fertility problems threatening relationship

[sparksagainstsky]

Some of what I'm going to say isn't very nice but please bear with me and try not to be too judgmental, I am feel really crap about all of this.

My DP (soon to be DH) has been diagnosed with serious fertility problems. I am not in great shape either (age related) but apparently still able to conceive. Basically we are not going to be able to have our own biological child, together, unless we have IVF or ICSI.

This is the not very nice bit : I stuck with this relationship because I thought (probably rightly) that it was my last chance to start a family in the "normal" way. He is a lovely man but there have been some issues which earlier in my life might have been deal breakers. Nothing really serious but enough to make me think twice. However the prospect of starting a family made it count much less. This isn't as cold as it sounds. I do love him and care for him but the bottom line is that I can't face the prospect of a childless relationship with him

Time is running out for me aswell and I am very worried that if IVF/ICSI don't work, by the time we have gone through that whole process it will be too late for me to conceive naturally by other means (sperm donor).

We are due to get married this summer. I don't think I want to. I can't honestly say that I will be committing to him for better or worse, because I want a child more than I want him. I know it sounds awful.

Also, I am really dreading having to go through fertility treatments. I'm not sure our relationship will survive it anyway. I feel irrationally angry, very sad and quite distant from him at the moment. The little things which used to annoy be a bit are now very hard to cope with.

He seems to be coping ok with the diagnosis, just getting on with life and hoping for the best. Maybe that's the best thing to do but I can't. Other things are shit aswell, work and money problems.

I can't see the best way forward at the moment. Any words of wisdom please ?

Day to day- please read my post and interpret as I meant it.

I said throughout the post it was about how I felt- and no one else. I am sure ther are 1000000s couples who have benefited from IVF or donor eggs or sperm- and I am thrilled for them if that is what they wanted.

I am now of an age where fertility is not an issue.

I am 100% sure though that I would never have used donor eggs or sperm and so is my DH- for us, having a child is about our DNA, not someone else's.

I have no issue with people making other choices- i thought I had made that very clear.

lessnarky what you say about settling v changed priorities rings true for me certainly. DP is a lovely man and a great potential husband and father. However to me, the dynamic in our relationship doesn't feel vital or passionate or deep enough for it to be just the two of us, forever. Maybe that doesn't bode well for the future even with children, I'm sure some people would say it doesn't.

In contrast, a good friend of mine was left by her DP of 9 years, the last 3 of which they were ttc. She completely adored him, to the point that he was her whole life (her words). Now, she doesn't want children with anyone else. I'm just not in the same boat.

We could postpone the wedding on financial grounds I suppose. The money issues aren't immediately pressing, more of a worrying hum in the background especially if we have to pay for treatment. In short we won't be able to buy a home to raise our family in if we do pay for treatment, or it will take about 6 years to save a deposit, more if I'm not working or part time. It isn't a crisis yet, just a part of an unhappy situation overall.

DP?s work is fine, it?s mine that?s the problem. I am stuck with it for the time being as I need to have the flexibility to take time off for treatment if I need to. Again, not an overwhelming problem, just another brick in the wall. If we did have children I wouldn?t care, there would be a point to doing a job I don?t enjoy : making money to support them as best I can.

Also, part of why I am loathing work at the moment is most of my contemporaries have children and I am tired of having to leave the room when people start ?mummy conversations?, and even more so when hints are dropped about when am I going to have kids. Not fun. I don?t mean that I can?t be around people who have kids, it?s just that in this particular workplace people are very much in eachother?s business and socialise a lot with their kids. It would be easier for me to work somewhere that doesn?t happen much.

squeaky I know plenty of people without children who seem to live very happy and fulfilled lives. I wouldn?t let it ruin my life if I couldn?t have children, but I can?t accept something which hasn?t happened yet. I can?t let go of it until I?ve tried my best to make it happen.

Rebecca like you I know deep down that I couldn?t accept childlessness if there was some way of becoming a mother, even at the cost of my relationship. That may or may not be 'healthy' but it?s the way I feel at the moment. The fact that you were prepared to leave a man you loved very deeply shows that sometimes the need for a child is stronger.

DP and I have a donor-conceived son. It was our choice, to avoid all chance of passing on a disease very prevalent in DP's family.

For us at least, having a child is not about DNA or mini-mes. And IVF is a very intense experience to go through as a couple, perhaps (much) more intense than the average conception!

But, we are a couple. I think what the OP needs to think about is whether she wants to be a single mother.

For what it's worth, I would have gone it alone if DP hadn't wanted to do it. When I think I might not have had this, well, let's just say I try not to think about it.

OP However to me, the dynamic in our relationship doesn't feel vital or passionate or deep enough for it to be just the two of us, forever. Maybe that doesn't bode well for the future even with children, I'm sure some people would say it doesn't.

If this is how you feel about him really, there is no way you should be even considering bringing a child into the relationship.

A child is not someone who is there to inject some other dimension or dynamic into a partnership that is not quite right. They are not there to "save" a relationship.

Another classic is for an already married couple to have a child to patch up a failing or dull marriage, or as a new start after an affair. All the scenarios usually end in disaster- with the poor child in the middle of the adults' selfishness.

Also-you seem to totally underestimate the stresses a child can put on a marriage- they are around at home for 20 years often.

I didn't make the decision to become a single mother lightly. It took me a year to think it through, research the options, talk to people who had done it, grapple with my concerens about teh morality/ethics of it. Interestingly the most suport I got was form marreid friends/family who without exception said "if I had to choose between living a life without DH or without my children, I'd choose to be without my DH"!!!.

Single paretnhood by choice is not easy as someone has said but I have to say havng seen a variety of routes to single parenthood, its a damn sight easier being a single parent wihtout thr trauma of a faield relationship, divorce, money worries, upset child etc that a failed partnership brings.

cabbageroses - of sourse people feel differntly about it and everyone can feel however they like and there isno right or wrong about it, however OP obviously (and from her first post made this very clear) feels she's wants children as her primary goal so I'm not entirely sure how the fact that you feel differently helps inform the situation. Beleive me I know some people feel differntly, and haven't hesitated to tell me that they couldn't possibly love an adopted child in the same way as a birth child. Well good for them but what am I, as an adoptive mother supposed to do with that information? I'm never sure whether they are telling me to show me their failings or to imply that somehow such a thing isn't possible or to be smug that they somehow love their child more than I love mine. Luckily I don't care but in the early days it did hurt.

And whomever said that IVF possibly wasn't as traumatic if you are single (sorry too lazy to scroll back), it is. You don;t have IVF in order to get pregnant using donor sperm, you have IUI which is striaghtforward and often drug free. IVF is generally only undertaken as a result of fertility problems. And failure of IVF (and particularly your last round of IVF) is particualry tough. That cold sweaty prickly feeling when you find out and try to process that fact that you will never give birth ever, wasn't (strangely enough) made any easier by dealing with it alone without a partner to share with.

Most people have a child for the same basic reason - to fulfill a selfish need in themselves. You only really start thinking unselfishly once you have a living breathing child to consider whose needs become more important than your own.

cabbageroses - I take on board your point. You were not suggesting sperm donating etc is abhorent - just that is was not for you. Apologies.

Some of the posters who say that you need to be 100% sure when you decide to start a family are wrong I think. Nearly everyone I know has been filled with anxiety and concern about this decision. Only those who accidentally fell pregnant managed to avoid the dilemma about 'when/if to try'.

I certainly wasn't 100% sure. Deciding to try for a baby is utterly terrifying. Full of what if this and what if that. At some point you have to forget about all these considerations - because you simply don't know what is around the corner.

For example, you may be in a loving stable relationship today but further down the line your partner may cheat / you may fall out of love.

You may get made redundant whilst pregnant.

The list of possible outcomes is endless and limitless.

I think its best to simplify it to - do I want a child? Would I still want that child if my relationship failed? Could I love and care for a child. I made the decision to have my family not based on my relationship but faced with the 'what if it didn't work out with DP'. I knew that DP would be a lovely dad.

So many things change in a relationship when you have children. I love my DP most for being a lovely father.

I do think you need to have these conversations with your partner. Maybe put the wedding on hold - you are probably under so much stress and maybe giving yourselves a little time is the kindest thing to do.

By the way I left a 4 year relationship when I was 38 because he still didn't want children. It took all the courage I had to walk out on what felt like my last chance to have a baby but I met DP when I was 39 - we travelled for two years before having IVF with donor sperm when I was 41 (we went straight to IVF because of my age).

cabbageroses I do not intend to bring a child into the relationship in order to "save" it. I would have thought that was fairly clear from my posts. A child is my priority, not the relationship. You do seem to have very fixed views of what is right and wrong in this situation.

I'm sorry but I just don't believe every couple who gets married and starts a family is passionately in love and everyone who doesn't feel quite that deeply is making a terrible, selfish mistake. Life just isn't that simple and if yours is you are extremely lucky. The romantic love we all expect as our god given right thesedays is a relatively new concept as a basis for marriage. Were our ancestors being selfish when they got married for practical reasons rather than for mad passionate love ? I feel like I'm defending something that is as old as the hills.

daytoday yes, I do want a child, yes I would want a child if my relationship failed and yes I could love and care for a child.

kewcumber my thoughts exactly - no-one has children for selfless reasons.

I'm going to talk to my DP this weekend.

Thanks again all.

OP- my views are harsh yes, because I think you are making a very serious error if you marry this man whilst in your own words he alone is not enough- you need a child to fill some kind of gap.

That is a huge responsibility to put on any child.

I don't see the point in harking back to how lives used to be lived. We are now in 2011.

Sure, not all marriages and subsequent parenthood fill the ideal image, but that doesn't mean you have to dismiss it as unattainable or irrelevant.

I am talking as the mum of 2 children now in their 20s, so I have experienced the highs and lows of motherhood.

sorry- something wrong with the bold, as other posters have found!

To suddenly find out that your DP who you're soon to marry may not be able to have children, when you've always seen yourself becoming a mother, is a huge shock to the system. When you've become used to the idea of the future will pan out a certain way to have news like this must feel like the ground has fallen out from under your feet.

Whatever you do, don't rush into anything. Talk to your DP but listen too. It may be that he is feeling terrible about this and is scared of losing you, and mourning the fact that he might never be a father. You might find that once the shock fades and you see him hurting that you are more committed to the relationship than you first thought.

If you need to postpone the wedding on financial grounds do, but at least give yourself the chance to work out how you feel before breaking it off with him completely or saying something you can't take back.

Denmark will still be there in a year if you want to go that way.

I think, when a couple face infertility, the crux of the matter is whether or not they want to deal with it in the same way.

If both halves of a couple want to have treatment until it works, or agree to stop treatment after a certain point, or decide not to have treatment at all, then they can come to terms with childlessness together.

The problem arises if one person wants to keep on trying and the other person doesn't. So if your partner can "happily" accept childlessness and derive pleasure from other aspects of life, while you are constantly feeling that something is missing, it's a recipe for disaster. That's when the resentment and bitterness builds and destroys relationships.

So OP, I think for you the bottom line may be how your fiance wants to deal with this. Is he as motivated as you to try and have a child, even if it involves donor sperm and expensive treatment? If so, then this is a problem you can work around. However, if you feel that he will choose to "see how it goes" but not actively pursue treatment, then you will struggle to be happy I think.

I truly envied people who could accept childlessness and enjoy life in other ways. But sadly for some of us this seems impossible. I have never wanted anything as much as I wanted children.

And for many of us, having a blissfully loving relationship with a soul mate isn't an option either. I spent 20 years looking for Mr Right, thought I'd found him them discovered he didn't want children. Falling head-over-heels in love with someone isn't a guarantee in life, and I think it's wrong of people who have been lucky enough to find such love to judge those of us who haven't. It's not through lack of trying!

Lessnarkypuffin re your comments on anonymity in Denmark, anonymity was removed in the UK in response to strong feelings expressed by donor conceived children. Our child can contact his donor when he's 18, if he wants to, so there will be nothing 'unknown' in his life. You can choose certain basic donor characteristics in this country, it is about having, not designing a child.

And as a result the number of donors has fallen dramatically.

And as for 'designing a child', couples use donor sperm because the male is infertile/carries genes that can cause serious illnesses. Is it wrong to try to pick a donor similar in appearance to the father, so that he feels more 'biologically' connected to the child and doesn't have to put up with 'jokey' comments from strangers/acquaintances about the milkman?

LessNarky

Yes, the number of donors has fallen, but there is still a supply - I chose from a selection of basic descriptions (height, colouring, interests, etc.).

Also the profile of the donors has changed. It takes more thought now, a more considered decision, but one many people see as being very worthwhile.

You can choose characteristics for exactly the reasons you give, so the child looks like it could be the genetic offspring of the father.

That is definitely their aim.

rebecca So OP, I think for you the bottom line may be how your fiance wants to deal with this. Is he as motivated as you to try and have a child, even if it involves donor sperm and expensive treatment? If so, then this is a problem you can work around. However, if you feel that he will choose to "see how it goes" but not actively pursue treatment, then you will struggle to be happy I think.

My feelings exactly. My DP is the absolute master at seeing how things go, which is part of what worries me. We are going for a consultation together next week which will hopefully pull things into perspective a bit.