It's an unsolvable problem - Dh and his snoring and the massive impact it's having on my life

[Vaselino]

I have name changed for this....

Dh snores really badly. I just want to outline the impact this is having on me.

1. I am falling asleep at work
2. I have stopped going out as I am simply too tired, I just don't enjoy it
3. I am getting sick all the time and I've put on weight because I can't exercise properly. If I exercise properly, I just get exhausted so I get ill.
4. I can't drive long distances any more in case I fall asleep in the car

I fall asleep before my children every night now because it's the best way to get some sleep (at around 9pm). I seem to come into a light sleep from around midnight/1am when every snort of dh's wakes me up. It's not the snoring as much as the fact that he has very loud snorts every now and then and that's what wakes me up.

Dh and I argue about this constantly. I don't blame HIM but I do want him to do soemthing about it. He says I have to accept 50% of the problem is me because I'm a light sleeper.

He has been to the doctor and to a snoring expert all of whom have said there is nothing they can do until dh loses at least a stone of weight. He is trying (all be it in my mind not particularly hard) but very little is coming off.

He's just called me now to tell me he didn't wake up this morning (this doesn't surprise me - when he is snoring badly, the quality of his sleep is bad too so he tends to over compensate in the morning)...

but what the hell can I do? Ear plugs don't work. I can't catch up because I have the children to myself all weekend (dh works weekends) and I am permanently exhausted now. House is too small to sleep somewhere else. Dh now refuses to talk about it but this is because I know he is feeling bad but ffs, we need to do something (should also point out that dh is facing a potentially serious health concern too - not linked to this - so he's feeling under stress at the moment so losing weight and sorting this out are not at the top of his agenda)!

My mum eventually moved into her own room and never looked back

should also say, he feels bad about this. Terrible. It's not like he's being a twat and not feeling bad. But ultimately, he can't seem to do anything about it. And I'm worried it's going to end up killing me.

I'm spending enough hours in bed but I never seem to go into a deep sleep. I'm being woken up basically every hour and then taking a good chunk of time to go back to sleep and once it hits 4am, I just can't get back to sleep again. So I probably average about 5 hours broken sleep a night if I'm lucky. I get up at 6am to get ready for work.

I'd love to do that noddy :( but we have no spare rooms.

I am seriously thinking about going to sleep with dd (we'd be sharing a double bed).

Maybe I should do that for a couple of weeks and see how it goes.

he is bothered. The reason he doesn't want to talk about it now is that he feels personally hurt. He's the sort of person that withdraws iyswim and he's feeling awful which is why he's gone quiet. He also has a quite critical appointment this week (about the other health issue) which I know he's very nervous about so the two together are making him clam up.

I have explained numerous times I don't blame HIM -as in dh the man. It's a condition that runs in his family and they all snore. His mother hasn't slept in the same roon as his father for about 20 years. He is v sensitive dh which is why he's taking it badly. But ultimately, he has to be responsible for the solution. I can't lose weight for him!

Both of you need to go back to the GP and discuss this problem further with this person.

I would be looking at seeking a referral to a sleep clinic from the GP and not taking no for an answer. I think your DH has been fobbed off to date; excess weight should not be itself a barrier to getting treatment for his medical problem.

This is very serious and his snoring problem is impacting on your day to day lives to great effect. He could well be suffering from sleep apnoea; he's not able to breathe properly.

I think you or he should take to the sofa for a while.

You also need to spell it out to him how desperate you are, whether he wants to listen or not. Perhaps look at sleeping aids for yourself, while he hopefully makes more effort to lose the weight.

Does DH snore in one particular position? I read somewhere that one woman sewed a ping-pong ball onto the back of his pyjamas so he couldn't sleep on his back and then couldn't snore.

Also is there anyone who can take the children for the weekend or even one of the days to allow you to get some sleep?
Really sorry to read how distressed this has made you :(.

I think he does have sleep apnoea.

He is exercising a hell of a lot. He now swims at least 40 lengths a week and plays a full football game once a week. But he's not losing any weight.

His diet isn't great but it's not horrendous either.

I looked up sleep apnoea and one of the things it quoted was not being able to lose weight easily. But everyone he has seem won't even look at him till he's lost weight.

It's like a vicious circle as he goes away from these appointments feeling deflated and he still can't lose weight!

Does DH snore in one particular position? I read somewhere that one woman sewed a ping-pong ball onto the back of his pyjamas so he couldn't sleep on his back and then couldn't snore.

Also is there anyone who can take the children for the weekend or even one of the days to allow you to get some sleep?
Really sorry to read how distressed this has made you :(.

A sofa is no good to sleep on, sleeping on such a thing will give you back problems.

You both need to go back to the GP and insist on a referral to a hospital's sleep clinic.

My DH also snores really badly, and i am a light sleeper/insomniac! I sleep in my DD room most/virtually every night, and as i have to go to work, look after the kids etc i am glad to get some sleep even though i know its probably not a good long term answer. The extreme tiredness / related irritability would kill our relationship well before the seperate rooms became an issue. Afterall, there are other times/ways of being 'together'. I agree also it sounds like he needs to be seen by an 'expert' - although i understand his reluctance. My DH snores due to excess weight and drinking - until he changes these I dont think the snoring will stop.

Sleep apnoea here is certainly a possibility and it needs careful management. Some hospitals do have specialist sleep clinics which would entail him being monitored overnight. Left untreated it will go onto cause him all sorts of serious health problems, problems he really does not want.

I would really stress to the GP how badly you are both being affected by his sleep apnoea and do not leave there without a referral.

the problem with sleep apneoa is that it can leave you exhausted in day to day life, and unwilling to do challenging things such as cooking healthy food or exerdising. So the vicious circle continues.

Try putting him on a diet, I know this seems like pandering but honestly, my dad was almost floored by sleep apnoea.

Also, go back to the sleep clinic and INSIST. Say the lack of sleep HE is suffering is impacting his quality of life and his ability to make healthy choices (because it is! Everyone hits the cake when they're tired!) because there is a machine that can really help with it.

I wish I could persuade them Attila.

I am not overweight myself but a friend of mine is and has problem knees and she was telling me how her GP won't refer he till she loses weight even though arthritis in the knees runs in her family. The GP cannot see past her weight problem. I am ashamed to say I didn't fully believe her - I thought surely not! - but I can see with my dh (who isn't hugely overweight, his BMI is in the overweight bit not obese bit) that doctors will not see past that!

His weight does have a big impact on snoring - as does drinking and he is giving up alcohol for a month to see if it makes a difference. But he cannot lose weight on his own.

I did suggest something like weight watchers except he's convinced it's full of women and he'll be the only man there!

thanks, yes I think I will have to do something as doing nothing is killing me as well as killing him!

You need to sleep separately if at all possible, I know it's hard if you don't have a spare bedroom but like you say sleeping in your DDs room, or sofa even. Or could your children share a room?

You need to be getting a proper night's sleep at least some of the time, this is not a luxury but a real issue for your health and happiness. I could not cope without proper sleep - when DP and I got a house together one of the most important things for me was making sure we had enough bedrooms so we could sleep separately if necessary - he's not a terrible snorer but I need to be able to sleep sometimes without someone snoring/fidgeting/breathing next to me. It's a necessity not a luxury IMO.

You could 'admit' that you're a light sleeper if that makes him feel better. But it shouldn't really be a question of whose 'fault' it is, that's irrelevant surely?

My DH is a snorer so I have every sympathy for you both. I wouldnt recommend the sofa route as that means that one of you will be getting very poor sleep. Anyway, it isnt a solution.

I do use earplugs. They dont block out the sound but they do put a distance between me and it (the sound, not DH!) and me.

When you sleep with another person there always does seem to be a bit of a vicious circle in poor sleep. You are sleeping lightly and disturbing so DH sleeps lightly and snores so you disturb. And round and round it goes.

Have you tried combining earplugs with a relaxing sleep remedy such as nytol? Alternatively, have you tried listening to something such as relaxing music on an mp3 player? I have found that both of these work to help create the distance to allow me to sleep.

I do tend to see this as a combined problem rather than just 'his' problem.

Do go back to the GP. This 'lose a stone' tactic from the doctor is just a load of old horseradish delaying tactic IMO.

Would he do weight watchers online? Although to be honest if he's not terribly overweight I wouldn't think it would make that much difference on its own. I would insist on a referral. See a different gp if necessary.

no I do agree, obviously if I was a deep sleeper it wouldn't be an issue. But I can't change being a light sleeper. If me losing a stone would mean I slept more deeply I would do it tomorrow. But I do see it as 'our' problem rather than 'his' problem - I just think he feels got at because all the solutions involve something that he has to do rather than me lol!

The thing with Nytol is that I don't have a problem falling asleep at all. I never have. It's the being woken up and drugs don't tend to help me through that. The ones that do help with that make me too drowsy in the morning and I have to get up and go to work.

Ultimately, I am convinced that dh has a major sleep problem. If I didn't wake him up on the weekend, he would actually sleep right through the day. He sleeps so deeply, he's almost impossible to wake up. I am a complete morning person and he is a night owl. We are total polar opposites in our sleep.

Sympathies, hope you can get it sorted, it sounds miserable. I suffer from insomnia too, not entirely BECAUSE of DH's snoring I don't think, though it doesn't help.

The thing I have found to be most helpful in not lying there fuming / stressing is to use an mp3 player (my phone) for listening to podcasts (Radio 4 or Radio 7 stuff usually, I find spoken words better than music programmes). The beauty of podcasts is a) that you can choose what you listen to and aren't stuck with the shipping forecast or depressing news stories from around the world and b) you get silence when they have finished, hopefully when you have dropped off. I use a mono radio earpiece (only one 'ear bit', so you can sleep on your side).

I still wake up once or twice in the night, but can generally get back to sleep within half an hour. Good luck with finding something that works.

anyway, thanks for listening. I'm so tired of it now that even I am getting bored talking about it in real life so it's good to hear other people's practical opinions. I needed to hear them tbh.

I know you mentioned that earplugs haven't worked for you but there are different types and some are much more effective than others. My ex husband was an appalling snorer and I am a very light sleeper and we had the same problem, tiny flat, he wouldn't lose weight (or even agree to let me go to sleep first). Eventually I discovered that wax earplugs are much, much better than the foam ones. They sell wax ones in Boots (their ones are called Muffles), and probably other chemists. They are cheap and really effective. They don't pop out of your ears like the foam ones, or let sound in around the sides. You just take the little roll of wax, tear it in half, soften it into a ball in your fingers and jam it in your ears! As far as I've experienced (I've been using them for a decade now) it seems to be impossible to push them in too far or do any damage. The only bad thing is, they are so good you will have trouble sleeping without them!

I agree that it sounds like your DH does have a major sleep problem which needs to be resolved so do go back to the doctor. If you can, do go together. On your own it is very easy to be fobbed off.

As another practical coping strategy have you tried having one night on and one night off? Set up a proper bed somewhere else (in with a DC perhaps). Get a good night's sleep which will give you strength for a broken night the next. DH and I did this when our DCs were babies so that one person did all the night feeds for the night and the other got a whole night's sleep. It got us through.

You said that you are falling asleep at 9pm and then disturbing at midnight. If you can get a couple of good night's sleep sleeping in with a DC could you then look to put back the time you fall asleep to something closer to 11pm? It is natural to sleep in waves, if you could delay the end of a wave until the early hours (3am ish) you might find it easier to get back to sleep at the end of a sleep cycle.

I read somewhere that 3am & 3pm are biologically 'low' times (industrial accidents hit a peak at these times). If you can manage your sleep to be disturbing in the naturally sleepy time then you may be able to get back to sleep more easily.

Sleep deprivation is recognised as a form or torture so I hope that you and your DH are able to find a way through this.