Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic violence... can it only happen the once?

41 replies

sprinklingsparkles · 24/03/2011 17:36

Hi, my sister 2 weeks ago was viciously attack by her boyfriend of 8 months.

she is now 'thinking' about going back to him! (we suspect she already is) the night of the attack, she was punched, strangled, dragged off the bed and generally thrown around. she came to mine, and we went to the police.

He was arrested and cautioned. she left him and he was kicked out of the shared house they both lived in.

she now is full of the whole 'he's changed' 'i'll leave him if he does it again'

I know its her choice and i can't butt in. but im scared for her, i also have to take a step back as my 3yo saw the state my sister was in and the police come round. and i really don't want my 3yo to ever see that again.

Can things like this really be a one off? im unconvinced, but really could do with a little hope.

OP posts:
JaquiChanFeelsBlue · 24/03/2011 22:06

Sprinkling, I have the Lundy book going spare if you want it.

PeterAndreForPM · 24/03/2011 22:08

that is really kind, jaq

BertieBotts · 25/03/2011 14:50

Yes - added to what springchicken said - Imagine you have a pet dog. You would probably consider that you treated him well, looked after him properly, most people would say they treat their pets with respect and love them. A lot of people consider their pets "part of the family". But treating a pet respectfully and with love is very different from the way you would treat another human that you respect. For instance, you wouldn't serve their food on the floor from a can, or keep them shut in at night, only taking them out on a lead (small children excepted!) or make them sleep in the coldest room of the house. And if someone said you should stop doing these things to your pet and start treating them like a human, you'd think they were mad. And I think it's very much like that. An abusive partner might think he loves his wife, he might think he's treating her respectfully. But after all, she's only a woman, she should know her place. So that love isn't equal, and the respect is completely offset by the fact he thinks she is worth less. And so if someone tries to explain their point of view he doesn't understand because he already does love and respect her - to afford her more of his love and respect is just as incomprehensible as it would be if someone tried to explain to you that dogs are really human, just like us.

HMTheQueen · 25/03/2011 15:01

Bertie - that's a great explanation. Smile

BertieBotts · 25/03/2011 15:14

:) It makes more sense than me than the one in the book about the piece of land, I couldn't get my head around that comparison at all.

Wamster · 25/03/2011 15:53

In the case of your sister I would say that he will certainly attack her again if she stays with him.

I can only advise that you are there for her and call her frequently letting her know this. You don't have to be over the top, just be a constant presence in her life and offer support.

Leopardino · 25/03/2011 16:16

Does it really matter whether it will happen again? It happened once and it's unforgiveable

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/03/2011 16:58

Bertie: that's genius!

Wamster · 25/03/2011 17:21

Maybe, BertieBotts, but then a lot of men who consider women to be lesser than them don't necessarily abuse them. For example, a lot of men may consider women to be not as good as them in many ways but still don't mistreat them. A sort of 'poor little woman. I must protect her' attitude. It's sexist as hell that is for sure, but it is not abusive.

Also, I think some abusive behaviour is prompted by a knowledge that the woman is better than the abuser.
It's just plain old-fashioned jealousy that prompts the behaviour- a desire to bring someone else down.

I think your analogy is great at explaining some abusive behaviour, but not for all.

Original poster
sprinklingsparkles · 25/03/2011 23:05

JaquiChanFeelsBlue - Thank you so much. that would be fantastic! do i message you my details?

Wamster - thank you, i have decided to do just that, and be here for her and to be 'normal' towards her. not sure how to approach it if hes around, i will not have him near me or my family, but dont want to push her away iykwim?

and yes i think it could be jealousy that is the core of this, my sister is working and he is not, and it seems that the controlling behaviour and arguments started when she got her job a couple of months into the relationship.

OP posts:
JaquiChanFeelsBlue · 26/03/2011 23:05

Sprinkling...pm me with your address and I will post on Monday.

JaquiChanFeelsBlue · 29/03/2011 07:41

Posted yesterday, hopefully with you today.

NicknameTaken · 29/03/2011 10:09

I just wanted to add that abusive men who strangle/choke their partners are the highest risk category. Sorry, OP, I don't want to add to your anxiety. Don't let her boyfriend close down her communication with you and your family. Even if it's a matter of calling into her workplace every now and then, make sure you remain in close contact with her.

Original poster
sprinklingsparkles · 29/03/2011 20:53

Thank you Jaqui.

Nickname - Thanks, yeah we have all talked and cried alot. as it stands she is saying she knows what the risks are. and has promised that if he does it again she will leave for good. we have no choice but to support her as the more people express their concern with her the more she push us away.

We all have an understanding and she knows we are here for her and we are going nowhere!

So i suppose we play the waiting game now. Sad

OP posts:
thekidsrule · 29/03/2011 21:47

cant say anymore than whats been posted really,all true from my experience and no doubt if you had knowledge of his previous relationships id put money that this wasnt the first time hes done this

been out of a very similar relationship for only 2months and still getting hassle from him (longest ive broken it of)together 3yrs im ashamed to say and it only got worse

she may well go back but as many of us know only she will be able to stop this,just be there for her as hard as it may be if she does go back,post on her i found it fantastic for support,just reading other posters threads gave me strength and now private message a MNer who has been throught similar

hope things work out for your sister and you

Original poster
sprinklingsparkles · 06/04/2011 22:26

SHES LEFT HIM

She just text me. so i called her back. Apparently she only went back because she thought she still felt something for him and that the anger would subside. But it didnt.

She said she still hated him, he was still always hanging around her and trying to hug her, but she didnt want him too touch her. so realised she was still angry and hated him.

So she finished it! Im so relieved im nearly in tears.

Thank you all for your replies and help. Lets hope this is the end of it.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread