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DH is leaving me over housework!!!

76 replies

Cosmo74 · 24/10/2005 16:03

He thinks he helps enough and I don't think he does - so yesterday it came up again and now he says he is leaving as soon as he sorts something out.

This is the 3rd time since our 2nd baby was born that he has said this - he even packed his bags once but I persuaded him to stay but now I don't know what to do - our baby is only 3 months old and our DS is 5 and half and worships his dad - he already has behavioural problems and I do not know how he is going to cope with this...he slept on the sofa last night - what should I do - I can just feel myself slipping down - to top it all off the baby I lost would be one on the 8Th Nov which has been playing on my mind about good timing from him.

So much for being together for 17 years since we were 14.

What will I do - I don't want to beg him to stay again......

OP posts:
bossykate · 24/10/2005 16:08

let him go. when you speak to him about doing his share of work around the house, he threatens to leave you?

don't beg him to stay, let him go... and only have him back on your terms.

motherinferior · 24/10/2005 16:09

I agree with BK.

expatinscotland · 24/10/2005 16:09

This isn't about housework, it's about emotional blackmail.

krib · 24/10/2005 16:10

Sounds to me like he could just be looking for an excuse to leave, do you think there could be another reason?

doormat · 24/10/2005 16:10

agree with bk

bossykate · 24/10/2005 16:11

agree with xpis, it's all about domination and control - creepy mental bullying - call his bluff!

Tinker · 24/10/2005 16:11

Agree with bk also. But, he's just using this as an excuse though, surely? He's already decided he wants out. Certainly don't beg though.

coppertop · 24/10/2005 16:12

I agree with bossykate too. He will probably be expecting you to beg again and will get one heck of a shock when you don't give in this time.

NomDePlume · 24/10/2005 16:13

Hard though it is to hear, I do agree with bossykate. They are the tanrums of a teenager, not a grown husband and father.

NomDePlume · 24/10/2005 16:13

Hard though it is to hear, I do agree with bossykate. They are the tanrums of a teenager, not a grown husband and father.

Carmenere · 24/10/2005 16:13

I have to say I agree with bossykate, you need to pull yourself up by the bra straps and tell him to shape up or ship out. He has threathened to leave 3 times in the past 3 months - that is not a supportive husband - you deserve more, good luck

Tinker · 24/10/2005 16:15

Why has he not left already? What has made him stay previously?

Cosmo74 · 24/10/2005 16:19

Trouble is he thinks he does do enough round the house - he is a good dad and can be helpful sometime but then always falls back - his attitude at the minute is because I am off on mat. leave that he is out doing a hard days work all day but I am up the same time as him and looking after two kids all day - to top it all off our new baby is so demanding and doesn;t even sleep much during the day when she is awake I have to walk around with her all day. I also do all the night feeds too..

I don't think there is another reason - don't think he is having an affair or anything - he always said that if he felt like that he would tell me.

I guess I am afraid to call his bluff in case he really leaves and them I son't know how I would cope.

OP posts:
Cosmo74 · 24/10/2005 16:20

Tinker - me begging and crying my eyes out for him...

OP posts:
MINNIE1 · 24/10/2005 16:22

Shape up or ship out... You have enough on you plate besides him going off on one..

Would you try sitting him down and talking to him and telling him what you want from the relationship..

Carmenere · 24/10/2005 16:24

Agree with minnie also what about a cleaner for a couple of hours a week?

expatinscotland · 24/10/2005 16:24

Well, as a woman whose husband stays home during the day to look after the kids, all I can say is that his attitude is sexist, selfish and uncaring.

I would NEVER expect my husband to act as a maid servant and skivvy as well as childminder.

If we both went out to work and paid a nursery to look after our kids we wouldn't expect them to leave the house spotless, cook all our meals and get up at night to look after them as well.

charliebat · 24/10/2005 16:25

What he doesnt realise is that if he really does go hes going to have to feed himself, buy the food prepare it and wash up afterwards, get his own clothes washed sorted ironed and ready for work, hes going to have to pay all his bills on time and organise the money...including child support and if he has the kids for the weekend hes gonna have to look after them for 48 hours solid. On his own. Tell him to get a reality check.

bossykate · 24/10/2005 16:25

ok, i've had time to calm down now.

if this is really about the housework:

  • have you tried being specific about what you would like him to do?
  • is it about him doing his share or about you feeling taken for granted? does he acknowledge your efforts around the house?
  • have you asked him for suggestions about what he thinks he could take on?
  • is him threatening a particular course of action a standard conflict technique with him?

    if you think it may be about something else or symptomatic of a deeper malaise in your relationship:
  • ask him why he feels he needs to threaten to leave you
  • talk to him about what is making him unhappy
  • suggest a joint session with relate
  • how is it going with the new baby? you are probably both very tired and tetchy - has the new baby brought this on? any chance family/friends could give the two of you a break on your own?

    in any event:
  • do not beg him to stay - this will just reward his behaviour
  • take legal advice so that you understand what your position would be re the house/money if he did leave - forewarned is forearmed and it will give you back a feeling of control.

    hth and good luck.
doormat · 24/10/2005 16:26

agree with expat that he is being sexist, selfish etc and other posters

he cant expect a spotless house when he comes home
that stuff is from desperate housewives and such ilk

Cosmo74 · 24/10/2005 16:29

Minnie - I tried to talk to him yeaterday but he days that we have talked about this enough and he is fed up talking about the same thing - the last time he said he was going to help more and he thinks he has but I do not think it is enough - for example he keeps telling me to leave the housework til the weekend so I did but his contribution at the weekend was to do a few dishes and he changed DS bed and put the clean duvet on our bed - meanwhile I was left to do all the cleaning, laundry, ironing etc... he got up on Sunday morning and fed baby she then went to sleep for 3 hours and I had a lie in but when I got up the ironing etc was still there - On Saturday she slept for 50mins and I had hovered and mopped the floors, put washing on and hung more wahing out....

Car - could not really afford a cleaner now with me on mat pay..

OP posts:
bossykate · 24/10/2005 16:29

cosmo, i think you are doing all/most of the coping now with him there! it's a lot of grief for what seems like negligible input.

sunchowder · 24/10/2005 16:37

Excellent advice BK! Good luck Cosmo, I hope you can approach him with this and that the two of you will be feeling better soon. He needs to understand that the "fight or flight" response doesn't really work in adult relationships--both of you need nuturing right now. All the best to you Cosmo.

Cosmo74 · 24/10/2005 16:37

Bossykate - Thanks for that - I do think he takes me for granted - he says he just doesn't realise things need done - apart from dishes which is the only thing he does without being asked but at the he washes them and leaves them to dry and I have to put them away...when I ask him to do anything we usually end up rowing cause he goes off in a sulk adn then I feel guilty for asking him.

Thing are stressful since the baby came along but he hasn't missed out on much sleep as I am doing all the night feeds the trouble usually starts if he gets up to do the early feed at the weekends - because he is tired he is really grumpy and will shout at DS for the slightest thing I usually try doing everything just so he won't go off on one but I am fed up walking round on eggshells - I be tired too but that is what being a parent of two young kids is about - you cannot take your tireness out on them.

I am feeling strong now - off to write him a letter to say the sooner he moves out the better and he needs to still pay me for half the mortage etc.. until we get something sorted - cannot talk to him about it as I will only end up crying and will not get my point across...

OP posts:
Tortington · 25/10/2005 01:56

any update?

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