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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Having a mental affair and don't know what to do

59 replies

plentysunshine · 24/03/2011 16:06

first of all, plz don't be judgemental,until it happens, i didn't know I can still enjoy life...

My marriage has lost its shine for a long time. we both try to be good parents but above that,me and DH have lost communication,romance,passion, even sex...all out of window...

recently I met a guy on social net, we got on really well and he was very attractive. he made me so happy. I can't help smiling when I think about him.I started to have strong feelings about him, he responded well and insisted to meet-up. but then i told him i am married and children, he's upset and wind down a bit. he said if I don't love my DH anymore then I should leave him and give us a chance. I felt miserable when I think about losing him(let's call him A) because he said he wouldn't wait on for me if i don't make a decision.

now the Q is, although we've ben talking and emailing , I've told A my feelings, he hasn't told me he felt the same way about me, he insisted he needed to meet me first. but it's difficult in my situation as I don't want to risk everything just for an uncertain relationship. but, he's really cute and I like him a lot. And, he lives in the other side of the earth.

about my dh, he's a nice decent man, but i can't picture spending the rest of my life with him...

what should I do?

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 24/03/2011 16:09

You know you should leave your marriage if it is dead? Then think about meeting someone else.

This guy is waiting until he sees you in the flesh, to judge if you're attractive enough. Charming. And you might find him repulsive.

And who would throw over their whole life to travel accross the earth to meet someone for the first time? That's right, only a nutter would.

Not judging you, just telling you like it is.

MadameDefarge · 24/03/2011 16:13

I would say this is a wake up call. The other chap is fantasy at the moment, the fantasy of all things you want in a relationship. Luckily for you he is a decent person and has said you need to sort your relationship out.

It is just fantasy. Not reality. Remind yourself of this again and again.

Try to think of ways in which you could reignite those feelings with your dh. They are YOUR feelings, which you can experience, so why not with your DH?

Its easy to fall into the trap of fantasising about another person. But the reality is so very different. Use this experience to work out what you really want, and how to get it. But firstly try with your dh. You had those feelings at the beginning, they are still there in you. All relationships need work, devote the time you have spent online with this other chap to investing in your marriage.

Talk to your DH. He is the person you should be sharing your soul with. If it don't work, well then hey, but you must start there.

strandednomore · 24/03/2011 16:13

Forget the other guy and work on your marriage. If you go to counselling you can talk through some of the issues and see if the relationship is worth saving. You might just be going through a bad patch, it happens. Chances are even if you got together with this other guy, you would be going through something similar a few years down the line....

If in the end your marriage isn't worth saving, then is the time to think about other men.

IMHO, not that I am an expert or anything

zikes · 24/03/2011 16:15

I think you'd be mad to give up your marriage for a man you've never actually met or spent any time with.

I think you should decide if your marriage is worth working at, and if not, then about the most amicable and fairest way to end it.

But it's not romantic and marvellous to throw everything away for the sake of some stranger whose internet persona is charming - it's nutty.

emmybooboo · 24/03/2011 16:16

You sound really immature. The guy A, he basically wants to see if you are fuckable or not, in a nutshell. If at all.

He wants to see what you look like, how physical you are etc, so open your eyes to that.

Then you won't be able to go over there with loverboy anyway as DH has parental responsibility.

So if your marriage is over, do the right thing, end it kindly and grow the hell up.

supergreenuk · 24/03/2011 16:18

How would you feel if you threw your life away and this new relationship doesn't last. Could you be alone? You can't know this man anywhere near well enough to know if there is a future. It will be hard but you should cut this man out of your life and see what the future holds with your husband. If your marriage breaks up at least you would know you tried and will have no regrets.

I met a man on line and felt like you. I had an affair for 8 months. When I met him the first time he wasn't what I expected and should have stopped things there and then but I got swept along. Eventually I broke it off but he wasn't happy about that and he told my husband everything to try and break us up. It didn't work. We did eventually go our separate ways but at least I gave it another go.

Original poster

plentysunshine · 24/03/2011 16:22

thanks for all your advice!

A and I have exchanged photos (no nude)..and i can feel he's a decent guy. he's showed me his business website and the staff he did....but yes, you are right, nobody knows what he's like in real life...

but, I am equally lost as how to save my marriage...it's been 7 years now..and we knew each other inside out,and it's really sad that even I might want to 'save'it, but i still don't think I want to stick with him for all my life...

I mean, I am still reasonablly young, I want to enjoy life instead of dragging it along...

OP posts:

MadameDefarge · 24/03/2011 16:28

There is no reason on earth why you should stay in a dead relationship. But you do owe it to yourself to try with your dh. I am assuming you have dcs, if not, then walk away. If yes, then relate would be the best way forward.

Your yearnings for an exciting, passionate relationship are not unreasonable. But most relationships start like that, if they do not grow into a deeper sense of togetherness, then maybe its time to call quits. If children are involved, you must do your best to address these issues. You might be surprised at what happens.

strandednomore · 24/03/2011 16:29

plentysunshine - in all honesty this bloke could be anyone. How do you think people groom children on the internet so successfully? They lie about who they are. Things like "he showed me his business website" ring all sorts of alarm bells. Where does he live? If I were you I would stay very, very well clear of him. I know people meet people on the internet all the time but, well, this sounds a bit...not right.

Incidentally you say "not nude" - I bloody hope so and I hope you didn't send him any even vaguely provocative pictures of yourself......You say you are young, it sounds like you might be a little naive. Please talk to your dh, try to sort that out first, but forget the internet man.

Original poster

plentysunshine · 24/03/2011 16:33

thanx, yes, there are children involved...if it's not for my children (dh is a good father) I have walked away long time ago...

I've told A my problems, he said I should go to join him, he always wants to settle down, and he likes children...

OP posts:

MadameDefarge · 24/03/2011 16:37

plenty. Stop right now. I mean it. Stop. Your fantasies are one thing. Uprooting your children from their dad is quite another.

this is just nonsense, and you know it. But its nonsense that is filling a void in you. You have projected all your desires in a partner onto someone else. Its not REAL!

work with your DH. Be honest about your feelings, about your misgivings, about your desires in life. He might surprise you.

What have you to lose? If he does not step up to the mark, then ok. But he might well do.

You must understand that this relationship is about you, and only you, not about the other person, because they actually don't exist.

You need to understand that, and understand it now.

walesblackbird · 24/03/2011 16:38

How on earth can you consider this a relationship. You've never him? You have no idea what he's like. He could be a paedophile - you do, after all, come with children. You don't him, you know nothing about him other than what he's chosen to tell you. Which could all be lies.

If you don't love your husband your marriage isn't workable then leave. You owe your husband that much.

zikes · 24/03/2011 16:43

This guy could be anything and you do not have the right to risk your children's happiness security or safety for the sake of an infatuation.

You're imagining taking your children to a different continent, away from their father? You've got to get real.

emmybooboo · 24/03/2011 16:58

You can't legally take your children away without your DH's say so. So you'll be leaving them behind. A court will make sure you can't just up and take them in these circumtances, he has PR as you are married.

Focus on that.

msboogie · 24/03/2011 17:05

Some people need protecting from themselves.

This man might only be interested in your children, you know. He must have something wrong with him if he is suggesting you uproot your and your children's lives and cross a planet to go live with him when you have never even met!

Go to Relate and see if you can resurrect your marriage and if you can't then split

Stop being bonkers right now please.

Showmeheaven · 24/03/2011 17:06

You read about stories like this in magazines all the time - they are meant to act as a warning

You are a mother so your children have to come first, your needs and wants come second. Its part of the deal when you become a parent. You are playing a silly and dangerous game here. You need to get a grip and act your age.

Chil1234 · 24/03/2011 17:12

Of course you enjoy the 'mental affair'. It's the thrill of the chase that's appealing, I expect. The feeling of being alive again. There's a massive difference between falling in love or lusting after someone and making a 24/7 marriage work, however. It's fantastic to feel desired and it's even better to have the excitment of secrecy and the idea that it's forbidden. A marriage where you know each other inside out has no mystery & nothing to hide. Like the presents on Christmas morning that look so tempting in their shiny wrappers, once they're open, they're usually not half so interesting.

Time to be honest with your husband, I think. If you're unhappy you have to let him know - if he doesn't already. And if it's over, it would be cruel to keep things going. The fact that you have children means that you should approach everything constructively and with civility.... staying together 'for their sake' is almost never a good idea.

Original poster

plentysunshine · 24/03/2011 17:13

thanks, everyone..

I might be a bit immature,but I am not stupid.....he didn't know I am married and have children when we started contact...he's very nice to me and sending me music, warm words..never anything low...

he actually was angry when I told him my real situation and said he wouldn't even want to be friends...then he forgave me and said we could always be friends and I can tell him my problems...And i've done my homeword and I know who he is...so, he's not dangerous at least..

I guess this is the furtherst this will go...we can just stay as friends and yes, i need to act to my parent duty by being realistic...sigh...

but deep inside, i really hope we can even meet just once...I know, I am being silly now...

but don't you also have this kind of moment when you really want s'thing to remind you that you are still alive?

OP posts:

Original poster

plentysunshine · 24/03/2011 17:17

Chil1234: I like what you said 'staying together for the sake is almost never a good idea...

I might not end this marriage becoz of A, but for the reason that dead marriage is not worth staying for...

OP posts:

Baggypussy · 24/03/2011 20:06

'we can stay just as friends'..

NO. YOU. CAN'T

You do not know this person. You are having a 'relationship' in your head. You don't want to be friends with him- you want him to pluck you out of a less than perfect marriage and fill some void in you.

This is not the basis for friendship. If you want out of your marriage, then grow a pair and get out of it. But don't let this total bollocks with this other man cloud your judgement.

Baggypussy · 24/03/2011 20:09

...and 'mental' is the operative word here.

MigratingCoconuts · 24/03/2011 20:14

He is not your friend. You do not really know him!! You think you do but he is mostly in your imagination and that is like romance in films...its all a myth.
You can't miss him as you don't really know what it is you will miss.

You need to work on your real life marriage. Your husband does not deserve this. If your marriage is dead, then start making plans to leave. If it can be saved then work on it.

Then, if the marriage is over, start thinking about other blokes....

(I mean this all in a nice helpful way, honest )

Original poster

plentysunshine · 24/03/2011 20:15

Well, to some extent, I do feel know him. we write to each other, talk on the phone...it's not just lust, I can feel the connection. and yes, his accent is so cute!

Yes, probably I am mental now, but, if it's not for him, I probably am in depression now...

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 24/03/2011 20:29

then sort out ending your marriage properly and with dignity

...and THEN get to know him better. If he is half what you think he is, he'll wait....

perfumedlife · 24/03/2011 20:34

But MigratingCoconuts, he isn't, he's already said he won't wait. Some romantic soldier huh? Abandon your dh, move accross the world with your children for me, a stranger, right bloody now, or don't come atall.

Love Story it aint.

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