abuse, a cheater who refuses to see a counsellor and wants the partner to pretend it never happened, DV or emotional abuse (including financial), a substance abuser/gambler who refuses to get help or make a serious effort to stop or someone who is mentally ill and refuses to get help.

Totally disagree with a lot of the posters - the OP from the sounds of it was doing her best to support a business. Do any of you run your own businesses? It's a bloody nightmare and you end up with debts all over the place. Just balancing the books is a full time job and it only takes one or two things to go wrong and the whole lot can come crashing down. We are also in a recession, if some of you hadn't noticed - it is quite hard out there to find work and A LOT of people are in debt - with credit cards. A mortgage is a debt - how many of you have mortgages - yep, it's called a debt.

I couldn't give a shit if my partner borrowed £20,000 and didn't tell me. What the hell, who cares? It's none of my business - his debt, his problem. It's not remotely like an affair whoever said that. What a stupid response.

If he got into difficulties I would sit down and talk, not do a runner. What a horrible thing to do - and not see the children.

"All he has done is walk out" ....what the fuck! Walk out of a 20 year relationship with two children and her pregnant!! That is an absolutely shit thing to do over something as petty as borrowing money.

The person who is being abusive is the OPs partner. I presume he has some kind of responsibility for her pregnancy .

OP - some of the poster here are complete idiots. But to be honest if my partner walked out on me when I was pregnant I would never forgive him even if I had borrowed a million pounds.

The reason people hide things is because they are scared of someone's reaction - it is not "abuse". They hope that by not saying anything the problem will go away. Yes it is silly, but I am sure everyone has done it in some way or other. OP - you could go bankrupt to write off the debts, you could work out a repayment plan, there are loads of ways to deal with this.

'I'd say it's pretty abusive to hide a 20k loan from your husband.'

No, it's not.

That's ridiculous.

Quintissential - why on earth are you "gob-smacked" - have you never heard of anyone ever being secretive about anything, or anyone being in debt? Perhaps it is time to get into the real world.

tadpoles, why are you picking on me?

I am not the only one of this opinion. And where do I say 'gob-smacked' ?

Yes 20k is a LOT of money and hiding it was really bad but he's abandoned his own children because he's upset with his wife about hiding a debt.

I am in a lot of debt and it terrifies me and keeps me up at night but I would not leave my children because of it. That's not shock. That is either pure childishness using his poor children to punish his wife or he had walking out in his mind already.

Either way OP I would take the advice of earlier posts and give him a time frame for sorting out what he wants. You cannot live in limbo. You have DC's to think about.

Expat - it's an abuse of trust.

So is cheating, Word. That is different from an abusive relationship.

Yep, putting myself in the husband's shoes here. Nope, still can't see the point in ending a marriage over £20K.

I'm not a very materialistic person and to me, people are more important than money.

My kids are more important than £20K.

tadpoles - I have been running my own business for 13 years, so I'm very well aware as to how difficult it is.

That said, if I borrowed that amount of money, I wouldn't be able to do it (unless it was from a family member) without putting my house up as a guarantee - therefore if my business failed my house would be at risk. So it wouldn't just be my affair - it would very much be something that would affect my husband.

EVen if that isn't the case for the OP (and she hasn't said anything about that), it's still a massive amount of debt to hide. The OP's husband has been betrayed massively.

I think he sounds a bit of a dick, to be honest, walking out like he has - which is why I think there's probably more to this story than the OP has told us. But she's not coming back to tell us more, is she?!

That said, this also jammygirl's first and only post.

I am not as outraged about the debt as some of the people on here. This may be because I've always worked in finance so know a lot about other people's money and I'm rarely surprised by anything these days.

OP I think you are right to be hurt at the way your husband is behaving. He is reacting disproportionately to the offence and the bit about demanding sex is horrible.

I also think you need to do something about the debt regardless of what happens with your dh. But we need a bit more info. Where is it? On credit cards/unsecured loan etc? Who's name is it in? What arrangement do you currently have for paying it back or are you in arrears and ignoring it?

You say there is equity in the house. It might be an option to move the debt to a secured loan to benefit from lower rates. Or an IVA might be more appropriate. Probably a good idea to speak to the debt charity Consumer Credit Counselling Service www.cccs.co.uk/

He's gone to his parents for three weeks to sort his head out and regroup

But he hasnt has he? He has left, said he wont come back until the debt has gone, which is impractical to say the least. He has abandoned his children, wont discuss the pregnancy and is refusing counselling. Whilst doing all of this, he is asking her for sex, so not only does he want to fuck with her brain he wants to fuck her body too!

Those are not the actions of a hurt and confused man, they are the actions of a cruel and manipulative man and I wouldnt be at all surprised if the OP has been living in a less than perfect relationship for a long time. Otherwise, why would she have kept the loan a secret? She said that he is paranoid about debt, so what would his reaction have been and what was she so frightened of that she couldnt tell him?

We don't know if the baby was planned either. Not all pregnancies are. So I don't think we can accuse anyone of conning anyone else. Actually, given the demand for sex as outlined by the OP (which there is no reason not to believe) we probably shouldn't assume there was much give and take or if the subject of having another baby came up before the baby was conceived. No way of telling either way of course...

You have shattered his ideal as he thought he knew you, when he found out something like this, he turns out he didn't. It's like he has been lied to for years and he is hurt.

You need to sit down with him for the sake of yourself, your children and your unborn child to try to work out what you are all going to do. You cannot continue to live in limbo waiting on him to make a decision.

Ask him if he still loves you, if he does you can build on that and try to rebuild his trust.

I agree with Quintess and Reality, hiding £20,000 worth of debt from your spouse is financial abuse. It's effectively stealing money from your family.

If DH did this to me I doubt I would ever be able to trust him again. I imagine it would be the end of our marriage. And I would no more consider that I was the one splitting up the family than if he had cheated on me.

I certainly wouldn't entertain coming back while he was maintaining that the debt was affordable and expecting me to sort it all out.

OP, you said you tried to explain why you did what you did. Have you actually said you are sorry, and admitted you were bang out of order?

Husband also in limbo here I reckon and the way he sees it his wife is still doing nothing to address the debt. He must know it is unrealistic for it to be got rid of just like that.

Seems that nothing has been done to appease the husband's worry and you need to actually do something. Contact the company who debt is with and come to a resolution - it won't disappear.

Although it seems right now that the debt is not being chased - it will be. Most orgs have their own debt recovery depts who will eventually deal with it and if you're not showing willing to repay they will be tougher on you - and are able to put a charge on your house so you cannot sell without them being paid. They are also able to force bankruptcy.

Deal with it now when there are just two children coz will be even harder with three.
Good luck

Well - either we've frightened the OP right away, or this was posted just to get a reaction.