fertility problems threatening relationship

[sparksagainstsky]

Some of what I'm going to say isn't very nice but please bear with me and try not to be too judgmental, I am feel really crap about all of this.

My DP (soon to be DH) has been diagnosed with serious fertility problems. I am not in great shape either (age related) but apparently still able to conceive. Basically we are not going to be able to have our own biological child, together, unless we have IVF or ICSI.

This is the not very nice bit : I stuck with this relationship because I thought (probably rightly) that it was my last chance to start a family in the "normal" way. He is a lovely man but there have been some issues which earlier in my life might have been deal breakers. Nothing really serious but enough to make me think twice. However the prospect of starting a family made it count much less. This isn't as cold as it sounds. I do love him and care for him but the bottom line is that I can't face the prospect of a childless relationship with him

Time is running out for me aswell and I am very worried that if IVF/ICSI don't work, by the time we have gone through that whole process it will be too late for me to conceive naturally by other means (sperm donor).

We are due to get married this summer. I don't think I want to. I can't honestly say that I will be committing to him for better or worse, because I want a child more than I want him. I know it sounds awful.

Also, I am really dreading having to go through fertility treatments. I'm not sure our relationship will survive it anyway. I feel irrationally angry, very sad and quite distant from him at the moment. The little things which used to annoy be a bit are now very hard to cope with.

He seems to be coping ok with the diagnosis, just getting on with life and hoping for the best. Maybe that's the best thing to do but I can't. Other things are shit aswell, work and money problems.

I can't see the best way forward at the moment. Any words of wisdom please ?

If you are feeling like this now, i am not sure if you will ever get around it. It sounds as though you resent him for having fertility issues.
If you want a baby more than him, and you think you have time to find another partner who wants the same, you may be best leaving him.
Infertility is very hard on a relationship and puts it under extreme pressure.
Only you can decide what to do.

The way forward is in your post. You do not wish to marry this man. So please don't! For both you and him.

Infertility aside, you don't want this.

So don't do it.

I'd make two points,

1. You clearly don't love him. I've always thought that the person you're with is more important than the kids you may or may not have with them (if that makes sense). His being perfect for you, should outweight his infertility.

2. It might just be your fate not to have kids, plenty of people don't have kids and lead rewarding, full lives.

I feel for you.

Can I ask why he had tests? Have you been trying to conceive ?

I suppose in the past, people got married, tried to conceive and if they found out later they had fertility problems.

There was never any guarantee that either partner was fertile- it was a chance you took, because you wanted the person- not just a sperm donor or a womb!

Maybe you can ask yourself how you would have felt it things had evolved in that order- marriage, TTC then infertility diagnosis. Would you have left him?

You are in effect, in the same position as some owmen who marry due to their biological clock running out- the man is not exactly what they want but the overlook his shortcomings as they want a child. Your situation is harder because you know you would have to have intervention to conceive.

If you cannnot envisage a life without a child and it's possible that this relationship won't give you that- then how does that feel?

If you end this relationship and don't meet anyone before you are too old to have a child, what then? Will you regret losing this man?

Dont marry him. There is no guarantee that fertility treatment will work, and you are being grossly unfair on this man.

How old are you btw?

I faced a similar situation, and I'm not sure if my story is what you want to here, but I'll tell you anyway!

I was living with my DP and completely smitten when he confessed that he had known all along that he couldn't have children. Turns out he'd actually had a vasectomy years before. However, he said that since meeting me he'd changed his mind about kids, and would like to have them, and was prepared to use donor sperm to achieve this. A couple of years later when I was 35 and felt that time was of the essence, I brought the subject up again and said it's about time we went to a fertility clinic to set things in motion. Guess what - he'd changed his mind again, and didn't want children after all.

I was devastated. I was still totally in love with him, and felt that I just wasn't in the right place mentally to set about finding a new partner. It could have been years before I was ready for a new relationship, by which time it would probably be too late, as my blood tests (the hormone FSH) already showed a likely reduction in natural fertility.

So I decided to go it alone. I had treatment with donor sperm at a clinic, and left my ex (at his request) when I was pregnant.

At the end of the day, I wanted kids more than I wanted him. And he didn't want me enough to tolerate having children around. Ironically he changed his mind again when DS was born, but I know that he was only me he wanted back, not my son.

I am now 43 and I have 2 children, age 5 and nearly 2. And I'm still single. But I have absolutely no regrets about leaving my ex at all. If I'd stayed, he'd have happily got on with the rest of his life, while I'd have become depressed, bitter and resentful.

Late 30s poses tough choices. It wasn't easy but life doesn't always go the way we plan does it!

All the best, I hope you can work things out one way or another.

cabbageroses thank you. We have been trying to conceive for about 8 months. I am 36 so we had some tests. If we had found out after getting married I think I would just have tried to make the best of things. The problem is that now I know, getting married seem dishonest and unfair.

The problem is I can't envisage a childless life with this man. I am as you say exacly in the postion of women who marry due to the clock ticking and overlook shortcomings. It happens a lot. On the other hand there are plenty of women who only want a child because of the partner they are with so they still want the relationship even if they remain childless. I'm not in that position.

if I end this relationship I wouldn't try to meet anyone else, the likelihood is i would go down the sperm donor route and be a single mum. I will regret losing him but not more than i would regret not at least trying to have a child of my own.

Sorry for the typos - I'm at work!

Rebecca thanks so much for that post you've given me perspective and hope.

You have your answer here, sparks.

Don't beat yourself up so much!

A bit like Rebecca, I was married to a man who decided he never wanted any children.

We divorced.

I was 30 at the time and set about looking for alternative ways to start a family - co-parenting with a gay male couple, going it alone, etc.

I happened to meet DH, get remarried and now have 3 children.

But honestly, this isn't something you can compromise on, IME.

And IVF is serious - you'd have to inject yourself full of hormones which have side effects.

If this isn't for you, but nor is life with a man who definitely will not be able to procreate without it, then you need to move on.

You seem to have found the answer.

Why can you not envisage marriage with him without children? is it that children would somehow offset his inadequacies? "Dilute" his presence? There is another consideration - what if a child was disabled, or had some health problems or learning difficulties themselves? what if they placed a huge burden on you both? No one can guarantee a healthy child.

But why would you give up- when you are still so young- trying to meet anyone else?

"The problem is that now I know, getting married seem dishonest and unfair."

Agreed - but I would go a step further. Staying in this relationship whether you have children or not is dishonest unless you are prepared to tell him the things you have written here. Are you prepeared to show him this thread? I think not. Any self respecting man would not want to be in this sort of relationship, so do the honest thing and tell him how you feel.

By the way, if you think you couldn't face a childless life without this man, I am prepared to wager a lot of money that a life with this man and his children will be even worse.

Sorry if that's too blunt.

expat that's exactly how I feel - I can't compromise on wanting a child whereas I can compromise on pretty much everything else in the relationship.

cabbageroses my DP is a very easygoing person, relaxed to the point of total intertia sometimes. He is very sweet and kind but he is more than happy to mooch along seeing what comes. I am not that kind of person (not saying either is better or worse) and without a child/ren to raise, the relationship would feel purposeless to me. Also, he clearly likes me to mother him a bit and I could not cope with that long term.

If we did not have a healthy child they would still be our child, loved and wanted. I would deal with that alone if I had to.

I have (mentally) given up on meeting anyone new as my eggs are not in great shape either although still viable and I would not want to put that much pressure on a fledgling relationship.

givemesomespace why would it be worse ? There is nothing "wrong" with my DP. Saying "his children" implies there is something bad about him they would inherit. There isn't. It's just that this relationship is not one I would have chosen if there was no prospect of children. As I've already said he is a good, kind man who would make a great father. I'm sure there are many women who do the same. It's called "settling".

At 36, you are not out of time, by a few years. Long enough to get out of this relationship, and meet someone who you care about. Someone who you would want to be with regardless of if you have children with that person or not.

From reading your posts, once you do have a child, you wont want this man anymore anyway. So do him a favour and let him be free to be with someone who loves him too.

I am 41 and it is looking increasingly like I wont be able to have children. The thought of leaving my husband because of this has never even crossed my mind. Yes, I am gutted that I probably wont have a child of my own, (husband has 3 grown up children), but it is one of those things and I cant imagine life without my husband.

Your children grow up and go on to have lives of their own, your husband is meant to always be in your life, so marry a man because you want to be with HIM, not because you just want him to be a father to your child.

I've got nothing wise to add regarding marrying your dp. I think you've been given a lot of good advice.
What I can add though is that infertility treatment is a really tough road, and it will take it out of you individually and as a couple more than you can imagine.
My situation was in some ways like yours, in that it was my DP who had the health problems. We had been married for 10 years tho, and at no time did I question my realtionship with him or blame him (not saying that you do btw, but sometimes I wonder why I just accepted it-guess it must be love!)
OH found it very hard to watch me go through the physical side of IVF, which caused him to withdraw (he felt guilty). This made it harder, but we did eventually work through this and 4 cycles later I had a beautiful little girl.
Guess what I'm trying to say is, that for me it was a very hard journey, both emotionally and physically. I will never regret it tho as my dd is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I understand how lucky I am.
Good luck with whatever you decide

sparks, get out now. fertility aside, this relationship isn't for you. life's too short to waste even a minute.

Too right. Just go and get preggers by someone else or donor.

I was a single mum for the first 10 years of DD's life and loved it. I'm now married and we still have an extremely close bond.

Forgot to add the point to my post...stupid-sorry.
My point is that I think it takes a strong relationship to be able to go down this road. You'll both be having a lot of things to deal with.
What I can also say is that we were in shock for the first 2 months after we got the dx. I think it would have been impossible for us to make any decisions regarding anything during this period.
Luckily, in a way, we couldn't see our consultant during this time, so by the time we did we knew exactly what we wanted.
Good luck

squeaky I am sorry to be blunt but your situation is very different in that it is you who probably can't have children, not your husband who can't father them. The fact that you love him very much aside, leaving your husband would not make it easier for you to have the child you long for. In my situation, it probably would.

I don't understand why you think I wouldn't want my DP after we have children ? that doesn't make any sense to me. I want him as the father of my children.

piedpiper you obviously have a very strong relationship and I'm glad it worked out for you, gives me hope. I am very scared about fertility treatment for exactly the reasons you mention.

OP I'm sure there's nothing wrong with your DP and certainly there shouldn't be an impliation that "his children" means there is something wrong with him.
Your DP is wrong for you though. I agree 100% with you that many people do the same and settle for what they can get. That's a choice they make. But the fact that you say you wouldn't want a childless life with him makes it clear that he is wrong for you.

Just be honest with your DP and tell him that you are "settling" for him so you can have children. You owe him that. See how he feels then.

What I mean about a life with him and children being worse is that the pressures of raising a child/children will only serve to highlight the things in your DP that you are overlooking now and push you apart. That is a certainty IMO.

Sparks, no, it is my husband who has the fertility problems not me. Medical problem that has developed over recent years. My age is not on my side, which is why I am saying to you, you still have a few years, and enough time to find the right person who you would want to marry.

I'm sorry squeaky, I made an assumption which I shouldn't have done.

Thats ok. :) I probably didnt word my post very well.

All I am saying though, is dont settle for "someone who will do", that isnt fair on either of you.

I know you're right. He's much more than a "will do" but not enough to balance out the pain of not having a child. I wish he was but I know myself well enough by now that he won't be. Possibly no-one would be so maybe I'm better off alone anyway ! Then DP gets the chance to be with someone for whom he would be enough.