Hi
Wanting some advice re handling my domineering MIL.
DP and I were together for 18 months when I became pregnant (planned) and I got on with PIL well, though obviously hadn't known them for long.
SORRY THIS WILL BE LONG!!
When DS was born I found MIl hard work and very in my face. I didn't have PN depression, work with kids, am educated and coped well with becoming a mother, but from the start she would subtley interfere. E.g. rush to grab baby from me by saying 'shall I take him?' whilst grabbing him, be reluctant to hand him over for feeds (complained that I breastfeed as she couldn't feed him- still does as she wants to have him overnight- DS is 12 months).
When we would arrive for visits she would grab his carseat and then sit it down next to her and as far from me as poss (ie on the floor far from the sofas) if he was still asleep . Maybe doesn't sound much but frustrating when DPs family would arrive with gifts/ to meet him and we weren't able to introduce him as he was hogged by her. I felt like a bystander. She would also rearrange his clothing and when I put his carseat in the car her hands would appear by mine trying to take over as I did the straps up! She wouldn't back off even if I kept my hands there.
All sounds quite minor and petty... and I assumed I was an overprotective hormonal Mum of a PFB. I always made a concious effort to ensure she did get 'alone time' without me hovering around.
Since then this pattern has continued:-
At a picnic when DS was 3 months old he was crying as it was windy- it was a party so we had to stay for a while. She constantly grabbed at him and when DP and I took him for a walk to a sheltered spot she tagged along and wouldn't give us any space. Again when introducing him to friends she was the one who handed him over for cuddles as she kept taking him from my arms.
At another family event at 8 months he cried when faced by the big crowd and she grabbed him from me before I had a chance to settle him. She also kept taking him off to quiet corners by herself to play and at lunchtime put a highchair at her table not ours- got DP to move it- then as soon as we had eaten she appeared to take him.
At DS's christening last month MIL deliberately sat right behind us and kept trying to distract him with toys- I'd bought a selection with me. At the party she again sat the highchair at her table (let her get on with it so could mingle). She then wouldn't let anyone else get a look in. BIL carried DS on his shoulders she hovered telling him to be careful, when Bro and Sis playing with DS on floor she swooped in and took him away, when my Dad offered to have a turn pushing DS to sleep she wouldn't let him. At one point I thoguht she had been carrying him around for long enough and took him off her she followed me across the room and stood behind me trying to entice him with toys over my shoulder. My friend (who I have never discussed this with) actually commented that MIL really didn't want to hand DS to me. My friend also noticed that she questioned my decision to give him Calpol- and said she was shocked as I'm his mother.
The catch is that PIL look after DS 3 days a week and have done since he was 9 months old. He has settled really well there. We would struggle to afford nursery but may look into him doing a day or so whe he turns 2.
Today at his birthday gathering I again felt sidelined. She wanted to feed him and I decided to stand my ground- but 5 times during the meal she stood up to straighten his bib, move some food etc. She hovered on the edge of her seat like she was uncomfortable with me 'being Mum'. When I went to the kitchen to get his yoghurt when I returned she was in my seat and said 'I'll feed him'. I stood my ground but it made me feeding him uncomfortable as I was being watched.
Every time he walked past her to wander into the kitchen she held her arms out to encourage him to go to her. When he banged his head I cuddled him and she took him and said 'I can tell when he's really hurt he's fine' (like I couldn't). She also spent the whole time regaling everyone with tales of 'what he does at her house' (which are they same things he does with me and DP).
I feel like I'm being sidelined at gatherings and not able to rejoice in our wondeful DS I also feel I'm generally not being respected.
Thoughts please- how would you handle this?