MIL the matriarch

[cashmere]

Hi

Wanting some advice re handling my domineering MIL.
DP and I were together for 18 months when I became pregnant (planned) and I got on with PIL well, though obviously hadn't known them for long.
SORRY THIS WILL BE LONG!!
When DS was born I found MIl hard work and very in my face. I didn't have PN depression, work with kids, am educated and coped well with becoming a mother, but from the start she would subtley interfere. E.g. rush to grab baby from me by saying 'shall I take him?' whilst grabbing him, be reluctant to hand him over for feeds (complained that I breastfeed as she couldn't feed him- still does as she wants to have him overnight- DS is 12 months).
When we would arrive for visits she would grab his carseat and then sit it down next to her and as far from me as poss (ie on the floor far from the sofas) if he was still asleep . Maybe doesn't sound much but frustrating when DPs family would arrive with gifts/ to meet him and we weren't able to introduce him as he was hogged by her. I felt like a bystander. She would also rearrange his clothing and when I put his carseat in the car her hands would appear by mine trying to take over as I did the straps up! She wouldn't back off even if I kept my hands there.

All sounds quite minor and petty... and I assumed I was an overprotective hormonal Mum of a PFB. I always made a concious effort to ensure she did get 'alone time' without me hovering around.

Since then this pattern has continued:-
At a picnic when DS was 3 months old he was crying as it was windy- it was a party so we had to stay for a while. She constantly grabbed at him and when DP and I took him for a walk to a sheltered spot she tagged along and wouldn't give us any space. Again when introducing him to friends she was the one who handed him over for cuddles as she kept taking him from my arms.

At another family event at 8 months he cried when faced by the big crowd and she grabbed him from me before I had a chance to settle him. She also kept taking him off to quiet corners by herself to play and at lunchtime put a highchair at her table not ours- got DP to move it- then as soon as we had eaten she appeared to take him.

At DS's christening last month MIL deliberately sat right behind us and kept trying to distract him with toys- I'd bought a selection with me. At the party she again sat the highchair at her table (let her get on with it so could mingle). She then wouldn't let anyone else get a look in. BIL carried DS on his shoulders she hovered telling him to be careful, when Bro and Sis playing with DS on floor she swooped in and took him away, when my Dad offered to have a turn pushing DS to sleep she wouldn't let him. At one point I thoguht she had been carrying him around for long enough and took him off her she followed me across the room and stood behind me trying to entice him with toys over my shoulder. My friend (who I have never discussed this with) actually commented that MIL really didn't want to hand DS to me. My friend also noticed that she questioned my decision to give him Calpol- and said she was shocked as I'm his mother.

The catch is that PIL look after DS 3 days a week and have done since he was 9 months old. He has settled really well there. We would struggle to afford nursery but may look into him doing a day or so whe he turns 2.

Today at his birthday gathering I again felt sidelined. She wanted to feed him and I decided to stand my ground- but 5 times during the meal she stood up to straighten his bib, move some food etc. She hovered on the edge of her seat like she was uncomfortable with me 'being Mum'. When I went to the kitchen to get his yoghurt when I returned she was in my seat and said 'I'll feed him'. I stood my ground but it made me feeding him uncomfortable as I was being watched.
Every time he walked past her to wander into the kitchen she held her arms out to encourage him to go to her. When he banged his head I cuddled him and she took him and said 'I can tell when he's really hurt he's fine' (like I couldn't). She also spent the whole time regaling everyone with tales of 'what he does at her house' (which are they same things he does with me and DP).

I feel like I'm being sidelined at gatherings and not able to rejoice in our wondeful DS I also feel I'm generally not being respected.

Thoughts please- how would you handle this?

That must be so frustrating and really hard work for you.

I am a very straight forward and blunt person and I have to admit, if it was my MIL, I would just tell her to p**s off and remind her that the child was mine, however it is obvious she really loves her granchild, so maybe a little more tact would be better.

Have you talked to her about this? I don't mean accuse her, or have a go at her, but explain that you know she loves her Granchild, but how she makes you feel when she picks them up all the time etc. You could explain that it makes you feel a bit useless as a mother and that you are very capable of looking after your own child.

If you can't talk to her, then you need to continue doing what you have been doing and ensure you are strict about not leting her take over. If she picks your DS up, then go and take him back. If she constantly hovers, ask her to move away to give DS some space. If she interferes when other people are playing with DS, then take her gently by the arm and distract her.

If all else face - do what Lucy would do and tell her to P**s off - lol.

she does half his parenting, you cant be surprised she feels she has a say in how he should be brought up

rightly or wrongly

In your position I'd take a sabbatical from work and look after him full-time myself for a while. Then I'd explain to MIL how want her to take a normal gm's role. When time comes to return to work look into alternative care / reduced hours / whatever ....

Difficult to tell her to piss off when they are being so helpful with childcare.

But i think you have to stand your ground..he is your baby after all.

MIL would have done this but i just didn't let her and i had DPs support.

She can't take him from your arms unless you let her.
Just hold on to him and say 'no,he's fine here thanks' in a firm voice.

If he's with her 3 days a week, her boundaries are probably a little lax.

If you don't like it, you need to consider alternative child care.

Three days a week isn't half the parenting....you wouldn't say a childminder did half the parenting.

They look after a child during the day.

Thanks Lucy, think I'm best just to do the not letting her take over bit. It's frustrating as my family live a couple hours away too and I would expect that she would allow them to have special time together- he's the only baby in our family!!

Feeble- she doesn't really do half his parenting- she's not awake in the night! It isn't really about 'having a say' either, more physically backing off. I have tried to be understanding and respectful of 'their' relationship. I think maybe I just need to stand my ground more as she doesn't do this to DP's sister.

You need to be able to have frank and honest (whilst remaining kind, where humanly possible) conversations with those who care for your child in your absence. Whether this is a nanny, cm, or, in this case, mil.

Ultimately, you need to explain that whilst you really appreciate her having him x3 a week, and value their involvement in his lives, you feel pushed out by her actions at family gatherings etc.. You need to get DP on side with this, this conversation should be spearheaded by him in fact.

If she doesn't take it well, or DH doesn't agree its an issue, or you can't talk honestly with her, then you should re-think childcare arrangements, as it won't end well.

Honestly, if that was me I would stop her seeing him. But im stubborn and explosive and in sure your a better PersOn than me.

Sorry, got confused as to whether he is your dH or dP (not that it matters).

Another idea is to perhaps get DP to talk to PIL, since there doesn't seem to be an issue there. To give a heads up that you two need to discuss this with mil, and tat the childcare arrangment won't work out if you can't get her to back off and let your family have a turn, etc..

Yep she sounds like a nightmare but while you use her for free childcare you cannot alter the boundaries. You need to put him in nursery IMO.

Hmm maybe a discussion would be better as it may stop the jostling to be Mum which could I guess continue indefinately- will chat to DP (who thinks that his Mum is just being PITA and does already help me stand my ground when asked).
Also to those who may think I'm sounding ungrateful, I realise what a huge commitmnet PIL are making looking after DS. I also realise I'm lucky as he has settled so well. It's just she always said that she would 'do what I wanted' so I thought it would be fine using them as childcare.

DP will be DH at end of the year! Maybe that will improve my ranking!

We have a brilliant video of me taking DS1 away to feed him when we were all out for a garden pub lunch.

He had been sitting next to MIL in a car seat and the video clearly showed her full on cats bum mouth as i walked off with him.

Dp hadn't noticed till i pointed it out to him.

He laughed out loud and said that was the face he'd always associate with her

Your MIL obviously has a great relationship with him..and because she has him a few days a week in her home maybe she feels like her own DS all over again.

Your his mother though so you might just have to remind her of that on the times you feel uncomfortable by her closeness. "Its ok granny I'm mummy" Hold onto him, be firm. If she follows you ask her for a "can I have few minutes please with my DS"

Of course its lovely she is taking such an interest in her GC. But not if your feeling left out.

And just remember kids grow up and eventually don't want anyone(at family gatherings/parties) other than their cousins or their favourite toy.

"she does half his parenting" rubbish!

Perhaps you need to be blunt. "I know you look after ds 3 days a week which you love,but he is our son and part of my family too stop hogging him"?

I don't think she's going to stop having him it sounds the opposite that she's living her life through him.

God, this sounds like my mil.

I remember when dd1 was born, every time she made a slight noise mil would leap up to the moses basket.

And still, 8 years on and now dd2 too (who is coming up 4) it is the same.

We went to a family do and mil just completely took over, even though I was there. So, I know how you feel.

It is hard, as you have your in-laws looking after your ds, so you need to tread carefully. However, I fear you may need to say something, otherwise you may explode!!

Good luck

Reeling would love to video the set up- would prob be hilarious and very telling. Maybe we could all sit round and watch it together.....
Actually the 1st time he climber their stairs MIL wanted a staged photo of him climbing up towards her.

Thanks for all your responses (briefly considered posting on AIBU but decided I'd be flamed). I'll have a mull over it tonight and tomorrow and then have a chat to DP. I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill but sexonlegs you're right one day I might explode!

Ugh, I have been there, still am there to some extent. Lots of what you say sounds familiar although my MIL doesn't do any childcare. I have found that she has calmed down slightly with time, DS1 is now 5, but he was the first grandchild (and as DH is an only child our children will be her only gc) and she can be suffocating. Things improved a bit when we had DS2 - she can't hold 2DGCs at once. I have heard her, when one of my DS's says "mummy?" answer "yessy?". She is regularly to be found perched on my bed in her nightie first thing in the morning the minute she hears that one of DS's is up and about (they usually come and get into bed with me for a cuddle when they wake up) and I'm sure she'd happily have a tug of war with me for them but I just let her take them off to her room (it freaks me out too much to have her sitting there in the first place!) At times I get extremely stressed about it (in fact I posted about her in Feb) but at other times I take a deep breath and try to let it wash over me provided the DSs are OK - which they generally are, they adore her and she's their grandmother and I respect that.

No advice really other than to say that I am not a particularly confrontational kind of person (and it sounds as if you aren't either) so I have never confronted her about it. Each incident seems too petty in itself and 5 years down the line I feel that it's a bit late in the day to do it now. But there is definitely a cumulative effect. I knew from the moment she first visited after DS1's birth that her approach was going to grate horribly with me - whereas DH has only really started to see how overbearing she can be in the past year or so. I do stand firm with her sometimes - like when she took 4 day old DS2 out of his moses basket and carried him into the garden (he started bawling his head off) and I saw her frantically bouncing him up and down I just strode out and said "can I take him inside please?". But sometimes I have to give myself a pep talk to remind myself I am a grown-up and their mother and if I'm not happy about something I owe it to them to say something. I'm still wimping out on how to address the fact she reads them bible stories when she visits despite the fact I've told her I'm an atheist - have decided it's not going to harm them but it makes me feel uncomfortable as she does it in my kitchen whilst I'm clearing up/cooking whatever...

Having said all this my dad has also wound me up a treat in some similar ways since becoming a grandfather. There are definite issues with riding roughshod over boundaries, personal space and parents' wishes there too. Hey ho. Good luck!

PS wise decision not to post on AIBU. I posted on there in Feb and did get flamed. Had to run away...

My parents are like this and it's stressful, but tbh I think it will be v difficult to resolve while your mil is providing (free?) childcare. You can't have it all ways.

Minimuffin, can totally relate!

I'd put him in child care even if it's only for one day. U can just say it's to get him used to nursery so it's not such a shock later. I personally rather pay for child care than have a regular arrNgement with my pil or own parents as both did things that were annoying in there own ways but I had to ignore it for peace sake. Now dd is at primary and Ds at nursery half days so I see them for pleasure sake rather than childcare and I'm a lot happier

Hi

Those last 2 posts are making me wonder whether I'm best to ignore for now and then begin nursery for a day or so when he is 2 (would want a childminder before then but using a CM would def offend MIL).
We don't pay for PIL to care for him, we have offered but they refuse. We do regularly get her flowers and I provide all his meals and snacks and of course send all his clothes.

The fact that they are providing free childcare does make it difficult but it is best for DS to be with them when he is still so young, I think.

The problem is that I wonder if it is best to 'nip it in the bud', in terms of her taking over when I'm there. I don't want this to be an issue in years to come and to regret not sorting it sooner. Will make a concious effort to stand my ground consistently and get my family to do the same if we do all meet up (it's not their style to get into battles over a child either).

We live in rented accomodation and are 30 mins away so when nursery/school begins the level of contact will peter out anyway. They would love us to move nearer (to help with school runs etc!), but will make sure we keep some level of distance if we do move ever.

Are they looking after your child for free? Saving you money? Think you should be grateful at their generosity and say nothing or move him. Don't think you can have your cake and eat it