I'm all mixed up & confused & don't know what to do.

[eroded]

Name changer here.
I don't know what to do about my marrage. I don't know where it went wrong.
To the outside world we look like a happy set up.
He is very controlling. I don't know when it started or when I began to be controlled.
He is very clever, very articulate.
Everything is my fault. He has a bad back. He's seeing a chiropracter. But he's still able to ride his bike & play football. His back is still bad though as he has to sleep on his side as he snores on his back. I have offered to sleep on the sofa but he won't have any of it.
He is Very Controlling with money. I am a sahm. If I did work, I'd be paying my wages in childcare. He earns a huge salary & has just had a bonus & payrise. I haven't seen any rise in the money going into the joint account in years & won't see any of the bonus money.
He does what he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it.
Due to the nature of his job, the hours & the travelling, I can't arrange to do anything as I don't know if he'll be around & I don't have anyone to babysit.
Even on the odd occasion I do go out (nothing exciting, just to a friends house of an evening) he tells me he hates it & wishes I was staying in with him. He sometimes says I'm abandoning them all!
He turns so much around on me.
He's so clever, I can't argue back with him.
I have no money to leave & nowhere to go in anycase.
Plus, I couldn't do anything rash for the sakes of the children. He is a good father.
I don't know why he has such little regard for me. He complains if I don't do something, like choose a holiday destination. But if I do something, make a decision, he poo-poos it.
I am scared of him.
On the odd occasion I have managed to say anything, he just says everyone hates him.
Very occasionally he has said to me if I ever left he'd leave me with no money.
I am so worn away & depressed. I just exist. I don't live.
Thank you for reading.

Oh wow - don't want this to go without response.

Have a look at the lundy bancroft thread (basically a brill book about abusers) - you might want to joint it as the readers of this book have a wealth of advice.

He does indeed sound controlling.

Your marriage seems to be all about him and his needs, what about yours?

He is keeping you tied to him by threatening you with the fact you will have no money, this would never happen if you go it alone as he has a responsiblity to support his children and you would receive help from tax credits etc.

Its concerning that you are with someone who controls you and you are scared of him, living like this would have an affect on your children.

You said you are scared of him. The marriage is over, if that's the case. He is a bully. Loving his threats of leave me and get nothing. What high standards this man has of fatherhood, not. He must maintain his kids.

I would get legal advice. Do you love him, even though you are scared of him?

I agree with giveitago about looking at the Lundy thread, good luck

"I am scared of him". That must be so hard. Your husband should not be someone you are scared of. I am glad you can see that he is controlling though that's got to be a good thing as you can then distance yourself from it and hopefully build up your strenght.

If he's saying I wont leave you with any money you can rest assured that the legal system wont allow for him not to give you half of his earnings/assets which have been acquired during your years of marrige. If he doesn't tell you where the money is, and as I can gather his line of work makes him money-wise (is he a banker or something?) then chances are its stashed somewhere abroad. What you have to do is keep a record of the times when he does get a bonus (write it down) and try to get an estimate of the sum at least. You should try to find bank statements and other financial statements (from investment trusts etc etc) to gather evidence of his actual financial standing. That way, if you ever choose to go down a divorce route his threat of leaving you pennieless can be challenged in court.

I've focussed on that one issue because I think if you know you realistically have options, and practical advice to achive a new reality for yourself and your dc, then you might be able to gain the confidence to end this.

A good father doesn't keep his children's mother a prisoner.

You can't go on like this.

Can you squirrel away money? Have you got somewhere you can go?

You sound like me a few years ago. It;s a horrid place to be, and only ended when on top of the rest of it, I discovered he was having an affair. That gave me the incentive to boot him out. He also threatened to make things financially difficult. I got a good lawyer and have just agreed maintenance of 50% of his (healthy) income..

Can you organise some counselling for yourself to build up your self esteem? As you get stronger, a good counsellor will support you to make the decisions you need to. Life doesn't have to always be like this. Mine is infinitely better now.

i would see a solicitor and get informed as to where you stand financially

Thank you for your replies.
I will reply more fully later & tomorrow as he's going away.
FourFortyFour I can't squirrel away money as I have enough for housekeeping & the such. I have nowhere to go.
Otherwise I'd be gone.

Saying that. I am so scared of what he'd do if I left. I wouldn't be able to tell him I was leaving. I'd have to up & leave. I know he will turn everything around on me. To outsiders he looks like & acts like the perfect husband.

I will try & gather together financial stuff.

He got us a joint account a few years ago after I stopped work. He pays "housekeeping" in to it. It's not joint. It's to control what I spend.

If you have enough for housekeeping then you can make economies.

Nothing will change, if you want out you have to make it happen.

Two words: Financial abuse.

eroded,

He is not at all clever although he thinks he is, others outside of all this can see exactly what he is doing to you and the resulting pain you are in. He is doing exactly what all the other controllers out there do and are doing to their chosen victim, they are following a script.

Your name describes exactly what has happened to you, you've been trodden down by him till you are now a shadow of your former self. Abusers as well are very plausible to those in the outside world; it is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

I would also second the suggestion made to read the Lundy Bancroft thread and his book entitled "Why does he do that?".

Controlling abuse (and you are in an abusive marriage) is often very insidious in its onset. this probably all started many years ago before you got married as well.

Women who are in such abusive marriages as well often write the "good father" comment when they themselves have nothing positive to write about their man. He is patently not a good father to his children if he is prepared to treat his wife, the mother to his children, abusively. Children learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents; what lessons do you yourself want to pass on to your own children about relationships?. Learning how to control others as your husband is doing (and also learnt most likely from his own parents) is no legacy to leave them.

Your children are learning damaging lessons from you both about relationships; you have options and you can access help. It is there; you need to take the first and some would say the hardest step, to access it.

Womens Aid can help you here, please call them. Controlling men are often angry men as well, they do not let go easily of their victim so you do need outside help in order to leave him. Please start talking about your own situation to family and friends, if you cannot bring yourself to do that because of your perceive shame, fear, embarrassment (all those are totally misplaced feelings by the way) talk to Womens Aid.

I am so sad for you. You shouldn't have to live like this and I agree this is not healthy for you or your DC's. Hope you feel strong enough to stand up to him eventually. Remember you are the only one who can change things. It's up to you. Good luck x

Thank you for all your replies. They are much appreciated.
I need to leave. I will have to somehow try to save.
I will have to act normal for a few months. DD has some important stuff coming up at school. Once that's out of the way I can go.
He knows something is up as I'm so miserable. I can't seem to act cheerful anymore.
He has told me I'm too sensitive & he has to walk on egg shells around me.
He has told me he is up early every morning & works very hard & is doing his best for us.
He does get up early & he does work hard. I can't argue with that.
I don't know how we will go & where we will go.
Rents are very expensive around here. I've no idea what I would be entitled to. I can't see a solicitor as I can't afford it.

www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

I found that. It's so true.

Noone knows what he's really like. He is so charming & nice.
I wonder, does he know what he's doing?
Last night he said if I didn't like him we could have a divorce. It won't happen btw. He has said that as an emotional thing. You know, to show how much I'm hurting him. He has said he can go & live in a bedsit.
He's away till this evening.
I dread him getting home.

You need to tell him how you really feel.

FourFortyFour
I have over the years. I really have tried to talk to him. He turns it all around on me. I am too sensitive. I should ignore his "nastiness". He says he knows he's a miserable bastard but he saiys be isn't perfect & has faults & I should accept them.
So I feel like, well I'm not perfect either. I mean, who is?
He had an affair 5 years ago. Looking back, he turned it all on me. At the time, I was so shocked & too scared to leave that I just agrred to put it all behind us.
He was "good" for a good while afterwards. I did my best to be a better wife. {raises eyebrows}
He is such hard work. I try & try & try but it isn't good enough. I feel like he moves the goal posts. Which is ironic as football is his world! ha ha!

Are you happy or sad for the majority of the time? Honestly.

Can you try to find out where all that extra money is going? Get copies of statements, certificates etc? It will make it easier to get a decent settlement if you have an idea of where he is squirreling the money, because he won't be able to lie and hide it. Have a look whilst he is out.

I understand you are waiting until your DD gets through a certain period in school before you leave, but you can get advice and start planning for it now. Good luck

Am certain as well that some of your friends have their suspicions about him.
I reiterate, abusers like your man can be very plausible to those in the outside world.

He holds a great deal of power in your relationship but you are truly not as powerless as you think you are although you think you are. Nor is he as clever as he thinks he is.

He's really rubbing your nose in it by having an affair as well and is taking you for an utter fool. He knows exactly what he is doing, sees no wrong at all in hurting you his wife as he has and is doing now. Dreading him coming home is truly no life for you or your children to be witnessing.

You are afraid yes but only you can make your own life better and without his malign prescence in it. He's away today; use this opportunity to talk to Womens Aid. They can and will help you.

What's your daughter learning from the two of you about relationships?. She may indeed have some important school stuff coming up (exams?) but this is no reason to hang on in there and get further eroded by him. You've cited this and a lack of money to not leave. No problem is insurmountable though, you have to believe that you can leave him.

Many solicitors do a free 30 minute consult so a lack of funds here would not be an issue. Also the CAB is free to users.

You are in a hole but you can do yourself a big favour by digging your way out and not growing flowers in it.

God, how awful. I really feel for you.

If you have no money you could go to a refuge for a while, if you feel the need to get out now. I don't know anything about finding a local refuge, but perhaps others can steer you in the right direction. And yes, you must set some money aside if you can. Take out the normal amount of money for housekeeping, but set aside a portion every week. I'd advise you to open your own account, perhaps with a paperless online bank (First Direct, for instance), for this purpose.

And go and see a solicitor now and get the lowdown on your legal rights. Often your initial meeting will be free and you might qualify for legal aid if you have no money of your own or be able to pay your solicitor upon settlement.

In England it's normal when a married couple divorce for the financial assets accrued during that marriage to be split 50/50. If your husband has squirrelled away most of that money he can still be held to account, so don't be worried that he'll leave you penniless - that's what lawyers are for and he knows this - he's just threatening you so you'll be too afraid to leave.

You should try and figure out a) how much he has earned per year since you married and b) what bonuses he has received on top of that. The mother usually gets to keep the children and the house, to cause children minimal disruption. The father usually gets to have the kids every second weekend, plus half of school holidays, if he wants that and unless the father (or mother, for that matter), can be proved to be abusive.

Please reach out for help - it is out there and you're not alone.

Be prepared at some point for him to say he will fight you for the children and that because he is rich and plausible he will get them. Do not believe him. You as the primary carer are in the very best position to have residence, though of course he will (and in most cases should) have access rights, assuming he's still interested in being a father when he can't control their mother. You are not an unfit mother and he can't "prove" you are. You will have care of the children, and the law states he will have to pay towards their keep and yours too, the latter dependent on circumstances.

And yes, I agree with the others, he does know what he's doing. He's even told you that's what he's like and you have to put up with it. Actually, you don't have to put up with it.

Women's Aid and Citizens Advice for your first two stops.

If you get a divorce, everything owned by those in the marriage goes into a pot and gets divided 50/50 as a starting point.

Ah, just seen ^^ What they said ;o)

I'm thinking about this so much. I am beginning to think I've imagined everything. It feels so real. Now I've made a decision. It's horrible.
I wish I'd kept it buried.
How will I act normal when he comes home.
I need to act normal for a while as I need to sort sime stuff out before we leave.
I feel so on edge. Very jumpy.

eroded, the easter holidays are coming up, could you arrange to go and visit frineds or family for the holidays, without him? Just you and the kids? Will give you the headspace you need to sort things out wihtout having to pretend everything's normal.

Good luck, sounds like you are making the right decision, and sometimes that is the hardest step.