It's an unsolvable problem - Dh and his snoring and the massive impact it's having on my life

[Vaselino]

I have name changed for this....

Dh snores really badly. I just want to outline the impact this is having on me.

1. I am falling asleep at work
2. I have stopped going out as I am simply too tired, I just don't enjoy it
3. I am getting sick all the time and I've put on weight because I can't exercise properly. If I exercise properly, I just get exhausted so I get ill.
4. I can't drive long distances any more in case I fall asleep in the car

I fall asleep before my children every night now because it's the best way to get some sleep (at around 9pm). I seem to come into a light sleep from around midnight/1am when every snort of dh's wakes me up. It's not the snoring as much as the fact that he has very loud snorts every now and then and that's what wakes me up.

Dh and I argue about this constantly. I don't blame HIM but I do want him to do soemthing about it. He says I have to accept 50% of the problem is me because I'm a light sleeper.

He has been to the doctor and to a snoring expert all of whom have said there is nothing they can do until dh loses at least a stone of weight. He is trying (all be it in my mind not particularly hard) but very little is coming off.

He's just called me now to tell me he didn't wake up this morning (this doesn't surprise me - when he is snoring badly, the quality of his sleep is bad too so he tends to over compensate in the morning)...

but what the hell can I do? Ear plugs don't work. I can't catch up because I have the children to myself all weekend (dh works weekends) and I am permanently exhausted now. House is too small to sleep somewhere else. Dh now refuses to talk about it but this is because I know he is feeling bad but ffs, we need to do something (should also point out that dh is facing a potentially serious health concern too - not linked to this - so he's feeling under stress at the moment so losing weight and sorting this out are not at the top of his agenda)!

You/he is being fobbed off. It is incredibly difficult to lose weight if you have sleep apnoea and are tired all of the time (although if he is drinking alcohol in the evening this is one thing he can and must cut out as it will make snoring worse through relaxing throat muscles and dehydrating).
Many overweight people are given CPAP machines, I'm not aware of any guidelines that say there is a weight cut off. Or, if he is a tongue base snorer, he might be helped by just a device that holds his mouth in place at night.
There is a good forum on www.britishsnoring.co.uk

Sleep clinics these days generally give people a home sleep test, you take the equipment home and sleep with it. It's cheaper than a full overnight in patient monitoring. It sounds like he is stopping breathing regularly and this is dangerous.

There are private sleep centres if you have some money and don't have the time/energy to battle with your doctors.

Fixing sleep apnoea can be such a simple thing and can have an amazing effect on improving health and quality of life, yet it is treated mostly unsympathetically in the NHS - I suppose as there is not a drug company making money from it it falls by the wayside when it comes to funding.

He does need to take responsibility for this and acknowledge how detrimental it is to your life. If he can't bring himself to care enough about your health and sanity, I'd be wanting to know why.

I have sleep apnoea and not treating it if he has it is ridiculous. It is a killer and Saying they won;t treat it until he loses weight is like saying that you won;t treat a heart attack until you've lost weight.

Not everyone who snores badly has sleep apnoea but get him to fill in the Epworth scale treatmentsforsleepapnea.com/sleep-apnea-treatments/epworth-sleepiness-scale/ and go back to his GP and start causing a fuss if its above 10.

ping pong ball as temp measure

sorry I've not read whole thread but have they refused to refer him until he looses weight? in which case he needs to insist/see another GP/keep going back until he gets referrred (maybe ask to see where it says he has to loose x weight before he can be referred to try and make them IYSWIM)

meanwhile he needs to loose the weight he (?you) needs to call weightwatchers/Jenny craig/whatever to find out how many men they have will he go if you go wiht him?

diet and exercise (daily walk not a marathon!!)

Vaselino why aren't you in with your DD while you wait for him to be treated properly?

I sleep with my DD because of the same problem. What's the the big deal? I get some decent sleep and I care a lot more about that than social conventions.

Good luck with getting him treated.

Good luck Vaselino, and thanks for this thread.

My dh snores very loudly also. I am a light sleeper, also. For a long time, he denied that he snored at all. I felt guilty waking him up to tell him to stop, especially with my elbow. I believe he has apnea also as he'd stop breathing momentarily and then gasp, etc. So there I was awake because of the noise, then awake if there was no noise-is he breathing at all? Counting until the next breath...

We have two teenagers. Then we had another baby. Him on one side with me wishing for silence, baby on the other side wishing I could hear a breath! Joke on me, no doubt. That lasted one night. Moved to the baby's room. When the baby was 20 months old, my oldest would lay on the floor and pretend snore and she would run over, "Daddy! Daddy!" He finally got that the dismissiveness tact wasn't going to win the day anymore.

He has tried the throat/sinus spray, forget the name but it is like a little fire extinguisher. He said it works and he uses it when he travels (yes!, silent night ), but generally does not like the way it makes his throat feel.

Three months ago, he finally went to the doc and sleep doc and sinus doc and heart doc. They said he probably had the apnea. Was told to lose weight. Was given a special mouth piece to hold his lower jaw a certain way. That worked some, but not always, and spit flowed. He is exercising and losing weight.

I have slept with the baby mainly to keep her quiet so the teens wouldn't be disturbed. But then I was actually getting more sleep with her than with dh. I have an air mattress with two foam toppers and a mattress pad on it and it isn't too bad actually. But I have been so fatigued for so long that I have to go to bat for myself and if that means bunking in with dd2 then I will. I do feel better, but still not well rested consistently. Have wondered how my life would have been different if I had insisted on my sleep. Some people do and I don't raise my eyebrows at them anymore.

Sorry this is so long...but it is one of those things that sneaks up to the point of becomming such a big effect on the quality of life. Drip, drip...

I know this has been said over and over, but please, if you suspect sleep aponea please push for further help, the cpap macines are so important and really do work

I lost someone very close to me to sleep aponea, he had been diagnosed and had the machine but didn't use it. I can't tell you how heartbreaking it is that he died in his thirties from something so 'common' and so preventable

"I lost someone very close to me to sleep aponea, he had been diagnosed and had the machine but didn't use it. I can't tell you how heartbreaking it is that he died in his thirties from something so 'common' and so preventable"

I'm so sorry immortal :(

OP - and anyone else with snoring issues - please take note of that and make sure you/DH get it sorted.

Op, sorry havent read whole thread, but i recommend getting proffesional help for him, but in the mean time, get yourself some QUIES natural wax earplugs......... They work for me and I wake up to everything !

They are little pink balls of wax in cotton wool. Take the cotton wool off, warm the wax in your hands and mould then press into your ears, firm, you will notice the sound different straight away.

They may take some getting used to, but I cant live without them now !

I use one ball for both ears by tearing one in two.... see what is comfortable for you.

It says not to re use, but I do, one box lasts me a few months.

Hope you get some sleep ! :)

immortal very wise warning - not many people realise how dangerous sleep apnoea is - my bllod pressure was horrifically high when I was untreated, my oxygen sats were low and I fell asleep driving the car twice (luckily with no outcome but scared me enough to go to the GP).

TMSB - it sounds like your DH's apnoea is mild if they haven;t suggested Cpap - other things he can try:

Give up alcohol in the evening as much as possible
Develop throat muscels (i hear singing is very good)
Get a triangle pillow to elevate his head - I find this makes a big differnce in my case
Do the old tennis ball sewn into pyjama jacket back to stop him sleeping on his back.
Lose weight has been mentioned.

Just to impress those of you who know about sleepapnoea - my index was 107!

Thanks Kewcumber. We have tried all but the tennis ball. He refuses on that one. No alcohol at all; bed already raised to help with his sinuses. He is improving with exercise/diet so there is some hope.

I am sorry for your loss, ImortalBeloved. Thank you for the warning.

Lots of information here www.britishsnoring.co.uk/

Have you tried talking to a dentist about it? My Dad (a dentist) has made lots of mouth guards for people with snoring problems and it can sort the problem out. I don't know much about it and don't know if it'll help if your DH has sleep apnea, but it might be worth a try.

haven't read all the posts but the solution is separeate bedrooms.

My friend and her DH of 20 years sleep in separate rooms the time, and my mum and dad have for over 30 years- all due to snoring.

Has he tried singing lessons / exercises? he probably has other problems causing his snoring but if he is overweight it is likely that he will have weak muscles and fat around his pharynx.

My GP wrote a book about it (can't find a reference atm) or google and you will find some exercises. Improving the muscle tone (through regular voive / singing exercises) will help which ever treatments he tries.

He needs to be referred to a sleep clinic. Dh and his two brothers are/were like this. Dh didn't take me seriously about his snoring until one night when we were staying at BIL1's and he was snoring like a foghorn. Dh was laughing about how loud BIL1's snoring was until I pointed out to him that if I had to figure out which of them it was, I wouldn't be able to tell. He was .

Shortly after, BIL2 got married and his new wife marched him to the GP because of his snoring. He was referred to a sleep clinic, diagnosed with sleep apnoea and got a CPAP. They both slept a lot better. So we did the same and dh also got a CPAP. It has changed both our lives for the better.

Hi all

I just wanted to update you all.

Though dh and I have been talking about this for years, we finally had a serious chat about it last night.

Dh is taking it very seriously now. He has stopped drinking as from tonight to see if it has an impact. We have decided that he will deal first with the health issue that is hanging over him (it involves a trip to the hospital and could be something that's life changing :( ) and then when that is hopefully resolved (fingers crossed over the next week), we are both going to visit a sleep clinic together.

Thank you so much for the links. That british snoring site is great and it's wonderful that we can do a home test and this has reassured dh a lot. I've also explained what sleep apneoa could be doing to him and he's taken it on board.

I also went to lengths to point out that this was OUR problem and that I wanted to help resolve it as much as he did and I think that really helped. I don't blame him for this at all and I think I finally got that point through to him so we're treating it just like we'd treat any other medical ailment!

Thanks so much for your encouragement. That and all the links have made a real difference to how we evaluated the problem and that site (and all the other ones) were really useful to look through together.

That's great, Vaselino! Hope all the medical issues get resolved.