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Original poster

I have 2 men in my life and now i need to decide which one i want to be with!!

104 replies

FeelingOld · 21/03/2011 10:11

I have been a lone parent of 2 kids for almost 5 years now. At roughly the same time my exh left me a friend of mine left her husband and their 2 boys. As you can imagine me and her husband were both devastated (both our exs left us cos they had met someone else) and upon a chance meeting we got chatting and have been very good friends ever since, we got each other through the bad times, cried down the phone to each other in the middle of the night etc. We have also been on days out together with our kids (now aged 11 - 17) and even been on weekends away. He is a lovely man and i dont know how i would have got through the first year without him. We are good friends but nothing more.......
Anyway about a year and a half ago i was on a girls night out, I met a nice man and we have been seeing each other since, he lives 30 miles away so we only see each other at weekends so I still do stuff with my friend (will call him C)in the week and on the odd weekend when dp is working. My new dp is a lovely man too, he treats me and the kids well and would do anything for me and I love him. He has 2 bad points, he is rubbish with money and has quite a lot of debt and he smokes.
This weekend dp was working so me and C and the kids went out and while the kids were ice skating he had a heart to heart with me and told me that he has fallen in love with me. I was gobsmacked!! I have never thought of him in this way but after having a long hard think about it I am not sure if i actually fallen for him too.

My dp is lovely, but we dont see each other much and i worry about our future as he has no money, a rubbish job and what money he does have he spends on fags and booze and likes to go out every weekend drinking and can be very loud. Sex is quite infrequent too (he is 11 years older than me and has a much much lower sex drive) but he is always there for me, he looked after me last year when i was very ill with swine flu and I do love him.
But my friend C is much more like me, he is quiet, hard working, we enjoy quiet meals out together and chatting and is the total opposite to dp.

I am so so confused now. I love my dp but I have very strong feelings for my lovely friend too. I just dont know what to do.

OP posts:
MidnightsChild · 21/03/2011 13:05

FeelingOld I have a best friend who I love to bits and who feels the same about me ... but (and its a very big but) ... when we're a couple, we fight horribly. Even on the occasions when we're just discussing whether to try again, it starts. The thing is, we have different expectations of each other as friends than we do as boyfriend/girlfriend. As friends, we argue, but it always remains good humoured. We don't avoid the tough stuff as friends either ... we are completely open with each other and some very brutal truths are exchanged without it causing any fall out. I would honestly walk over broken glass for him, but he is my friend, my very dearest friend and after two years as just friends, I now cherish that friendship without seeking any more (and yes, it is something we have discussed and agreed on).

So from my perspective, I would say that your relationship with C is seen through "friend" eyes and you need to take the time to look at him through "boyfriend" eyes. If this change in your perception and expectations of him has no ill effect, then why not give it a try. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

willowcrow · 21/03/2011 13:52

Something you said on one of your earlier posts stuck me as interesting... You said:-

"I think i saw myself growing old with dp because I do love him, and he does a lot for me and my kids. He will run them about at weekends, he cooks us meals, washes up afterwards, helps me around the house etc and is a good man. He is very wise and calm, and i can ask his advice on anything and he always supports me in whatever i do"

What's to say that 'C' wouldn't behave in a similar manner if the two of you were to get together? This is sort of 'couple-ish' behaviour which I don't think I would expect from someone who is 'just a friend' maybe C hasn't wanted to cross the line? I would cook for my husband, but get take-out with my friends.

Money can be a real elephant in the room in a lot of relationships and cause so many problems and arguments,if you have concerns now, what would his approach be to 'family finances' in the future?

Original poster
FeelingOld · 21/03/2011 15:00

Willowcrow - you are right, this is the kind of behaviour you would expect from a partner, i just didnt have it with my exh so suppose its kind of novel to me. And I think C would do the same, I knew him when he was married and he spoiled his wife and did more than his fair share in the house etc

Midnights child - I have known C about 8 years (in a group situation through friends of friends) but only known him closely since we became lone parents together 5 years ago and nothing romantic has ever happened between us, not even a kiss beyond a peck on the cheek!! We have actually never argued in all that time either, we have had in depth discussions about things but we pretty much have the same opinions on things. We know each other pretty well as we have confided lots of stuff to each other.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 21/03/2011 15:09

The dp doesn't sound such a great catch imo.

PeterAndreForPM · 21/03/2011 15:14

the dp sounds like a nob, sorry

he seems quite charming I guess, but I wouldn't want to share more than a fuckbuddy relationship with someone like that

and "C" seems like a steady, but rather unexciting guy

I would bin dp off (before he sucks you into debt too) and stay friends with C

then find yourself a new romantic partner

OTheHugeManatee · 21/03/2011 15:19

If you're considering C, then I think you don't really think of dp as a long term thing and should let him down kindly but clearly. Then see where it goes with C. It might not work out, but he sounds a much better prospect than your current man.

MidnightsChild · 21/03/2011 16:04

FeelingOld, sorry wasn't trying to suggest that you & C would fight/argue, that was just the dynamic with my best friend. I was wanting to highlight how the way you view a person can affect the nature of your relationship with them.

And no, its not just about lust (or its absence) either, as that is mutually there is spades with my friend. I know that lust+friendship should = happy ever after, but it doesn't necessarily in my experience.

Actually, I think I am pretty much agreeing with the advice from PeterAndre that you may be better off starting from scratch and not trying to make either of them "fit".

atswimtwolengths · 21/03/2011 20:12

Your DP sounds awful in a lot of ways.

I think you should give it a go with C! And I'm jealous actually; I think this could go really well!

Original poster
FeelingOld · 22/03/2011 10:38

Well I saw C last night, we all have tea together on a monday and while the kids were all upstairs on the x-box we had a chat. I have told him i need time to think, he says he understands. I explained that if we go into a relationship and it does not work out then I would be devastated to lose him as a friend cos he means such a lot to me and he feels the same but he also said the more time he spends with me the more his feelings are growing.

I think that because I now have doubts about my future with dp that I need to speak to him at the weekend when I see him. Thats not a converstion I am looking forward to.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 22/03/2011 11:03

You sound level headed and honest. You're willing to be frank with your DP and you're not rushing into anything. I hope it works out for you Smile

PS From what you've said, I still think C Grin

cocorouge · 22/03/2011 12:17

I think you should kiss C and then see how you feel. I didn't fancy my husband until I kissed him.
Hope it works out though it sound's so romantic like when harry met sally (sort of :0)

Original poster
FeelingOld · 22/03/2011 13:30

cocourouge - haha, like when harry met sally, I am 46 and C is 47 but I suppose it is quite romantic :) And I didnt say I didnt fancy C!!

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingOld · 24/03/2011 12:28

Well dp turned up unexpectedly yesterday, he has some holiday to use up so took some.
He noticed as soon as he arrived that something was wrong and I told him I am having doubts about where our relationship is going. He got very upset (as did i) and after a long talk we have decided to spend some time apart so he went home last night.
Since C told me about how he feels all i have been able to focus on is dp's bad points and how really we dont have a lot in common. I kind of have 2 lives, 1 life during the week and the holidays where I do stuff with C, alone and with the kids (we have tea together once a week, meet for coffee once, play badminton with the kids fortnightly, go bowling fortnightly and go out for days in the holidays and on weekends dp is working) and then I have my weekend life with dp where we go out on a fri night to the pub and basically have a lazy weekend cos dp never wants to go out anywhere.

I am not going to rush into anything with C, we have agreed to carry on as normal for now and just see how things progress in the future. We both need to be sure of our feelings before we take things further, especially as we both have children to consider too. We are going to take things slow and just see how it feels.

OP posts:
spooktrain · 24/03/2011 13:05

well it must be a relief to have got that conversation out of the way. Enjoy getting to know C in a new way :)

cocorouge · 24/03/2011 13:11

sounds like a plan! Dying to know what the chemistry is once things start rolling. Let us know.

Original poster
FeelingOld · 24/03/2011 16:33

cocorouge and spooktrain - yes it is a relief and I feel that I am doing the right thing. Still need to speak to dp next week so we can both say how we feel after being apart, its not going to be easy because I care about him a lot and I just dont want to hurt him but obviously i have and for that i feel dreadful.
When I am ready C would like to take me on a 'date' and see how we go (although we have been out for meals, drinks etc together before). Its gonna be weird but I think i might like it.

OP posts:
Dozer · 24/03/2011 19:37

Just snog c!

Original poster
FeelingOld · 26/03/2011 17:55

Haha, Dozer, thats to the point!! :)

OP posts:
BestNameEver · 26/03/2011 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hairylights · 26/03/2011 18:24

I agree with annapolly you sound like all of this is about practical arrangements, and that neither of these men give you butterflies! It doesn't sound like there's a good future with your dp if you are
already bailing him out financially.

Original poster
FeelingOld · 26/03/2011 18:51

BestNameEver - I think you are right, I might lose him to someone else if he stays just my friend..........and i would love to be Feelingyoung lol

Hairylights - Actually, I met C in town this morning for a coffee (as we have done lots of times before) and i found myself feeling nervous about meeting him and what i looked like which i would not normally do and he gave me a kiss goodbye (just a peck on my cheek) but i did get butterflies in my tummy.

It was so weird, he has met me loads of time and given me a peck loads of times but since he told me how he feels I feel like a nervous teenager!!

OP posts:
PorkChopSter · 26/03/2011 18:56

There's some of your answer then!

Dozer · 26/03/2011 19:09

Oooh, next time meet in a bar!

Original poster
FeelingOld · 16/04/2011 09:57

Well thought i would update you on whats been going on.

Dp and I talked and decided that what we want for the future is very different so we have ended things. The more i think about it the more i have realised how different we are, i like going to cinema, eating out and trying new foods, curling up on sofa with a glass of wine, long walks in countryside and he likes going to pub, plain food and watching sport on tv. We are both upset because we have had some good times together but i think its the right thing to do even if i does not work out with C.

Anyway, been seeing C as usual for tea and badminton etc but tonight we have a 'date'. He is taking me out for a meal. We have been out for meals together loads of times before but i am feeling really nervous and excited. Been out and bought a new outfit and I feel like a silly teenager. Someone mentioned before about not getting butterflies in my tummy, well i am getting them now thinking about seeing C tonight.

We have not said anything to our kids, they just see it as normal so we just gonna see how things go.

OP posts:
Dozer · 16/04/2011 11:02

Hope you have a great time!

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