Domestic violence... can it only happen the once?

[sprinklingsparkles]

Hi, my sister 2 weeks ago was viciously attack by her boyfriend of 8 months.

she is now 'thinking' about going back to him! (we suspect she already is) the night of the attack, she was punched, strangled, dragged off the bed and generally thrown around. she came to mine, and we went to the police.

He was arrested and cautioned. she left him and he was kicked out of the shared house they both lived in.

she now is full of the whole 'he's changed' 'i'll leave him if he does it again'

I know its her choice and i can't butt in. but im scared for her, i also have to take a step back as my 3yo saw the state my sister was in and the police come round. and i really don't want my 3yo to ever see that again.

Can things like this really be a one off? im unconvinced, but really could do with a little hope.

no it's never a one off. She should get out immediately. But at the end of the day it has to be her choice I'm aftraid.

No an attack like that after 6 m is just the begining. She will end up dead if she goes back.

If he's capable of that then I doubt it's a one off sadly. THere's nothing you can really do except be there for her. I have a friend like this, she goes from one abuser to the next and it makes me so sad :( She has just started CBT for her self esteem but tbh I don't hold out much hope- she has just got back with her boyfriend of a few months who seems just like the last ones.

I very much doubt it. And I doubt there's never be anything controlling or abusive in his behaviour up until this attack.

been

nah

never tell her to leave though
just be there

i sit 17 previous offences before a woman goes to coppers?

Unfortuantely it usually doesnt just happen the once. It gets worse. I would advise your sister to be very very careful. If he has done it once he will for sure do it again.

These words are from the Police too I'afraid.
She has been living in an abusive relationship if they get back together she will for sure live in it again.

I don't think so. Someone who reacts like that and uses force and violence in a difficult situation/argument is dangerous.

That doesn't sound like a one off, no

What has changed in the last 2 weeks?

Surely if the police were involved they would alert SS to a child being present in a house with a violent man?

Thank you. i know this won't end well. she admitted to us last week that he would walk her to work and pick her up after every shift. and wouldn't let her work in a pub. its classic abusive behavior. and i fear she will be more isolated now as there is no way he will be allowed anywhere near any of the family.

she now does work in the pub as she went back just after she left him. so we will see how long that last.

On a selfish point of view im so angry she has done this, i just want to scream at her and tell her not to be so stupid and selfish. i know it will achieve nothing but its not just her all this affects.

it's all so

Scarlett, they have no children thank god. it was my dd that was woken when my sister came to my house when she got away from him. sorry i should have said.

I can understand why you're angry and why you want to step back but she will probably really need you in the future.

Please make sure she knows she has support or where to find it if she needs it.

no

My sister has said he's gone to the doctors and is getting help, but that won't last forever. especially in this town. resources here for mental health is almost non-existent.

Can you get her to come on here? Did you see this recent thread? Nothing will get through to someone who is in that denial phase until they are ready to realise for themselves. You just have to be there for her - and keep pointing her to resources which might help her get to that stage sooner.

I think if your sister reads the book 'why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft it may help her to realize that her so called 'boyfriend' will almost certainly NEVER stop being abusive to her.

Abusive men don't change !

Abusers almost always say they will get help. Few of them mean it - it's just that they think saying they have 'tried' is a free ticket back into the relationship.

Of the few who really do try only a tiny percentage do change. There is hardly any decent provision for it in this country - mainly things like anger management, cbt and counselling, none of which are appropriate - and there is something in the mindset which allows someone to be abusive which means they tend not to respond well to even specialist DV therapy.

You should definitely get a copy of and read the book "Why Does He Do That?" - and lend it to your sister too if you think there's even a slight chance she might read it. It's an excellent read for someone in the stage she's at as it recognises this desparate hope victims have for their abusers to change, and then in a non-patronising way it outlines all the conditions required for this to happen (ie that it's unlikely, but without saying that) and also tells you signs to look for that an abuser is changing, and behaviours and signs that they are not, many of which are unobvious.

X-posted Jemma! :)

Thank you all for your replies, i will have a look at that book you mentioned. I'm struggling see how im going to be there for her. I really believed she wouldnt go back. he has obviously got to her. Im devestated!

no it doesnt stop it gets worse but talk to her and give her chance to make a decision because is not that easy to quit.

He's had a good few months to work on her, erode her self-esteem and become her world. The intensity of the relationship is such she's kind of addicted: it's hard for her to see his control isn't love.

It often takes several attempts to leave an abusive relationship. I know it's very hard to watch her do this, but try to keep your door open to her.

Well, very very occasionally there can be one violent assault and no repeats. However, this is generally when the voilent assault is triggered by the attacker having some sort of mental health issue which gets treated, or if the attacker assaulted the victim due to drink or drugs which the attacker then stops taking.
A man who is already behaving like a textbook abuser isn't going to improve. BertieBotts mentioned that there is something about abusers which makes them resistant to therapy. That;s true: abusive men are intensely misogynistic and entitled - they think that it's OK to assault their partners, because their partners are only 'women' and therefore their property with whom they can do what they like. It;s almost impossible to get an abusive man to understand the concept that women are human beings.