strategies to cope with DH's jealousy

[ScarletA]

I have been reading the threads about jealousy and have found them enormously helpful in understanding my DH's jealousy. I always suspected it was due to his childhood and it seems I was right. The problem is - getting him to recognise and 'own' his jealousy so that we can get help with it. That's what I was hoping to get help with.

He is not anything like some of the ultra controlling and scary men I've read on threads today - which kind of made me not want to post because I feel a bit of a fraud. But he gets jealous in social situations and it is getting steadily worse. Now I feel we cannot go out together (to parties, pubs, gigs etc) because it invariably ends in what i call 'the walk of shame' on the way home where I am accused of flirting, fancying someone, talking him down, being a bad person in X Y and Z respect etc.

We have a good social life but it is gradually being curtailed because of this. I suspect his jealousy is always there under the surface but he never says anything about it, he manages to control it. But when he drinks, he doesn't manage it at all. I can actually predict how he will behave - 2 pints is usually 'safe' but any more and he's off.

I love him utterly and completely. We are generally happy in most other respects, have been together nearly 13 years and have 2 lovely kids. He does not go through my phone or check up on me or anything like that, he is not a controlling man in this respect - it's just in social situations where he drinks.

Maybe people will think 'well, just don't go out together, socialise separately' but that just makes me feel sad. Although to be honest, it's kind of what we do now anyway .

I read today that I should be supportive and reassuring when he's feeling jealous. But it's quite hard for me to do when I have been accused of things that I haven't done. I just feel angry or bored or fed up and that's the kind of response he gets. Which apparently will just make him feel worse...

What can I do to help him help himself?

How would he react if you showed him this post?

Get him to see a counsellor to help him to deal with his issues. Tell him he's in danger of destroying your relationship if he continues to act the way he is.

The morning after one of his episodes, do you talk about the previous night's events? Can he recognise his unreasonable behaviour during his more reasonable moments?

Sounds like it's in part due to self-esteem.

FIL is very paranoid/jealous but it's down to his self-esteem (shit childhood).

Does he recognise that it's a problem? I would encourage you to go to counselling individually and together.

Do you flirt with him when you're out?

That's the problem. He doesn't recognise it as 'his' problem - it's my behaviour that makes him jealous. But I police myself so well now that I know it can't be me.

Take this weekend for example. We went to the pub with a big group of mates and I purposefully sat next to my best friend (female) with him on the other side and talked only really to them. It was a lovely night (apart from about 2 pints in when he started telling me I was a bad person for doing this, that and the other - actually true but hard to hear...) but on the way back home we were all walking down the street and suddenly I realised that I was talking to a male friend and walking just with him. I turned round - feeling sick - to see DH walking on his own miles behind... The rest is history. So DULL.

If I showed him this post I think he would feel incredibly hurt that I was sharing my feelings about this. And angry because I am trying to blame him when it's my behaviour at fault.

We went to councelling years ago and it was fantastically helpful around other issues in our relationship and is probably why we are still together. I think if i suggested we go back for help with this, he would think it was not a 'big' enough issue (or even an issue at all) to warrant the expense... I suppose I kind of think this too, as it is 'only' a problem when we socialise.

It is getting worse though - I literally cannot remember the last time we went out and didn't have the walk of shame afterwards. In fact I do remember, the last successful event was our lovely wedding day in July. God, that makes me feel so sad.

I think you should ask him to stop drinking.

It's unacceptable that you feel you can only talk to female friends and your dh when you're out. You shouldn't be thinking of ways to handle his jealousy, it's his problem. He shouldn't turn into this critical person who rips you to shreds after a couple of beers. No wonder you ended up talking to someone else!

That's extremely nasty behaviour on his behalf.

The thing that bothers me the most is that he blames your behaviour for his problem. The fact that he doesn't see it as being his problem is worrying.
Nasty, nasty.

That's awful. What exactly makes it so bad for you to walk with a male friend, when your dh is there? Is he incapable of saying 'hey, wait up!!' ?

Is he very nervous socially? He's blaming you for far too much here. And you are changing your personality to suit, which is no good because when you are out without him you might end up doing some of these forbidden and awful things such as speaking to men, and feeling shitty about it which is no good at all.

This kind of thing always goes in one direction - worse. You have to accept that you either do nothing and carry on letting it get worse and worse or you do something about it - whatever it takes to stop this.

It is caused by his low self esteem - he manages to keep quiet about it most of the time but when he drinks it comes out. One of the things that would worry me is that he seems to be trying to transfer his bad feelings about himself onto you. Where the hell does he get off laying into you about your supposed shortcomings on a nice night out with friends? And why in hell would you let him? People are generally most repulsed by the shortcomings in others that most strongly reflect their own weaknesses. I think that men who constantly accuse women of being on the lookout, flirting, up to no good etc are seeing a reflection of their own baser qualities - bringing others down to their own level, if you like.

You have been conditioned for a long time to be the bad guy in this relationship. He wants you to feel as bad about yourself as he does. So you do not feel in a position to make demands about how this very damaging behaviour can be remedied. But you must. Or he will kill your relationship stone dead and drive you away - either physically or mentally.

You must demand counselling either for him or jointly. He needs to accept and address HIS problem.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy has summed it up exactly. It is NOT your fault, though of course it has become your problem and it shouldn't be.

He needs to get some help. If he doesn't, it is only going to get worse (IME)....

And yes, stopping drinking would be a useful first step. Perhaps you guys could go out in a social situation with no drinking and see how that works out. But help with a capital H is required....

And msboogie too (x posts). Exactly right.

Definitely he needs help. The more I read this the more angry it makes me - he's putting you in a social situation then passively waiting for you to do something accidentally, so he can lay into you. Yuk yuk yuk, awful.

God. Thank you everyone for your well expressed, wonderful posts. Feel overwhelmed by this. Cannot say how this all makes me feel. Guilty for being a wuss and letting him get away with it, sad because it's only going to get worse, angry because what you all say is right. But I find it so hard to think of him as nasty. He is sad, not nasty. He had a difficult childhood, was in fact the product of an affair so no wonder he has trust issues with women... BUT this is not my fault, I know.

I wasn't entirely fair on him. He does know it is his problem. In the past, a long time ago, he did accept that he was being unreasonable and that I wasn't doing anything wrong. I think that is why 24 hours after the event, he tries really hard and is very loving. It is his way of saying sorry. God that sounds so pathetic now I have written it out. Like a man who beats his woman and apologises afterwards... Sigh.

We need to talk again about this but I am afraid. I'm scared that he will carry on like he usually does and say it was me that started it or that I overreacted and that he wasn't accusing me of anything. Know that's what he'll say about this weekend . Which means we are stuck at square one again.

I think I am going to tell him that unless he doesn't drink when we go out, then I won't go out with him anymore. But I have said this in the past and he goes into a tail spin about it saying 'well, what's the point of being together then, we might as well split up now' - you know, that old chestnut. Which is very irritating because it means he is deflecting responsibility for dealing with his problem.

He knows he is unreasonable. He does. It's just how to get him to admit it properly and get help. Do I threaten? Console? Support? Withdraw? Poor us, it is so sad sad sad. He is such a lovely man in so many other ways. I come from a culture of talking though your problems - my mother was a councellor fgs - and he comes from one where nothing is EVER spoken about.

I read somewhere that if he could tell me when he was starting to feel jealous, then I could reassure him at the time. Would this be an idea?

Is it possible to get a third party, who he trusts, to get involved? Not so easy, I know. but eg, if he starts giving you a hard time after an evening out is it possible to turn to DH's friend (male) and say, "was I flirting. Give me an independent view"? Perhaps he'll listen to an independent someone else.

I only discovered recently that one of DH's friends had a go at him after he said something silly and mean to me as a result of jealousy early in our relationship. I don't even remember the incident but apparently, shortly afterwards we all left the bar to go to a restaurant and DH's friend walked seperately with DH and told him he was being a complete ass and to let it go.

And I thought it was me calmly explaing why he was being unreasonable that cured him!

"I read somewhere that if he could tell me when he was starting to feel jealous, then I could reassure him at the time. Would this be an idea?"

Why should you have to reassure you of anything? Supposedly he knows you, doesn't he?

HE has the problem, HE needs to solve it.

Troubled childhood my arse. Why does he have trust issues with women and not men? If he's the product of an affair, I assume to people were involved in that affair? He's come up with a cock and bull story to justify him being an arsehole.

You may never know whether it really is insecurity or control freakery. I wouldn't stand for it a moment longer, though. (God, I wish I'd stepped hard on XH instead of trying to be understanding.) It is a big deal for you, as you should of course be able to go out as a couple without putting on a thick veil and taking a vow of silence for the evening. If any interaction with anybody male is going to send him into a spin, it behoves him to stop spinning, not you to stop having interaction (which in any case is impossible, as there's no way to avoid meeting men every time you leave the house and sometimes on your own doorstep).

He could try leaving off the alcohol on an evening for a start, if it's a couple of beers that set him off. It may spoil his evening if he can't have a drink in company, but it's guaranteed to spoil yours if he does.

If you're willing to give it a go, which I think is pretty big of you, then he needs rules. He needs to understand that the solution is NOT for you to never speak to men, or to follow him around attending to his social needs every five minutes. He needs to tell you honestly, no matter how silly it sounds, what he is so scared of by you walking with someone a few steps ahead or having a joke and a laugh with a guy - are you going to shag in the road in the time it takes him to catch up? Quickly confess undying love for each other while he's out of earshot? OF COURSE NOT! He needs to LET you reassure him that none of the things you are doing are an issue, because if you stop doing them, they become an issue don't they?

Good luck with this, sounds hard.

HAs he had counselling on his own for his issues? those are big issues and not ones that you can combat on your own....

Thank you everyone. But just want to say one thing. Although his behaviour is unreasonable and very wrong, he is not an arsehole. He is my husband and I love him.

The thing about reassuring him when he's jealous - I know, I read it and thought 'bugger that'. It's the very LAST thing I feel like doing when he's going into one. But then I thought - well, maybe it would be supportive to do it? But I think it wouldn't help anyway - if he's drunk and in 'the green room', me telling him it's not green isn't going to change anything. We'll just get into a row quicker.

Know what you mean about the veil, lol. Have sincerely considered wearing a burqua to the next fancy dress party we are invited to - just to see if it changes anything. But OBVIOUSLY wouldn't as it would be very disrespectful etc...

We need to talk. Just how do I stay calm and not get angry and accusatory? Doing this is a recipe for disaster with him - he HATES it if I get angry and shout. Or cry. Or say anything mean about him. Ho hum. And I thought he wasn't controlling me...

It is a dangerous thing to do, post on this site. It makes you see things as other people on the outside see them. But I knew this deep down. Telling other people about what was going on was the thing that would move me to change things. Or at least try.

Lol jellybelly - x posts. You are right, it's not my job to make him feel good about himself. I couldn't reassure him any more than I already do - I asked him to marry me after all. And I constantly tell him how gorgeous he is and how much I love him. He just doesn't believe me, deep down.

He did go to councelling on his own, after we went as a couple. It was hard but helpful. Like I said before, I doubt we would still be together if he hadn't shown me that he could open up and get help with his childhood demons. This councelling was about 6 years ago, perhaps it is time to revist the shrink's couch. I think we are slipping back into old habits.

Does he hate letters?

I don't know, perhaps do it in short bursts, where you tell him beforehand you'll have to stop and calm youself sometimes during the conversation, but it's one you really need to have?

Blingloving - I would love someone else to tell him he's being a git but he always saves it until we are on our own. Because deep down he knows the things he is accusing me of are unfounded, or at best just normal social interactions that he is deliberately misconstruing. He knows that if he said anything out loud to anyone else, it would sound ridiculous and make him look a fool. For instance, he can accuse me of flirting with X but would NEVER say anything to X for flirting with me.

It does sound like he needs to go back to counselling - it is one of those things that sometimes you have to revisit. It's very hard... But if he knows it's unreasonable and it's making you miserable then he should be motivated to sort it. And no drinking when you are out too - definitely.

(I hardly drink when out anymore because I have a big mouth tell everyone's secrets and flirt but at least I'm big enough to know I need to stop it...)

Yup, I'm an idiot when I drink, so I don't drink.