Having a mental affair and don't know what to do

[plentysunshine]

first of all, plz don't be judgemental,until it happens, i didn't know I can still enjoy life...

My marriage has lost its shine for a long time. we both try to be good parents but above that,me and DH have lost communication,romance,passion, even sex...all out of window...

recently I met a guy on social net, we got on really well and he was very attractive. he made me so happy. I can't help smiling when I think about him.I started to have strong feelings about him, he responded well and insisted to meet-up. but then i told him i am married and children, he's upset and wind down a bit. he said if I don't love my DH anymore then I should leave him and give us a chance. I felt miserable when I think about losing him(let's call him A) because he said he wouldn't wait on for me if i don't make a decision.

now the Q is, although we've ben talking and emailing , I've told A my feelings, he hasn't told me he felt the same way about me, he insisted he needed to meet me first. but it's difficult in my situation as I don't want to risk everything just for an uncertain relationship. but, he's really cute and I like him a lot. And, he lives in the other side of the earth.

about my dh, he's a nice decent man, but i can't picture spending the rest of my life with him...

what should I do?

Thanks everyone!!

I have taken all you said and yes, I need to focus on my family and ppl who actually are reall and love me.

This is a such a great place for getting advice, in a way, better than real life.

I am now sober again! All of your good reasoning have waken me up!

Wish you all the best! :)

OP, have you ANY idea how many stories I have heard about women falling in love with men on the other side of the world, being ecstatic, leaving everyone and everything in their lives, selling up and moving to be with an A, because they feel he's a good guy.?? Literally more than you have had hot dinners.

The AFTER stories are even more tragic than you can ever imagine. He turns out NOT to have the education she was told he had. That the business is not all his, or not his at all. that he lives at home, sometimes that he is married already and you are merely Number 2, 3 or 4.

NEWS FLASH, if he were that great he'd have found someone over THERE.

Oh he'll tell you that he loves his country, but his main goal could be to get your money, your nationality and come start his new life here.

I know many that have been left pretty much destitute, some in terrible debt, unable to leave because their A has buggered off with all their money.

You really are standing on the edge of a cliff. Teetering on the edge of complete lunacy. You will take your DC down with you.

Pack it in. NOW. STOP and look at your relationship and try to fix it, or end it.

Spend time ON YOUR OWN, learning to love yourself, spend at least 2 years single in order to do this.

Don't EVER introduce your DC to a man before you have known them for I'd say a year. think about what you are doing and if you would be proud to tell your DC about it in the bluntest way possible, THEN it's OK. If not. Don't.

People will do and say and be anything they can be to get what they want. never forget that.

A man from your town can do it, you may have a chance of seeing that he is lying. A man from another country, language, culture is given much more lee-way due to the language/culture issues. The unscrupulous can use this to their advantage.

Be smart.

Out of interest, where is this Dreamboat from?

Pmsl @ "mental" affair. Too bloody right.

Glad to read your last post OP, hope you manage it. Good luck.

A year ago, I was flying from Oslo to London, and was listening to a conversation between two women sitting behind me in the plane. (naughty me)

They did not know each other beforehand, so were opening up to each other.
One of them were going to London to meet up with some bloke she had met online. She had never spoken to him, but "knew" she loved him. She had not told ANYBODY she was going. He was her secret.

I still sometimes wonder how that one went....

hah hah...MissyHissy, u r funny! this dreamboat is from US...yes, gusy over there are really good with words...

I am now waken up! after seriously thinking everything happend and what you all said, glad I came here...

Thanks again, everyone!! :)

Thank goodness you've come to your senses plenty. The drudgery of life eats away at the best of relationships, but it is possible to inject excitment and passion back into it. And of course its worth trying to stay together for the sake of the kids because rough patches can be overcome

If you've tried and it doesn't work out and least you know you've tried!

Someone mentioned grooming earlier and I have to agree .... a man you've never met before asking you to come to the U.S. with your kids in tow does not sound right on any level

Stop all contact with him.

Do not believe anything people tell you online! Meet him get to know him if you are sure that's what you want? Everyone else has given you great advice. Why give what is an essentially unreal relationship any energy at all? If he wants to meet you and get to know you and be there for you then give him some energy, otherwise ignore! Keyboard warriors will tell you anything you want to hear! You have a REAL husband who is there for you and being there for you, that's got to count for something!

Alternatively try to fix your marriage? Go through counselling and try to sort out what has gone wrong. There are so many people on here with the same problem, young kids and no romance.

Honestly, I actually do think he sounds like a decent person. You're right -- he didn't know you're married (your fault, really) and he has put down healthy boundaries, telling you in no uncertain terms that you would have to make a decision. It's also prudent to meet someone in person and spend some time assessing the relationship in real life before going any further if you've only communicated online. Who among us wouldn't require that? Meeting offline once you've gotten involved online is weird and awkward at best. I think he does sound reasonably sane and stands as much of a chance of being a good partner as many people do.

Except you're married, and you didn't tell him that, so now you've got a mess on your hands. He hasn't done anything wrong; you're the one who hasn't been wholly honest.
He's not waiting, and he shouldn't. If he were my brother or friend, I'd tell him not to. Unhappy married people who want to have a new relationship but won't leave their marriage for it are a dime a dozen.

Also, if you didn't make sure you were single first, and he went forward with you, what would that say about him? And could you really enjoy that, considering the guilt involved? If this new interest really were your truest soul-mate, would that really be giving the relationship the respect it deserves, sneaking around like that? And I can't imagine you're feeling all that good about yourself at the moment, either.

If you don't want to be married and think there's no hope, leave. If you think there's any hope at all, you can see a counselor and get to the bottom of things. This current situation isn't likely to make you - or many other people - very happy.

It sounds like your choices are marriage counseling or divorce, because he sounds like he has no plans to cheat with you. I don't think he wants to be strung along. It's likely he's already feeling lied to because you weren't forthcoming about your being married.

I think I'd take this whole matter to a counselor. You could go in and talk about everything - the marriage, the affair issues, the kids, all of it, and get it all sorted out for yourself.

Fruitsmoothie,you have read well and understood the story.

a littleupdate, Yes, he's a decent man and he has kept distance since I told him my real life. He said he would be friends for me always but that's it, he has stopped sending me emails,only replies if I send him. So even I want to,this won't continue.

anyway,I am so grateful what he has given me, the new hope,joy and happiness. this is the good thing about this mental affair. and I am gonna put it inside my heart.