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Original poster

Having a mental affair and don't know what to do

59 replies

plentysunshine · 24/03/2011 16:06

first of all, plz don't be judgemental,until it happens, i didn't know I can still enjoy life...

My marriage has lost its shine for a long time. we both try to be good parents but above that,me and DH have lost communication,romance,passion, even sex...all out of window...

recently I met a guy on social net, we got on really well and he was very attractive. he made me so happy. I can't help smiling when I think about him.I started to have strong feelings about him, he responded well and insisted to meet-up. but then i told him i am married and children, he's upset and wind down a bit. he said if I don't love my DH anymore then I should leave him and give us a chance. I felt miserable when I think about losing him(let's call him A) because he said he wouldn't wait on for me if i don't make a decision.

now the Q is, although we've ben talking and emailing , I've told A my feelings, he hasn't told me he felt the same way about me, he insisted he needed to meet me first. but it's difficult in my situation as I don't want to risk everything just for an uncertain relationship. but, he's really cute and I like him a lot. And, he lives in the other side of the earth.

about my dh, he's a nice decent man, but i can't picture spending the rest of my life with him...

what should I do?

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 24/03/2011 20:39

exactly perfumed...actions speak far louder than photoshopped images and made up words

Pandamoanium · 24/03/2011 21:05

OP, how old are you? This sounds like something a teenager would do. You don't know this man at all and you are in a total fantasy world. I feel really sorry for your DH and DC in all of this. Shock

zikes · 24/03/2011 21:07

It's not even lust, he's just a picture.

QuintessentialShadows · 24/03/2011 21:07

You are a grown woman with children. Dont be daft. You sound more immature than my 15 year old niece, to be honest.

Original poster
plentysunshine · 24/03/2011 21:11

but I don't want to hurt children either...maybe this is why so many couples still stay together, just for children..

is it totally unacceptable if I just want to keep in touch with him ?

OP posts:
supergreenuk · 24/03/2011 21:11

Read what I wrote again. I felt exactly as you do but coming face to face with the person you realise that it/they are not what you thought. When I met my Internet guy.....he had BO and the pictures I saw of him were of him but younger. He was a bit dippy and quite pushy. He lied about a few things on line he never told me he was married with a kid and he wasn't in the military like he said he was. I thought he was the love of my life and that I knew him but I didn't. I loved his voice and the pictures and the thrill of someone paying me attention. I can honestly say I was not attracted to the real person. I was attracted to the man I had imagined he would be. I will live with my mistake for the rest of my life.

Mymblesson · 24/03/2011 21:16

Your poor husband.

You really thought the idea of taking his children and going off to the other side of the world with them might be an attractive idea?

I hope he finds out about this and dumps your arse.

MigratingCoconuts · 24/03/2011 21:16

is it totally unacceptable if I just want to keep in touch with him ?

Oh, yes!!

You are either in your marriage...or not.

If you are unhappy in the marriage then leave but don't leave it because of this sad fake romance

QuintessentialShadows · 24/03/2011 21:16

FGS, you have not met him!

By all means, end your marriage, if you are unhappy, but dont let it be because you are infatuated with pictures of a stranger and words on a screen!

Original poster
plentysunshine · 24/03/2011 21:20

hmmm,thanks all!

I think yes, I've been acting a bit childish...I will wake up to reality...but before that, please allow me to make a couple more phone calls with him, then I will end it....(I just like his voice so much...) Sad

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 24/03/2011 21:23

that is a huge gamble......

CatPower · 24/03/2011 21:24

BELIEVE ME, this guy of yours won't be half as good in real life as you've built him up to be. You sound infatuated with the idea of someone, or with the idea of a new relationship in another country. How would you feel if your husband was mooning around like a 12 year old, phoning and emailing someone on the otherside of the world? How would your kids like Mum shacking up with an internet oddball from another country? Honestly, you need a good shake. It doesn't matter what he says online or what he's like on the phone, he could easily be taking a whole load of lies. You can be anyone you want to be on the internet, and you don't want to end up being taken for a ride by some sweaty, smelly greaseball (and that's just the tip of the iceberg...)

Seriously, stop parading around like a lovesick teenager and wise up. The guy doesn't exist.

QuintessentialShadows · 24/03/2011 21:28

Dont ask US permission, ask your husband.....

strandednomore · 24/03/2011 21:28

It sends shivers down my spine. This sounds like such a classic case of grooming. I can never believe someone would fall for it - but here you are....

You sound like you are starting to see sense so why call him? What would that achieve? You are holding onto a fantasy, I echo everyone who says the reality would never be as good as your dreams.

Morloth · 24/03/2011 21:33

You are being a gullible fool.

Two seperate questions here.

If you don't want to continue your marriage then don't. Talk to your DH about why you are unhappy, see if there is anything you can do to work it out (if you both want to) then move on as fucking adults.

The other guy is a dream, you are being an idiot. You will not be able to just take your children away (and the fact that you think this would be acceptable is pretty vile actually), so if you want him then you have to leave your children, exactly what sort of man would want a woman capable of that?

GROW. THE. FUCK. UP.

You have children who rely on you to provide them with safety and stability, you don't have the luxury of this sort of stupidity.

Original poster
plentysunshine · 24/03/2011 21:37

OK, I didn't build up or dream up him as someone perfect, I've seen his pics and he's not moviestar but I just like who he is...

And I don't really mind what he is gonna be in real life, 'coz I don't even believe we can meet , so if this fantasy keeps me happy and gives me smile and strength to go on, I think it's not totally madness...

When was the last time you experienced this feeling that just thinking of s'one will make you smile and vivid?

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 24/03/2011 21:38

my husband

Original poster
plentysunshine · 24/03/2011 21:40

I will never leave my kids behind and go with someone, NO!

Just being a woman who is drained by exhausting everyday life who needs a bit cheer up, I haven't actually done anything. And yes, some ppl here are being very judgemental...

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 24/03/2011 21:42

then why don't you end the marriage?

strandednomore · 24/03/2011 21:43

I smile when I think about my dc's every day. Which is why I am willing to sacrifice the excitement of the first few months of a new relationship ever happening again. That's called marriage. And maturity.

kalo12 · 24/03/2011 21:43

Firstly, you do have reasons for staying in a dead marriage - your children, and although it may not be easy or desirable, it is certainly not so cut and dry that 'you have no reason to stay in a dead marriage so leave'

Secondly, you have neer even met A so you have no real idea if you have a connection. it's really a fantasy situation

I would say meet this A, with eyes wide open. My guess is that he won't be all that.

zikes · 24/03/2011 21:45

While you direct your emotional energy at a fantasy figure, you can't sort out a better relationship with your husband.

Do you think it is fair on him if you are neither in nor out of the marriage? It's a half-life for both of you.

You can't just drift on in fantasy land. Address the issues in your marriage, whether it be through counselling or whatever, or if you're sure there's nothing to salvage, split up and start over in the most amicable and fairest way you can.

CatPower · 24/03/2011 21:54

"...but I just like who he is..."

But that's just it. You don't know who he is.

It doesn't matter that you talk on the phone, or exchange IM's/emails day in, day out. It doesn't matter that he tells you how much he loves talking to you, how you're always on his mind, how he wishes the miles between you didn't exist. It doesn't matter that he got angry at first about you being married with children, and it doesn't matter that he seems to have accepted it now.

None of this matters because there is almost no chance of him being anything resembling the man he's described himself as.

If he's so great, why is he resorting to chatting up lonely women online, and encouraging them/planting the idea of moving abroad to be with him in her head?

QuintessentialShadows · 24/03/2011 22:21

You are wrong. It is madness.

It takes your focus away from your marriage, your husband, your family.
It benefits nobody. Not even you. Because it will take away any incentive you have on making your life better, any incentive for making your marriage work. And the loser in this scenario will ultimately be YOU, and your kids.

I speak from experience, btw.

Dozer · 24/03/2011 22:39

Op, please listen to the other posters, including the "judgmental" ones and think of your dh and dcs. You all deserve better. If you're feeling depressed about your situation, there're lots of other things you could do to address this.

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