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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I forgive my mum?

28 replies

OneDove · 24/03/2011 23:22

Ok. Long story but ... parents divorced when I was 11. Mum quickly took up with (call him C) . I always felt uncomfortable around him. As I got older he essentially emotionally abused me and an element of sexual abuse went on from 14-17. They threw me out of home at 17. Since then after years of ignoring this abuse, once i became pregnant I issued an ultimatum to my mum. I can not have this man near my baby daughter due to what he did to me. Sadly my mum chose to remain in a relationship with C.
I now have another child after 4 years of no contact with my mum. My daughter is now asking who my mum is?
I feel guilty my mum missing out on grand parenting my beautiful children. But she is still with this abusive man. She chose him over me.
Do I try and build bridges with her or just continue excluding her from my beautiful children?
I still have difficulty understanding her choice as she knows what he did to me. Still she wants to be with him?!

OP posts:

Doha · 24/03/2011 23:29

She made her choice 4 years ago.

Do you really want to expose your DC's to a woman who chose her sexually abusive DP over her abused DD.

Protect your Dc's and don't fail them as she did you

brass · 24/03/2011 23:34

What are you thinking? Why on earth would you put your precious children in the firing line of these 2 losers?

If your mum is a rubbish mum to you she is going to be an even worse granny to them. He isn't even worth talking about.

Stay away. Or do you want them feeling the same in a few years 'why didn't mum protect us from Granny and C?'.

amberleaf · 24/03/2011 23:38

It must be really hard for you i imagine you may miss the grandparent relationship but as others have said you cannot expose your children to them ever.

Original poster

OneDove · 24/03/2011 23:40

Logically I know I dont want to expose them to him. But she still has a relationship with my little sister who he did the same too. Mum still visits her and calls her without any input from him. As a mother I don't understand why she condones what he did to her daughters? Can I allow her visits without him? It's really sad she is missing out?

OP posts:

NimpyWindowmash · 24/03/2011 23:42

Would it be possible for your mum to have contact with the children without her partner ever being present? Do you even want her to? It sounds like you might be ready to forgive her, or at least talk to her. The danger is raking up stuff for you that hurts you.

Original poster

OneDove · 24/03/2011 23:58

Thats my dilemma really. She could have a relationship with my children but it feels hypocritical. It would be allowing it in the face of what she has condoned. I think she would happily be a good grandmother while still not acknowledging what happened to me.

OP posts:

BooyHoo · 25/03/2011 00:12

this woman makes bad choices in the people she involves in her life. do not let her bad choices spill over into your DD life. she clearly doesn't see the abuse to you as a big enough reason to eject this man from your lives so she wouldn't see him as a risk to your DD. she does not place child safety above her relationship with this man. do not trust her with your DD.

LittleMissHissyFit · 25/03/2011 00:22

Wait until he is dead.

Then reconsider.

Imagine doing to your daughter what she did to you. Then see if you think she was right.

she chose a sick pervert over her own daughter. Why would that betrayal be rewarded with contact with a GC?

Your DD won't have any positive influence from your mother.

My mum fell out with her mum. They didn't see each other for very nearly 30 years. I didn't meet mum's mum until I was 23. Ok the reasons are different, but you can explain that your mum made choices and decisions that you wished she hadn't, and for now, it's not possible for you and her to have a relationship.

Oh your mum will brush all that under the carpet... you know she will.

Trust your instinct. This scenario is a world away from the situation my mum found herself in with her mother. Choices like that, a guy over your own daughter especially where there is abuse... no contest. No contact.

You are doing the right thing in staying away IMHO.

Tortington · 25/03/2011 00:28

your mum is clearly a shit.

in your situation i wouldn't see her for all the money in the world. or let her anywhere near my family

DioneTheDiabolist · 25/03/2011 00:40

If you want your mum to have a relationship with your children, then it will have to be under your supervision. If not yours, then in supervised contact.

I think that if you feel strong enough, then this an opportunity to challenge your mum on her behaviour.

I understand that you still love your mum, she let you down but she is still your mum. Does she want contact with you and your children?

MadAboutQuavers · 25/03/2011 00:57

Your mum is a crap mum, Onedove

She's likely to be a crap grandmother as well

And she certainly shouldn't be rewarded by having GCs

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/03/2011 08:12

Sod feeling guilty towards your mother - your mother should have guilt in spades and yet her actions suggest otherwise.

I would not want your selfish toxic mother around either yourself or your children even now. Your mother chose you over this man and continues to do so.

She will also likely continue to deny the abuse you suffered at her partner's hands if challenged. I would also agree with the assertion made too that toxic selfish mother - toxic selfish grandparent.

zikes · 25/03/2011 09:19

Don't feel guilty: it was her choice. Your kids don't need a grandmother who would put a relationship with a man before the welfare of children.

Anniegetyourgun · 25/03/2011 10:59

What sort of dodgy things might she teach your DDs about relationships? Nothing you'd want them to learn, I'll be bound.

drivingmisscrazy · 25/03/2011 11:06

I think the fact that you are asking the question at all is a credit to you; but the terms in which you've framed the question provide your answer. IMHO the issue here is about how to explain the situation to your DD - it's hard to have to tell them at such an early age that some people aren't good or nice people and that they do things to others that hurt them. I can't tell you what to say, but you will need to reassure her that her relationship with you is secure, and that she will always be safe and happy. Others with more relevant experience I hope will be able to advise you on how much to tell her at this stage.

Original poster

OneDove · 25/03/2011 12:32

Thank you so much for all your replies.
I think the bottom line is as a lot of you have suggested....why should she be rewarded with seeing her GC after what she did to me.
Interesting that some of you stated she may deny what had happened.
I did challenge her about it all when my first DD was 6 months. She basically was silent and upset. I kept pushing and finally said , you know what he did , how can you choose him. You do believe me don't you?
She replied 'I dont know'
It hurt so much that she thinks I may be lying about it, but I think its the only way she can cope being with him, if she thinks it never happened.
I shall stay strong and deal with my dd questions as they arise.
The fact is I would never put such a person over my children. It seems absurd a mother could do that. It makes me more determined to ensure my children have a loving upbringing.
Thank you everyone xxxxx

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 25/03/2011 13:19

You can only forgive someone who wants to be forgiven, who accepts that they did something wrong.

It doesn't sound like that's the case here.

garlicbutter · 25/03/2011 13:58

The kind of forgiveness I have for my mum is made up of understanding why she did what she did and didn't do what a normal mother would. My forgiveness is more for my own benefit, as it involves acceptance that the shit did happen and I was the child it happened to. I accept that it's my responsibility to fix my damage and my mother is incapable to help. She wants big-style forgiveness, and I have allowed her to think she's got it.

She is toxic around my nephews & nieces, not through overt abuse but through her own inadequacies and through holding the beliefs that she does. If I had my own children, I would allow limited contact in my presence - christmas, birthsays and the odd family lunch. I would not have allowed my father any contact, he punched the DCs when they could barely walk.

Each person's choice is their own to make and, really, your criteria should be YOUR feelings. If you feel bad about letting her into your family, then don't. You can show your DCs pictures, etc, tell them your parents' names and explain that she was not a nice mummyto you. They'll presumably hear about her from their cousins at some point, so no point making her into a big secret (I don't think this is a good idea anyway). Just say it's better for them not to spend time with her just now. Focus instead on whichever sane older women are in their lives.

MoistTowelette · 25/03/2011 13:59

Stay the hell away. She is in a relationship with a man who sexually abuses children.

Doha · 25/03/2011 17:18

She is actively shielding a paedophille. Sorry to be blunt but l would have nothing but contempt for your mum.
She didn't belive you or she chose not to acknowledge that she believed you.
Either way she deserves nothing from you.

brass · 25/03/2011 17:25

she didn't believe either of her two daughters!

That really takes some doing doesn't it? Ignore and deny both children saying the same thing.

droves · 25/03/2011 17:30

Onedove im sorry for what you suffered as a child/teen.

Your mum is as guilty as the monster who abused you ...she stood by and did nothing to protect you.

I believe there is a special place in hell for people like them .
May they be slow -roasted for a very long time.

Keep your precious daughters away from them.

FuppyGish · 25/03/2011 17:32

did your sister tell her what he did too? If so she can't think both of you are lying can she? She's obviously in deep denial.

You certainly shouldnt let her anywhere near your dc. I also think if you're feeling strong enough, that you should report him, he could be doing it still to other children.

Hassled · 25/03/2011 17:37

I can't begin to understand her choice either but it's a choice she made. And yes, the "I don't know" response is the only way she can live with herself - as long as she can convince herself that maybe it's not true, she can sleep at night and stay with the man she presumably loves (or who has some sort of hold over her). It's crap, and I'm sorry. I don't think I could forgive her in your position - and I don't even think you should. Certainly don't do it for your DCs' sake - lots of children don't have a grandmother around for whatever reason.

AKissIsNotAContract · 25/03/2011 17:41

Would you consider contacting the police? This thread had a positive outcome for a lady who did just that:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/816671-Toxic-Dad-150-sorry-a-bit-complex

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