strategies to cope with DH's jealousy

[ScarletA]

I have been reading the threads about jealousy and have found them enormously helpful in understanding my DH's jealousy. I always suspected it was due to his childhood and it seems I was right. The problem is - getting him to recognise and 'own' his jealousy so that we can get help with it. That's what I was hoping to get help with.

He is not anything like some of the ultra controlling and scary men I've read on threads today - which kind of made me not want to post because I feel a bit of a fraud. But he gets jealous in social situations and it is getting steadily worse. Now I feel we cannot go out together (to parties, pubs, gigs etc) because it invariably ends in what i call 'the walk of shame' on the way home where I am accused of flirting, fancying someone, talking him down, being a bad person in X Y and Z respect etc.

We have a good social life but it is gradually being curtailed because of this. I suspect his jealousy is always there under the surface but he never says anything about it, he manages to control it. But when he drinks, he doesn't manage it at all. I can actually predict how he will behave - 2 pints is usually 'safe' but any more and he's off.

I love him utterly and completely. We are generally happy in most other respects, have been together nearly 13 years and have 2 lovely kids. He does not go through my phone or check up on me or anything like that, he is not a controlling man in this respect - it's just in social situations where he drinks.

Maybe people will think 'well, just don't go out together, socialise separately' but that just makes me feel sad. Although to be honest, it's kind of what we do now anyway .

I read today that I should be supportive and reassuring when he's feeling jealous. But it's quite hard for me to do when I have been accused of things that I haven't done. I just feel angry or bored or fed up and that's the kind of response he gets. Which apparently will just make him feel worse...

What can I do to help him help himself?

Thanks you lot.

MrsH75 - I do get cross and shout at him when he's being a dick, tell him exactly what he's doing and how BORING he's being. Trouble is, it doesn't make him behave any better, we just get into a massive row about it. I had started 'policing' myself just for an easy life and so we can have a nice time when we are out together. But as you all probably realise, that doesn't work. He will always find some stupid little thing and make it into a Major Crime and hey ho off we go. Groundhog Day.

I am under NO illusions about his ability to cope. I have already emailed the Relate counsellor (how DO you spell it? have i just written that we are going to a government official for help?). We will get prof help with this.

Cheers everyone xxx

Scarlet - there is an inbox symbol at the top of the main page - click on that it should say you have an unread message...Let me know if that works

Scarlet, the thing you haven't talked about much is this: he started telling me I was a bad person for doing this, that and the other - actually true but hard to hear... and I am accused of ... being a bad person in X Y and Z respect

I'm really glad that you;ve had this great talk. I'm really glad that you're going to stop policing your own behaviour (you said a while ago that you do have a good time and get cross, but earlier on you said that you deliberately spent a night just talking to your husband and your best female friend, to be safe) and it all sounds positive.

But the put-downs seem to go beyond just jealousy of the sort that waterrat described and into verbal abuse. Are you willing to talk or think more about that aspect?

Well done scarlett I hope it works no-one deserves to live like that

Tortoise. You are completely right. This whole posting on mumsnet has made me think about a lot more than just his jealous behaviour when drunk.

It has made me see the other ways he puts me down too. He has this tone of voice that he reserves for me, his mother and his exes - I always know it's one of them on the other end of the line because of the rude way he speaks. I have picked him up on this ENDLESSLY but to no avail. Only once has he accepted that he is rude when he speaks to us - and he has denied it ever since. He hints that it is a class thing - he is working class and I'm middle - but it is not, I know that. It is about not liking the women he loves / has loved. It makes me very sad to write that because he loves me very much. But he has issues with his mother and that has profoundly affected all aspects of his relationships with women.

I am feeling very low about this right now and he has picked up on it, is being super nice and kind and asking me what the matter is. It is time for another talk in the bath...

It sounds very much as if he's good at making excuses for his behaviour; oh, it's because of my mum, oh, it's because I'm working class, oh, it's your behaviour that makes him act that way, oh, it's the alcohol.

He needs to start taking responsibility for this himself. You can't fix him. He might well love you, but he doesn't like you, respect you or see you as a worthy human being because you're female.

Is he willing to go to Relate? Has he suggested it? I would be wanting to see that HE is taking responsibility for his woman-hating, not trying to fix him yourself.

Good luck.