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Original poster

It's like car crash TV but I can't stop and it's making me so angry

53 replies

JenMiley · 19/03/2011 23:51

Brief run down - DP and I broke up a few weeks ago. He moved out. Relationship had more or less broken down months before that but it kept hanging on like a frayed piece of string until finally it snapped. So he moved out but we said we'd stay together but live seperately. That didn't work because once he moved out he didn't bother to contact me at al unless it was about money. I had it out with him and we both agreed it wasn't going to work so we'd just stay as friends. He told me he just wasn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship and he wanted to be single. He SPECIFICALLY said he wasn't going to go looking for anyone else.

Within a week of him moving out, I went to log onto facebook and it automatically logged me into his (as he'd used it on my pc). Morbid curiosity took over and I looked in his messages to see he'd immediately began sending messages to a girl from work. Now this girl is mid 20s, very nice (I've spoken to her) and has just come back from travelling. She sent him a message saying she was getting everyone's numbers from work. He sent her his complete with lots of kisses Hmm. I also know that he then went out and bought her a rabbit greetings card (professional hand made from ebay) PLUS a signed rabbit painting PLUS a £30 frame as a birthday pressie. This pissed me off because he would never spend a penny on me and at Christmas got me to agree to a deal where we didn't buy anything for each other as money was tight Hmm but all the time we were together he never bought me a thing and to rub salt in the wound even more, rabbits were always an interest him and me shared.

So anyway I let it go (had to really!we're officially not together anymore!) but since then I've had overwhelming urges to log into his facebook to check on his progress with this girl. There were no more messages after this initial convo but tonight he sent her a message asking if she was getting any of his texts as its not like her not to reply and he wants to take her birthday present around to her house. Obviously stalking the poor girl (who I think has actually got a boyfriend anyway!).

But I seem to be getting obsessed with it all and its making me so angry. I don't love him and I never want him back so why the morbid fastination with what he's upto??

Tonight I logged into his email account and saw that he's joined two dating sites. He's only been moved out of here for 3 weeks ffs. His profile states that honesty and good communication is the most important thing in a relationship - well that's him fucked then because he's shit at both.

I know I need to stop and its a massive invasion of privacy but it has all made me so angry. When we were together he disrespected me, constantly nagged for sex yet BLATENTLY didn't like me that much!! wouldn't spend so much as a fiver on me, lied to me constantly and I basically treated me like rubbish. Then he moves out and is desperately trying to hook the next poor fish. Why am I winding myself in such a way. I shouldn't be interested, I know but it's like a car crash. You don't want to look but ....

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 20/03/2011 08:35

Cross posted with your morning update, and another thought occurred. He may be on a long-term search for someone who will put up with being treated like the dirt on etc etc. You failed the test (thank goodness). Next time he may be more subtle, slower on the build-up, checking for a bigger doormat.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 20/03/2011 08:39

Jen - many of us would have done what you did - don't feel 'weird' :)

However, you are worth 10 of him and it's time to move onward & upward!! You've made a good start and anytime you are feeling sad - just remember what an absolute bloody tosser he really is!!

LOL - you could, while you still have access, alter his profiles a little... Grin 'Honesty and communication are important in a relationship' It's a shame I'm shit at both etc.... Grin Other women should be warned don't you think Wink

Yes, yes, I know - it's terrible... and?

Original poster
JenMiley · 20/03/2011 08:41

Well Annie, I have to wonder because on his dating profile he's put that honesty and communication are the most important things in a relationship - he's ripped that straight from me!!! it was what I told him whilst we were discussing splitting!!! Thing is he's a compulsive liar, I mean you could not trust a word that comes from this man's mouth. He lies about EVERYTHING with seemingly no remorse. Even when faced with evidence he will continue to lie to the point where you begin the question yourself!!
And communication?! well he can't even keep a conversation going. When we were together he barely spoke, if I spoke to him he'd simply grunt answers or just interupt me with something he wanted to say which was "so much more important".

I'm wondering if he's perhaps decided to have a go at being the kind of man that I always wanted him to be?

OP posts:
Original poster
JenMiley · 20/03/2011 08:42

Or more likely - he's bullshiting on his profile too!

Sorry chipping, crossed post - LOVE that idea! haha Wink

OP posts:
spidookly · 20/03/2011 08:43

I'd say phones are a factor in an even higher number of divorces.

Are they evil?

Original poster
JenMiley · 20/03/2011 08:44

Good point Spidookly

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 20/03/2011 08:47

You know what they say: the great thing is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

spidookly · 20/03/2011 08:47

It's terrible and totally fucking shit.

If a woman came on here saying her ex was hacking into her e-mail and facebook accounts to keep track of new relationships people would be horrified. Rightly.

Do that many people really think stalking is just an amusing little pastime?

MigratingCoconuts · 20/03/2011 08:54

oh crap! I was correcting my spelling of 'weirdo', not calling you one Blush sorry! I see how that looks now...

i think he's the weirdo...you are sounding very normal in your reactions.

Please forgive my crappy post.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/03/2011 09:00

And no, Spidookly, I don't think phones are evil. It's mainly just one of my unreasoning prejudices (I have a whole bundle), but I could make a long-winded and probably specious defence of it. This isn't the place, but it's a good idea for a thread...

Original poster
JenMiley · 20/03/2011 09:33

Migrating - ah! I thought you were just saying what everyone else was thinking Wink hehe!

Spidookly - I don't think it's an ammusing past time and I've already admitted I'm in the wrong. I've also said I've put a stop to it. I'm now trying to understand why I did it in the first place - some kind of self-punishment I suspect, beating myself up for allowing him to treat me in the way that he did.

Annie - that is a great quote! (Sincerity)

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 20/03/2011 10:36

no..i think you would be a weirdo if you did the FB thing and didn't come on here agonising about what an idiot you were being but, instead, carried on as though stalking your total loser of an ex was a completely reasonable thing to do Wink

Its your own realisation that this ultimately unacceptable that makes you perfectly normal and sane.

feeblephoebe · 20/03/2011 10:55

log out, clear the cookies and the passwords and unless you know them, you wont be able to log back in again and wont be tempted

this is the 2nd thread i have read from you angry that he got her rabbit stuff

so what? he is nothing to do with you anymore, he wants to move on

PeterAndreForPM · 20/03/2011 12:31

what's with the rabbit fixation ? Grin

PeterAndreForPM · 20/03/2011 12:34

btw, OP, it seems MN has helped you to realise you are acting like a nutcase

your ex comes across as a sad fuck actually...you are well out of it

find yourself a grown-up

spidookly · 20/03/2011 13:35

Sorry JenMiley, my argument is not with you but with all the people telling you that what you are doing is normal/understandable/amusing.

It's none of those things.

I wish you all the best in getting your head back together. Counselling might be a good idea to help you figure out this obsessive behaviour.

thumbwitch · 20/03/2011 13:42

Spidookly - what she has been doing IS understandable but it STILL has to stop and I for one have said this, and the OP has acknowledged it.

It is not amusing at all, I agree; but it isn't ABnormal either - before FB, it wasn't uncommon for dumpees to try to find out what their ex was up to in other ways, such as sitting outside their house, asking mutual friends etc.

spidookly · 20/03/2011 13:57

She's not just using facebook follow what he's up to and torture herself with it.

She's hacking into his account so that she can read private messages and has now started hacking into his e-mail.

That's not the equivalent of asking mutual friends how he is. It's the equivalent of accessing his voicemail without permission to see who's phoning and standing outside his home watching to see who goes in and out.

It is scary, disturbing behaviour and nobody deserves to be on the receiving end of it, no matter how much of a dick their ex makes out they are.

Would you think it was understandable if a man you broke up with stalked you in this manner? Or would you feel violated and threatened?

thumbwitch · 20/03/2011 14:12

Spidookly, I said it was wrong, I said it should stop and I agree it is in no way amusing. But it IS understandable that people do these things when they have the ability to do so - and he left his FB account logged on for her to get into; plus she must know his email log-on.

But the OP must stop because it is wrong.
Being understandable doesn't make it right, nor that I agree with it - I can just understand why she feels the need to do it. I am not condoning it in any way, can you see that?

spidookly · 20/03/2011 14:21

I think that saying something is understandable partially excuses it.

Part of the battle to get stalking recognised as a crime was making the argument that actually, no just because you feel hard done by because you were dumped doesn't make obsessively following someone around and invading their privacy "understandable".

I would not find it understandable if I was the victim of this kind of behaviour, and I don't think most people on this thread would be if a man was doing it to a woman.

That it was easy is no excuse. If I leave my front door open by accident it doesn't mean you should just walk into my home and start rifling through my stuff.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 20/03/2011 17:30

spidookly - it seems to have hit a raw nerve with you and I'm sorry for whatever has caused that.

However, it is 'normal' directly after a break up to see what an ex is up to on Facebook and read their messages if he's been stupid enough to have left it logged in and to read his emails if they are there ... it might not be 'right' but it's not 'stalking' and it's not 'obsessive' and it's not 'hacking'.

I guess we just have to agree to disagree - but I bet there aren't many people who wouldn't have read his messages in the same situation.

MigratingCoconuts · 20/03/2011 17:38

Yes, you do seemed to be over egging this spidookly. Its stalking if she continues but the fact she has done it in the first place does seem to me to be a fairly normal reaction.

the key thing is to stop and move on.

MigratingCoconuts · 20/03/2011 17:40

and yes, if he found out, he would be in his rights to call her a sad stalking fucker who needs to get a life.

That's the mess that is breaking up...Smile

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 20/03/2011 20:58

Stalking and being pissed off are two completely different things. I used my ex's password (given not stolen) on his email account. I was neither obsessive nor a stalker, just disgruntled/upset/unhappy. Do I regret it, yes and no. Would I do it again, no. Didn't make me feel good, but it was meant to be. Certainly don't condone it either. I would say most women would do this is in this situation (or maybe I'm just a sad loser)

spidookly · 20/03/2011 21:06

It hasn't hit a raw nerve at all.

Except the "Right, women are fine with stalking when it's women doing the stalking" double standards nerve.

Sorry, but is clearly IS stalking, obsessive and hacking.

She is accessing his private accounts, repeatedly, without his knowledge or permission, using information he trusted her with when they were together.

He may have been stupid to trust her. Clearly he was stupid to trust her. But as I said before, my stupid behaviour doesn't justify your unethical, and in this case arguably illegal, behaviour.

I had no idea Mumsnet was OK with ex-boyfriends spying on women who had recently dumped them. You learn something new every day.

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