I'm all mixed up & confused & don't know what to do.

[eroded]

Name changer here.
I don't know what to do about my marrage. I don't know where it went wrong.
To the outside world we look like a happy set up.
He is very controlling. I don't know when it started or when I began to be controlled.
He is very clever, very articulate.
Everything is my fault. He has a bad back. He's seeing a chiropracter. But he's still able to ride his bike & play football. His back is still bad though as he has to sleep on his side as he snores on his back. I have offered to sleep on the sofa but he won't have any of it.
He is Very Controlling with money. I am a sahm. If I did work, I'd be paying my wages in childcare. He earns a huge salary & has just had a bonus & payrise. I haven't seen any rise in the money going into the joint account in years & won't see any of the bonus money.
He does what he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it.
Due to the nature of his job, the hours & the travelling, I can't arrange to do anything as I don't know if he'll be around & I don't have anyone to babysit.
Even on the odd occasion I do go out (nothing exciting, just to a friends house of an evening) he tells me he hates it & wishes I was staying in with him. He sometimes says I'm abandoning them all!
He turns so much around on me.
He's so clever, I can't argue back with him.
I have no money to leave & nowhere to go in anycase.
Plus, I couldn't do anything rash for the sakes of the children. He is a good father.
I don't know why he has such little regard for me. He complains if I don't do something, like choose a holiday destination. But if I do something, make a decision, he poo-poos it.
I am scared of him.
On the odd occasion I have managed to say anything, he just says everyone hates him.
Very occasionally he has said to me if I ever left he'd leave me with no money.
I am so worn away & depressed. I just exist. I don't live.
Thank you for reading.

They would be devestated tbh.
Daughter has fraught relationship with him. But she is hard work so it's also fraught with me!
Son gets on Very Well with him as they have the shared football interest.
Toddler none the wiser obviously!

You say DH would be devastated too if you were to leave. Do you think this means he might be willing to change? Is he able to change?

Do you think that you might get him to respect you more by not being such a house slave. If he earns so much money, tell him that he has the kind of status where he should have a cleaner and a gardener and meals out, and get him to up the housekeeping to cover that. Then sign up for some kind of course outside the home, or join a running club or gym, or bookclub, so that you can get out and make some friends to give you back some confidence. You also need to have enough money to employ a babysitter - have you asked? (I know you shouldn't have to ask, but in your case, you do need to). If you achieve this increased independence, then you will either find that you are both much happier or, if not, then at least you will be able to point out an amount of money that he can afford to pay when you split (the raised housekeeping) and have the confidence to leave more easily.

DC are very resilient, you know, and they would still see their father if you split up. Given his long hours, they might actually see MORE of him as he would likely have sole care some weekends.

You sound miserable. I hope you can find your way out of this situation.

Building upon what Amy's said, I would add that you might want to seriously consider seeing a counsellor together to take things forward, if you want to stay with him. You say that you don't verbally stand up to him or fight your corner (8% of his bonus? Really? 8%?! So that's 92% to him, is it?), and that he's probably already thought through the ways to argue against you in advance (he might just come up with them on the spot, of course). That's why you should have a counsellor mediate between you.

DH and I went to relationship counselling. He had expected the counsellor to say that I was totally unreasonable, everything was my fault and he was a wonderful person to put up with me. It became clear to him very quickly that she was not going to say anything of the sort, and I think one of the most devastating things she did say was that he was the unreasonable one (she even - when he was telling her about how I shouldn't have hot baths - burst out with "but it's none of your business!").

He only agreed to go because I said I'd divorce him if he didn't.

Get legal advice and start planning. You need advice on your financial position but also about what you are entitled to. Citizens advice or local advice centre can advise you for free about benefits and social housing for free.

You need to ask them about what proof you need to amass to ensure you are not viewed as being intentionally homeless if you need to apply for council housing. You might even be able to approach your local council before you leave to start the application process in confidence just make sure you give clear instructions on who and where post can be directed. But get advice first.

Be prepared. I know what I am talking about.

I don't normally advocate lying but can you ask for increase in housekeeping as it's well documented prices are increasing. Could you also create other things that you need money for or inflate cost of activities of clothing etc?

Jesus, sounds like you are married to my ex husband!! After I left him I realised that his behaviour was emotional blackmail, if he didn't get what he wanted he'd ignore me for, sometimes, weeks on end to get his own way. I used to have to catch the bus to work because we only had one car - but he worked from home! I'd have to ask him to spend money on anything, yet I earned half the money, the list of things could go on and on.

I left because there is no way he would change and I doubt very much your husband will change. People like this don't actually see they are doing anything wrong, and to change they have to accept they are wrong and that will never happen.

It was hard to leave, financially and emotionally because if you've lived with this controlling behaviour for so long you almost lose your self. You might think you are not capable of living without him to support you but you will and you'll be all the better for it.

Get yourself advice on the finance side of things, as others have said, and get out!! After the initial shock you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner as there is so much more out there for you!

I have a lot of thinking to do.

I cannot talk to him. This is a BIG ISSUE. I have told him he is impossible to talk to.

He has changed over the years believe it or not. He used to be FAR worse than this. I was hidiously depressed at the time, so I put it down to me. It was only when I nearly had a breakdown & he had an affair that things picked up.

I thought things were fine, as I'm very good at burying things. Hence us having baby #3.

His behaviour must affect my dd. This morning she said she needed mouth wash. So I said tell her dad to get it in Boots tomorrow when they're in town. She said to me he might moan & say it's too expensive. Says a lot really doesn't it.

I need to get through April cos of the school holidays & bank holidays & go from there. He has a week off as well.

I will try & document his behaviour during that week.

I also don't want to pick holes in him though.

Once he next goes away on a business trip I shall go through all the documents. In the loft are all his bank statements, from even before I was with him! In the past I have nagged him to get rid, but I think they will come in Very Useful for me!

there's an NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) thread that you should look at. My dad was npd, could not understand why my mum stayed with him, was relieved when they split.

Didn't mean to stop this in its tracks, sorry. Hope you are doing okay, OP. Do come back and tell us all how you are after the weekend.

Thank you podsquash x
I have read about NPD. Blimey, it's an eyeopener!
He has been fine on the weekend.
Lovely, like a proper husband.
And when he's like that, I wonder WTF I have been moaning about.

Mmmm...I read some of the NPD stuff that says they know when they need to reel you back in, gain your confidence again, but that the old patterns reassert themselves in due course. All your previous posts came from somewhere, though, didn't they? You didn't just make all of it up. Although controlling types are very good at making you feel like you are the crazy one, of course

pod, you are right.
This stuff happens.
Then it gets me down.
Then he's normal for a while.
IU'm such a pushover & an "anything for an easy life" type person though, that I'm "happy" now he's being nice.
Perhaps I really am crazy.

You're not crazy. You've spent years in an abusive situation and its not easy to get out at all. Even when you decide its what you want, its really not that easy to go and get.
I'm in a similar situation been trying to leave for months now but just keep finding myself reeled back in, sucked under and unfortunately getting myself more and more depressed as a result. Its gotten so far now that I find myself close to anxiety attacks and I've been having nightmares.
He just constantly picks at me, picks at my family, picks at every little thing that he doesn't find is up to his standard. If you disagree with him about the colour of the sky he will turn it into several other arguements. Verbal abuse abounds. He is only nice when he needs something emotionally or wants sex. He leaves me so angry and low I feel utterly suffocated. I felt honestly suicidal recently but I have children I could never do that to them.
Last week there was a tragedy in his family and he turned to me for support which I gave as he cried. Two days later I myself was in agony due to a muscoskeletal disorder and could barely move about the house and he accused me of being selfish because of what he was going through. I felt so hurt as I can't pick and choose when I am going to suffer badly with pain. He has never understood the illness I have. I honestly don't believe he cares about me. Though every time I ttry to pick up the courage to leave he pleads that he will change and he cant lose me.
And yes. he also tried to make out I was the crazy one. He is an absolute narc though. I am currently trying to pluck up the courage to see womens aid/counseller to discuss my options.