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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know this isn't really a MN thing but can someone please hold my hand.

84 replies

ShortArseFuck · 26/03/2011 11:41

My DP is coming over this afternoon around 2pm and I am going to tell him what my XH did, and what he's continuing to do

I really need my hand holding I'm scared shitless

OP posts:
flippinada · 27/03/2011 11:57

Oh yes.

To outsiders, XP was the reasonable one and I was the weird, difficult, awkward one that he was so good to put up with.

At least thats what I thought.

As a matter of fact when we split up (finally), so many people came out and said they never liked him and kept their opinions to themsleves because they didn't want to upset me.

flippinada · 27/03/2011 11:59

Anyway, I missed off the point of the post (yeah there was one :)) which is that a lot of people will be thinking the same about your XH!

Original poster
ShortArseFuck · 27/03/2011 12:04

Flippin - yep, that was me too.

He just manipulated me so well.

Just had a text off him to say "don't you dare put the girls on your census form as they are at mine tonight"

WTF?

First off, I can read the form and I know it's who is in your house overnight tonight

Second, WTF has it got to do with him?
GRRRRR

OP posts:
flippinada · 27/03/2011 12:11

Yeah, mine pulls shit like that as well.

I'm getting a lot better at just ignoring it now.

Original poster
ShortArseFuck · 27/03/2011 12:11

I am fucking raging.

how fucking dare he interfere

OP posts:
flippinada · 27/03/2011 12:21

I get that...then I remember that it doesn't actually matter what he thinks.

I get angry then I calm down.

Mind you he is probably not as full on as your XH. We are a few years down the line and he has married so the creepy control freakery is (I suspect) mostly directed at his wife.

Original poster
ShortArseFuck · 27/03/2011 12:23

It's like he's saying as he used to say all the time

you are so stupid you can't be trusted to fill in a form without my input.

bastard.

grrrrrrrr

ranting ranting ranting

OP posts:
clam · 27/03/2011 13:05

See, I couldn't let that pass. I'd have to reply along the lines of: "Don't you dare?" You seem to be confusing me with someone whose life you have some say in. For the record, I am perfectly able to read the form for myself.
Now fuck off.

But then according to DH, I'm a snippy so-and-so. Grin

flippinada · 27/03/2011 13:13

SAF - he's probably doing it precisely because he knows it will piss you off and he's hoping to get a response so he can draw you into an argument and make you being 'in the wrong' again (mine is past master at this).

Far better to rant on here and not respond at all, or respond neutrally (eg 'thank you for your comment, I'll bear that in mind").

Now that will piss him off more than anything, I guarantee it Grin.

flippinada · 27/03/2011 13:13

Sorry, I meant 'make you be in the wrong'.

Original poster
ShortArseFuck · 27/03/2011 13:14

I replied.

All I said was "Thanks for drawing that to my attention"

OP posts:
flippinada · 27/03/2011 13:17

Good reply :)

They really are infuriating - and they HATE to relinquish control.

I don't think mine has ever forgiven me for having the temerity to make a life for myself without his input.

Original poster
ShortArseFuck · 27/03/2011 13:21

He hates not getting a rise out of me, I know that.

I think I did the worst thing when I left and got on with my life.

He used to tell me I'd be nothing without him

Hmm
OP posts:
flippinada · 27/03/2011 14:05

Its amazing how these men almost seem to follow a script isn't it.

Original poster
ShortArseFuck · 27/03/2011 14:40

Yip.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 27/03/2011 16:26

Even years down the line when we had both married other people and had dcs from those relationships my ex still thought he could tell me where and when I could go on holiday and who with. When ds1 was 17, he and 2 of his friends skipped school the last day of term and came back to my house and drank most of our Christmas alcohol. They went back to school and ds1 collapsed. He ended up in Hospital on a drip. Ex's first words to me were "You won't kick him out will you?". He was scared his own son might end up on his doorstep. Angry While I wasn't happy with ds1, that wouldn't have even crossed my mind! The very next day, ex called SS and told them I was allowing underage drinking in my house and that I was risking the health of my children!

I would have been furious if it had been anyone else but him.

Original poster
ShortArseFuck · 27/03/2011 16:39

OMG lazarus

But yes, everything is obviously your fault. Surely you must see this Grin

OP posts:
lazarusb · 27/03/2011 18:01

Oh yes, absolutely. I don't know why I just don't see it Grin I'm glad you can see the funny side though SAF That means you are on the stronger side of this and he doesn't have the control over you he wants. You know you can do this. BTW, my ds was 5 when we left his dad so it was a long haul but so much better than staying with the fuckwit. At least I could shut the door with ds, dh and I behind it and feel safe and happy.

Original poster
ShortArseFuck · 27/03/2011 18:05
Grin

I just, I dunno, I have a feeling I'm going to be having a "talk" with DP soon.

This fucking about house to house and stuff is doing my head in.

I DO NOT mean I want to move in with him next week or anything but I want to have the where are we going in the long term talk - he wants us together I know that, but I just want to have The Talk and spell it out.

I also Blush want to talk to him about having kids - whether he really really thinks 49 is too old or whether he could be "persuaded" - I'm 40 plus so it might not happen but I'd like to know if he would like it to

And that doesn't make sense.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 27/03/2011 18:15

SAF Now is the time! Sit him down and get it into the open. Work out who wants what and where you can agree/disagree. I did the same with dh relatively quickly because I didn't want any more game playing IYSWIM. I just wanted to know where I stood. This could be the year you take control of your life and steer it in the direction YOU want it to go.
Spring is in the air, carpe diem!
It's a good job I don't know you - I'd be round there now geeing you on! Blush Grin

Original poster
ShortArseFuck · 27/03/2011 18:22

I thought I'd get flamed

Blush
OP posts:
lazarusb · 27/03/2011 20:58

Blimey love! Flamed for what? Having a horrible ex and daring to think about a future- especially with someone new? I think we are all just happy that you are another escapee who is under huge pressure at the moment but deserves to be - and will be- happy Smile Only you can take the steps to move this forward, I will watch with interest! Wink

Original poster
ShortArseFuck · 27/03/2011 20:59

Awh thanks. Just posted on my other thread about dropping the kids up - just GRRRRRRR he's an arse. End of Grin

I just thought people would think

a it's too soon to have someone else

b thinking of babies is nuts

LOL

OP posts:
lazarusb · 27/03/2011 21:00

Sorry, that makes me sound like a stalker, I'm not, honest Brew

lazarusb · 27/03/2011 21:03

You only get one life. Make the most of it. There was an overlap between meeting dh and leaving my ex, but I couldn't have left without his strength to carry me through (I had tried before). Life is too short to be unhappy and wondering 'what if?'.