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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is leaving me over housework!!!

76 replies

Cosmo74 · 24/10/2005 16:03

He thinks he helps enough and I don't think he does - so yesterday it came up again and now he says he is leaving as soon as he sorts something out.

This is the 3rd time since our 2nd baby was born that he has said this - he even packed his bags once but I persuaded him to stay but now I don't know what to do - our baby is only 3 months old and our DS is 5 and half and worships his dad - he already has behavioural problems and I do not know how he is going to cope with this...he slept on the sofa last night - what should I do - I can just feel myself slipping down - to top it all off the baby I lost would be one on the 8Th Nov which has been playing on my mind also...talk about good timing from him.

So much for being together for 17 years since we were 14.

What will I do - I don't want to beg him to stay again......

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 25/10/2005 12:51

How about talking to your health visitor about resources, cosmo? You may have slight PND this time round and not know it. Your HV may also be able to help you w/resources such as childcare whilst you have counselling.

Munchkinola · 25/10/2005 12:52

One of the best things about relate for me was that I had an hour a week just for me. My mum in law babysat and I could go and indulge myself in whatever emotion I was feeling. The counsellor was there to listen which by the sound of it you need.

Original poster
Cosmo74 · 25/10/2005 12:57

Just found out my nearest relate is over an hours drive away - I live in N Ireland - I do not have the car as DH has it at work - I wonder if our local Health trust has counsellors who I could see? Will probably need to speak to Gp about this - it is just I find it really hard to open up to GP - can I just ask hom to refer me to counsellor without telling him what it is for - I guess I do not want people to know I am not coping!! Stupid I know but that is the way I feel.

OP posts:
Munchkinola · 25/10/2005 12:59

Ive got to go now cosmo but please get in touch if it helps.

Original poster
Cosmo74 · 25/10/2005 13:04

Munchkinola - Thanks for your support - I will CAT you if I pick up the courage!!!

OP posts:
bossykate · 25/10/2005 13:09

Hi Cosmo

If I have understood the situation, there has been a 180 degree turnaround since yesterday ? now it is you saying he has to leave and him saying he doesn?t want to? Apologies if I have misunderstood.

Given the change in the situation, IMHO it would be advisable to step back from the brink and try a change of tack to resolve things. After all, now you?ve demonstrated to him that you won?t be bullied by threats.

In your conversation tonight, you might consider making the following points:

  • You love him and you don?t want him to leave, but you will not beg him to stay if he threatens to go. It is up to him as an adult to decide what he wants.
  • You find his threats to leave very, very hurtful and frightening.
  • You don?t believe he wants to leave ? you think you both want the same thing ? a more harmonious household with the two of you getting along better.
  • You believe counselling would be helpful to you in coming to terms with the loss of your baby, you believe a professional may be able to offer insights that even the most loving partner or friend simply can?t. You are willing to attend counselling on your own if necessary.
  • You would like him to notice and praise your hard work around the house and with the children.
  • You appreciate and are grateful for his efforts as the earner.
  • At some point in the future, you would like the two of you jointly to come up with a plan to lessen your workload ? leave it at that for tonight.

IMHO, it would be better not to get into it over the housework tonight, just plant the idea that as a team you will come up with an approach together in the future.

You might set up the conversation by saying you have a few things to get off your chest and please could he just let you say them, then let him have his say without interruption. It might be best to avoid trying to come up with a plan or decision tonight, perhaps it would be better to reduce the heat in the situation now.

Anyway, my comments above assume that the two of you actually want to save/mend the relationship. I hope that is the case .

Good luck and hth.

Munchkinola · 25/10/2005 13:09

I'm a munchkin not the wicked witch of the east or was it west? never listened she scaraed me too much

Original poster
Cosmo74 · 25/10/2005 14:36

Bossykate - your advice makes sense and i do think we both want to save the marraige but it means me giving in again and making the first move to sort it out. will have to have a think - better go baby needs entertaining again.

OP posts:
ninah · 25/10/2005 14:53

rrw as far as counselling is concerned I feel it would greatly benefit my p who will not open up in the least but he has NO intention of going so I am going myself to sort out the effect this relationship has had on my head.
who cares who makes first move to sort it out! blimey, you want a better life or what?

Blu · 25/10/2005 15:22

Cosmo - i do think BK's suggestion is a v good one.
if you want to lessen the 'backing down' effect tell him that you you love him, and have never wanted separation, wrote the letter because you find his threats to leave so disturbing and distressing. That you have never wanted him to go, but...as BK says. He is the one that in the past has said he wants to leave...this is a way of offering him a lifeline, but the difference is, this time, that it is on your terms. You are telling him that he has to make a decision about going / staying, and spme of the other things that you need in order to continue. Tell him that he should take that into consideration before he makes his decision: can he / will he commit to giving you that respect and consideration?

anorak · 26/10/2005 00:24

I agree with bossykate up to a point. But I think your dh still needs to come to terms with the reality of how much a baby increases the workload.

However someone who is backing down needs a way out of the corner, so they can negotiate with you and retain their dignity.

Munchkinola · 26/10/2005 09:01

Still here if you need a chat

Dior · 26/10/2005 09:11

Message withdrawn

NotQuiteCockney · 26/10/2005 09:18

Lots of sensible advice here. I'd like to add, you can see initiating this chat not as you "giving in", but as you "taking control of the situation".

Original poster
Cosmo74 · 26/10/2005 10:26

Well we talked last night - and hopefully things will get sorted - he will not go to counselling - he says that if we keep talking to each other we should be able to work it out. I told him that I was going to go for myself and told him how I felt about low self esteem, not over the loss of baby and feeling guilty about new baby - cause if other baby was born new baby would not be here. I don't think he realised all that was in my head. He did apologise for threaten to leave and admitted himself it was emotional blackmail - he mentioned all this not me, he has promised never to do that again.

He said that he will help more but I need to tell him what needs done as he really doesn't see what needs done, we also agreed that when he moves to his new building with work that he will use public transport and leave me the car - as most weeks I am stuck in the house all day.

The one thing he asked of me was that we were more affectionate and loving towards each other - don't remember the last time we give each other a hug or kiss, so I agreed to this - he also told me he is having a hard time at work with one of his staff and with that stress and the stress at home he was just feeling miserable, but we agreed if homelife was better others things would be easier to deal with.

I have agreed too to relax my standards a bit and are going to look into leaving the ironing in somewhere to get it done and that at least one day at the weekend that we all get out of the house and go and do something and also for me and him to get out by ourselves - even if it is only to tescos to do out shopping by ourselves!!!

One thing I have realsised is that I need to sort our some issues I have within myself - it is only when we have a row that everything I haven't dealt with comes back up again and I need to deal with all that so I am happier in myself. DD has 12 week assessment this week so I will speak to HV to see how I go about being referred for counselling.

I would like to say a hugh thankyou to everyone here for your advice and support and hope that I can be of some help to you all someday.

Thanks again

OP posts:
QueenVictoria · 26/10/2005 11:04

Im glad things are looking up for your family cosmo.

4darlings · 26/10/2005 11:07

that is good news!! i am pleased for both of you!!

Blu · 26/10/2005 11:34

Cosmo - well done.That sounds like a real leap forward for both of you. And well done to your DH, too. Good luck.

bossykate · 26/10/2005 12:18

wow! well done to you both

Munchkinola · 26/10/2005 16:34

Oooooh Cosmo big hugs to you

You have been so brave and i'm glad it went well.

Keep talking to each other, thats the main thing

Orinoco · 26/10/2005 22:59

Message withdrawn

soapbox · 26/10/2005 23:02

Wonderful news Cosmo - well done

Also want to say what wonderful advice you got, especially from BK

sunchowder · 26/10/2005 23:08

This is great news Cosmo, keep talking on here if you need too, I am so pleased for you.

Trickorflum · 26/10/2005 23:51

May be I am bit out of date. But I would expect the person who is at home all day to do all the housework and the person who is at work all day to do none.

In my opinion that is a fair swap of the work.

Is he supporting you while you are on maternity leave? If so why not use some of that money for a cleaner a couple of hours a week would only be about £15, and good investment as it is tiring when you have a v. young baby, and night feeds and stuff.

I don't really think its fair for a worker to come home and have to scrub loos at the weekend unless you are both out all week, when you should share.

Having said that when me and DP both worked full time I had a big problem as he does not notice any housework. I did end up getting a cleaner every now and then.

What I do is get DH to take DD out somewhere eg playground while I do couple of hours cleaning, that gets it out the way and we can enjoy the rest of the weekend. Much easier to do it in an empty house.

He sounds a bit of a mare though, leaving you over it. Must be deeper issues surely.

Trickorflum · 26/10/2005 23:54

Just read further up thread, good news Cosmo. He does sound v. like my DH - ie really does not notice stuff needs doing. Mine wants a list. But I don't like to do as seems a bit bossy. I must be a pushover. My DH never used hoover or iron.

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