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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's like car crash TV but I can't stop and it's making me so angry

53 replies

JenMiley · 19/03/2011 23:51

Brief run down - DP and I broke up a few weeks ago. He moved out. Relationship had more or less broken down months before that but it kept hanging on like a frayed piece of string until finally it snapped. So he moved out but we said we'd stay together but live seperately. That didn't work because once he moved out he didn't bother to contact me at al unless it was about money. I had it out with him and we both agreed it wasn't going to work so we'd just stay as friends. He told me he just wasn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship and he wanted to be single. He SPECIFICALLY said he wasn't going to go looking for anyone else.

Within a week of him moving out, I went to log onto facebook and it automatically logged me into his (as he'd used it on my pc). Morbid curiosity took over and I looked in his messages to see he'd immediately began sending messages to a girl from work. Now this girl is mid 20s, very nice (I've spoken to her) and has just come back from travelling. She sent him a message saying she was getting everyone's numbers from work. He sent her his complete with lots of kisses . I also know that he then went out and bought her a rabbit greetings card (professional hand made from ebay) PLUS a signed rabbit painting PLUS a £30 frame as a birthday pressie. This pissed me off because he would never spend a penny on me and at Christmas got me to agree to a deal where we didn't buy anything for each other as money was tight but all the time we were together he never bought me a thing and to rub salt in the wound even more, rabbits were always an interest him and me shared.

So anyway I let it go (had to really!we're officially not together anymore!) but since then I've had overwhelming urges to log into his facebook to check on his progress with this girl. There were no more messages after this initial convo but tonight he sent her a message asking if she was getting any of his texts as its not like her not to reply and he wants to take her birthday present around to her house. Obviously stalking the poor girl (who I think has actually got a boyfriend anyway!).

But I seem to be getting obsessed with it all and its making me so angry. I don't love him and I never want him back so why the morbid fastination with what he's upto??

Tonight I logged into his email account and saw that he's joined two dating sites. He's only been moved out of here for 3 weeks ffs. His profile states that honesty and good communication is the most important thing in a relationship - well that's him fucked then because he's shit at both.

I know I need to stop and its a massive invasion of privacy but it has all made me so angry. When we were together he disrespected me, constantly nagged for sex yet BLATENTLY didn't like me that much!! wouldn't spend so much as a fiver on me, lied to me constantly and I basically treated me like rubbish. Then he moves out and is desperately trying to hook the next poor fish. Why am I winding myself in such a way. I shouldn't be interested, I know but it's like a car crash. You don't want to look but ....

OP posts:

Original poster

JenMiley · 19/03/2011 23:54

God, reading that back I sound like a complete nutcase stalker.

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lubeybooby · 19/03/2011 23:55

You're right this HAS to stop. It's none of your business and how would you feel if someone was nosying into your personal accounts?

Fess up and get him to change his passwords, or at least change the passwords to something you won't remember and log out.

PurveyorOfWoo · 19/03/2011 23:56

For real?

Move on love

SueWhite · 19/03/2011 23:58

It does make you sound quite weird, sorry!

I think technology can make us all a bit stalky though, so much opportunity!

But it's harassment and really not on

Original poster

JenMiley · 20/03/2011 00:01

I know, I know. I agree with you all. I'm not going to try and defend myself. I'm just so angry at him. I feel like I should have it out with him about the way he treat me when we were together but I also know it won't do any good. I'm so bitter about it I think this is where it's all stemming from. He treat me like shit from day one and the way he's desperately trying to move on just confirms he never gave a shit about me. I suppose what's getting to me also is the fact that every relationship I've been in has been similar and I'm just so sick of not meaning anything to people.

(I'll send him a text tomorow reminding him that I still know his passwords and suggest he change them).

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LaurieFairyCake · 20/03/2011 00:02

It's not harassment or stalkery if you don't do anything about it and he doesn't know. You're not harming anyone but yourself.

Maybe you 're harming yourself so you can get properly angry and then be able to let him go.

Get angry, let it out (safely) and then you'll let him go.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/03/2011 00:04

And after reading your next post make sure that you're more demanding in the next relationship,sounds like you're not used to getting your needs met at all.

expatinscotland · 20/03/2011 00:05

Sounds normal to me.

You know he's a twat, though, so eventually you'll start to move on.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 20/03/2011 00:05

Jen..I can identify with this, but please, for your mental health don't look for stuff anymore. I signed in to xp email account, found out he was "seeing someone on a regular basis". That was that, didn't log in after that, found out all I needed to know. Hold your head up and let this man go..

Original poster

JenMiley · 20/03/2011 00:06

I've always been too placid and let people walk all over me but I've slowly started to change and I think that's when he decided he'd leave I suppose I'm actually more angry at myself for putting up with such a twat in the first place.

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thumbwitch · 20/03/2011 00:08

TBH, I understand why you're doing it but agree that you need to stop.

It's not about how shit he is as a person, or how much you don't want to be with him - it's about YOUR self-confidence. He treated you like rubbish - why? But now he is treating someone else much better - so in your head this is all about how he thought of YOU, how little respect he had for YOU, and WHY? you're probably thinking "what was so wrong with me, why couldn't he be nice to me, etc. etc"

And the reason is:
because you lack self-confidence and self-belief. You have a beacon on your head that says something along the lines of "no self-confidence here, feel free to treat me like shit and I'll still take it"
Get some therapy - counselling, life coaching, assertiveness training - that will help you with your self-confidence and when you start radiating that instead of your current position, nicer men will turn up and start to treat you with respect because you EXPECT it and you DESERVE it, dammit!

textualhealing · 20/03/2011 00:12

JenMiley, don't beat yourself up over this. I think a lot of us would have done the same. Best wishes for the future.

Original poster

JenMiley · 20/03/2011 00:13

Thanks Thumbwitch, you're 100% right. My issue is totally why he's treating her so much better than he ever treated me. The birthday present pissed me off so much because when we were together, he'd buy me a boy of chocolates in the sale for my birthday and expect me to be overjoyed. He'd never have spent over £10 on me unless he was 100% certain I'd be spending more than that on him. Now this birthday present complete with frame and card etc has cost him in the region on £50 yet he barely knows her. Shows how much he thought about me, right?

Argh I'm just annoyed, frustrated, angry, bitter - what a complete tosser.

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WillIEverBeASizeTen · 20/03/2011 00:13

thumbwitch here here...

NameChange1234 · 20/03/2011 01:15

I bet the woman from work thinks he's crazy. It's simply inappropriate to spend that much on someone at work unless you're super rich or best friends. You're well rid and he's making a fool of himself. You've not done anything too bad here and I'm sure someone better will be along for you room.

NameChange1234 · 20/03/2011 01:17

I meant soon obviously. Bloody predictive text!

spidookly · 20/03/2011 01:36

Um, it is stalking even if he never finds out.

Presumably he treats her better than he treated you because he never gave a shit about you.

That's what it means when someone treats you badly from the start.

Why did you put up with it?

Either way, what you have been doing is a massive invasion of privacy and completely unjustifiable.

spidookly · 20/03/2011 01:38

Having a crush on someone who has a boyfriend and trying to get their attention is nowhere near as bad as spying on your ex.

MigratingCoconuts · 20/03/2011 08:03

yes, I agree with the posters here. get off FB and move on. Go out with friends, join a gym, join a club/night school....something that creates a new life for you and builds your confidence.

The OW probably does think he is some meirdo loser and you are reading too much into it.

thumbwitch is right, this is all about the anger you have about how you were treated. Don't let anyone do that again to you.

MigratingCoconuts · 20/03/2011 08:04

'weirdo'

warthog · 20/03/2011 08:12

jen, i think you're more mad with yourself that you let him do this to you.

you know that you have to move on, but also forgive yourself and just make yourself the promise that you won't let anyone treat you like that again.

Original poster

JenMiley · 20/03/2011 08:25

Ok, new day :)

I agree, I am a wierdo lol

I know it's not funny really and I NEVER usually act like this. It stopped from last night after I read back what I'd put on here.
My confidence has increased tons since christmas and I honestly think that's what made him want to leave anyway. I started pulling him up on the way he spoke to me "who do you think you're talking to? if you expect a response from me, change the way you're talking to me" etc etc and he hated it. I have been going out with friends since he left and I have a big night out planned for the beginning of April which I'm looking forward to, getting an expensive hair-do next week and spending a bit on new clothes.

My confidence has honestly increased massiveley - which may be the reason I'm kinda sat here open mouthed and mortified thinking about the way he treated me.

I'm half tempted to join the dating site myself - it would be nice to spend a bit of time with a normal bloke but I know it's far too soon. It can wait.

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Lucyinthepie · 20/03/2011 08:27

From what you say he was a pain in the arse when you were with him, and now he's gone so good riddance. Stop looking up what he's doing and move on, you'll have much more fun.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/03/2011 08:30

It's also a sad fact that some people don't respect what they don't have to work for. Quite likely he didn't spend money on you because he felt he'd got you already, so what was the point of further niceness? With this other one she is not necessarily nicer than you, in fact he may not even think she's nicer. She is more of a challenge because, for various reasons, currently less available. So he's set himself this new project of luring her, accepting it's going to cost money at first. It's a cold-hearted investment, not a warm outpouring of generosity. Supposing she were unwary enough to fall for this game (having watched too many romantic comedies perhaps) you can bet your bottom dollar that Mr Nice would stop bothering as soon as he perceived she was well hooked; then, after a period of treating her like the dirt on his shoe, move on to someone else who presented a different challenge.

You've seen enough now. You've found out what sort of person he is. It really doesn't matter after this whether he succeeds with this woman or another or another. What he's trying to do is the point, not whether it works on some other poor sucker (unless you want to warn her, but who believes bitter-sounding ex-girlfriends?). Put the mouse down and step away slowly from the keyboard. He isn't worth stalking.

Btw I never pass up an opportunity to point out that Facebook is evil.

Original poster

JenMiley · 20/03/2011 08:35

Apparantly facebook is a factor in one in four divorces!

But yes I agree, he'd only be nice to her in the beginning and she probably is wondering what the hell he's playing at, she only sent him a message asking for his number as she'd lost all her contacts and he responds by buying her £50 worth of stuff and then by the sounds of it, starts nagging her for her address so he can take it all down.

He's making a twat of himself but then I suppose, so am I by stalking someone I don't even care about.

I need a skrink lol

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