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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH is leaving me over housework!!!

76 replies

Cosmo74 · 24/10/2005 16:03

He thinks he helps enough and I don't think he does - so yesterday it came up again and now he says he is leaving as soon as he sorts something out.

This is the 3rd time since our 2nd baby was born that he has said this - he even packed his bags once but I persuaded him to stay but now I don't know what to do - our baby is only 3 months old and our DS is 5 and half and worships his dad - he already has behavioural problems and I do not know how he is going to cope with this...he slept on the sofa last night - what should I do - I can just feel myself slipping down - to top it all off the baby I lost would be one on the 8Th Nov which has been playing on my mind also...talk about good timing from him.

So much for being together for 17 years since we were 14.

What will I do - I don't want to beg him to stay again......

OP posts:

bobbybob · 25/10/2005 06:29

What about just doing what you think is reasonable and leaving the rest - which is what he does after all!

Stop ironing childrens things (and of course his things), and only vacuum when you really need to. You have a baby - give yourself a break woman.

If he leaves he will have to do all his housework - so I really don't think he will.

NotQuiteCockney · 25/10/2005 07:31

I'm with bobbybob - now is the time to relax your standards.

It certainly sounds like the two of you are having a hard time communicating - I think some form of counselling is wise - not because of the housework issue specifically, but because of the problems you're having resolving it. When there's a new baby, everyone's tired and fractious, and I think even the best relationship gets a bit frayed.

I do have some sympathy for your husband - not because of the threats to leave, which are pathetic and weird, but because I know how hard it is to be the less-houseproud member of a couple. I just don't see that things need doing. It all looks ok to me. But we have a cleaner, which makes us much happier and frees me up to do other things.

anorak · 25/10/2005 08:52

Just to add my support - when you have a small baby in the house all sorts of things have to make way. Just feeding a baby takes up an average of about 8 hours a day - that's half the time you're awake if you're thinking in normal terms. That's a normal day's work simply feeding the baby. Tell your dh this. It's equal to his day's work, that's before you change nappies, rock to sleep, bathe or play with your baby.

Then there is the extra housework a baby creates - bed-changing, laundry, sterilising and making up feeds if baby is bottle fed, extra shopping for nappies etc, extra outings to the baby clinic and baby groups, all the extra preparations before you go out, making sure baby is warmly dressed and that you have everything you need with you. You need to keep all baby's kit clean, cot, pushchair, etc. And you are extra tired because of your broken sleep and the physical demands both day to day and the long-term healing of your body after giving birth.

All this before you do anything not pertaining to baby, before you dress yourself, have a shower or make yourself a sandwich. Before you even go for a shit.

Of course you won't manage the housework/cooking etc as efficiently as you did before. It would be madness to expect you to.

DH can be forgiven to an extent if he just hasn't thought about all this and really understood how much extra work is involved. He need to be told in no uncertain terms. Once he understands, then bullying you with his threats to leave is just nasty and cruel. If he understands all this and still threatens you then he's not worth keeping, for all the use as a partner and helpmate he's going to be.

milward · 25/10/2005 09:01

Take to your bed & do nothing - let him see just what you do on a daily basis. Write it all dowe so that he can be sure to do ALL the work that you would normally do.
He he leaves over the housework - he'll have loads to do on his own plus when he has the kids over. You will be be free from his nagging & not have to clean up after him.

4darlings · 25/10/2005 09:04

i would be more inclined to tell him that before he goes then he has to do 2 whole days from morning to night doing what you do then lets see what he has to say for himself. been there done that but what we did was to sit down and talk everything through..good communication is essential in relationships.are you getting a chance to have "me time" if not then try and get some....certainly does help!! hope all goes well. xxx

screwyslittlegoblins · 25/10/2005 09:20

I tell dh if he's not happy to get a cleaner in and when he says we can't afford it I tell him 'well if your not happy you'd better roll your sleeves up then and get stuck in' it generally hushes him.

expatinscotland · 25/10/2005 09:26

Bossykate's idea seems best. He needs to KNOW what his share his, clearly. As for 'relax your standards, don't hoover, etc.', I don't know about you, but this would NOT work for me. We live in a very small flat, and when it gets extremely messy I literally cannot cope mentally or emotionally. It makes me anxious and depressed.

I feel NO sympathy for your husband, however, if you're mature enough to father another child, you should make an effort to be mature enough to handle all that goes w/it.

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.

Well, it doesn't work like that in life.

Have you contacted Relate? If he won't go w/you, go alone!

Original poster

Cosmo74 · 25/10/2005 12:02

Well I wrote him a note yesterday saying I wanted him to leave ASAP
so me and the kids could start rebuilding our lives - also told him
that he would need to leave at least 3/4 of his wages to cover half
our household bills until we sort something out, so when he came home
he tried to have a converstaion about it again and I refused as it always
ends up in a row - I just said that he must not love us if he can walk out
on me DS and a 3 month old baby - he said he is not walking out on us!!!!
No doubt he will try and tell people I threw him out...so he has said that
he needs to speak to his Mum to see if he can sleep on her sofa until he
sorts something out - so he is suppose to be leaving tonight....I am trying
call his bluff and do not know what I will do if he does leave.

Worst thing is DS was so happy to see him when he came home from work and
because he had nothing to do he played with DS for 2 hours and put him to
bed - I know it will break DS heart if his Dad is not around and I am
afraid that if we do split up DS will blame me.

I know we could probaby talk this through but why should I have to be the
one again to try and sort it out - when we talked briefly last night I asked
him if he thinks he does enough to help and he said yes - so that is the underlying
problem - he thinks he does enough to help and I am just a nag and I do not think
he does enough to help or realises what I do and takes me for granted - so if we
cannot even agree on this is there any hope!!!!

Thank you all for your help and support I will let you know what happens tonite

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/10/2005 12:09

I REALLY think you two should go for counselling, cosmo. Did you suggest it?

Tortington · 25/10/2005 12:19

i think you shouldnt be anal over housework and if hes that bothered he can do it himself.

its not worth a marriage is it?

RottenRhubarbWitch · 25/10/2005 12:20

I really don't believe in people hiring cleaners to do jobs that they can do themselves, but in your case I would say that perhaps you should consider a cleaner! End of arguments.

Original poster

Cosmo74 · 25/10/2005 12:22

Expat - No I didn't suggest it - I know it is childish but I do not want to give in and try and work this out again - it is always me who backs down and gives in - I just want for once for him to say lets work this out - he is that stubborn that he will probably move out just so he doesn't have to give in. I think that we could do with counselling - well I definately know that I could do with some - but know he would never go - after I lost the baby we talked about it but he said why did we need counselling if we could talk to each other - trouble is we can't - when I need to talk he just thinks I am moaning/nagging all the time.

How would I go about asking for counselling for myself???

OP posts:

ninah · 25/10/2005 12:32

just ring up relate and book it - do it! I'm going tomorrow.

expatinscotland · 25/10/2005 12:34

I agree, ninah. Again, this isn't about housework. It's about control in the relationship, fears, anxieties, and feelings of grief over a lost child that have not been dealt with.

QueenVictoria · 25/10/2005 12:36

Cosmo - i hope it works out the way you want it too tonight.

It seems a shame for it to all end after all this time.

Original poster

Cosmo74 · 25/10/2005 12:37

ninah I think I need consuelling for more that marriage reasons - like for the lost of my baby and the fact that my DS has behavioural problems which I blame myself for - I just feel like a crap mother, crap wife, crap friend as I do not have many friends left cause spend all my time with DH and kids and school/college friends all moved away and crap sister as I don't even take the time to phone any of my 5 sisters, crap daughter as I only see my Mum once a week!!!! juse feeling crap at the minute I thought that me and Dh wer strong and we needed noone else but now it looks as if I will be alone except for my kids who I love dearly!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Cosmo74 · 25/10/2005 12:41

Sorry expat - seems we both posted at same time - now I am feeling maybe I should try talking to him and just let him know about how I really feel about everything but am I just opening myself up for more hurt what if he still wants to leave - even if he does want to leave - oh I jsut don't know what to do for the best!!! I do know I need consuelling and think I will have to speak to GP about it.

OP posts:

Munchkinola · 25/10/2005 12:41

cosmo - i rang relate and saw them on my own. They were great. It was the best thing I ever did. Gave me back my confidence and allowed me to make decisions about what I wanted to do about my marriage. CAT me if you need to chat about it.

Munchkinola · 25/10/2005 12:43

My firned went to relate last week saying almost the exact same thing as you have just said. The therapist said she had post natal depression and she felt as tho a huge weight had been lifted. Not saying you have the same but please go and ask for help. I did it on my own, it was a bit daunting but such a relief.

ninah · 25/10/2005 12:44

I agree, it sounds like you need to work towards your own happiness again and I think it would be worth delaying any decision about your marriage until you are on the road with this and can think more clearly. You don't sound in the least crp to me. When you are strong in yourself again it will be more clear what you want from your current relationship, if anything. There is no shame in seeking help, I know I need it to see me through to the other side. Best of luck.

ninah · 25/10/2005 12:45

x-posted munchkinola but good to hear such positive things about relate

RottenRhubarbWitch · 25/10/2005 12:47

Why do you think this is all your problem Cosmo? Don't you think he should open up to? Why is it always the woman who is advised to see a counsellor? From where I am, he is the one who needs counselling. He has not come to terms with the loss of the baby either, or with anything! He thinks that if he shuts himself off from you, all these feelings he has will go away. It's much harder for men to open up and he won't want you to talk about it because he simply wants to forget everything and hope it all goes away. It's no good just you getting counselling, he has to face this too because it's with him that the problem lies.

expatinscotland · 25/10/2005 12:48

If he won't go, Cosmo, do YOURSELF a big favour and go yourself. As Munckin pointed out, it's helped her get her life back on track.

Munchkinola · 25/10/2005 12:50

It did do me good going on my own. It made me brave enough to challenge my dh so it was definitely worth it. It stopped me putting up with the status quo.

Original poster

Cosmo74 · 25/10/2005 12:50

I think I will find out about relate for me at least trouble is I do not have much time to talk as DD doesn't sleep much during the day - I know she is sleeping since 12noon now but I can run at any minute when she wakes - could not plan to talk on phone incase she starts crying!!! I did have PND with DS but in the fact that I cried all day and couldn't bear to be away form him - I don't feel like that now? maybe just because of this row now everything is coming to a head.

OP posts:

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