Husband left me 7 months pregnant, I didnt tell him about some debt I had, I dont know what to do

[jammygirl]

I dont know what to do. A couple of years ago I had my own business and when the business got into difficulty I borrowed some money, I thought no-one would ever know as it would be paid back. To cut a long story short the business eventually failed and I never paid the money back, my husband has now found out about this debt and walked out.
We have been together for 20 years and married for 8. We have 2 children and I am 7 months pregnant with our 3rd child, my husband has gone to stay at his parents and has been there for 3 weeks now he says he cannot trust me.
I have tried to expalin to him why I have done what I did but he will not listen. I have asked him to come to marriage councelling and he just says he has not made his mind up yet. After been gone for 1 week he came back and wanted sex but kept saying I'm not coming back.
When I try and tak or ask him to come home he says he will not consider coming back until the debt is sorted but he wont tell me what that means, some days he says hes not coming back. Today he says he is not coming back to this house and wants to sell up and start again, I dont know if that includes me and the kids I cannot get a straight answer out of him. I have been totally honest with him and given him all of the information about the debt but he says he cannot trust me.
Sorry I know this is a long post and proberbly a bit mixed up as I feel as though I cannot take any more. Any advice is much appreciated. Do I just Give up or do I try to change his mind

THe whys and wherefores of the OPs life are irrelevant. It doesnt matter why she chose to have a baby now. And the amount, while alot, isnt really relevant either.

What IS relevant is the DH refusing to discuss anything. The OP is willing to deal with the debt but he is asking for impossible terms, wont discuss anything else, says he isnt coming back one minute yet he is still hassling her for sex!

While I can understand his shock and worry, I do wonder if this is more of an excuse to leg it? The fact that he hasnt seen his children and isnt interested in his unborn child indicates that there is more to this than just the money. He hasnt just left his wife because of her debt, but has abandoned his children too. That smacks of a man sick of family life. Roughyl estimating his age, it could well be classic mid-life crisis with the debt just pushing him over the edge with feelings he may have had for a while. Pregnancy turns men into funny creatures as much as women, and if he was feeling under pressure by the pg then this could have given him all the reason he needed to leave.

OP, I think you need to take back a bit of control. Confront him regarding the debt with a repayment plan. Show him you are dealing with it but make it clear that his idea of getting it out of the way NOW is unrealisitic. And give him a time limit to make a decision, so you can make your plans. If he isnt coming back then you need to know so that you can make arrangments for your and kids futures.

Is this a loan from a family member - I only ask as you suggest that there is no pressure to repay and that does not sound typical of a normal commercial arrangement.

I can understand why your dh is upset, but his attitude is frankly childish.

Do you work (ignoring any upcomming maternity leave)? Can you put in place a repayment schedule - the absolute most you think you can afford? If I was you, I would be aiming to have the debt repaid within 5 years (at the most) - this would put the repayments at around £400 a month.

Do not sell the house - it is a terrible time to sell property if you do not have to and waiting may well generate a better return for you.

I would stop asking him to come back - if he won't come back until the debt is repaid, I would not hold my breath waiting for him. However, he needs to provide financial support for his children (and indeed you if you are not working and are off on maternity leave). I would ask him what his financial contribution to his children's welfare is going to be.

Do not put your life on hold for him. He may well feel betrayed, but he needs to deal with those feelings and its impact on his family. He does not need to strom off in a huff.

I don't think anyone is saying jammy has done nothing wrong - she obviously did.

I just wonder if maybe he was funny about money before all this, and that was why she felt she had to hide what she was doing.

She needs constructive ways forward, not criticism of her pregnancy.

No I just meant that as terrible a thing she has done hiding it from him, she is already feeling absolutely dreadful. I dont think she needs pointing out what she has done wrong - she gets it . I think the 7 months pregnant bit makes a big difference.

I feel sorry for the OP because she's in such a vulnerable situation, but I also agree with her. £20k is a fck of a lot of debt. Sorry. I would be reeling in her husband's shoes too. I don't know what the answer is, but I think it's not surprising he needs to 'process' this shock at his parents house. You kept this secret from him and brought another child into the mix.

I agree with QS I mean, on the subject of debt.

Quint
I agree that it was a terrible thing to do, and that £20K is a lot of money. And that Jammy's H has the right to be angry, and upset that she did this, and hid it so long from him.

I also understand that he is confused and hurt that she lied to him for years.

It does not change the fact that he has left the family home and has hardly contacted the children - as BIWI says, this is a separate issue to the one that the parents are facing. It is not acceptable to "punish" the children for the sins of the parents.

or maybe, it is just a sign of how distraught he is? If he has been a good father and husband until now, and this is out of character, then I dont think much of an issue should be made of it. Other than pointing out to him that regardless of what he feels about the op, he should make an effort to see the kids, as they are really losing out.

I think you need to see CAB and get a proper repayment arrangement for the debt. This should show DH that you are serious about tackling it, and it is a first step in demonstrating that you will be transparent about finances in future.

Breach of trust over finances is a big deal, and it will take a lot of work to get over it.

The first question is, now you've seen his reaction, is what kind of future you can see for you both (both optimistic and pessimistic versions). Which of these scenarios do you actually want? You say he is non-committal right now. Would pushing him towards a decision now help get the outcome you want?

For me, this is a very revealing sentence:

"I feel so helpless and everyone says to me show him that you can manage without him but that is so difficult whaen all I want is for him to come home and sort things out"

It doesn't sound from your posts Jammygirl as if you are taking any responsibility for this debt - is that true? You haven't talked about how you plan to pay it back or whether you have paid any back in the last two years.

Is this the case?

Your post is all about getting him to come back you; you don't seem able to understand just what a betrayal this has been for him. Why should he take responsibility for something that you did?

I read that to mean "sort out the relationship" BIWI, not the debt. Although I agree that showing that she is dealing with the debt will help her case.

Jammygirl, can you do something that would help to sort out the debt? If you have three kids and a baby then childcare would be crippling. Can you take in a foreign student or something? That can be about £400 a month? that would really show that you are pro-actively finding solutions and paying off the debt.

i didnt read that he was pestering her for sex

more that he said several times he wasnt coming back, but she still agreed to have sex with him knowing that. Thats her choice surely.

You lied to your husband, covered up a £20k loan and let him bring another child into the world without the slightest clue as to how much debt you had. No wonder he fled, thats an awful lot to keep from your spouse.

If you are not working, has he also been paying the debt unknown to him?

She doesnt say that she gave him sex, but that he asked for it. That is shitty, "I'm leaving you because of XYZ but I still expect you to shag me". No wonder she is confused!

And she wouldnt be the first person to resume sexual relations with the hope that him wanting sex meant he wanted to continue the relationship even if she had!

Why do I get the feeling that this is another of those relationship threads that slowly untangles to reveal a history of abuse?

OP- If you didn't have good cause forhiding the debt from your DH then that was a mistake on your part, and you have to take some responsibility for that.

BUT There were obviously some pretty big problems in the relationship to start with for you to have done this. Why does he have 'paranoia' about debt? Does he have other indicators od a mental health problem? Has he ever 'demanded' sex from you before? If he is living with his parents now, what do they say about all of this?

FWIW married people aren't responsible for each other's debts.

Don't have sex with him! He said you're through, that means no sex.

Head to teh CAB and get some proper legal advice.

If he says the marriage is over, believe him and act accordingly (including not servicing his cock anymore).

Very hard to tell the situation here I would regard the amount of long-term sustained deceit from the OP here as equal to an affair in betrayal if dh did it to me. To have another child knowing that only one party in the relationship knew the full score would be a further level of breakdown. If dh did let me down so badly, like this, or via an affair, I would want some time to decide about whether or not I thought the relationship had a future, and being pressured to make a snap decision (he?s only know for what 3 weeks) would definitely make me say that the answer was no.

Re the sex and the children ? very hard to tell from the OP. Did he come round to talk things over, she tried to pretend everything was back to normal, flirted, he went along for a bit then panicked and said ?we?re still not getting back together? or did he come round, say ?we?re not getting back together, but I fancy a quickie?? And there?s about 1000 shades of grey in between these two bookends, not to mention the fact both parties will be reading the situation differently. Ditto the kids ? hard to judge his actions. At one end of the spectrum maybe he?s walked, and done nothing to help with childcare etc, at the other end maybe Op?s withheld access or tried to use it to force contact, or put barriers etc in the way.

This really doesn?t seem to me a situation anyone can judge from what?s been given.

I don't agree that his response to the news of the debt is understandable or reasonable. OK, I can see how it would be a shock, but what he has done is not mature or in any way helpful either from the pov of the relationship or the problem of the debt. There are plenty of people who post on Relationships who have experienced all kinds of betrayal and they post from their homes, where they somehow manage to deal with children, babies, illness as well as their feelings. This man has gone off to sulk because he thinks his relationship can afford the luxury of his immaturity.

To flatly state that they must sell the house in order to instantly retire the debt is just silly, and to refuse to discuss anything yet to demand sex (taking the OP at face value here) is not on.

OTOH, OP, I do think you need to find out exactly where your family finances stand and see what steps you can take, see if you can present this twat with a plan of some sort, or evidence that you have contacted the creditor and that the debt repayment is not urgent. If he insists on his way or the highway, then you have to see where you will take the relationship from there.

You should also go to a solicitor and talk about your rights, if any, to the family home.

Sometimes, if you want someone to talk reasonably and they are sulking, it helps to ignore them for a while, and they come back to see what is distracting your attention. It used to work that way when the DCs sulked anyhow...

I don't think the OP is coming back to answer any of these questions ...

IMO there's nothing wrong with debt - many MNetters have it in the form of a mortgage, or a credit card bill.

But lying about debt is an issue!