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Original poster

I can't bear her pain

63 replies

Tokamak · 27/03/2011 18:51

Hello. I hope you all don't mind me, a man, posting here with this problem. I've lurked for some time and I know there are a lot of wise women here and I thought it might be the best place for some advice.

I've been married for 4 years to a lovely woman, but in the last year I seem to have fallen out of love with her. Or more accurately, fallen out of lust. I read somewhere else on here (sorry I can't remember where) that someone had simply stopped fancying her husband - as she put it as it was like a switch turning off in her head. That's exactly it! I don't feel any sexual passion for her any more, I don't fancy her and I don't know what to do about it. There's no-one else I fancy, so it's not that.

I've talked about it with my DW and she's devestated, to put it mildly. I've mentioned moving out, but she cries and cries and I can't bear it, all I want to do and what I actually do, is put my arms around her and comfort her, but that's weird isn't it? I do care about her a lot and I worry what will happen to her - she's very important to me in a lot of ways and really the thought of divorce fills me with horror. She's a really lovely person and deserves a lot of love. I do care for her a lot, but I just don't seem to have any plain old lust!

So I think what I'm really asking is of this has happened to anyone else. Is it possible to get back a feeling which seems dead? I would very much like to feel again what I once did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tokamak · 27/03/2011 18:52

Sorry that was long and a bit confusing. I just don'r know what to do.

OP posts:
laInfanta · 27/03/2011 18:55

I think if it's only lack of lust that's the problem you can get that back.

Are you sure there isn't anything else? Why don't you fancy her anymore?

Original poster
Tokamak · 27/03/2011 18:59

There's nothing else that I'm aware of. I have no idea what flipped the switch in my head and I'd do anything to get it flipped back.

OP posts:
Ormirian · 27/03/2011 19:00

If you don't fancy anyone else then maybe the problem lies with you? I don't mean that in an unkind way, but could you be stressed or do you have some underlying health problem?

I don;t think it's unusual to lose desire for a partner but I would suggest it;s unusual for a man to do so. In fact in all the years we've been together DH has always been 'up for it', it's usually my desire that has waned.

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 27/03/2011 19:04

Go to your doctor and get checked out to make sure it's not some physical problem. If not then try counselling to try and get to the bottom of why you feel this way.

Original poster
Tokamak · 27/03/2011 19:05

You're not coming over as unkind, Ormiran, it's a good point. I'm working 12+ hour days and under a lot of pressure at the moment, but I can't see how it would affect the way I feel about my wife.

OP posts:
Eurostar · 27/03/2011 19:06

Before you give up on it I'd be trying some psychotherapy to see if your thoughts are blocking your feelings.

I'd also be having a physical check up if you have lost your sex drive - could be low testosterone for instance.

There's all the things to try that are listed on other threads about relationships gone stale. Such as, start over on date nights, if you're a porn watcher, stop as it can desensitize etc.

jonicomelately · 27/03/2011 19:06

This is something practically everybody goes through at some stage. This is why people talk about having to work at a relationship. You are not in the least bit unique.

Original poster
Tokamak · 27/03/2011 19:07

Yes, an appointment at the doctors is definitely on the cards! It's not that I don't feel lust in general, just not for her, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
laInfanta · 27/03/2011 19:08

I do think it might be you, possibly connected with stress

Original poster
Tokamak · 27/03/2011 19:08

You are not in the least bit unique.

Ah now joni, that's what I want to hear!

OP posts:
blinks · 27/03/2011 19:09

i think, to an extent, going 'off' your partner if normal as long as it's fleeting... i think you should try to see each other with new eyes and see if that helps, for example meeting up for 'dates' and just enjoying each other's company.

i think, like anything a relationship only gets better if you invest time and effort in it.

Original poster
Tokamak · 27/03/2011 19:09

I'm not in to porn at all Eurostar, but I can see how that might affect things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tokamak · 27/03/2011 19:11

New eyes? Yes, that might be worth a try.

OP posts:
blinks · 27/03/2011 19:11

also, i think an intimacy is what you should be striving for at the moment, not necessarily to aim for looking at your wife and wanting to immediately shag her.

Original poster
Tokamak · 27/03/2011 19:12

Smile don't worry blinks, I know waht you mean.

OP posts:
jonicomelately · 27/03/2011 19:12

blinks is right. You've just probably let the rot set in. either work through it and have a future with this lovely lady or call it a day and find somebody new. Chances are you'll feel like this about the new one in due course. Then where will you be?

Original poster
Tokamak · 27/03/2011 19:12

or even what.

OP posts:
activate · 27/03/2011 19:13

I might be reading this wrong

but lust doesn't last

lust is for the start / development of a relationship beyond that it turns into love - and you need to work on a marriage / relationship it doesn't just happen

so if you're chasing the initial passion you can move on and then you'll continue to have the same pattern in your relationships

so work on the love aspect

work together on it

work on the romance part and you'll get bursts of passion

and enjoy the sex life

but lust for someone you've been with for years - it's rare

Original poster
Tokamak · 27/03/2011 19:14

You're right joni. And I DO want to work at it. I just wondered if anyone else here had managed to fall back in lust/love with their partner.

OP posts:
Ormirian · 27/03/2011 19:15

"but I can't see how it would affect the way I feel about my wife."

Well there you and I part company I think that working those sort of hours would affect the way I felt about many things. You still love her and care about her so it's just the 'physical' urges that have changed. But you are knackered and stressed so where's the big surprise?

Original poster
Tokamak · 27/03/2011 19:15

Thanks activate - that helps a lot.

OP posts:
jonicomelately · 27/03/2011 19:15

I fall in and out of love/lust with DP practically every other day Smile

Original poster
Tokamak · 27/03/2011 19:19

You do? Smile.

I'm so tired and sad at the moment. I want to make her happy and I don't want to hurt her, but right now I feel like a hamster on a wheel, forever running and getting nowhere.

OP posts:
washnomore · 27/03/2011 19:19

Do you laugh together?

DP and I have waxed and waned in our sexual enthusiasm over the years. But we're very good friends. This helps. Little things like a bottle of wine and a couple of hours playing Mario Kart together, or exchanging jokey texts, that sort of thing, along with lots of no-strings cuddles and passing affection really help to maintain a connection. By this I mean an embrace while one of us is making dinner, or a kiss in passing - with no suggestion of it meaning more, no expectation of more.

Are you physical in general, as a couple?

I think the point about lust not lasting is very true. There can be fleeting moments of it but it's never going to be the crazy intoxicating shagfest it was when you first met.