fertility problems threatening relationship

[sparksagainstsky]

Some of what I'm going to say isn't very nice but please bear with me and try not to be too judgmental, I am feel really crap about all of this.

My DP (soon to be DH) has been diagnosed with serious fertility problems. I am not in great shape either (age related) but apparently still able to conceive. Basically we are not going to be able to have our own biological child, together, unless we have IVF or ICSI.

This is the not very nice bit : I stuck with this relationship because I thought (probably rightly) that it was my last chance to start a family in the "normal" way. He is a lovely man but there have been some issues which earlier in my life might have been deal breakers. Nothing really serious but enough to make me think twice. However the prospect of starting a family made it count much less. This isn't as cold as it sounds. I do love him and care for him but the bottom line is that I can't face the prospect of a childless relationship with him

Time is running out for me aswell and I am very worried that if IVF/ICSI don't work, by the time we have gone through that whole process it will be too late for me to conceive naturally by other means (sperm donor).

We are due to get married this summer. I don't think I want to. I can't honestly say that I will be committing to him for better or worse, because I want a child more than I want him. I know it sounds awful.

Also, I am really dreading having to go through fertility treatments. I'm not sure our relationship will survive it anyway. I feel irrationally angry, very sad and quite distant from him at the moment. The little things which used to annoy be a bit are now very hard to cope with.

He seems to be coping ok with the diagnosis, just getting on with life and hoping for the best. Maybe that's the best thing to do but I can't. Other things are shit aswell, work and money problems.

I can't see the best way forward at the moment. Any words of wisdom please ?

Hi Sparks...I've pm'd you

thanks Piedpiper, just replied

would you think any relationship was "purposeless" without children in it?

Might be worth considering how you feel about that too.

I chose to have a children alone for long boring reasons that aren't relevant here! In fact (and I was slightly older than you but not much) after many IUI's and 3 painful and difficult and expensive rounds of IVF, I never managed to get pregnant. The thought of being tied to someone I didn't actively want to spend the rest of my life with would have been the final straw in a pretty crap couple of years.

There is a possibility that you may not be able to conceive children and you need to think about what you want to do with your life if that happens. If he doesn't feature in that vision then it would be a massive mistake to marry him and unfair on him.

I subsequently went on to adopt my DS who is divine and the best thing I ever did, so there was a happy ending!

Can't you have ICSI asap without getting married? Mind you if you have to explain that marriage to him alone isn't enough I suspect marriage may be off the cards anyway.

Denmark. Great clinics, they have no problem with single women and they still have anonymous donation. And you can pick donor characteristics. Friend of a friend used a clinic there and has a lovely DD from it.

OP, do you know you can even have kids yourself (you hinted that it might be difficult for you? Secondly, are you sure your DP can't have kids? I have a good male friend with "serious" fertility problems, but managed to have kids haven taken certain hormones as injections.

Are you leaving DP for kids you can't even have?

One thing that strikes me here, is the relationship if any in your head between having a partner and having a child.

I don't know if you have thought it through- I am sure you have! - but what is your priority?

On the one hand, you have almost gone down the traditional family set up- marriage and then kids with someone you love ( though not enough it seems.)

On the other you are discounting finding another man as a partner, and who you may have children with.

You are then thinking about having a child as a single parent, through intervention.

Which of these is really "you"?

I know there are women who have posted here about single motherhood and using donor sperm etc etc, but equally ther are women who will tell you that being a single parent is bloody hard work.

Do you want a child at any cost- and if so, why do you want that child? Is it to feel complete in some way, or to give a life to a child because you feel you have so much to offer as a mum?

I think you are faced with a lot of very ethical dilemmas and your situation with your current man is just the tip of the ice berg.

Agree, I think there's something troubling about the idea that I want a kid, no matter really who the father is.

I always think of Michael Foot the labour leader who didn't have any children. Did he live a happy productive life, with lots of friends and activities?

Just to add another angle- what if you and your DP couldn't conceive- would you adopt?

What I am trying to get you to think about is-do you want to be pregnant or to have a child? Different!

If you simply want to bring up a child, you could foster and adopt.

I'm gonna go against the grain.

I think you are faced with a situation that is causing to think of lots of hypothetical outcomes and you are trying to work through them all.

For whatever reason, in the past, you decided that this WAS a man you could see yourself having a family with. You haven't said how you would feel if you did get pregnant with him? Would your worries about the relationship seem unimportant?

I don't think you should be hard on yourself. Lots of people get pregnant and start families who haven't given half as much thought into it as you are. You are forcing yourself to really analyse everything to the point of emotional paralysis.

You sound honest, lovely, stressed, worried. Maybe share your anxieties with your partner?

I agree with you daytoday. It's early days for the OP. Lots of emotions need to be worked through.
Also, with all deepest respect to the people who've gone through IVF as single parents (I bow to your strength), it is different when this decision has been taken out of your hands and is forced upon you. It does make the bottom fall out of your world for a while.

lessnarkypuffin I have been thinking about Denmark. A bit prematurely perhaps.

I am sure raising a child alone is damn hard work but I've never heard anyone say it wasn't worth it. Without exception, including the posters here, having children was the best thing they have done.

It always strikes me that women who get pregnant naturally are never asked why they want to become mothers. They just do. I am exactly the same - reason doesn't come into it. cabbageroses the only answer I have is that "mother" is really me and more important than wife or partner.

If it comes to the crunch and I can't have children I would consider adoption. DP is very clear that he doesn't want to adopt. That is another thing to consider. I'm absolutely clear that I want to raise a child i.e. be a mother I know it's not just about being pregnant !

florences I am not sure if I can have children, it may be difficult but apparently I have a reasonable chance of conceiving without intervention. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet to be honest. Nor am I sure my DP can't have kids - apparently it is very unlikely without intervention, and we don't have years to try and hope for the best.

No doubt Michael Foot had a great life and lots of people without children do. If life was that simple though we wouldn't have an IVF industry because people having trouble conceiving would just shrug and get over it. Evidently plenty of women can't quite manage that attitude, especially before they've exhausted every option. Also, I do very much care who the father is and would much prefer it to be DP but if it can't be then I still want to be a mother if I can.

Would I be happier alone with no kids or with DP and no kids ? I just don't know. Hard as I try not to there is a part of me that blames him (for not trying as hard as me to be healthy while ttc) I'm not sure I'm strong enough not to become very bitter and blame him for the situation. Even though I know it isn't his fault.

Thanks daytoday. I think my worries about the relationship would evaporate overnight if I got pregnant with DP.

Just wanted to thank everyone for advice and support, it is really helping me think this through.

I can understand that at this early stage, that your DP simply doesn't want to contemplate adoption. I can't imagine how he must feel?

Your relationship is not in a 'natural' state of balance. But if you both want children - JUST GO FOR IT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. this might be his best chance at being a father too.

Trying to conceive, whether you have difficulties or not, can take ALL the pleasure and romance out of relationship.

Leave some space to imagine the positives outcomes as well. Dreams are as important as fears.

I think you are being a bit critical of women who do think about motherhood, deeply. I did.

I knew that for me, being a mother was the result of the love between me and my H, and a continuation of our genes in the form of another human being, who was unique to us.

I had a very strong maternal urge, but I would never have had a child by donor sperm etc or donor eggs, or adopted, if I had been unable to conceive.

For me, personally, creating a new life is directly linked to the person whose genes form 50% of that child.

I would rather have been childless than had a child with an unknown person's DNA.

persoanl feelings only- you ar e not the same. But don't assume women "just get PG" and don't think about it.

I promise you I don't intend to be critical about anyone's way of thinking or approaching the question of motherhood. I'm not sure why you think I was. I absolutely don't assume that women "just get pregnant". it does seem that lots of women do just want to become mothers without asking themselves why.

Plus, I really don't think anyone can say what they 'would have done' if they hadn't been able to

conceive. If you haven't been through this you just don't know. It isn't a direct criticism from you but please be a little bit gentle around the issue of donor sperm and donor eggs - it's increasingly common these days and implied criticism from someone lucky enough to conceive naturally with their partner is unlikely to be well received.

I'm not suggesting that the Denmark option is for you, just that it's worth keeping in mind. It will be there if you choose to go that way.

You need to think about your relationship first and foremost. It can be easy to think you've 'settled' for someone when you stay with them in spite of 'some issues which earlier in my life might have been deal breakers'. Sometimes it is settling, sometimes it's that our priorities in life change. Theoretically being with man X who smokes/is divorced/works away a lot is very different to being with Jeff who makes you laugh and who smokes/is divorced/works away a lot.

You have work and money problems, and those would put a huge strain on any relationship.

Could you postpone the wedding on financial grounds? It might give you the time you need to see things more clearly.

I'd also try imagining that you already had a couple of children. How do you think your relationship would stand up to the period of you not working, sleepless nights, extra financial pressures, less time just the two of you etc. I'm not trying to put you off children! Just thinking that if you're already having money and work issues as a couple, IVF and then hopefully children would be another pressure.

And what Daytoday said:

'Leave some space to imagine the positives outcomes as well. Dreams are as important as fears'

Op, I dont always think counselling is the answer, but I would say for you, it could be a help, as it is possible that you may not be able to have a child, and that is going to be very difficult for you to accept based on what you have posted here. Some women are pragmatic, and are able to move on, enjoying a life without having a child. I know quite a few women of my age and older who couldnt have a baby, and although it saddens them, they havent allowed it to ruin their life. I am adopted too, so I had parents who went through the emotions and pressure of infertility, long before IVF or any other real fertility help was available.

At the moment, your need for a child is probably completely taking over your life, and perhaps a counsellor can help you to see that you may need to rethink and re-evaluate your priorities.

Not all mothers think their child is the best thing they have ever done, but its not something that they would be likely to admit to. I know a few who, despite loving their children unconditionally, wish they hadnt had children. It isnt always black and white.

I dont think being a mother should be more important than anything else in your life, because if it doesnt happen, then where do you go from there? You really can have a happy childfree life too. :)

I really do hope that you can fulfill your dreams to be a mum, but my advice would be to also consider what you would do if you couldnt have them, and would you still want to be with this man.

Can I just add that my ex and I found ourselves in a strange situation in the end. I desperately wanted children, he didn't. Both of us felt so strongly in our views that niether of us was prepared to compromise.

However, we still loved eachother, and had a great relationship in all other ways. We had a happy life together. The shadow was always there, and we knew it was only a matter of time before it tore us apart, but we were still able to have fun.

So, stange as it seems, we made a plan. I would have treatment, and if it worked we'd split up. If it didn't, I'd accept childlessness and we'd stay together. It sounds bizarre saying that, but if I'd never been able to conceive, what was the point in destroying an otherwise happy relationship?

In reality I'm not sure I'd ever have been able to accept it though. I think I'd have wanted to adopt, so ultimately it would have ended our relationship anyway I suspect.

It wasn't an easy road. I had 5 IUIs and 5 IVFs to get my 2 children. Tens of thousands of pounds and mountains of misery, but worth it a million times over.

Some posts on here seem to imply it's something of a character flaw to want a child so much you're prepared to sacrifice anything else, but I don't see it that way. I have a full life - I'm a professional, have an interesting job, lots of friends, many wonderful experiences, plenty of achievements etc etc - but without children I would feel empty and sad.

No-one can really know how they'll react to potential childlessness unless they really face it.

I am facing it Rebecca. I do feel quite sad, but I certainly dont feel empty. I have a husband who loves me and who is my best friend. I have a MIL who is also very dear to me. I have a dog who is my surrogate child I suppose, and I can go on holiday when I like, have the freedom to do as I please, and a life that many of my friends with children often wish they had too. I would love to have a child, but if it doesnt happen, then I will still enjoy my life rather than live the rest of it in misery at what I havent got. There is no way I would sacrifice my marriage for it.

I wouldnt say it is a character "flaw", but I would say that if it is something which is going to affect you so deeply, then you should do something to find a way of accepting the possiblity of not having a child and try to overcome that sadness, not let it eat you up and take over your life.

OP" It always strikes me that women who get pregnant naturally are never asked why they want to become mothers"

I interpretted this as they never "ask themselves".

I take your point, and I take your point about not knowing what anyone would do until the circumstances arose but for me- and DH- we are pretty black and white on it. I have friends etc who adopted and I admire them- I know it was never for me though, and I personally find it quite abhorant to think of carryng a child from a donor- sperm or egg- but that's just me- no criticism of other people.

"do something to find a way of accepting the possiblity of not having a child and try to overcome that sadness"

But she can have a child Squeakytoy. Just not necessarily with her DP. Not everyone has the relationship you do with your DH, and not everyone would put their marriage before the chance to have children.

cabbageroses -

I know someone who had children (twins) from a donor sperm as her husband was completely infertile. They are incredibly happy and their children are utterly gorgeous. There is nothing 'abhorant' about their situation.

He loves her so much, he loves his children so much. Their kids are bloody marvellous.

It's not for everyone but it is certainly not 'abhorant'.

There but the grace of god go I, and all that jazz . . .