I can't bear her pain

[Tokamak]

Hello. I hope you all don't mind me, a man, posting here with this problem. I've lurked for some time and I know there are a lot of wise women here and I thought it might be the best place for some advice.

I've been married for 4 years to a lovely woman, but in the last year I seem to have fallen out of love with her. Or more accurately, fallen out of lust. I read somewhere else on here (sorry I can't remember where) that someone had simply stopped fancying her husband - as she put it as it was like a switch turning off in her head. That's exactly it! I don't feel any sexual passion for her any more, I don't fancy her and I don't know what to do about it. There's no-one else I fancy, so it's not that.

I've talked about it with my DW and she's devestated, to put it mildly. I've mentioned moving out, but she cries and cries and I can't bear it, all I want to do and what I actually do, is put my arms around her and comfort her, but that's weird isn't it? I do care about her a lot and I worry what will happen to her - she's very important to me in a lot of ways and really the thought of divorce fills me with horror. She's a really lovely person and deserves a lot of love. I do care for her a lot, but I just don't seem to have any plain old lust!

So I think what I'm really asking is of this has happened to anyone else. Is it possible to get back a feeling which seems dead? I would very much like to feel again what I once did.

can you imagine your dw with another man?

can you imagine yourself with another woman?

Because imagining these things about my dh and myself breaks my heart. Lust comes and goes, seriously it does. I'm quite sad that you told your wife that you didn't fancy her, but i guess it was the honest thing to do given your actions.

Why do you pull away from her, is it the guilt you feel because of the lack of you feelings???

You really need to work at love, it isn't easy and can be lost if one person stops putting effort into the soup pot.

Hope this works out for you both xx

You sound like a nice bloke Tokamak, and I hope you and your wife can work it out, one way or the other.
If it's to be a split, then she will get over you as well, and it might be the best for her. But I think you both deserve to know that you tried.

Is there a way back to a close and loving relationship where one of the parties have told the other that they dont fancy or dont feel sexually attracted to the other person any more?

You have given your wife a cruel and unnecessarily blow, and this without checking if the problem is with you. Naturally, your wife is heartbroken, so be prepared that she may not want to work for this relationship now. Telling your partner that you dont feel any passion for them any more, it takes a lot to recover from it, and has serious implications for the future. Both in regards to trust, and ability to stay and grow old together.

If you lose your passion for a young and beautiful woman, what will happen if she puts on weight through pregnancy, is ill, or when her body changes through child rearing, or in old age?

Will you stay with her? Or will you "pop" at her?

Does she now have full confidence that whatever happens in your life you will stand by her and love her?

I doubt it.

Have only just read the newer posts - damn work, just got home.

Blimey QS, that's made me think. I've always been honest in relationships so I thought I ought to be in this case. And yes the problem IS with me in that I lost it - which is why I wanted to tell her. But that's a right old cliche isn't it: "it's not you, it's me..."

I did use the words activate suggested last night and made it clear to her that I consider myself to be a right shit and that I do want to sort it out. She wants to as well, but perhaps you're right though QS and I've damaged us too much.

so you are a name changer and do have kids?

Oh dear.

Anyone for tea and ?

It was a very poor move to sit your wife down and tell her that you don't fancy her any more. Bear in mind that 'honesty' is overrated when it means 'saying something that's going to upset another person and feeling self-righteous about it because you;ve been honest when keeping your mouth shut would have been a better option.'
So the first thing to do is apologise thoroughly for that, and emphasise that you are going to sort yourself out.
There is a possibility this is health-related, you sound tired and stressed which can kill off the libido. ARe you taking any medication regularly, of any kind? Drugs for (for instance) high blood pressure, and some ADs, can kill the libido stone dead.

may I ask how old you both are?

whoops. nowt wrong with being a name changer is there, so no biggie.

i outed myself on a superbly embarrassing thread once.

I've just come across this website:

www.moresexdaily.com/

I haven't looked at it myself yet but it might be some help, at least to see that this is a common problem

if you've not looked at it yourself, why are you recommending it to people pray tell?

ha! I read about it in a newspaper article and it sounded interesting!

I'd recommend the classic, maybe a weekend break together somewhere